Feeling gutted about being sag man's backup plan :(

Hi all,

I'm 25 female (taurus sun, aquarius moon, aries venus, leo mars), he is 33 male (gemini sun, sagittarius moon, venus sag and mars scorpio), we met online and he pursued me very over the top since the start and he's about 2 hrs drive away so it was always long distance from the start.. waited 4 months to get "intimate" he was my first ever and he knows it... I could sense he was a massive commitment phobe in that he had moved around a lot from place to place, job to job (staying in each job 1-2 yrs at most usually) and girlfriend to girlfriend, doesn't own any house/flat and doesn't even own a car (uses his work company car) and he has gemini sun and sag moon - both very flighty and not settling down signs typically!

Anyway, as I am a bit a commitment phobe too (not to his extent but I don't have the desire to get married or babies, etc. or even to move in together) as I like my space a lot and like to be away from the person enough that I actually miss them (not be with them 24/7) but I do value stable long term relationships and not a fan of dating multiple people at a time or cheating... so his commitment phobia wasn't off-putting to me as he certainly pursued me hugely and gave me more than enough attention and took great effort to come and visit me, buy me treats, phone me, initiates text convos etc...

After about 6 months, we had a bit of an issue which led to us breaking up for 4 days before he came back initiating conversation again and basically wanting me back.. thing is he works crazy hours (sometimes 16+ hours per day, 6 days a week!) so this affects his mood negatively and when we meet up for a date etc. he'll often pick me up after being at work for 8 hours so is a bit grumpy and once he had a fever and it was the hottest day of the year which all compounded into extra stress for him... which is fine but issue is sometimes in the moment, he somehow thinks it's me upsetting him but after a few days, he realises it was just work stress/him being ill (it's like going to a nice restaurant with a stomach bug, no matter how good the food is, you won't appreciate it if you're sick!)

At first he was full-on talking about marriage, babies, etc. without me prompting these things as he's very charming, flirty (I know, typical player traits) but I didn't take it seriously as it's all just talk isn't it.. after 6 months, this suddenly stopped and he wouldn't initiate contact etc. and that was when the week long break up occurred.. then, when we got back together, he kept begging to see me and eventually weeks later, we did meet up, had a great few hours together, got intimate and he was very pleased and said he'd def find a time soon to spend proper time with me.. and even last week, he'd phone me and ask why I hadn't texted him all day etc. because weirdly he's very very possessive and constantly afraid that someone will come along and take me from him (he gets annoyed/upset if I don't pick up the phone when he rings, or reply to texts quickly enough - event though he's sent me more than 11,000 texts so far and I've replied to them all so far and now, he full on hints about having babies etc.

Now, he's from Ireland and I know he only moved to London for a job a year before he met me but the job makes him miserable and he hasn't got any family here in London but says I always make him happy and I'm the only bearable thing in this whole country..

A month ago, he did mention, during the time when he stopped inititiating 6 months ago, he did interview for a job in ireland and didn't get it and everything happens for a reason so it's fine (which explains why he wasn't attentive to me at the time).. I felt awkward about the fact he hid this from me (he told me at the time he was going to ireland to visit a mate.. which is also true he says)... he could tell I was a bit upset and this was when he was dropping me off and I started to say, I've got to be getting home etc. and he tried to comfort me and said no no, I'm happy how things have turned out, I'll see ya soon etc.

I felt upset but also glad he didn't get that job so at least that issue is done with..

Now, the other day when we met up after he said he was soo keen to see me again, he tells me he's looking at buying a house over there (as it's cheaper than in london which is fine as he was going to rent it out to others anyway) and is speaking to a boss of a company over there regarding the possibility of a job over there....! That made my stomach lurch especially after how increasingly possessive he has been getting and constantly questioning me if I'm chatting to other guys and pursuing me hard in recent days..

Last time he was looking at jobs in Ireland 4 months ago secretly, he showed me less attention leading to us breaking up, which is why, this time I'm so confused as to why he's behaving the total opposite and making me feel like he wants me more, questioning me if I don't respond in time, phoning me after work, yet plodding on with secret plans.. 😢

He could tell I was shocked and upset and kept telling me that it's not like he has a job offer and reminded me that he didn't get the ireland job 4 months ago after the interview, so whose to say he'd get this one.. but that's him saying he def wants to leave but it's on the hands of the other side to whether it happens or not.. i.e. his intention is to go..

I said to him that it's his life and his choice to make and of course, no one should stay if they're unhappy in a pace and he thought I meant it rudely and tried to comfort me but I didn't (but I can't help be upset after speaking to someone for 10 months every day (by him intitiating) and him being the first person I've been intimate one..

I know you'll all say he's a life long traveller and won't want to settle down and I've over-invested my feelings towards someone who just doesn't care but he goes through mood swings where one minute, he says he won't drink ever again, wants a baby, to settle down and the next minute, he's ready to dump me and carry on travelling and he cycles through this over and over.

P.S I know he's technically a gemini but I posted it here as I feel people's moon sign's are more indicative of their personality.

Our physical attraction and intimacy has been very strong right from day 1 until now but there's more to a relationship than that....

I feel if he's happy to throw away 10 months with a girl who's 8 years younger than him, a size 8, with double D chest, two degrees, a highly respected job and was a virgin, kind and faithful whereas he's quite a heavy drinker, hasn't got much stability and looks older than his age and has quite an average job, why shouldn't i be ok to move on as well? (of course, I'm just trying to justify this all to myself, not saying his job should indicate his worth or anything as I hugely care for him and wanted him)

Any insight? I just hate being someone's backup 😢 I know things will end sooner rather than later but I'm dreading it.. Maybe one day I'll look back and be glad but no guarantees in life 😢 what if I always regret what's happened...

I don't see you as a backup. I see him being homesick and trying to get back there.

Would you move to Ireland to be with him?

Your not supposed to end up with the first dick you fuck anyways. No worries.

Why are you dating down and expecting spectacular results?

You sound like a catch and he doesn’t.

At least you are not a virgin anymore 😛

OP, I’m going to focus on you and speak in practical terms. What I’m about to say is not to demean you or say you’re a bad person. It’s also not victim blaming.

In truth, you’re partly responsible for what is going on. No, you’re not at fault for who he is, but you’re responsible for what you allow in your life. If you’re honest with yourself, you got involved with someone who is a commitment phobe and is also unstable.

Ok, look at that for a second. Those two things are complete opposites and cannot exist at the same time...and I don’t care what anyone says and there are plenty of examples to back me up 🙂. Like attracts like. It doesn’t matter what you have achieved financially, career wise, or your appearance. Your mentality and thoughts are what set the terms of what you experience in love. You can’t have it both ways and this guy is reflecting that which you put out. You have decide what do you want... to be noncommittal or in a serious committed relationship. If it’s the former, them you have to accept the typical trappings that come with that...an example is this guy...and expect for him to do those things. To and fro, says one thing but does the next, charms to keep you in place. Not to be mean, but he is only showing that aspect of you that needs to be resolved because in a way you’re doing the exact same thing. Wanting the benefits of companionship but not fully investing. Why I’m not advocating people being mistreated or not shown common courtesy, but you didn’t want commitment and neither did he. So you can’t be upset when he treats you as an option because truthfully he’s only an option for you. This is evidenced by the fact that he did most of the initiating. He only told you what you needed to hear in order to keep the “stability” coming. Hence why you felt so attracted to him...but this is also your weakness. You let an unstable person dictate the situation and control it. These are typically the results when that happens.

If you decide that you want true commitment and all that comes with it(loyalty, transparency, etc), then you will not want to even entertain guys like this. You also can’t fix them. Learn to love at a distance and hopefully they will do what it takes to change. But first, you have to change. Good luck 🙂

Posted by Undine
At least you are not a virgin anymore 😛

😂😂🤣🤣🤣😂🤣🤣

Posted by aj123
Hi all,

I'm 25 female (taurus sun, aquarius moon, aries venus, leo mars), he is 33 male (gemini sun, sagittarius moon, venus sag and mars scorpio), we met online and he pursued me very over the top since the start and he's about 2 hrs drive away so it was always long distance from the start.. waited 4 months to get "intimate" he was my first ever and he knows it... I could sense he was a massive commitment phobe in that he had moved around a lot from place to place, job to job (staying in each job 1-2 yrs at most usually) and girlfriend to girlfriend, doesn't own any house/flat and doesn't even own a car (uses his work company car)

I don't own a house/flat or car either

Posted by Harukka
Is he a gemini or sag?

In my opinion, both lol since he has gemini sun but a sagittarius moon. I know people use the person's sun sign as their "label" but he has traits of both his sun and moon sign and more of a sagittarius I'd say.

Posted by LadyNeptune
I don't see you as a backup. I see him being homesick and trying to get back there.

Would you move to Ireland to be with him?

Thank you for your reassuring reply. Just annoys me that he made the option to move to the UK for a job and had been here a year before we even met and at the time, he had no huge desire to go back (he speaks to his parents etc. only once every few weeks) and he has lots of friends both over there and here.

No, I wouldn't move as for him, he knows people here and there yet I don't know anyone over there except him.

Posted by nightowl
Sounds like something a sag would do. had similar experience and dude was overdoing it..pushing on moving here and saying that he wants to get married.

Then next minute we was saying that to other girls.

dont invest emotions or time into a guy like this

Thanks for the post - it just doesn't make sense.. IF I was wanting marriage, babies, etc. I could say he was saying all those things of wanting a baby etc. to make me like him so I'd sleep with him etc. BUT he has always known I am not interested in babies, marriage etc. and he was very much the same so there's nothing for him to be gained by hinting at wanting all that with me... unless he just wants the power of knowing I'd commit to him etc. if he ever needed to...

Posted by Arielle83
Sounds like he clings to you cuz you make him happy in London, but he really wants to be in Ireland. So you're a crutch for him in order to distract himself in London.

You also think you're too good for him.

So why does it matter what he does?

If you're too good for him, why seek validation?

Is this an ego thing for you?

I definitely do not think I'm "too good" for him at all.. that comparison at the end of my post regarding his age, career,etc. was only a justification to myself to make the situation more bearable for him like a "it's his loss" but I know for sure, I wouldn't have written up this whole post if I really thought that!

Not an ego thing at all, lots of guys have shown interest in me both before and during the time I was with him and I never wanted any of them.

Posted by bkbella86
Why are you dating down and expecting spectacular results?

You sound like a catch and he doesn’t.

Thanks for your post - yeah I know but you can't help who you want.. I've known guys who were "better on paper" but instinctually not what I desired romantically.

Posted by bmoon8
If he's a Gemini sun, he can't have a Venus in Sag. Our Venus signs can only be 2 signs away from our sun signs... so his Venus sign can be Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, or Leo.

Yes, sorry I meant he has a Venus in Gemini - wrote it all from memory so had a mix-up with that one.

Posted by Ravishing
I'm a Gemini Sun/Sag Moon as well.

I say try to get over him and move on. You're the back-up plan. If things don't work out for him to move to Ireland, he'll stay with you. That's not good enough in my eyes.

Yeah that's what annoys me... that I'm probably the back up yet he's overly possessive and always trying to keep me on a short leash, constantly worrying I'm seeing another guy etc. as if I'm his first choice (!)