Who suffers more? Children's mom or girlfriend?

A guy who has 3 kids, is in a relationship with a woman who doesn't have any children....A lot of times the man spends time with his children's which sometimes involves the children's mom. And often times he spends times with the kids as well as with his current girlfriend. The guy is completely open and honest with things as far as the situation and how things go. Now the guys current girlfriend goes with the flow and tries to be understanding as much as possible; However, times are often limited because of the children,as well dealing with the fact this woman is going to be apart of her man's life forever no matter what happens. The baby's mother wants the guy back, however she knows that he is currently involved. Who suffers more in this situation, the children's mom or his current girlfriend. And what should both of them do about this? Now the two women have never met? And since they haven't should they meet now, or wait a little longer.

"times are often limited because of the children"


Why should either woman be suffering at all?

He is doing for his children, and in so doing, his time to spend in his personal life is limited .... this should be accepted.

I agree with all the other responses. I'm a single mom of 1 dating a man with 2 children, my ex is dating a woman with 2 children & yes it can be difficult to blend this all together but it's necessary for the sake of the children who didn't ask for any of this. When you enter into a relationship with someone with kids, these are the things you have to accept, it's not just accepting the kids but the kids mother(s) To not be at the very least civil with the mother only causes tension in the children. That's a lot to take on I know.

My only issue I have with my boyfriends children's mothers is that he doesn't get to see them as much as he would like, they have no set visitation schedule & most times when he calls to ask to see them, they always have some other plans, then guess who has to deal with a very sad man? Me & I'm sure the kids miss him as well. Having said that, I keep my mouth shut because it's not my place to get involved.

So is it best for the two women to meet; or is it best to wait a little?

Ok so of course you guys guessed it, that it's me that is in this situation. I am totally fine with the fact that he has children, and they are great. They are all young 3 and under. And I totally understand that time will be limited when it comes to me and that's fine, and also knowing that I have to accept the fact that this woman will be apart of his life forever no matter what. However, I guess I just don't understand a lot of things because I don't have any children yet. I am just trying to understand why is it when he goes to visit his mom with the kids, she has to come along and spend the night at moms house along with him? Or why is it that there are times when he has to spend the night at her place, or spend his days off at her place when he has a place of his own? Those are the things that I just cannot seem to understand, maybe it's me I don't know. I know that being in this relationship requires a lot of patience and understanding, I guess at this point I need some light to be shed on this subject, with hopes you guys can give me advice in regards to this. Because other than that, this guy is phenomenal; From what I know he has been completely upfront and honest with me. However, sometimes I feel that it's more to their relationship than what he tells, and like I said maybe it's just me. His kids are great and so sweet, and I enjoy being around them. I am just a little nervous about meeting their mom. So this is all a first for me. So please bare with me here, that's why I am asking for some insight.

I agree with JD. How long have they been apart? Have they established, custody, visitation, support?

"I am just trying to understand why is it when he goes to visit his mom with the kids, she has to come along and spend the night at moms house along with him? Or why is it that there are times when he has to spend the night at her place, or spend his days off at her place when he has a place of his own?"

Ok this is a no-no, I would not be comfortable with this AT ALL. There really should be no need for sleep-overs with the exception that one of the children had to stay overnight in a hospital & they both wanted to stay with the child. There must be boundaries set. If they are separated then he has the right to visit the children & keep them over night separate from the ex. Most importantly because this could be soooo confusing for the children. I wouldn't worry about meeting her at this point, what I would be doing is having a conversation with him regarding his visitation arrangements.

I agree CanTaur, I feel that is a no no. But what can I really say to him. I have mentioned things in regards to this before and he keeps reassuring me that there is nothing to worry about, it's all about the kids. And honestly, I hope that he is not using his children as an excuse to be with their mommy all the time. Because I think the kids are the most important ones here, and she does not always have to be around, and him spending the night and vice versa. So you can see why I feel a bit uneasy...And he says he understands how I feel, but I don't believe he does.

If I were you, I'd stop talking & start walking. The kids mother still wants him, that's obvious. He doesn't have to participate in this though, but that's what he's doing. I find it very hard to believe that they stay the night with each other yet they have no physical interactions? You said that he has 3 children ages 3 & under which tells me this is a fairly recent breakup? I don't think either one are over each other yet. It seems to me they're still doing the back & forth thing that happens after a break-up & you, well you just seem to be cast aside. I wouldn't put up with this. Sorry 😢

Thanks CanTaur, I really appreciate your insight and honesty. Yea and I often feel I should just run and never look back. I am a little worried, I will may end up being the one hurt in the end.

Yes I agree they were together for 3 1/2 years and have been broken up for almost 2 years now. And it's so weird because he did date someone else after that, and it makes me wonder if she left because of the same situation. He told me that things just didn't work out. So I am not sure of the details on that one. However,yes I do believe a lot of feelings and emotions are involved here. And he tries to reassure me as much as he can, but it's still hard. I just hate that she is always around, when technically it's only suppose to be about the kids. I guess I should just admit that I am a bit jealous of her in a way, because she can spend as much time with him as she likes, she can use the kids as an excuse to see him. Maybe I am looking too deep? I don't know.

They broke up two years ago, and their kids are 3 and under? So they had children while they were technically broken up? Or do they have a set of multiples or something? If they had kids while "broken up", I'd really be skeptical about the sleepovers, even more than normal. There's obviously some strong pull they have on each other to keep having kids after they broke up.

I agree GEM, I'm skeptical of the sleepovers period & to be broken up for 2 YEARS! and still have this type of behaviour going on? This sounds like the things that would be happening 2 months out of a relationship not years! I know one thing for certain, I could never be secure in a relationship with a man who had sleepovers with his ex & I'd like to meet the woman who could. I'm confused :0

I am also confused, and skeptical. And yes you guys are right. I mean, I listen to one of my closest friends who is a female; She has child, her and her child's father still sleep together and she also has a boyfriend, who believes that they are in contact only for the sake of their child. So when I listen to her stories it makes me worry.

And they live a short distance from each other. You see so who is is going to suffere the most here besides the children?

Sounds like your spidey senses are tingling. Pay attention to your intuition, because it sounds to me that you may have a direction you're leaning towards, but are seeking validation/reassurance before you make a your decision. Matters of the heart are never easy, but everyone has given some great advice, so I hope you make the right decision for you.

I think you should move on. Even if there isn't anything going on he's not respecting how you feel by continuously letting his ex sleep over or whatever. its not right. Walk away.

"I am just trying to understand why is it when he goes to visit his mom with the kids, she has to come along and spend the night at moms house along with him? Or why is it that there are times when he has to spend the night at her place, or spend his days off at her place when he has a place of his own?"


Being nearly 50 years old, I've encountered numerous parents who are seperated from each other, and have children together ... and in every instance where the mother of the children feels compelled to accompany the father's visitation with his children, it's because she feels like she has to supervise this visitation because she doesn't TRUST the father.

If the mother of these children feels compelled to supervise visitation ... then she fears something. Perhaps, he at one time (during break-up) threatened to take custody of the kids .. or perhaps, he exhibited violent tendancies during the relationship .. or perhaps, she doesn't trust his parents, in that they might try and take custody .. there could be a number of possibilities as to why she doesn't trust him alone with the kids for a prolonged period of time.

Every couple I know in this situation ... when the mother actually TRUSTS the father of her children .. she doesn't insist on being present, and freely allows the father to care for his kids without her interference.

In your position ... instead of feeling upset, or like you are suffering because you aren't getting enough attention for your own sake ... I'd be looking at the actual reason WHY he isn't allowed to be alone with his kids .. for there is a reason, there's a reason for everything.

So far, you've only been contemplating from a possessive/jealousy standpoint, in which you feel threatened that somebody wants your man and might have intentions on stealing him from you ... when in reality, it could be something totally different.

If you really want answers to this equation ... then I would suggest that you stop jumping to conclusions that this woman is trying to seduce him back to her, and try to find the accurate answer.

In your position ... I would befriend the mother of his kids, and his parents ... and instead of being upset because YOU feel like your suffering due to a lack of attention to soothe your own ego, I would be listening to all signs that mother and parents present as to WHY this man isn't allowed to be with his kids alone.

I'm sorry perhaps I didn't state things clearly. She is not always present when he is with the kids. There are times when it's just him and the kids, or times when he would take his kids over to his moms house and she watches the kids for the week or the weekend. Or there are times when she is at work and he goes over to her place and stays spends times with the kids throughout the day. And yea P-Angel to an extent I am worried that I could lose him to her because they have such a long history, and they have a lot going on than him and I.However, I am not upset that I am not getting attention, because I know since he has kids and a lot of other things going on in his life, I am not going to be the center. And I am totally fine with that, as I stated in the beginning, I am being really understanding of that. Perhaps suffering may not have been the proper word to use here. I just needed some form of feedback in regards to this since I have never experienced or even dated a man with children. And yea you could be right, maybe there is more to it than I am actually thinking of. And that's why I asked for advice. I appreciate your honesty. But again, please bare with me here, it's my first experience, it's just a matter of me getting the whole picture.

P-A, I understand the point your trying to make, that perhaps there are other reasons why the guy isn't ALLOWED to see his children unsupervised, however shouldn't that be done through the courts with someone who is appointed, usually a outside party/counselor? If the mother had concerns about the children's welfare while with the father, there are proper steps to take through the legal system. The father also has rights, that being, visitation with his children, unsupervised, unless otherwise deemed necessary by a court. If that were the case the supervisor of those visits would again, most likely NOT be the mother.

This is why I don't think that's the case, not to mention that they have 3 children, under the age of 3.......but have been separated for 2 years? so the last two children were conceived during separation? I'd guess maybe during one of these visits with the oldest child? 🙂 I believe she has every right to be concerned. As a single mother. who has many other single parent friends.....I know PERSONALLY the games that are played between the parents of a child. For Iluv, to just turn a blind eye to the fact that her boyfriend is staying the night with the mother of his children would just be stupid on her part.

So.... iluvmecancer...... NO, this is not the way that visitation with children & their non-custodial parent go. If this is the arrangement that your boyfriend & his ex have & they are both in agreement with this, then the choice is yours to deal with it or to find someone else. Personally there ain't a snowballs chance in hell I'd ever go along with it but I dunno maybe I'm just insecure LOL

So I failed to mention that his little brother also stays at his children's mom's house pretty often. And for some reason he will not invite me to his house. So technically I don't know where and who he lives with. Also, they use to live together when they were together. So should I not worry? I actually asked him last night when was he going to invite me over to his house, and he says he's working on it. What does that mean? I don't get it.

I see, so, he is allowed private time with the kids .... scratch my previous thoughts then because they don't apply. I only said them because I thought differently .. I thought he wasn't permitted to be with his kids alone and this sent flags waving.


However, flags would still be waving with the fact that he spends nights with his ex ... and these flags wouldn't be of worry, or concern about where a standing is ... it would be existing-based.

In your position, iluvmecancer, no thoughts or energy of any kind would even be put into this equation ... the moment the awareness came to me that this man is spending nights with, and has fathered another child AFTER the seperation with this woman ...... I'd exist immediately.

It appears to me that you are worried about where you stand with this man, and in so doing, and in knowing that it is screwing with your emotions because of uncertainties .... it is ultimately robbing you of loving, peaceful energy.

I suppose everyone is different .... but, it seems like the proper course, from my perspective, is to walk away to continue your search for the man who won't leave you with doubt. If another person brings fear, or worry to you .... then this is your sign to swim away, so your heart will be protected from injury.

This is something that so many people do ... and I cannot figure out why, no matter how I attempt to analyze it.


If a person isn't a right match .. then why force it? Why try to figure out a reason? Why spend time and energy trying to determine what you need to do, or not do?


If two people belong together ... it's easy.

It's only when two people don't belong together, that it's hard.

So, if it's hard, or confusing, or complicated .. when it's suppose to be easy and fluid ... why then attempt to make a fit?


People would say ... "Because I love him" ... but, does that really matter in the reality of life? Love doesn't make happiness, it's the other way around .... happiness makes love.

To love another really means absolutely nothing if this love isn't given back .. for then it's all in vain, and leaves a person with mistrust and emotional baggage to carry forward to the next person because now you fear putting faith into a one-sided love, only to get burned for it.

If a person isn't a right match ... then why try to change ourself, or the other person into making it? Is that really love?

If a person has to cheat to win .. then they've actually lost.

To try to mold a relationship to fit within an expectation, is actually cheating yourself, and the other person of who you both actually are .. in which case, if you succeed, you've actually failed yourself.


If this man is not a right match for you because he leaves you with doubt, and emotional distress .... then you are cheating yourself, you are playing Aces, when in reality, you're holding dueces.

Thanks P-Angel, that was really deep yet so true. You are right. And although he says I am analyzing things to deeply, it's just my instincts telling me that something is just not right here. He is a wonderful guy, but because of what's going on, and me not being completely sure is what makes things difficult for me. Thanks again P-Angel, I definitely need to re-evaluate.