Am I a doormat?

I've been having problems with my Cancer partner ignoring me. He can go days without talking to me in any form. I was talking to my mother about it the other day. I said to her "why does everyone in my life feel they can ignore me or walk all over me?" and obviously not EVERYBODY in my life does that but majority of them do.

Friends will often come to me for advice and help yet won't be there when I need it in return, my dad used to tell me he would pick me up when I was little and would do a no-show, and boyfriends often come and go as they please...not noticing me at all once they're gone until they want something again or are lonely.

I have no idea how to make people stop taking me for granted and I also have no idea how much is too much when it comes to people treating me this way. I feel guilty if I pull people up on it, like I may be being needy and/or clingy, and I wonder if I'm just expecting too much from people or if there really is a problem.

I don't want to be a doormat but I just can't think of what else would cause this to happen. I'm obviously the common denominator so it's something I'M doing.

Does anyone know how to deal with this?

QS - I think mirroring his actions is a good idea. I've tried pulling back but I've never been able to fully mirror his actions. He can go around 3 days without speaking to me at all and I'll decide I'll do the same but have only made it 3 hours 😛 It worked...but for less than a week.

I've been thinking of leaving him but I have such strong feelings that I don't want to jump the gun and miss out...but I guess I'm missing out anyways huh?

As for the friends thing, I pretty much agree with you. I also don't need anyone and when I do I'll speak to my mum or brother...but it would be nice to think I had friends to go to as well. I never considered just thinking of it as good karma, I'll try that next time 😄

Exo - I've asked him a couple times about what's going on. His response is usually he's busy and his latest one was that he was sick. Last week he came over when he realised I was hurt and I talked to him about how I feel when he ignores me. He said sometimes he's busy or he just wants to be with his friends and not think about anything. I told him that's fine but one text or call to say that he's busy or just wants to spend time with his mates would be nice. A couple of days later he ignored me again for the whole of easter weekend. His excuse was he was sick and doesn't do anything but sleep at those times. I told him again, just a text or something would have been nice. That way I would know he just can't/doesn't want to talk and that he wasn't actually ignoring me. It's now the next weekend and he's doing it again.

I think you may be right, he feels secure with me so isn't putting in as much effort. When he isn't ignoring me he's very affectionate and even more so when we're actually together face-to-face.

I just don't know if I should mirror him, wait and see what happens, and then break up with him if nothing changes...or if I should tell him once more and actually warn him that I will leave if it keeps happening.

I last saw him 10 days ago but that was only because he had ignored me for a while and I think it showed in what I had texted him...so he came over. He lives half an hour away from me, it was 10:30 at night..but he had been drinking (which I wasn't happy to hear he was drinking and driving.) He was really apologetic that night. He said communication was key because things similar will pop up in our relationship again. When he was sick for easter weekend he didn't talk to me again until the tuesday...I tried the mirror thing but I only lasted a few hours at a time...it seemed to work. Instead of him taking hours to reply when he wasn't ignoring me he was texting instantly. I got sick of the game and asked him why he had ignored me on the wednesday and told him it had hurt me and he was even more apologetic. But he was acting weird. He was taking everything I said literally. I told him I was sorry that he was sick...and he thought I ment it was my fault. basically everything I said to him that day he replied with "it's not you" or "it's not your fault"...which made me suspicious. He also told me he loved me a lot more than usual.

Now that you mention it I do see that he reacts different when the roles are kinda reversed. I don't have any transport and am pretty anti-social anyways but when I actually do go out, even just to do the shopping, he does the whole 'why, when, what, where and who' thing. I don't think he's suspicious but he does act completely different at those times and even gets clingy...even if he knows I'm just at the supermarket.

I've been trying to get him to see me more often but the times he seems like he will actually see me is when he ignores me. I don't think he's physically cheating on me but I know he's out drinking with friends because he's told me. And it's not just a 'guys night out' either...he speaks a lot of these two females that work right next to him and one of them has been drinking with him..it's actually her work that he stays back and drinks at.

So I don't know...I can see and understand what you're saying but at the same time I'm still wondering what's really going on.

I don't know if I'm even making sense 😛

Dreamer23 - I'm exactly the same when I try to mirror him. I can't even last a few days!

I am starting to consider leaving him...it's just that I feel so strongly for him that I don't want to ruin something that might just take time to blossom...if that makes sense... We went to primary school together and he told me he's had feelings for me since then (basically 12 years) so it's really not something I want to rush out of.

I think you're right about why you think people may be taking me for granted. That's one big lesson I've gotten out of this relationship so far. Thank you for your advice, I will definitely try it out. 😄 Or at least attempt to try it out 😛

Posted by TypicalScorpio

I was talking to my mother about it the other day. I said to her "why does everyone in my life feel they can ignore me or walk all over me?"

What a horrible thing to say to your mother ... I can only imagine what kind of guilt you must be laying on others.


I'm not surprised in the least bit that your men, or any other person for that matter, not wanting to talk to you.

You should check yourself .. that is where you will find the problem.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by TypicalScorpio

I was talking to my mother about it the other day. I said to her "why does everyone in my life feel they can ignore me or walk all over me?"

What a horrible thing to say to your mother ... I can only imagine what kind of guilt you must be laying on others.


I'm not surprised in the least bit that your men, or any other person for that matter, not wanting to talk to you.

click to expand

Me and my mother have a very close relationship. It's been just me and her for most of my life, so I can talk to her about my problems and she does the same with me. I was asking her for advice. That was the first time I ever verbalised feeling that way about things in my life. I actually stay silent when I feel people are treating me in that way except for this recent time with my partner...but I can see from what I've said in this thread how it could come across that way.

Also, I'm trying to check myself, that's how I came to the conclusion that I'm the common denominator and it's something I'M doing instead of what others are doing. Which is why I'm asking for advice 🙂

I appreciate your point of view and honest opinion though.

Wineaux - These girls he's only just met in the past month, which is when he started getting distant. He's very social and I've asked him what he would do if someone was to hit on him (considering he isn't ready to be public yet...but I think I explained that to you in a PM) and he said he's a one woman man and that doing anything like one night stands or having an affair would ruin his image...I don't know what that means...but he also said he would be really offended if anyone tried convincing him to do anything with them. He said he would decline them and depending on if the persisted he would then tell them he's actually seeing someone. So what you said about that makes a lot of sense when I compare it to things he's said.

Hmm I suppose he could be shelling because I told him I was hurt. I tried to own my feelings, though, and not blame him. But from reading 'Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus' we have a way of making men feel blamed when we say things...so that could absolutely be the case.

One time he hurt himself in a softball game...it was pretty bad, and I also got into mummy mode...he was really receptive to it but we had only been offically together for two weeks at that stage. This time he also shut me down in a way (by saying it wasn't me and it wasn't my fault) but that could be because we've been together longer now and he felt more comfortable doing that. I didn't take offence to it...but I still felt like something weird was happening. He also didn't tell me he was sick until I asked him what was going on.

As far as the pub/bar situation and the girls goes...how do you manage to not let it get to you? Or is it a learned thing? I don't openly show it gets to me but I can't deny it on the inside. I'm not really jealous or anything of these girls...I guess it's more that I'm hyper-aware of them...if that makes sense 😛

Wineaux - Yes he talks about them to me. He had been talking to them for a couple weeks or more before he mentioned them though. The first girl he said went to primary school with us but that he didn't remember her. Two times when he's ignored me I've found out he's been drinking with her at her work. I don't think it was just the two of them but he doesn't really include anyone else when he talks about it.

The second girl works across the road from him at a gas station. He tells me he goes there for lunch and she will give him so much extra stuff that he has to take it home for dinner and can actually feed his sister and her partner with it.

When he told me about them the last time I saw him he had forgotten he had already told me about them. I was acting normal...we were cuddled up on the sofa as usual and suddenly he goes something like "Oh I can feel a change coming from you". I didn't understand what he ment but then he said he could just feel the jealousy coming from me...I hadn't changed how I was acting but he does have this thing where he can read my mind and feelings...sometimes better than I can read myself. Anyway he said "well I'll tell you this then, just because I know it will make you jealous and it's funny". He didn't mean it in a nasty way, it was said as a joke, but he told me that the second girl would bring the food to his work and she would complain about her work. He gave her advice and she suddenly gave him a huge (sounded like a lingering) hug and told him she really appreciated his advice and encouragement. He said he thinks she has a boyfriend or is engaged but it still cut me. I don't know what was worse...the fact that he was getting so close with this girl that people were commenting on it or the fact that he told me because he wanted me to get jealous.

But that's what makes me wonder if he's having an emotional affair. I really don't think he would physically cheat...but with his personality I kinda wouldn't put it past him to emotionally cheat. He also has his Venus in Gemini..and I know that that placement gets a bad rap but he does seem to get bored and need a lot of stimulation...which is why I think he would be capable of emotionally cheating...he may not even KNOW that it's a form of cheating.

But in saying all of that it gives me confidence that he's actually telling me about these girls. My ex cancer never told me about girls and he had 3 other girlfriends on the go so...I guess that he's mentioning

them must be a good thing instead of pretending he only talks to men.

Skylark - I know, sometimes I feel like it's worse than just being ignored 😛 But I'm going to give it a really good go this time!

Yeah it's kinda scary how much we are alike, but cool at the same time xD

TIP -

I have not ever once known or even heard of a Scorpio female
who SHOWED through INITIAION enough physical interest in her
male love interest to make him feel

- that he mattered to her
- that he was sexually attractive to her
- that he was NEEDED by her, to give him a sense of utility - a reason for the relationship to continue
- that he was IMPOSING on her when trying to show HER the physical affection she so wants - but is usually uncomforable accepting

One argument I have heard was "well, with him, every show of physical affection leads to sex"

Uh ...but when you DO NOT EVER show any affection ... and NEVER initiate sex
in order to GET SOME ... that's what HE NEEDS TO DO ... and since you've taught him that you
will reject most shows of physical affection, he runs with it when he has the chance.

In summary: Show more affection.
Yes, at first it will probably lead to sex. ( and for gawd sakes don't push him away -submit )
But if you show affection more often, eventually you will have it returned without sex
and you won't need to be wondering what he's doing with other women
because you will have showed him you WANT him (physically) and NEED him ( spiritually )
... and will have A LOT more power over him.
Not due threat of being "cut off" ... but by him wanting to keep you happy.

Posted by scorpiopics
TIP -

I have not ever once known or even heard of a Scorpio female
who SHOWED through INITIAION enough physical interest in her
male love interest to make him feel

- that he mattered to her
- that he was sexually attractive to her
- that he was NEEDED by her, to give him a sense of utility - a reason for the relationship to continue
- that he was IMPOSING on her when trying to show HER the physical affection she so wants - but is usually uncomforable accepting

One argument I have heard was "well, with him, every show of physical affection leads to sex"

Uh ...but when you DO NOT EVER show any affection ... and NEVER initiate sex
in order to GET SOME ... that's what HE NEEDS TO DO ... and since you've taught him that you
will reject most shows of physical affection, he runs with it when he has the chance.

In summary: Show more affection.
Yes, at first it will probably lead to sex. ( and for gawd sakes don't push him away -submit )
But if you show affection more often, eventually you will have it returned without sex
and you won't need to be wondering what he's doing with other women
because you will have showed him you WANT him (physically) and NEED him ( spiritually )
... and will have A LOT more power over him.
Not due threat of being "cut off" ... but by him wanting to keep you happy.

That's awesome advice.

I have a much higher sex drive than him so I initiate sex a lot. I have absolutely NO problem if affection turns sexual, in fact I encourage it.

We can hug, kiss and touch for hours WITH our clothes on as well.

But I'm thinking the affection you're speaking of may be different to what I show him.... Because he does ask me a lot how I feel about him in various ways.

I have a difficult time being affectionate verbally so I'll write it down or whatever...but when we finally get to see each other I have no problems showing my affections in other ways. Which is strange, I think, because I've never been able to do this before.

When ever anyone showed me affection...or even sexual affection I would freeze up. My brain would be working overtime and I'd kinda detatch. But with him, from the very start, I've felt really comfortable to just go with it and also initiate it.

Maybe my problem is that I'm being TOO sexual even when I'm trying not to. I'll have to think about other ways I can initiate/sh

I'll have to think about other ways I can initiate/show him affection. Also maybe the affection I THINK I'm showing isn't coming through on his side...so thanks a lot for that, it's given me heaps to think about!

I wish someone would have shown me this 15 years ago.
Assertiveness skills. Im still working on them myself so im no expert but I can tell you when I dont do this I definitely feel walked on, especially in relationships. I found it awkward at first, and sometimes I feel like voicing my opinion and making it stick is overbearing myself, but im finding that you just have to force some people to respect you with a hammer. If you go too far a few times in the process chalk it up to experience or apologize afterwards.
http://www.cars.unm.edu/PDFs/resources/Assertiveness_Skills.pdf<BR> http://www.ehow.com/how_5169934_increase-assertiveness-skills.html<BR> http://www.livestrong.com/article/14699-improving-assertive-behavior/