Sticking up for the GUYS!

We've all heard the saying, "HOW YOU GO/COME IN IS HOW YOU HAVE TO STAY!"

Well, I don't think alot of people (ESPECIALLY WOMEN) really know what that means!

I've heard so many stories of women who, once in a relationship or marriage, "let themselves go," or turn into completely different people CONVEINANTLY once the relationship is official!

1. They stop dressing like they used to/they stop keeping themselves up like they did in the BEGINNING
2. They all of the sudden aren't as "freaky" or as "in the mood" sexually anymore like they were in the BEGINNING
3. They all of the sudden don't feel the need to work out or keep their figures, health or eating habits in check like they did in the BEGGINING.
4. They all of the sudden start eliminating the VERY QUALITIES within them that their partners were initially attracted to in the BEGINNING!
5. They stop wearing sexy panties or loungerie like they did in the BEGINNING
6. They stop wearing makeup like they did in the BEGINNING

Now granted, I get that things change, times get rough, women have children & other things that can "SLOW DOWN" the speed/pace on some things, BUT I'm with the guys when they say, "HOW YOU GO IN IS HOW YOU HAVE TO STAY!" And I say that ESPECIALLY since alot of men who cheat bring these things up when justifying in their minds WHY they cheated in the 1st place. YES, I think cheating IS HORRIBLE & dead wrong, BUT that doesn't mean that I don't/can't understand the MINDSETS of those who do cheat.

If a woman knows HOW IMPORTANT it is to look stunning IN THE BEGINNING when she's just dating around or when things aren't as serious (casual courtship) WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND that these things are JUST AS IMPORTANT even when we have FINALLY gotten the wedding ring OR relationship we'd been working hard to get.

If we know HOW IMPORTANT it is to look our best on our 1st date, what makes you think it's NO longer important to stay fit, dress to impress, etc.?

Let's be honest ladies. If 1 of the MAIN reasons you like a man is for his MUSCLES/BODY (example), I'm sure you don't feel bad for STILL wanting him to have those muscles/nice body 12 months later!

Point is: Remember, ALWAYS pay attention to what someone tells you was their MAIN reason of attraction to you (physically or mentally)! Well, if you take that away from them or RANDOMLY stop being/doing what they originally liked you for to begin with, it sucks but HEY, don't look so surprised when your man strays!

(Example): If 1 of the MAIN reasons you were attracted to your partner in the BEGINNING was his ability to make you laugh, DON'T act like you wouldn't notice and/or possibly even FEEL DIFFERENTLY if that person stopped trying to make you laugh or all of the sudden became grumpy!

(Example): If in the BEGINNING, 1 of the MAIN reasons you were attracted to your partner was his stamina in the bedroom, DON'T act like you WOULDN'T notice if he all of the sudden stopped putting as much effort into the bedroom (if at all).

(Example): Ladies, If in the BEGINNING, 1 of the MAIN reasons he was attracted to you was b/c of your "Coke bottle" shape, YES he's a little surprised & perhaps even upset that you all of the sudden not only 1. Lost that shape BUT 2. Don't seem to be making any plans on getting that shape back!

Ladies don't like hearing this, BUT it's true. YES, men get it that people age, get stressed, get busy, etc. BUT they should NOT necessarily be made to feel bad ALL b/c they simply noticed a change in you!

I'm NOT implying that women who come in at a size 4 should ALWAYS be a size 4 for a lifetime, BUT don't be surprised if your man starts to stray/cheat OR not feel as "connected" to you/relationship 5 years later when you're STILL not back to a size 4 yet! Alot of men will "work with you" if they 1. Can understand the circumstances for the change & 2. See that you're putting EFFORT into trying to go back to the "norm" or how it USED to be.

LADIES: If you LOVED that your man liked your figure, your pretty make up or sexy loungerie in the BEGINNING, it's NOT FAIR to KNOCK him for STILL preferring to SEE AND LOVE those very same things!

I'm NOT saying that when you STOP being/doing what he's used to that ALL men will eventually cheat, b/c hey, NOT ALL MEN will cheat. BUT, cheating and/or disconnecting from the relationship/person starts with WHAT that person feels the relationship/person is LACKING 1st. And men who feel that the likelihood of CERTAIN things going back to normal/the way they used to be are SLIM TO NONE, THIS is when the ideal of cheating usually comes.

A friend of mine met her husband when she was at a size 2. Every day for the first 2 years she went out of her way to dress to impress, make sure she looked splendid for him & make sure that all his needs were met! Welp, turns out, she was really only doing those things b/c she was putting on a SHOW! The REAL her likes to wear sweatpants around the house, wear NO make up at all & eat like a hog. BUT since she gave her man the impression in the BEGINNING that she was someone COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, she couldn't understand for the life of her WHY her husband started distancing himself from her. She asked him & he told her, "You know how cuddling is important to women & how women can easily start to feel neglected/alone if their man stops cuddling with them? WELL, that's how US men feel about certain things like sex!"

Her husband tried to explain to her what I just explained to you guys on DXP BUT she got defensive, assumed that he was just being shallow & made it seem like he didn't "accept" her for who she really was. That's NOT what he was saying though! YES, he still loves the hell out of her & YES he's still attracted to her, BUT he can't help but to notice that he feels dooped & like he was fooled into thinking that his woman prioritized certain things (staying in shape, dressing to impress, always cooking, etc.) when in reality she really didn't!

And ladies, if you DON'T like that men will hold you to certain things later on down the road, then it's about time some of you start being HONEST about who/what you REALLY are! If you're REALLY the type that likes to wear sweatpants around the house or wear NO make up at all, don't wear loungerie & tons of makeup for the 1st 6 months just to impress him! B/c if you knew that doing those things in the BEGINNING would IMPRESS him then, why would you expect for things to change 6 months+ later?

The same goes for personality too, not just the physical.

If you portrayed yourself as a great listener & 1 who HATES arguing in the beginning, YES he might consider straying a POSSIBILITY if you all of the sudden turn into the world's biggest NAG & debator a month after he marries you!

If you came in cooking for him everyday in the BEGINNING, YES he might consider straying a possibility if you all of the sudden seem to HATE the kitchen a month after he marries you!

If you REALLY are a big tom-boy at heart, that's FINE! BUT show him this side of you in the BEGINNING so that RIGHT THEN & THERE he will grow/learn to EXPECT your "Sweatpants days," to be just how YOU are vs. him taking it as a BAD thing!

If you REALLY ARE possessive, clingy & jealous, that's FINE! BUT show him this side of you in the BEGINNING so that RIGHT THEN & THERE he will grow/learn to EXPECT those things from you vs. running like hell the 1st time you get jealous b/c of him thinking you're "crazy."

A man is NOT necessarily being SHALLOW all b/c he noticed how LAZY you've gotten in the bedroom NO DIFFERENT than you as a WOMAN are NOT being shallow for noticing that your man doesn't "cuddle with you anymore" or "spend as much time with you like he used to."

Point being: If a man knows what he's TRULY getting himself into in the BEGINNING, NO he may not like the "REAL YOU" BUT atleast you won't have to worry about the stress/anxiety of him losing his attraction to you when you FINALLY DO start to be yourself!

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haha! I love dressing up for myself lol
I know what I like and what I don't like and love feeling and looking pretty. I plan to stay in shape and active even when I get older. I also don't like to pretend to be extra dressy or something I'm not in the begining because I know I'm not going to be like that when I'm comfy enough to burp infront of the dude. There are things that I know I wouldn't like even my family to know about, and I still wouldn't let my man see after 20 years of marriage. I mean, 19 years with people I don't care if they hear me fart .. ok that's a lie, I don't like anyone hear me fart, not my mom, not my grandma, NOone! There are habits of privacey I know I'll take to death.
And I can see my future home. It HAS to have one room for working out.

Posted by FeistyAquarian
I agree though and I've never understood that mentality! I mean, yes, I do dress up for my fiance BUT I also like it when people tell him or me that he's a lucky guy 😉 (and yes, I get told I'm a lucky girl for having him too 😛). But I like that he can feel like he can show me off. I mean, I'm not trying to sound full of myself but it's just the point of the thing! Why settle for less than your best??

Understandable. I don't necessarily understand this mentality either BUT although I may not like it, it IS what it is. And if that's how alot of men feel/see things, it's not worth it to completely turn my back to what alot of men say. I'm sure there are PLENTY of things they don't "like" or understand about us gals, BUT since they need/want us, they don't have a CHOICE but to speak "OUR LANGUAGE" when dealing with us. Guys deserve that same respect!

I mean it's 1 thing to dibble & dabble back & forth b/w dressing nice 1 day & dressing down the next. It's about CONSISTENCY! If a man grows to expect his woman going back & forth, he won't point you for it later on down the road b/c technically, he ALREADY knew what he was getting into & if he accepted it in the beginning, it shouldn't be a problem later on down the road. BUT, if he didn't know, that's a diff. story & depending on what it is, can make/break a relationship long-term. People hate hearing it but it's the truth!

When I 1st meet guys, I'm 100% myself. Truth is, sometimes I'll feel like dressing to the nine! Other days, I PURPOSELY want him to see what I look like on my "bad/down" days in the BEGINNING! I think it's wrong to act/be like Halle Berry for 2 years only to turn into Whoopi Goldberg after he puts the ring on your finger! It's only fair!

PERFECT EXAMPLE: My friend won't let her man see her without makeup, nor will she let him see her REAL hair OR see her on a "down" day period! If she's having a "bad hair day," or "down day," she'd much rather just see him another time, perhaps when she's looking/feeling better. While it's honorable that she prioritizes always looking nice for her man AND others, what she doesn't realize is that there are certain things you CAN'T hide forever. It's UNREALISTIC to expect to be with someone for a lonnnnnng time & yet not even be comfortable with them seeing you at your worst.

Heck no, NONE of us want to be seen at our worst, BUT if a man has seen that side & yet STILL loves/accepts you, that takes off SOOOOOO much pressure in the long run! Everything my friend WON'T show her man now is going to backfire on her when they finally move into together! He's so used to her looking like Beyonce 24 hours a day so when he FINALLY 2 years later starts to see her TRUE colors, he may not be AS accepting, strictly b/c he didn't get to see/make that choice from the very beginning.

And if a man can't accept/love me at my WORST, then he doesn't deserve me when I'm at my BEST!

And hey, sometimes it's not even all about always looking your best for your partner or for ANYONE. Sometimes it's about looking your best all the time for YOURSELF! There is NOTHING worse than having a humanly & NATURAL "bad day" & yet having to HIDE from the 1 I love! That'd be miserable! Not only do I want my man to be happy that I'm in shape, hell I want to feel MYSELF that I'm in good shape for my OWN ease of mind!

Posted by krysrenee7


CONVEINANTLY

** conveniently

You are an Aquarius?

@Fiesty: Owwww Owwwwwwww! Good for you! It's MORE important to ME to look good for my OWN peace of mind! Me looking good for OTHERS is #2 on the list!

In regards to your friend...wowww. See, yeah her gaining the weight probably isn't the main problem. It's her STILL not making any effort to lose it after so many years that's probably weighing on her boyfriend's mind! I think men will be patient & won't start straying if they can see that the weight gain is only temporary OR is b/c of a certain reason that's uncontrollable. BUT years later?! yeah that's not a good thing! Now granted, she may have decided that she feels/looks better 40 pounds heavier & hey, if that's the case, that's GREAT! BUTttttttt, that doesn't mean that someone ELSE has to accept/like her more when she's 40 pounds heavier, so I hope she's prepared just in case this starts to become an issue in their relationship.

See, that's why I STRONGLY advise women to LISTEN when their boyfriends start "hinting" that they're not satisfied with someone. When they're constantly hinting that you should start coming to the GYM with them, yeah that's THEIR way of telling you that you need to lose some weight in order to keep their attraction. Them ATLEAST attempting to hint at it w/o just coming right out & saying it in a rude manner is the "patience" men have. BUT that patience is only TEMPORARY!

If a woman continues to ignore/overlook the hint, it's NOT like the issue will go away! If he gets to a point where he feels that trying to persaude her to do something won't work, he'll either stray from the relationship altogether OR he'll start to detach from the relationship. It's usually either or.

And it's even WORSE when a woman goes from looking drop dead gorgeous to a complete HOT MESS in a short time span! If you're 55 & you're JUST NOW starting to let yourself go, that's understandable! BUT, if you're not even 30 yet & you've ALREADY STOPPED showering daily, ya can't be mad when your man goes & seeks those "other fish in the sea!" b/c TRUST ME, even though he might love you, he DOES know that there are others out there!

Women think that b/c they've been with someone for a long time, that their partners won't point them for certain changes. It doesn't matter whether a man has been with you for 1 or 10 years! He STILL wants to feel attracted to you (physically AND mentally) throughout the WHOLE time!

@Fiesty...Yeah I don't think the guys who hint to their partners are wrong for doing so either. Granted, there are always the mean jerks who come off completely & totally WRONG by saying, "You're fat! So go lose some weight" b/c there IS a right/wrong way to say & go about things. BUT, alot of men aren't THAT damn cold-hearted & inconsiderate. Hell, the fact that a man would even "hint" period means that he's willing to WORK with his partner instead of immediately running from the hills! So a man hinting is actually him doing her a FAVOR!

The freaky shit does die out as well as the amount of sex over a long period with most people unless you are constantly working on it. Both parties, men stop giving those compliments and making her feel special but still think they can have all the sex they had back in the beginning so it really is a two way street!!

As for the women letting herself go well that is purely a personal thing, some woman like myself and a few around here couldn't ever do that to themselves, they value this quality in themselves too much where as others arent as fussed with it and concentrate on their other good qualities.

I just watched Eat, Pray Love this weekend and the eating thing is so true...I'm so sick of the mindset where you cant have this or that because it's too fatty or too high in carbs blah blah blah. Or it's this diet or that one, I'm going to enjoy my food more and exercise to help compensate but if I add a few extra pounds then too bad!!!

I go into the relationship looking rough lol i always tell a guy im messy, think im always right, and am quite stubborn. The guys ive been with have usually been amazed how i look when we go out somewhere and i actually make an effort, but i always remind them its a one off. With me what you see is what you get, i dont wear a face full of make-up, i dont have sex with the lights off, and i dont pretend to care about things i dont.

I also dont expect a guy to change unless he told me he was going to change when i got with him. My ex told me he was going to cut down on the weed smoking, three years later he was smoking more then did when we first met! He also told me he had a very high sex drive, 6 months later he had forgotton what imaginaton is, a year later he had forgotton what foreplay was (apart from for him!) and 2 years later he had forgotton what sex was alltogether and it was replaced by his PS3!!!

So yeah I definately agree but same goes for them men too!!

Posted by FeistyAquarian
We can all spell things wrong, P-Angel.

Yes, we can ... however, this Krys attempts to present herself as if she is intelligent. And an intelligent person would use a dictionary, rather than just wing it with their spelling.

I remember when she first got here .. and she even went to the dxp god to talk to him about how she wants to have intelligent conversations with people in here and the ignorants muck up her threads.

And then she does that .. which isn't even a typo.

I agree that there's def. a double standard going on nowadays. I agree that women are penalized alot MORE often than men are on certain things. BUT, as long as each person is doing THEIR part, that's all that really matters.

It's NOT a man's fault that women choose not to let certain changes in him make her stray. That's strictly the woman's decision. If your man starts to go bald, but yet you decide to OVER-LOOK that fact, that's GREAT! BUT, if that same man notices that his woman is starting to continuosly gain weight, sure we'd all HOPE the man wouldn't stray/disconnect from the relationship, BUT if he does, no one can really knock him for it. If women are tired of the double standard, they can ALWAYS make the same choice like men do to stray/disconnect from the relationship. It sucks & it may NOT be fair, BUT it's reality. If you can't beat em, join em

P-Angel? Oh wow, I blocked that person MONTHS ago!

@Cappy: Well-said. And hey, if your friend feels that leaving her panties around is ok, than ask her if she would've done something like that when she 1st met her man? I bet she wouldn't have! That's what I mean when I say that people aren't who they REALLY are when they 1st start dating someone. Everybody is so concerned with creating this "impression" or putting on some kind of "act" when in reality, that impression/act is FURTHEST from the truth of who they REALLY are. So it makes no sense to me that some women get so offended when their man not only notices BUT ALSO calls them out on the changes.

I think the dynamic changes though as couples grow older together in age. When you're in your 20's, 30's & hell even 40's, people are expected to look their best at all times. And if they look broke down for a short while, it should be TEMPORARY, NOT forever! BUT, when you're in your 50's, 60's + & STILL with your partner, I think certain changes won't necessarily cause any straying or disconnect in the relationship. Maturity & being able to say that you FULLY/OFFICIALLY know your partner plays a big role in this too.

Hell, that's why I'm not surprised at all when I see 50-60+ year old men seeking the young girls! It may seem kind of gross & unrealistic, BUT I bet it's b/c those men are STILL ATTACHED to the ideal that their woman will continue to look the same way she did 10-20 years ago. I think some older men need to realize though that the whole POINT of growing old with someone is to literally grow OLD with someone. And last time I checked, a person's body, mind & spirit changes when they get old.

2 people in their 20's/30's letting themselves go of themselves already is NOT a good thing. Now when I'm 55+ & I notice that my man's starting to bald & get a beer belly, the idea of me straying is probably NOT likely, b/c at that age, certain things are to be EXPECTED to change. BUT, there's a DIFFERENCE b/w a 25yr old gaining weight b/c she's "let herself go" (something she CAN control) vs. a 50 yr old not appearing as attractive b/c she's starting to get wrinkles (something she CAN'T control)