money & power imbalances, what should I do?

My partner and I come from different countries and different upbringings economically.

I grew up in California, my family was of very modest means (the state covered nearly all of my university costs), and my mother was the type who often spent our time around people of better means. Add to that a disfunctional single-parent home (and that I'm a Cancer), and you don't have the picture of confidence and independence.

My partner came from a poor village in China. Not the poorest, but in a materialistic society such as China, it might as well have been. Add to that a manipulative mother and again, a recipe for insecurity.

We met, and due to my elevated status as an American in China, you have a natural imbalance of sorts. However, she is fiercely independent and has worked hard to be a beautiful, confident woman despite her roots. I have always been in awe of her. I realized today for the first time though that the fact that she is dependent on me could be a huge source of our problems, that she likely perceives me to have more power automatically in the relationship. I never saw it because I'm naive about this kind of reality & always felt that I had to be my best self just to keep up with her, I never felt the imbalance of power because I never tried to exploit the fact of our inequality, in fact I think I hardly acknowledged it. If I am unkind or manipulative, it's only because I get hurt emotionally, it has nothing to do with our difference of status. In other words, I felt I had to work just to deserve her, but I think from her perspective, being technically "lower" in the relationship (economic status, not having a more comfortable home to run away to in America as I do, things not coming as easy for her), she probably feels insecure most of the time.

I have decided that there two solutions to this problem: 1) be deserving of my perceived power. I do come from a better place, I have a family (albeit divorced, disfunctional, and even f***ed up in some ways compared to the peers I knew grewing up, even the ones of the same economic status), it's easier for me to make money, and I am educated. I should make the most of those things, instead of pitying myself and be the best that I can be instead of blaming others for my problems & expecting others to blindly respect me.

2) restore balance to the relationship. Now this is where I need advice. How can I make her understand that I give to her because I respect her and love her as a person, and not so that I can assert control or power over her? (People have done this her whole life, so I totally get the source of this kind of assumption) I think taking better care of myself and my life and being kinder to her (I sometimes manipulate, not terribly, but I do, cause she is really amazing and I often get insecure or feel powerless too) will go a long way, but is there something I'm not seeing? Is there something else I can do to ease her fears and help her see herself for who she really

hmmm if he has 9th house....he will WANT a foreign chick....

lots of foreign guys marry their own culture/race. but they dont have a prominent 9th house going on.

Posted by Arielle83
This is exactly why insecure western dudes date eastern chicks.

You like the dominance. Even though you claim you don't. You admitting to manipulate is the proof.

I appreciate the feedback but everybody manipulates. The fact that I'm honest about it is something you should think about.

Second, I'm a woman, so the only dominance I like is in sex, thank you very much. I wouldn't want to control her any more than I would want a dude to control me. I may get possessive at times, but so does she. And like I said, I'm just more honest about it than many other people.

I've met so many Chinese girl/foreign guy couples and I would say that the guys take advantage of the fact that so many girls feel they are taking "a step up" just cause they come from a country with a higher standard of living. But this girl is different than every single one of those Chinese girls I've met, because she never compromises just to get someone, wherever they come from. And I should mention that she's dated Chinese guys who make ten times what I do, and if we are not on good terms, she doesn't want to go with me to the States even just to visit. She could have a life there and most Chinese girls would just play along with whatever to get a better life. I've seen it a million times, but she, and I, am not like that.

I neither appreciate the stereotype when I'm trying to be honest, nor do I appreciate having to live down a stereotype laid before me. It happens a lot, but to use a cliche, you don't know me!

i believe because 9th house is the house of travel, foreign affairs, and different cultures,
9th house is foreign travel

12th house is foreign land.

so both Jupiter ruled.

Posted by Geminariescharmer
You're thinking too much, has anything happened yet?

Yes I do think a lot. We're going on our longest streak without talking, and it's not a thing where I'm not letting her have her independence. She's angry, and I said some foolish things. But she's "talking" with more and more people saying she's trying to move on. And I want to fix my end of it, if there's any chance that that won't happen.

Kindness, respect, that's a given for treating anyone you love, but when people get hurt or feel taken advantage of they can't always exhibit self-control. I thought it was just that, typical relationship problems and able to be managed. But I'm currently helping her out of a difficult financial situation, and even though she's comfortable accepting the "my money is our money" mantra, I worry that she's convinced our fighting is my way of asserting power over her because she's super dependent at the moment, probably more insecure than usual, feeling powerless. I want to give her her power back. I hate imagining what she must be feeling.

Regarding your solution #2, there is no way to make anyone see themselves for their own potential, because it has to come from them. It's the most frustrating thing, I know! You see it but they don't, and they sometimes refuse to. Other than that, open and honest discussion about how you both feel, and what the plan is on fixing the problem is the best course.

Posted by Arielle83
No offence, but no, not everyone manipulates. You will because you exist in a relationship where you feel a perceived imbalance of power.

Gender has nothing to do with it. You still see yourself on a pedestal even though you believe this beautiful creature is someone you want to better yourself for. Yet everything you do, you are reminded of how unfortunate you perceive she is in life. This is only because you see yourself as "better off".

Ever hear of the term cultural relativism? You're looking at your culture within hers. In comparison YOU see your history and upbringing as more elite than hers. If you valued her autonomy you wouldn't place her in a picture frame surrounded by your cultural ideals.

Go back to understanding her value within her own country. Dont think of bringing her back home and how inferior she might feel around your western ways. You aren't better than her, you're culturally different.

Get the glasses off and look at her as a human being.

Everybody does manipulate, just in different ways. Manipulation is just a way of convincing someone of something they don't already see. Whether you do it in a cruel way or not depends on you. Some people charm, some people put their best foot forward even bordering on acting bigger than they are, some people are sneaky, some people play weak, some take control directly, some don't. The whole world is a power play, sometimes because people are greedy sometimes just because they are insecure or feel threatened in some way. If you don't see that, then you are not open-minded, you are blind.

I only realized that by living here, because people don't hide it here the way they hide it so masterfully in America. I have always been oblivious to imbalances, I'm talking about the way SHE perceives it. I'm gonna take a wild guess that you come from a first world country and that you aren't a minority in that country. I have no idea where you come from or what your story is, but I don't hear from your words that you've ever tried to see things from someone's perspective who comes from a different place or exists in a different type of world than you. I have never looked at race or economic differences in the way other people do, I've been blind to it. But if you do grow up being marginalized in any way, because of race or economic status or disability or whatever, you're gonna be aware of power imbalances everywhere in a way a privileged person isn't. That's just reality, and I'm trying to see things for what they are, not the way I want them to be in some harmonious society that by the way doesn't exist.

I believe that power brings responsibility, in this world, as a white American, there are things I never have to go through. I have had to go through things someone from China doesn't, but wasting the opportunitie

Posted by Arielle83
No offence, but no, not everyone manipulates. You will because you exist in a relationship where you feel a perceived imbalance of power.

Gender has nothing to do with it. You still see yourself on a pedestal even though you believe this beautiful creature is someone you want to better yourself for. Yet everything you do, you are reminded of how unfortunate you perceive she is in life. This is only because you see yourself as "better off".

Ever hear of the term cultural relativism? You're looking at your culture within hers. In comparison YOU see your history and upbringing as more elite than hers. If you valued her autonomy you wouldn't place her in a picture frame surrounded by your cultural ideals.

Go back to understanding her value within her own country. Dont think of bringing her back home and how inferior she might feel around your western ways. You aren't better than her, you're culturally different.

Get the glasses off and look at her as a human being.

...wasting opportunities I've been given isn't the fault of anyone but my own. She has had to work harder than me, that's just the reality, JUST because of where she comes from, and I should look to that for inspiration and motivation to use what I've been given in a positive way, and if I did that, then balance would be restored, and like other people here have said, the rest of the responsibility for her life falls on her shoulders. I can support but I cannot control or force anything to happen. It's just hard, as someone else commented, to see someone suffering for the stupid reason that others in this society have treated her poorly JUST because of where she comes from. You would understand, if you got your head out of your ass and saw people and this world for what it really is.

She has taken a s*** situation and tried to bring out the beauty of life in spite of all that, so I would choose her over you any day of the week.

Posted by MoonArtist
Regarding your solution #2, there is no way to make anyone see themselves for their own potential, because it has to come from them. It's the most frustrating thing, I know! You see it but they don't, and they sometimes refuse to. Other than that, open and honest discussion about how you both feel, and what the plan is on fixing the problem is the best course.

You're right. Thankfully she's coming around and I hope I can be supportive as she continues to gain confidence in herself. She's an Aries, really positive overall, so I have faith! Plus living with someone who works hard to make use of their own potential can be inspiring too! I shoukd live by example, not only through words.

Thanks for the feedback.

Posted by DwellingOnMove
"accepting the "my money is our money" mantra, I worry that she's convinced our fighting is my way of asserting power over her because she's super dependent at the moment, probably more insecure than usual, feeling powerless. I want to give her her power back. I hate imagining what she must be feeling."

you think idealistic, big, complicated. it smells of sagittarius. mercury sun whatever. or sun in the 9th? as Lisa said.


you are a human being with restricted power. you can offer money, you can do debates, you can analyse things, learn chinese whatever. but you cannot be a superhuman. she is part of this. she must be of good hope too. it's her brain who thinks of money, fight, love, future, etc.

when you accept this, she'll feel the power too. currently you are deceited by satan to feel to be a god. let her be weak or strong or this or that. see the moment, not the next thing you should do for this relationship.

You are right, I accept her and worry about myself and my own issues, I believe she'll come around.

Not sure about the 9th house thing, I've never been interested in foreigners more than others back home. Most people don't think of this girl as so clearly "Chinese," because her thinking and way of life is so different than the girls I've met here *shrugs* Here's my chart:

9th house Sagittarius, nothing in it, not even an asteroid.

Sun: Cancer, 1st
Moon: Taurus, 2nd
Mercury: Gemini, 3rd
Venus: Leo, 5th
Mars: Leo, 5th
Jupiter: Gemini, 3rd
Saturn: Capricorn, 10th
Uranus: Capricorn, 10th
Neptune: Capricorn, 10th
Pluto: Scorpio, 8th
North Node: Aquarius, 12th

Ascendant: Aries, 1st

Posted by Arielle83
Wrong! Did you even read what I wrote?

I'm telling you to quit thinking in terms of your big white American, Cali way. Instead you just get defensive and make assumptions about me.

1) I'm mixed race. I've watched my French mother deal with racist and cultural attitudes in relation to my father who is Indian/Burmese

2) I've lived in Asia before and have seen the dynamic you are talking about. I've lived in South Korea for a year dealing with the western/eastern dynamic. I've dated asian ppl while living in Asia as well.

3) I'm an expat in the country I live in and have to deal with cultural relativism in the country I'm in now. It's not as extreme as western/eastern but there is still a heavily racist dynamic.


I don't get why you're getting personal with me when all I'm saying is to look past the dynamic and just pay attention to her.

If you were in big ole America and you were with someone who was Ill and couldn't work, you'd still nurture and respect them. You're making this an issue because you're overseas and you actually SEE it in your western eyes.

You chose to love this person, so ignore the material and pay attention to the immaterial.

So you do totally understand. In fact, you probably even realized it before I ever did.

But the fact that we've lived together almost 4 years and am just now acknowledging that she might feel insecure is proof that I don't have any glasses on. I have always just seen her for her. But I can go back and quote her on things she's said that prove that she does have this in the back of her mind. Doubting my intentions when I do give her money, claiming that I saw an opportunity with her and pounced on it because she didn't have anywhere else to go, mentioning my work and the money when she talks about what I've done for her. Those things are totally untrue. I give because I want to, I never looked twice at her background, and I want her to acknowledge the support I give her for who she is and for her emotions way more than I care about the money or whatever. I've never cared about the money. She is the one who's said those things, and granted she said them while upset but it does show me that she thinks about it, and clearly more than I do. It's not just a race issue. It's a matter of being dependent on someone. She has always said she hates to "owe" people, she doesn't owe me at all, in fact I owe her for all she's done to help me in my life, but she sees it that way anyway. I think earning someone's respect is the key to eliminating this problem. Respect and trust will eliminate her doubts over time, the rest is up to her.

You're absolutely right.

I guess it just takes time. I have faith, though, and this feedback has been more than encouraging. You pretty much nailed it on the head, so thank you.