Marriage - the female view

Marriage freaks me out. I'm a guy, so no surprise.

The ladies here have a different view, at least some of them. Since half of the marriages flame out, and a strong majority of the remainder are miserable, why are women so obsessed about getting hookedup?

Is it about kids? Is it some hope that yours will be that rare exception? Is it some evolutionary instinct?

"Marriage freaks me out."

It used to be really freaked out about marriage myself. I'm not as freaked out as I used to be though, but what really scares the shit outta me is having children.

yeah, you know... i'm really into a meaningful long-term relationship with the right woman.

i sometimes wonder whether marriage actually ruins that concept - the idea that you're going to be with someone for better or worse. i mean, if someone became worse, why would you want to be with them? and if you became worse, why would the other person want to be with you?

i think marriage sends a false signal to the participants that you've nabbed the other person, and you can let it all hang loose. And that's where things start to fall apart...

i was thinking that i might have someday married my recent ex-girlfriend, but in retrospect, i probably felt that way since we put in some time together. on the one hand, i think you get what you give. if you really put in the hard work, then it could potentially make your relationship more rock solid.

on the other hand, some relationships just don't work. any attempt to make it work seems distorted and unnatural. and there are some people who simply grow apart despite some good times together.

i'm not sure what i think, to be honest.

If you really think about it, we are all married to something. There is either someone or something to which you dedicate your life. For some it is their career, for others it might be religion, or perhaps the acquisition of drugs/alcohol. My first choice would be a person with whom I could share the common goal and commitment to plant fruitful seeds and watch them grow together.

awww! i like that view.

scorpion_rising, why do you feel like women's and men's attitudes toward marriage are ssssooooo different? did you just watch 27 dresses or somethin'?

thanks, poo 🙂

i wouldn't call it "marriage - the female view" 😛
but i feel pretty ambivalent toward marriage. but i think that i would like to get married one day. to me, it's a symbol. it's saying, "listen, i've seen and smelt you at your worst and i'm still willing to put up with yer ass for a really long time." hahahah. so romantic.
in all seriousness, i only plan to marry someone if i'm sure that i'm ready to commit to them for the rest of my life. because getting married, to me, is a big ole symbol of just how serious and willing i am to work through the hard times.
this is giving me memories of when i talked about this with an ex-bf. not, like, i think we should get married, but just talking about how we felt about it in general. he was like, "damn, if we ever get married, i'm gonna take that as the best compliment i've ever gotten." lol.
a lot of people joke around about how marriage extinguishes that "flame" but there's something very sexy about marriage to me. probably because i am insanely attracted to the qualities of being grounded and consistent. lmao.

"Actions make the person, not lies and dillusions they feed themselves."

i thought the person made the actions? 😢

""Finally so very well said SS ... ""

Thanks 🙂


""people make life time commitments every day and show dedication to it, for some reason when it comes to relationships people loose all knowledge of the word commitment.""

Exactly! Which now makes me wonder why...

""I am not saying that monogomy isn't possible- just not easy and probably not worth it. So, why struggle with it at all?""

- But isn't it true that the things you work the hardest for are the most cherished.


""Love as many as you want and be loved by as many. That is beautiful. ""

- Yes, it is. I'm all for spreading the love. But, there are different kinds of love and different ways to love, and some types are best when reserved for special individuals.


""If I could, I would start serious, romantic relationships with every one of you! You are all so beautiful. ""

That is potentially detrimental when and if children come into play.

"I can only speak for myself, but I do believe Im "well-equipped" to be in a monogamous relationship, I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends. I still believe in the thought of being with only 1 person for the rest of my life, with all the advantages that it brings (which IMO overshadow the disadvantages) as naive as it may sound."

that's one naivity that i hope you won't outgrow. 🙂

"A lot of people are "down" with a lot of things. Its when these agreements become reality, that is when problems start. We never know how we will do in a situation until we are actually in it."

mm-mmmmm. so true, so true.

I am not taking the piss scorpioheart, i respect everybody's beliefs and actually find this concept quite interesting.

However, taken from the website:

"Imagine that twelve different teachers each offer a month long series of programs one after the other. For example, one month we have... Matthew Fox".

Ugh, that's enough to put me off. MATTHEW FOX... there is just something not so right about him! I think it's his whiney little voice.

😕

Anyway, the other thing that comes to mind... isn't it easy to participate in this polyamerous stuff when you are already partnered up? Because, at least you have a fall back. I think if people truely believed in this, they would commit 100% and that would mean, not having a partner. If there is enough love to go around, surely they would feel secure enough to have faith in the process and surrender to it?

Oh yeah. It's like, poly-monogamous people freak me out. It's like they're afraid to be alone and keep using the 'monogamous' relationship as a public excuse not to be.

Multiple daters annoy me too. Why not just focus your attention on one person and if it doesn't work out, then move on.

MsPisces: "Wow. The closed mindedness is ubelievable."

Are you referring to me? If so, i believe your attitude to my opinion 'closed minded'. I am very open-minded... infact, i am quite open to scorpioheart's idea about polyamerous love. However, i believe that people should take a rest in between relationships. And as for the multiple daters, i guess i'm just old fashioned... i like to focus all my energy on to one person.


PFE: I am referring to serial monogamists who go from one relationship to another, without a break inbetween. I know plenty of people like this, it's like they break up with someone then they are with someone else within a week. It's unhealthy in my opinion. Sorry if that came across as 'weird'. It is hard to know whos post a person is referring to sometimes.

Ms Pisces, i see 🙂. I'm gathering you are referring to people rebutting scorpioheart's viewpoint? I agree. I sort-of see the view (it's too complicated, i need more time).

And i would never call anyone a name if i didn't share their view 😕

Well, serial monogamy is a dirty word when you know the people i do. It's about rebound after rebound with them.

But, anyway. Whatever. As long as they keep their unresolved issues to themselves!

Lol.

Well, i guess by those terms, i have been a serial monogamist for the most part. I couldn't think of anything worse than only being with one person, but that is my view. I like a break in between though. I'm thinking, a couple of fruit-loops in the bowl, but with plenty of milk.

Marriage is a piece of paper. That's it. I think some women and men see it as a way of "cementing" a commitment, ie: this person will be less likely to cheat on me or leave me if we're married. Obviously, the divorce rate says otherwise. 😉

I think some women just want the wedding day. I find weddings to be extravagant, egotistical wastes of time and money, but that's just me.

I feel it's unnecessary, but if my partner felt he needed/wanted to marry me, and it would make him happy, I would do it -- on the condition that we elope.

What? Hahaha, no Marriage is not the problem here, it's the individuals involved.

I'm sorry but I just have to disagree with those who believe marriage is either pointless or in someway poisonous to their lives. Marriage is just like any other responsibilty. Hahaha, if you cannnot handle being married, then you cannot handle being an adult.

The reason the divorce rate is sooooo high is because most adults have the mentality of a 16 year. For examples, look at the news and pay attention to the people you are around on a daily basis. Their maturity level is appalling -- haha, and yet society is filled with people like this.

No, marriage should not be the blame for immature people. Marriage is fine, it's the people that get senselessly involved with each other that make the divorce rate increase.

Haha, it blows my mind that people make a simple responsibly like marriage the center of all the present and future problems.

I'm not criticizing marriage, I'm just saying that not everyone needs it to maintain a committed, loving partnership.

i respect people who get married in small, unpretentious ceremonies because it seems that the love is more genuine than with those who get caught up in the oneupmanship of wedding planning on a ridiculous scale.

Now that's something we can agree with Mata 😉 The pretentious mess that is a wedding ceremony is doomed right from the start. There's so much pomp and circumstance, the true meaning of what's going on is lost.

If (whatever that day comes) I get married, I want to go to Vegas baby 😄 SERIOUSLY, I want to wear one of the short white dresses that look like something out of Victoria's Secret and I want my Groom to be Commando LOL!!!!

Or, I would like to get married on a beach with a family and a few close friends, that would be nice too 🙂

I'm not criticizing marriage, I'm just saying that not everyone needs it to maintain a committed, loving partnership.

That's cool ... but why not get married? It doesn't have to be in the traditional sense so .....

Making someone live up to expectations never works as people are always growing and evolving...

Bingo Anotherscorp! No one stays the same and to expect that the person you are with will be the same way 10 or 20 years later is very silly.

This is why I thinl people should get into serious relationships later in life because there is more room for trial and error.

Now, don't get me wrong. I strongly agree with divorce if there's need, but at the same time I think people divorce each other over issues that were "lingering" in the mist before marriage, they just chose to ignore them (for whatever reason). It's really cause and effect. Like I said, it's not Marriage, it's the people who don't have their stuff together who are the problem.

well i don't know about other women but i was married before when i was 20 and i always thought that i wanted to get married again but i recently decided that i don't. I don't think that i'll ever find what i'm looking for. men, who needs em...

men, who needs em...

Well I most certainly do! LOL

Yup latinaindia, just use them. I get bored quick..

"That's cool ... but why not get married? It doesn't have to be in the traditional sense so"

HA! Well, I helped plan TWO weddings last year so let's start with the expense, the family drama and the stress. Even if you don't have a large wedding, be prepared to shell out some SERIOUS cash. Anything wedding-related is a HUGE scam and customer service is absolutely NON-EXISTANT.

As far as I'm concerned, my relationship with a partner is between us, and I don't feel the need to involve anyone else, or make any public declarations, or force people to buy me gifts. I'm also not christian, so there's no need for some religious padre to give his "blessing."

Like I said, I just think it's a whole lot of "unnecessary" drama and money. Not for me.

It freaks me out too.
I just dont have faith in the human nature at all.
*shrug*

i agree..it just seems like after sometime people get bored and want to try new things...so i've decided to save the money and time and just skip the marriage thing...

"The ladies here have a different view, at least some of them. Since half of the marriages flame out, and a strong majority of the remainder are miserable, why are women so obsessed about getting hookedup?"



SR, I believe people are suppose to be with many others in their lifetime. Most people believe that there is just suppose to be The One, and because of this "forever" mind-set, the union has no option except to fizzle out .... because our souls are meant to experience life with many others to love.

Marriage really isn't necessary .. it's an snare to trap men.

Children just need fathers ... being a husband isn't a part of a daddy's job.

I agree with P....we all change and evolve and we can't help where our hearts take us...

"but i believe the ultimate love comes with responsiblity and accountability."

But aren't these part of any relationship, whether you're married or not, Sagi? If you've committed yourselves to each other, you've made the same promise that would be made at a ceremony. At the end of a relationship, there's still pain even if you weren't married. If you lived together, you still have to divide up all the stuff, etc.

"it doesn't even make sense to get married from a financial point of view because if you have shared financial interests, like a home, it will still be legally divided if a separation occurs"

Yeah, married or not, I couldn't do the joint finances thing. No dude is getting his grubby paws on my hard-earned dough to spend on video games or college basketball "pools" at work. 😛

"there is a "forced" accountability with marriage. of course if i'm perfect, i wouldn't need something as restricted as marriage to make me work extra hard to make a partnership work. but unfortunately i'm far from prefect."

It's apparently not restrictive enough, or there wouldn't be so many divorces. The act of marrying someone apparently doesn't make relationships last any longer than if you don't. Sure, some may stay out of duty, or because of the kids, etc. but if someone is miserable, what kind of way is that to live your life? What a waste!

mspisces! we believe you already! 😛

I've never ever heard anyone who's actually been married, refer to it as "just a piece of paper", and I make it a point to ask.

Marriage is psychological.

"Marriage is psychological."

that's kinda what i was trying to convey in my reasoning behind wanting to get married with the symbolism stuff. to me it would really be an action, not to "solidify the relationship" per se, but to get that sense of commitment and to let the other know that i'm in it for the long haul.

true - marriage isn't necessary to show your commitment and it definitely doesn't mean that both individuals are committed, but i really think that marriage brings a mindset with it, for better or for worse. (i think better...hehe.)

""to me it would really be an action, not to "solidify the relationship" per se, but to get that sense of commitment and to let the other know that i'm in it for the long haul.""


same here, poo. it is a beautiful statement indeed.

"all I'm seeing here is "me". How marriage makes "me" feel. How the idea makes "me" feel. That is the reason for most divorces, because people are selfish."

if you are by any chance referring to what notso and i wrote, then i think you may have interpreted it incorrectly. if you were not referring to that, then please disregard this message. hehe.

ok - sorry branh.

emgem - agreed. and i think that is the main reason for the high divorce rate, not that the idea marriage itself is unrealistic.

I am just intrigued how level headed the Capricorn women and select Scorp women are in this thread.

HI B!!!!!!!!

YEAH!!! Capricorn women are the most level-headed of the zodiac LOL, maybe that's why we have so many problems with relationship. We can see blow the surface 😉

*cappy's ego grows*

I don't have a problem with commitment at all, Bran. I have only been stating my personal preference here. As to whether or not marriage helps people stay together, the statistics speak for themselves. Especially when you consider many people may be staying only so the wife doesn't get the house or the kids.

And no, this is no way to live your life. You only get one go-round. If it's not working get out...and don't do it again.

""As to whether or not marriage helps people stay together, the statistics speak for themselves.""


I think statistics reveal more about cultural and generational differences than it does about the institution itself.

"I think statistics reveal more about cultural and generational differences than it does about the institution itself."

Well, then for this generation and American culture, it's not working!

I think this culture and generation has the problem, along with being poorly schooled on the topic of committment. This generation didn't have the best examples for the previous generation either.

You also have to consider that marrying for love is a relatively new idea. Previously it was a contract arranged between families for land or money, and divorces were very difficult to get.

WTX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!——————————

just received a reunion email notice from mr.virgo after i finally moved on from my 1 year long saga ended last June.

now he moved back to the area and wanted me to go to his group reunion— WTX!!!

i'm going to ignore the email.

what a bruetal torture. i'm just not that enlighen to be his friend.

WHAT—— Oh dear ... Sagigoat, what are you going to do if he doesn't leave you alone —