How do you react.....

if someone breaks down in front of your while telling you something really bad that's going on for them?

do you hug them and comfort them? does that come naturally to you?

i ask cos i had a bit of an emtotional moment at work while talking to a woman i get on great with. she's aqua and a little older than me and i wanted her advice on a health issue i have. for various reasons, i got really upset and couldn't stop myself crying which is really not me as a) i was at the workplace and b) i have virgo rising, lol...i am mrs spock mostly.

anyhow, cos she's an aqua, they're not the most tactile of people and she said to me 'i know i should give you a hug right now but i'm crap at that sort of thing' and i was grateful cos i'm crap at that sort of thing too.

even my bestie friend and i have only had momentary hugs of support or sympathy/empathy cos it kinda feels awkward to me.

so.....do you know what to do and what to say when someone is laid bare before you?

ffs...that last sentence was all wrong for the scorp board, lol.

Hugs are useless for the person in dire straights, and only there for the other person to feel like they are doing something to help you ... they provide zero resolution to the problem. The people who hug, rarely, if ever, offer anything other than that and a smile. maybe words like, "don't cry, baby, it's ok" .. when in reality, it's not ok. If it were ok then you wouldn't be in despair.

Proper words in which support your crying session (or however the upset is expressed) is what actually helps.


In telling the person why they should be crying, why they should be in despair gives the person justification for it, and relieves them of all embarassment .... while telling them not to cry, or hugging to try and stop the tears embarasses the person because they believe that they shouldn't be crying, and is weak.



Huggers pretty much have zero to offer the person in terms of resolving the situation and hug for themselves exclusively

It's actually a pretty selfish act, since it is in place to make them feel better, like they did something.


Well something isn't the solution .... making the upset person feel validated in their reasons for crying is the solution.

I wasn't talking about casual hugs of affection.


JesusFuckingChrist .. are all of you really that stupid, or do you just pretend to be

Wow, uhmm, babies need hugs. They need affection for proper growth. I've never heard of a hug not having an effect on someone. Some people do have issues with personal space and are not touchy-feely. I think you can gauge this from knowing someone after a while. As for crying, I think it's healthy and cathartic. In a work situation, it can be awkward especially if you are not close. I hope it was in a private area when she broke down?

Doesn't really matter to me if you can't own your words, Elle .... because it's not my discredit, only yours.

i agree with you p...most people, when they give you a sympathy hug would rather be beamed up outta there, LOL.

the only people i enjoy hugging are my kids. my son came back to spain to visit at the beginning of april and it's soooo nice to have a big tall manchild give his mummy a hug.

and actually, my ex gave me a sincere hug a little while ago when i was particularly down. i think i'd just missed the closeness to a man's body really....in a non-sexual way though.

Posted by P-Angel
words like, "don't cry, baby, it's ok" .. when in reality, it's not ok. If it were ok then you wouldn't be in despair.

Proper words in which support your crying session (or however the upset is expressed) is what actually helps.

In telling the person why they should be crying, why they should be in despair gives the person justification for it, and relieves them of all embarassment .... while telling them not to cry, or hugging to try and stop the tears embarasses the person because they believe that they shouldn't be crying, and is weak.

Huggers pretty much have zero to offer the person in terms of resolving the situation and hug for themselves exclusively

Exactly. Usually through the cleansing of crying and justification (this is something I've noticed in myself and others) there is a short period of tranquility of thought, then that feeling from justification magnifies and the person becomes more proactive in facing or accepting what caused the crying originally.

I hate being told 'its okay' when crying. It feels so demeaning.

Posted by MidniteStar
I'm not really a hugger. It just feels too awkward for me. I never know what to say or do in those types of situations. All of it is just very awkward for me. I really want to help the person and there is always this voice inside of me saying..."just say something or just give them a hug" etc. But I can never do it or come up with the right words to say. Then again, I also feel awkward when someone tries to comfort me. I just try to avoid those situations at all costs because I'm suck at them.

^^^This is me, too. I usually try to say something, but it comes out really generic and dumb. I don't even try to hug unless the person initiates it, but either way I'm uncomfortable with it.

Posted by Scenic

Posted by MidniteStar
I'm not really a hugger. It just feels too awkward for me. I never know what to say or do in those types of situations. All of it is just very awkward for me. I really want to help the person and there is always this voice inside of me saying..."just say something or just give them a hug" etc. But I can never do it or come up with the right words to say. Then again, I also feel awkward when someone tries to comfort me. I just try to avoid those situations at all costs because I'm suck at them.

^^^This is me, too. I usually try to say something, but it comes out really generic and dumb. I don't even try to hug unless the person initiates it, but either way I'm uncomfortable with it.

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It's endearing that you're so honest about that 😛

Posted by ellessque
even so.......

if i was standing in the middle of a breakdown or crisis............it would be quite amazing for someone to come to me and hug me.

no words, screw words. just a hug.

how is that not understanding your statement? i still disagree.

i add words. merc in sag. that's what i do.
you speak with fire balls, aries merc. that's what you do.

i know we can doooooooooooooooooooooo this. read it again. just every other word this time. 😛

I hug, when the person needs one, and hug until they have gone through their need to cry and be hugged, then stand back and listen.

You're right Elle, I was in an extreme crisis over the weekend, my friend appeared in front of me and hugged me, tightly and with meaning, love, empathy and absolutely no selfishness on her part, there was nothing else she could do - we both knew it, but the hug was so gratefully received, it didn't change the situation but it said more than any words could ever say. To not understand that a hug can mean more than words is to not understand that words can be less than a hug - or maybe to never have been in a situation where a hug is all that can be offered.

I have a patient who is dying. Just started the phase of actively dying. Her son is beside himself. He cries in front of us nurses almost every time we see him. I don't give him hugs.. I don't really offer hugs as a type of consolation, unless someone asks me for one, and then I will acquiesce. What I do, is tell him that this is natural, we are doing everything we can to keep her comfortable and if there is anything he needs to not hesitate to ask. And then I explain the signs that she is showing that she is resting comfortably. If she wasn't I would be calling up Hospice to get her orders changed so that she would be comfortable again. I helped him put her catholic religious symbol (he called it something but I dont' remember) on her when she was unarousable. I helped him find her prayer books when she was moved from one room to another and they were left behind in the chaos. I tried to wake her up to spend a few minutes with him while she was lucid. And I left him and his mother together, gave them their privacy, while I was just outside if he needed anything.

sky: sounds like 'professional' caring...surely that's an integral part of your job as a nurse?

Possibly, but you see.. we're allowed to interpret that in whatever way we want (with limits, obviously). Lots of nurses hug the patients and their families.

Posted by Skykomish
Possibly, but you see.. we're allowed to interpret that in whatever way we want (with limits, obviously). Lots of nurses hug the patients and their families.

I've volunteered with hospice - volunteers and all staff alike were the same as empathetic and compassionate humans.

I think with that level of 'unfairness' (that is the life cycle, unfortunately) hugs and touch is innate. That's raw human grief.

With less serious 'hurts' (that occur occasionally to us during life) justification is more effective.

But yeah, that is 100% valid and raw.

Cancer guy here....I Love giving huge tight Hugs but it would be kind of akward in public or to a random person...i would be kind of embarrassed because I wouldnt want them to take it the wrong way.....So I'd probably mess up and offer a hand shake or something..LoL

I hug and immediately say something funny to break the ice.

Then, the person usually feels better about letting their emotions go.

Mm, no hugs can be quite awkward for me, I just feel weird doing that- so I rarely hug anyone. If someone were to breakdown right in front of me, I would be silent for a moment and try to mentally put myself in their shoes. If I can have a moment to really feel what the other person may be feeling based on past experiences, a pang of emotion arises that resonates with me. And when that happens, perhaps I'll put a hand on their shoulder and ask a question relating whats going on in their life and the deeper meaning to it, or add a comment intuitively which I know will make them feel understood and cared about. When talking calmly to someone, they usually begin to settle down a bit- and are at ease.
When I'm sad, not a hug, a kiss, a little gesture of affection or an "Oh, everything's going to be okay" can make me feel better. Actually "It's going to be okay" is quite condescending when you feel like it's all falling apart. I don;t want someone to try to make me feel better, I want someone to -listen-, which is in a lot of cases what everyone needs.
What does make me feel better is that comfortable sensation of being realized by someone, and connecting on a deep emotional level.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
I get what you're sayin. Like when a relative dies and you have those morons that spout the "it's god's plan" or "theyre in a better place" type nuggets...

Yes, that type of stuff really doesn't help at all you know? If anything it just makes you feel alone.

Posted by P-Angel
Hugs are useless for the person in dire straights, and only there for the other person to feel like they are doing something to help you ... they provide zero resolution to the problem. The people who hug, rarely, if ever, offer anything other than that and a smile. maybe words like, "don't cry, baby, it's ok" .. when in reality, it's not ok. If it were ok then you wouldn't be in despair.

Proper words in which support your crying session (or however the upset is expressed) is what actually helps.


In telling the person why they should be crying, why they should be in despair gives the person justification for it, and relieves them of all embarassment .... while telling them not to cry, or hugging to try and stop the tears embarasses the person because they believe that they shouldn't be crying, and is weak.



Huggers pretty much have zero to offer the person in terms of resolving the situation and hug for themselves exclusively

This is very illuminating! I get exactly what she is saying.

hugs of affection vs consoling are totally different things. I know what it feels like to be on both ends. I love my bestie though because although she hugs me, she also empathizes and makes sense of why I am crying which helps me not to feel helpless or weak. Thanks P-Angel! Nice!

"so.....do you know what to do and what to say when someone is laid bare before you?"

If it looks like they are going to be receptive or need to be touched, then I'll give them a hug, put my arm around them, etc. hugs are great.

as for what i say... depending on the situation... sadness, remorse, extremely frustrated anger, whatevs... are all valid feelings in some way, and the only way you can be free of those negative feelings is if you come to terms with the cause and have some mental or emotional plan of action that gets you past or through them. so i try to break it down for people who need some comfort... they need to know they should feel that way and that soon there'll be relief with the right mentality.

take a break-up for example. we've all been there at least once. some of us know the routine. my lil sis is still pretty new to it. so around the first time she had to deal... i told her 'look kiddo, it will suck. I'm not going to lie. rejection or loss of someone filling a place in your heart is damn terrible. let the feelings run their course. wallow for a minute if necessary, but dont linger in that rut. distract yourself and with time eventually it goes away. and with even more time, someone else will come along who's even more awesome and will sweep you off your feet and you'll forget whats-his-name' ...words to that effect.

all negative feelings are like a cold... they have to run their course and if you wanna help speed it up... take your vitamins, eat your healthy soup, get your rest, get your sunshine and fresh air, etc.

if you're like me and get zero sleep, go out drinking on the weekends (even if it is a light beer or two), forget your emergen-c, and dont take a day off of work to heal... then you'll be seeing yourself into week 3 of a cold that you should've been over 2 weeks ago. same thing can be applied to negative feelings... if it's ignored, brushed off, fed into in the wrong way... they will linger.

Posted by ellessque

Posted by P-Angel
Doesn't really matter to me if you can't own your words, Elle .... because it's not my discredit, only yours.

*tackle hugs P-Angel* 😛

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lol-- nice

"so.....do you know what to do and what to say when someone is laid bare before you?"

My Sagg sister (who is a drama queen) does this all the time. She will call me crying on the phone crying I would just listen until she if finsh. When she does this in person and I just look at her and tell her "you are not going to solve the problem crying"

My Libra son borke down one day a few years ago we sat on the sofa and I just let him get it all out. When he was done, i asked him "Do you feel better now"

I feel my only support to someone that is laid bare is to let them get it all out and when they are finish and feeling better then I will offer my words of support, faith and wisdom.

If I broke down in front of someone I would'nt want them to say anything to me. All I need is space and time to get over it.

R1g0rm0rt1s - I have a Pisces moon, so I'm a mushy pussycat who is a sucker for a crying person (that I actually like/care about.) My Scorpio best friend and I never ever hug or touch. Sometimes I wish I could but it always seems kinda strange and awkward, and most importantly, unnecessary.
IntriguedScorpio - I love YOUR humanity! *hugs*