@looneybird
21 Years1,000+ Posts
Religious Jokes
Hehe...
Thats some funny shit man...!!! Thanks for the laugh Looneybird.
Top 15 Biblical Way To Acquire A Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose your son though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35
The pope comes down for his morning meal the server says EGGS BENEDICT.
O.K. They forgave Martin Luther and made a german a Pope. Will they forgive Henry the VIII and make an englishman one by say 2500 ?
Saving a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Jesus is walking through a marketplace when he comes across a small crowd
stoning a thief ... Jesus addresses the crowd and says "let he among you without
sin cast the first stone" .. A man at the back of the crowd stands and yells
"admit Jesus ... you always want to be first".
**************************************************
A man was talking to the Lord about women. "Lord why did you make women so
beautiful?"
The answer came, "So you would look at them."
Again the man asked, "Lord why did you make women so lovely?"
The reply came down, "So you would love them."
The man asked one more question. "Lord, why did you make women so dumb?"
The Lord said, "So they would love you."
stoning a thief ... Jesus addresses the crowd and says "let he among you without
sin cast the first stone" .. A man at the back of the crowd stands and yells
"admit Jesus ... you always want to be first".
**************************************************
A man was talking to the Lord about women. "Lord why did you make women so
beautiful?"
The answer came, "So you would look at them."
Again the man asked, "Lord why did you make women so lovely?"
The reply came down, "So you would love them."
The man asked one more question. "Lord, why did you make women so dumb?"
The Lord said, "So they would love you."
**OH LET A SISTA TELL YOU A JOKE OR TWO**
This joke starts out with
Two boys, one six and one 8 years old - who lived in a small town. This boys were always into something that they were not suppose to be in. They would cause trouble in this little town all the time. One thing right after another. Their teachers and elders would complain to their parents constantly.
FINALY the entire town got really sick of haveing to clean up after the boys. So the entire town marches over to their home about mid-day to consult their Mother. They say,
"You and your husband really need to do something about these boys. WE suggest that you take them to the church and have the priest talk to them!"
The mother seeing this as a last resort, approaches her husband later that night and told him of the events that day. She requested that they agree to take the two boys to the town priest. The husband agrees and tells his wife to take the two boys the following day after they get out of school. She did as her husband said, and took the two the following day.
When they arrived the priest said that he only wanted to talk to one boy at a time. He said that he would prefer to talk to the youngest first. He also instructed the mother to leave with the eldest and when he was ready he would swap the two boys.
She takes the eldest boy home and the priest envites the youngest into his office. The little boy was sweating with fear. The priest had a deep voice and with it he commanded the boy to take a seat. The boy hesitated, but took a seat as the Priest asked.
The priest sat behind his big desk and staired at the boy as to read his very mind. Finally the priest said,
"BOY, where is God?". The boy staired in fear. The priest repeated,
"Where is God?". The boy kinds shrugged his shoulders so slightly that the priest did not see a responce. The priest said in a bit of frustration,
"Boy, I asked you a question. Where is God!??" The boy arose to his feet in fear that he should do some searching and began looking behind the door, under the rug and behind his chair. The priest watched the boy. After the boy sat in his seat he asked,
"So where is God?" The boy (at a last attempt) looked under the priest's desk, behind the curtains and even in his coffee cup. The priest said,
"I'm gonna ask you one more time. Where is God!?" In complete fear the boy ran out of the room, ran as fast as he could home.
He ran into the living room where the elder boy sat waiting for his turn. He grabbed his brother by the arm and drug him up to the house attic *where they usualy planned all of their plots*.
After much breathing difficulties and the brother ordering him to spit it out...he says,
"THE TOWN LOST GOD - **breathing hard** AND THEY THINK WE DID IT!!"
***
A scientist was frustrated with God.
He commanded to talk with God.
He would yell "OH GOD! Whatever you do - man can do too.
The blind see, and the lame walk due to science!
People are resurrected from the dead.
Mothers are able to have babies rather they are furtle or not!
and ON the list goes.
God looks at man and says,
"ok" in the peacemaking patient voice that he has (even with the ignorant) "How about we have a contest. I make something and then you make something and we will see.
The scientist agrees.
God gets on his hands and knees and scoops up some dirt and begins to make a man.
He finishes and the man arises to his feet. Takes in a deep breath which assures that God completed his job successfully.
The scientist boldly professes, "NOW! Its my turn"
He gets on his hands and knees and scoops up some dirt and begins to make man.
God says, "ot ot ot...yooou didn't make that dirt"
******
A bunch of missionaries are out to sell Bibles.
Once a week they join up to share their profits and compare
This joke starts out with
Two boys, one six and one 8 years old - who lived in a small town. This boys were always into something that they were not suppose to be in. They would cause trouble in this little town all the time. One thing right after another. Their teachers and elders would complain to their parents constantly.
FINALY the entire town got really sick of haveing to clean up after the boys. So the entire town marches over to their home about mid-day to consult their Mother. They say,
"You and your husband really need to do something about these boys. WE suggest that you take them to the church and have the priest talk to them!"
The mother seeing this as a last resort, approaches her husband later that night and told him of the events that day. She requested that they agree to take the two boys to the town priest. The husband agrees and tells his wife to take the two boys the following day after they get out of school. She did as her husband said, and took the two the following day.
When they arrived the priest said that he only wanted to talk to one boy at a time. He said that he would prefer to talk to the youngest first. He also instructed the mother to leave with the eldest and when he was ready he would swap the two boys.
She takes the eldest boy home and the priest envites the youngest into his office. The little boy was sweating with fear. The priest had a deep voice and with it he commanded the boy to take a seat. The boy hesitated, but took a seat as the Priest asked.
The priest sat behind his big desk and staired at the boy as to read his very mind. Finally the priest said,
"BOY, where is God?". The boy staired in fear. The priest repeated,
"Where is God?". The boy kinds shrugged his shoulders so slightly that the priest did not see a responce. The priest said in a bit of frustration,
"Boy, I asked you a question. Where is God!??" The boy arose to his feet in fear that he should do some searching and began looking behind the door, under the rug and behind his chair. The priest watched the boy. After the boy sat in his seat he asked,
"So where is God?" The boy (at a last attempt) looked under the priest's desk, behind the curtains and even in his coffee cup. The priest said,
"I'm gonna ask you one more time. Where is God!?" In complete fear the boy ran out of the room, ran as fast as he could home.
He ran into the living room where the elder boy sat waiting for his turn. He grabbed his brother by the arm and drug him up to the house attic *where they usualy planned all of their plots*.
After much breathing difficulties and the brother ordering him to spit it out...he says,
"THE TOWN LOST GOD - **breathing hard** AND THEY THINK WE DID IT!!"
***
A scientist was frustrated with God.
He commanded to talk with God.
He would yell "OH GOD! Whatever you do - man can do too.
The blind see, and the lame walk due to science!
People are resurrected from the dead.
Mothers are able to have babies rather they are furtle or not!
and ON the list goes.
God looks at man and says,
"ok" in the peacemaking patient voice that he has (even with the ignorant) "How about we have a contest. I make something and then you make something and we will see.
The scientist agrees.
God gets on his hands and knees and scoops up some dirt and begins to make a man.
He finishes and the man arises to his feet. Takes in a deep breath which assures that God completed his job successfully.
The scientist boldly professes, "NOW! Its my turn"
He gets on his hands and knees and scoops up some dirt and begins to make man.
God says, "ot ot ot...yooou didn't make that dirt"
******
A bunch of missionaries are out to sell Bibles.
Once a week they join up to share their profits and compare
read the politial joke thingey. I am at least drunk and posting in the wrong place.
wtf?!!? LOL!
'..A man was talking to the Lord about women. "Lord why did you make women so
beautiful?"
The answer came, "So you would look at them."
Again the man asked, "Lord why did you make women so lovely?"
The reply came down, "So you would love them."
The man asked one more question. "Lord, why did you make women so dumb?"
The Lord said, "So they would love you." ...'
of all da jokes... this one waz CRRRRRRRRAAAAACKIN'...
beautiful?"
The answer came, "So you would look at them."
Again the man asked, "Lord why did you make women so lovely?"
The reply came down, "So you would love them."
The man asked one more question. "Lord, why did you make women so dumb?"
The Lord said, "So they would love you." ...'
of all da jokes... this one waz CRRRRRRRRAAAAACKIN'...
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Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!