bestwoman
@bestwoman
19 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 103 · Topics: 14
Shall I confront her?
He is using her, she doesn't want to see the reality of it because she thinks she is getting free stuff out of the situation, meanwhile she is being inconsiderate of not allowing there be a no vote by you.
She needs to be at least told that you are your own person and you shouldn't have to be required to do something that is your own choice to choose not to. Even if she thinks you would enjoy it, you still have your right to not do it.
Try inserting different words in place of "threesome" or "friends". Would she want to blindly go wherever you chose to date and travel, if she had no choice, say you wanted to date some guy she had no interest in and you wanted to travel to some snowy travel destination but she hated snow? Ask her how it would feel if you kept pressuring her even though she didn't want to necessarily.
You sound to be in a bind, hope you work this out for yourself.
She needs to be at least told that you are your own person and you shouldn't have to be required to do something that is your own choice to choose not to. Even if she thinks you would enjoy it, you still have your right to not do it.
Try inserting different words in place of "threesome" or "friends". Would she want to blindly go wherever you chose to date and travel, if she had no choice, say you wanted to date some guy she had no interest in and you wanted to travel to some snowy travel destination but she hated snow? Ask her how it would feel if you kept pressuring her even though she didn't want to necessarily.
You sound to be in a bind, hope you work this out for yourself.
I already told her in the beginning that she was getting herself in something messy, especially that I have seen her in similar situations before.
I think she wants me to be friends with the guy, probably so she feels less guilty, but I see the whole situation is wrong and very clear. I mean he has 4 children and they have been having a relationship for over a year. He would already left his wife if he had planned to. And his wife lives in another city, so he goes to her in the weekend and spends the week with my friend. This really irritates me.
I am just reluctant to confront her cause I don't want to loose her and I am sure her relationship with the guy will end one day.
I think I will try to keep giving excuses not to join them, but I am scared of myself, cause if I first say the truth, I can be a bit harsh.
But I also agree that she is being a bit unfair to me, in a way, but I understand, but will not accept it.
Thanks for your second opinions.
I think she wants me to be friends with the guy, probably so she feels less guilty, but I see the whole situation is wrong and very clear. I mean he has 4 children and they have been having a relationship for over a year. He would already left his wife if he had planned to. And his wife lives in another city, so he goes to her in the weekend and spends the week with my friend. This really irritates me.
I am just reluctant to confront her cause I don't want to loose her and I am sure her relationship with the guy will end one day.
I think I will try to keep giving excuses not to join them, but I am scared of myself, cause if I first say the truth, I can be a bit harsh.
But I also agree that she is being a bit unfair to me, in a way, but I understand, but will not accept it.
Thanks for your second opinions.
Posted by WynterBourne
Tell her flat out you're not interested in a 'threesome' and leave it at that.
haha
Probably, if her boyfriend was someone you approved of and liked .. then you'd be a supportive friend.
You don't have to like him, you don't have to approve .. you just have to be a friend unconditionally because that's what friends do.
If she had listened to you, and had done what you told her she should do with her life ... I'd bet your song would be different.
fyi: you said that she's been hurt before by married men .... wake up call to you: a woman gets hurt because her nail polish gets smudged.
You don't have to like him, you don't have to approve .. you just have to be a friend unconditionally because that's what friends do.
If she had listened to you, and had done what you told her she should do with her life ... I'd bet your song would be different.
fyi: you said that she's been hurt before by married men .... wake up call to you: a woman gets hurt because her nail polish gets smudged.
I wouldn't attend, in my eyes it would be sanctioning the "relationship". I'd never approve. And if that makes me a judgmental ass, so be it.
And further yet, she knows it's wrong because she's seeking approval from someone she cares about ( you ). Simply say "You're my friend, I care about you, but I do not approve of this. It's destructive, you know where it will wind up, again." Kiss her cheek, and walk away. She's got your phone number.
Wow how awkward for you that sucks
since she likes sharing men maybe she wants to share him with you....you think?
1. Don't try to convince her to leave him. She's done this w/ married men before & I'm sure this guy won't be her last. At this point, she's decided to AND is ok w/ dating married men so you giving her advice on what she's already ok w/ won't work
2. Ok, so your delivery may be a little harsh. Well, fix it. Think of what you're gonna say before you say it. This may sound kind of corny but seriously rehearse what you're going to say so that you won't have to worry about your "tone" when you finally do get this off your chest to her.
3. You can't keep doing the same things but yet expecting different results. She keeps inviting you b/c you've given her no reason to believe you have a problem with it. In this case, you're gonna just have to come right out & just say it. Be direct & just HOPE that she'll appreciate your honesty.
4. You don't have to be judgemental just to get your point across that you're unwilling to enable/encourage a forbidden relationship. Sometimes simply saying, "B/c I don't freakin' want to!" w/o going into any extra detail is good enough. Problem is, you've gotta say it.
5. Her being wrong for sleeping with him is really besides the point now. You're right, she's gonna get hurt this time like all the others BUT your friend has made the decision to take that risk so let her. You talking to her about your views on not wanting to be around b/c of your own guilty conscious is NOT the same as you cornering her & making her feel like crap for dating someone married.
6. Let her know that you still respect & love her regardless of her choices with others, but that just b/c she chooses to entertain something doesn't mean that you have to. And if she can't understand or appreciate your right to stay away from things that 1. Result in the heartbreak of a close friend & 2. Give you a guilty conscious, then this girl isn't your true friend.
7. She'd be pretty arrogant & selfish to assume that everybody else thinks it's "cute" to be around married men. She needs to understand that only SHE feels that way & if anything, she'd have alot of nerve to knock you for choosing not to enable that kind of life style . And you're right, if you keep going on dates with them, enabling them both is EXACTLY what you're doing
2. Ok, so your delivery may be a little harsh. Well, fix it. Think of what you're gonna say before you say it. This may sound kind of corny but seriously rehearse what you're going to say so that you won't have to worry about your "tone" when you finally do get this off your chest to her.
3. You can't keep doing the same things but yet expecting different results. She keeps inviting you b/c you've given her no reason to believe you have a problem with it. In this case, you're gonna just have to come right out & just say it. Be direct & just HOPE that she'll appreciate your honesty.
4. You don't have to be judgemental just to get your point across that you're unwilling to enable/encourage a forbidden relationship. Sometimes simply saying, "B/c I don't freakin' want to!" w/o going into any extra detail is good enough. Problem is, you've gotta say it.
5. Her being wrong for sleeping with him is really besides the point now. You're right, she's gonna get hurt this time like all the others BUT your friend has made the decision to take that risk so let her. You talking to her about your views on not wanting to be around b/c of your own guilty conscious is NOT the same as you cornering her & making her feel like crap for dating someone married.
6. Let her know that you still respect & love her regardless of her choices with others, but that just b/c she chooses to entertain something doesn't mean that you have to. And if she can't understand or appreciate your right to stay away from things that 1. Result in the heartbreak of a close friend & 2. Give you a guilty conscious, then this girl isn't your true friend.
7. She'd be pretty arrogant & selfish to assume that everybody else thinks it's "cute" to be around married men. She needs to understand that only SHE feels that way & if anything, she'd have alot of nerve to knock you for choosing not to enable that kind of life style . And you're right, if you keep going on dates with them, enabling them both is EXACTLY what you're doing
That's 1 thing I hate about women when they decide to hook up with married men. They all of the sudden want all this "support" & a big high-5 even though they themselves are inwardly ashamed of what they're doing. Mistresses always expect for everyone else to be ok with it just b/c they are, & that's not fair.
Yeah, you shouldn't be judgemental or force your morals/views on her, b/c ultimately you're not going to be the 1 whose hurt when this all blows up, but still don't apologize for having a conscious (something she clearly lacks)
You being indirect is NOT doing her any favors. If you want this nonsense to stop, you have to do your part. She's not gonna wake up 1 day & just "guess" that you don't appreciate her invites. If anything, if she picks up on the fact that you've been sugar coating things just to suit her feelings, THEN she might have a reason to fall out with you and/or not respect your opinion. Even when a person is doing wrong, they still expect honesty from their friends
Yeah, you shouldn't be judgemental or force your morals/views on her, b/c ultimately you're not going to be the 1 whose hurt when this all blows up, but still don't apologize for having a conscious (something she clearly lacks)
You being indirect is NOT doing her any favors. If you want this nonsense to stop, you have to do your part. She's not gonna wake up 1 day & just "guess" that you don't appreciate her invites. If anything, if she picks up on the fact that you've been sugar coating things just to suit her feelings, THEN she might have a reason to fall out with you and/or not respect your opinion. Even when a person is doing wrong, they still expect honesty from their friends
Posted by QLIbraMale
Are she really your friend? all that uncomfortable ness she make u feel your so-called friend should become an associate lol.
I was thinking the same thing. She's NOT really your "friend" if everything is 1-sided or always about protecting/nurturing HER feelings. If you have to ignore your intuition/feelings or say anything other than what's real all just to keep the friendship afloat & peaceful, it's not really a friendship.
Agreed!
It'd be the same as if she offered you crack or weed or if she handed you a flyer asking you to come to the 2011 "Atheists convention." Would you smoke the crack just b/c you didn't want her to "get mad" at you? Would you jeopardize your faith & go to that convention even though you'd be cringing every second you were there? I mean come on! Friendships aren't supposed to be 1-sided!
If her life style & her beliefs are completely different than yours, that doesn't mean that the friendship can't last, BUT it damn sure won't last if 1 person is always suppressing the word "NO" just to please the other person.
Honey, it's perfectly OK to NOT have every single thing in common with your friends. This chick needs to know that "Mistress 101" is NOT something you both have in common. Just b/c she entertains & lavishes in "the other woman" life style doesn't mean that her peers have to!
You'd be surprised, she might be more understanding than you think if you'd just open up your mouth & keep it real with her.
It'd be the same as if she offered you crack or weed or if she handed you a flyer asking you to come to the 2011 "Atheists convention." Would you smoke the crack just b/c you didn't want her to "get mad" at you? Would you jeopardize your faith & go to that convention even though you'd be cringing every second you were there? I mean come on! Friendships aren't supposed to be 1-sided!
If her life style & her beliefs are completely different than yours, that doesn't mean that the friendship can't last, BUT it damn sure won't last if 1 person is always suppressing the word "NO" just to please the other person.
Honey, it's perfectly OK to NOT have every single thing in common with your friends. This chick needs to know that "Mistress 101" is NOT something you both have in common. Just b/c she entertains & lavishes in "the other woman" life style doesn't mean that her peers have to!
You'd be surprised, she might be more understanding than you think if you'd just open up your mouth & keep it real with her.
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My problem with her is that now is is trying to include me in their life. Like if I go for a coffee to meet her, then I find him coming along. Now, I am not very happy about this, first of all I don't think she is doing the right thing (I know this is her business), but I don't want to be part of 'them'. I have seen her hurt for many years from a previous relationship with a married man and I don't think this time it will be different. Additionally, I think he is being unfair to her, cause if he really loved her and knows he will not leave his wife, then he's just wasting her time.
Anyway, my problem is that she keeps trying to include me in their life, which I have been trying to avoid indirectly, but now she even is trying to plan that I travel with them. I am not sure whether I should confront her and tell her directly I do not want to be part of 'them', or do I just try to find excuses not to join them.