DoThatSaggie
@DoThatSaggie
13 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 40 · Topics: 4
Passive Aggressive Man
your going to be fighting that battle for eva 🙂
its like him trying to change your mode of communication or something thats innate in your nature. just gotta deal or get out the kitchen 🙂
Every PA man should get taken outside to be shot.
To answer your question tho, both my ex scorps were so is my dad and brother ( hence probably why i was attracted ) but honestly there is nothing you can do about people that have this behavior. You'll get so frustrated you'll give up.
even with therapy, it's like they probably won't be that real with the therapist because of their obsession with preserve autonomy. I mean everyone is different I guess but from what I've seen not really. lol
even with therapy, it's like they probably won't be that real with the therapist because of their obsession with preserve autonomy. I mean everyone is different I guess but from what I've seen not really. lol
Posted by Samiamascorpio
I dated a fellow Scorpio only once and briefly and it was so intense it was too much. With him it was my way or no way at all, I could not reason with him so I walked away.
However, not to say yours is that level of maddening...
Just be honest, if he's being passive aggressive call him on it.
I myself have always appreciated the cold blunt truth even if it hurts.
He might not be aware of what he's doing, but more than likely he is. You will have to be the mature person and calmly point out his bs right when it happens...and just in case I'd wear a bullet proof vest :p (just kidding)
Yeah I don't think I do this as much anymore to avoid a fight and my time being scarce i think it has contributed to him carrying on more in it. As I mentioned, he did stop this before but over time I didn't reinforce the need to communicate and he has built up this wall of passive aggressiveness, although he vocally express how immature he thinks it is for other to do. I don't think he aware of himself, so I will tell him probably when we both calm. Since he a walking paradox, he goes into not wanting to be in a relationship when mad but when calm expressing how much he doesn't want to give up his relationship.
Posted by ellessque
if passive aggressiveness is in his nature, wouldn't it make more sense to find the root cause to the passive aggressiveness and what triggers it, and work on that, instead of trying to "fix" it?
if i'm provoked, i can be passive aggressive as long as the day is long. that's not going to change. it's not like we say "okay, self, turn on the passive aggressive switch now" like a power ranger 😛
if you piss me off and i can no longer explain to you why your behaviour is pissing me off because it's like talking to a brick wall...I'll become passive aggressive
if you make me uncomfortable and you are not approachable....I'll become passive aggressive
if you say something offensive and I don't know how to confront you...I'll become passive aggressive
if i've reminded you a MILLION times to do something and it still isn't done and I could have done it MYSELF but you INSISTED....I'll become passive aggressive
basically, anytime you piss me off and I want to avoid confrontation.....I'll be a passive aggressive snot. 😄
Yes, this is ideal but if I'm not yelling or confronting and coming from a good place of love and he does this, that is not ideal. That is all in his head. It's fear. Resentment like a teenager has when they know the parent is right but they choose to rebel anyhow, to exert independence or control. Child like. When one partner tries a lot to look at themselves and changes but the other isn't making the same efforts for a healthy communicative relationship, it's difficult. What ways would be good in handling you to even discuss the fear, Elle?
People can learn to change their perspective if they want to. Nope, it's not easy. I'm a fixed sign as well and have been known to be stubborn. However, even I can be yielding because I make a conscious decision to do so. One can learn to not be passive-aggressive. All it takes is practice. Sometimes it takes me years to fully incorporate a new way of living but I know it can be done and in the end I feel better for it. I still have my moments of condescension but it's mostly reserved during times of hormonal fluctuations. Those who defend these behaviors are not holding themselves accountable to themselves. The excuses are a sign of the refusal to put in the work because it's "too hard".
Posted by ninjamu
People can learn to change their perspective if they want to. Nope, it's not easy. I'm a fixed sign as well and have been known to be stubborn. However, even I can be yielding because I make a conscious decision to do so. One can learn to not be passive-aggressive. All it takes is practice. Sometimes it takes me years to fully incorporate a new way of living but I know it can be done and in the end I feel better for it. I still have my moments of condescension but it's mostly reserved during times of hormonal fluctuations. Those who defend these behaviors are not holding themselves accountable to themselves. The excuses are a sign of the refusal to put in the work because it's "too hard".
I agree. I have a fixed moon and changing my mind is never easy but I do know as a person, growth is required therefore no point in holding on to traits that do me no good. I will at least look consider, when I'm not mad at least. The basis of my question is the fact HE HAS practiced communication for the relationship. It worked, he agreed but there has been a LOSS of communication over time and a return of passive aggressive behavior he once had before. So, yes he can do it at his own discretion. What I am trying to get tips on is how to get back to that place, I believe it is loss because of life and career consuming us both and not placing communication #1 as we use to. Now that I have noticed, it's gone on for a great deal of time. Not to say he isn't making great efforts in many others ways.
Posted by ellessque
you are very thick headed 🙂 I mean that in a nice way.
do you even care why he does it or are you more concerned with him stopping?
what would you do if your child wet the bed every night? simply tell him to stop? there has to be a REASON why he's doing it. something is triggering it. whether it be you directly....something at work....his family....SOMETHING is creating this behaviour in him.
That makes a lot of sense.
Posted by ellessque
you are very thick headed 🙂 I mean that in a nice way.
do you even care why he does it or are you more concerned with him stopping?
what would you do if your child wet the bed every night? simply tell him to stop? there has to be a REASON why he's doing it. something is triggering it. whether it be you directly....something at work....his family....SOMETHING is creating this behaviour in him.
Yes and you don't seem to comprehend very well yourself, fixed in your own ideas by dismissing the facts of my situation. Of course, I would like to know why he carries such a behavior but in order to do this, I would need a technique to discuss it in a mature manner. A starting point. This simple idea, is not so simple when dealing with a person prone to defense. So i can ask again. Considering you seem to know best of how to handle this, what tips would you suggest in having the conversation on the topic. Keep in mind, he gets defensive in non defensive conversations so it is not ideal to ask what or where this is coming from. It must be another route. The reason being is to eliminate a hostile conversation and not get an open calm discussion.
Anyone, who has serious tips to go about discussing the issue with a passive aggressor based on the facts I've stated, feel free to share. Thanks
Excuse me, and "get an open calm conversation"*
Posted by MebsPosted by ellessque
you are very thick headed 🙂 I mean that in a nice way.
do you even care why he does it or are you more concerned with him stopping?
what would you do if your child wet the bed every night? simply tell him to stop? there has to be a REASON why he's doing it. something is triggering it. whether it be you directly....something at work....his family....SOMETHING is creating this behaviour in him.
That makes a lot of sense.click to expand
+1. elle you are making too much sense today
Posted by DoThatSaggiePosted by ellessque
you are very thick headed 🙂 I mean that in a nice way.
do you even care why he does it or are you more concerned with him stopping?
what would you do if your child wet the bed every night? simply tell him to stop? there has to be a REASON why he's doing it. something is triggering it. whether it be you directly....something at work....his family....SOMETHING is creating this behaviour in him.
Yes and you don't seem to comprehend very well yourself, fixed in your own ideas by dismissing the facts of my situation. Of course, I would like to know why he carries such a behavior but in order to do this, I would need a technique to discuss it in a mature manner. A starting point. This simple idea, is not so simple when dealing with a person prone to defense. So i can ask again. Considering you seem to know best of how to handle this, what tips would you suggest in having the conversation on the topic. Keep in mind, he gets defensive in non defensive conversations so it is not ideal to ask what or where this is coming from. It must be another route. The reason being is to eliminate a hostile conversation and not get an open calm discussion.
Anyone, who has serious tips to go about discussing the issue with a passive aggressor based on the facts I've stated, feel free to share. Thanksclick to expand
its a defense mechanism. he is defending himself from something your doing.
Posted by everevolvingepithet
Just explain yourself or whatever you've done and let him listen, none of this passive aggressive malarky. Srs, it's an ancient method of communication/resolution and it works. I think the Victorians were the ones that first brought it to the masses but don't quote me on that one lol.
Please elaborate.
Posted by DMVPosted by DoThatSaggiePosted by ellessque
you are very thick headed 🙂 I mean that in a nice way.
do you even care why he does it or are you more concerned with him stopping?
what would you do if your child wet the bed every night? simply tell him to stop? there has to be a REASON why he's doing it. something is triggering it. whether it be you directly....something at work....his family....SOMETHING is creating this behaviour in him.
Yes and you don't seem to comprehend very well yourself, fixed in your own ideas by dismissing the facts of my situation. Of course, I would like to know why he carries such a behavior but in order to do this, I would need a technique to discuss it in a mature manner. A starting point. This simple idea, is not so simple when dealing with a person prone to defense. So i can ask again. Considering you seem to know best of how to handle this, what tips would you suggest in having the conversation on the topic. Keep in mind, he gets defensive in non defensive conversations so it is not ideal to ask what or where this is coming from. It must be another route. The reason being is to eliminate a hostile conversation and not get an open calm discussion.
Anyone, who has serious tips to go about discussing the issue with a passive aggressor based on the facts I've stated, feel free to share. Thanks
its a defense mechanism. he is defending himself from something your doing.click to expand
I'm sure he is defending himself for whichever reason I'm unaware of as we'll but what are tips to have the discussion when he goes into defense to determine the cause. A starting point?
the point is NOT to wait for him to go into passive aggressiveness. be proactive!! 🙂 🙂 head him off 🙂
take a step back and go over your actions and what you think is, as Elle said, triggering him.
stop the trigger, stop the passive aggressiveness, no need to learn rebuttal/negotiation/conversation tactics.
the first sentence out of your mouth should be to him "what can i do better?" hahaha, thats a loaded question be ready 🙂
my fear is that you'll end of repeating your mistakes, he will up the ante on his passive aggressiveness and the cycle continues.
take a step back and go over your actions and what you think is, as Elle said, triggering him.
stop the trigger, stop the passive aggressiveness, no need to learn rebuttal/negotiation/conversation tactics.
the first sentence out of your mouth should be to him "what can i do better?" hahaha, thats a loaded question be ready 🙂
my fear is that you'll end of repeating your mistakes, he will up the ante on his passive aggressiveness and the cycle continues.
Posted by Sunrays
"the point is NOT to wait for him to go into passive aggressiveness. be proactive!!"
LOL DMV that is a tall order! I cannot say that i have not tried that, but even after all these years i cannot predict his reactions at all times. I restrict myself soo much because of that.
But i agree, regaridng any touchy topic, it is better to go in millimeters rather than taking large inches off the path just because you can. lol
🙂
i know why my scorp goes passive agressive. cause im a bitch, i smile and laugh with his friends and not him. those giggles are HIS giggles dammit. i dont spend every waking hour stroking his ego which leaves him feeling insecure. so i throw him a bone every now and then. i go the extra mile when i have to.
its quite easy to manipulate him into staying in a good mood. just have to be genuine about it. imo, if you really like him, youll make the adjustment.
Posted by Sunrays
I have a scorp husband. I know what you are talking about ;P
Talking does not help with my husband. Talking only means you are trying to make him understand your POV ... so somehow glossing over his feelings in the name of rational talk! just my experience ;P
PA is a good things LOL. At least he is showing you that there is a problem even if it is not helpful. Let him work it out of his system being that way.
Start with accepting him. That means not reacting badly to what he does to irritate you.
Let him finish what he wants to do to irritate you and then approach the situation again! persistence 🙂
You might have an idea (at times) as to what could be the bothersome point. Change something regarding that so that he can be comfortable or feel like he is understood or he has the upper hand. After all he is your partner and his wellbeing should be important to you even if he irritates you ;P
Eventually he will get bolder and start pointing you to what you need to change (almost a demand and accusing you of playing with him LOL) That's ok, look at it as progress. He is now telling you at least what the problem is.
Give take and love .... and hope for the best 🙂
I would love to hear if anything else works!
Ah yes, someone who understands. You make good points!
Posted by DMVPosted by Sunrays
"the point is NOT to wait for him to go into passive aggressiveness. be proactive!!"
LOL DMV that is a tall order! I cannot say that i have not tried that, but even after all these years i cannot predict his reactions at all times. I restrict myself soo much because of that.
But i agree, regaridng any touchy topic, it is better to go in millimeters rather than taking large inches off the path just because you can. lol
🙂
i know why my scorp goes passive agressive. cause im a bitch, i smile and laugh with his friends and not him. those giggles are HIS giggles dammit. i dont spend every waking hour stroking his ego which leaves him feeling insecure. so i throw him a bone every now and then. i go the extra mile when i have to.
its quite easy to manipulate him into staying in a good mood. just have to be genuine about it. imo, if you really like him, youll make the adjustment.click to expand
What do you do when he is the cookie initiator first? Obviously, I'm the logical one and I compromise more but there are those limits I'm surely not having it, so there, i can't promise to always be PROACTIVE. Not every time. He compromises a lot, I admit. He doesn't want me acting up too much. But the starting point of the discussion is tricky.
Posted by Sunrays
It is so interesting to see how different people tackle the same situations 🙂
Always go with your strength.
_??_
Posted by Sunrays
"What do you do when he is the cookie initiator first? Obviously, I'm the logical one and I compromise more but there are those limits I'm surely not having it, so there, i can't promise to always be PROACTIVE. Not every time. He compromises a lot, I admit. He doesn't want me acting up too much. But the starting point of the discussion is tricky."
You call yourself the logical one and are frustrated that NO logic of yours seems to work in this case. In asking the above question you are trying to see if anyone can give you a logic that you have not thought of yet. Is that correct?
Maybe logic is not the answer! Try someting else that you can wrap your mind and heart around.
I'm referring that I use more intellect on it than that of his emotion. I used logic in the beginning it worked, I just didn't continue because I assumed he got it well enough but overtime I didn't keep up with it, so now there is a cycle of defense on the topic, so yes I'm looking for ways from this point but frustrated, I'm not. I love him we been together more than 5 years, I'm open to new angles although technically this would be the first attempt.
What do you do when he is the cookie initiator first? Obviously, I'm the logical one and I compromise more but there are those limits I'm surely not having it, so there, i can't promise to always be PROACTIVE. Not every time. He compromises a lot, I admit. He doesn't want me acting up too much. But the starting point of the discussion is tricky.
well for starters, i wouldnt even have the conversation with him. i stay incognito with my thoughts and i let him keep his anonymity. i just act, i do not call him out. i dont go to him looking for answers, i asses the situation and i act; may take me a few months, but i will get there.
i dont tell him how mysterious he is, how passive aggressive he is, how scorpio is his. i dont even acknowledge that he is one at least not to his face. how distant he is, the silent treatment he gives me. i just act. talking to him is like talking to a sarcastic little girl who is so aggravated with me that shes actually doing me a favor and shutting me out. all he does is spew out nonsense anyway. i dont speak jibber jabber.
well for starters, i wouldnt even have the conversation with him. i stay incognito with my thoughts and i let him keep his anonymity. i just act, i do not call him out. i dont go to him looking for answers, i asses the situation and i act; may take me a few months, but i will get there.
i dont tell him how mysterious he is, how passive aggressive he is, how scorpio is his. i dont even acknowledge that he is one at least not to his face. how distant he is, the silent treatment he gives me. i just act. talking to him is like talking to a sarcastic little girl who is so aggravated with me that shes actually doing me a favor and shutting me out. all he does is spew out nonsense anyway. i dont speak jibber jabber.
one of the problems with other signs and scorpios, your looking to be logical and they are arent logical. they are emotional. they need to feel you and you need to feel them.
just feel the undercurrent.
just feel the undercurrent.
Posted by DMV
What do you do when he is the cookie initiator first? Obviously, I'm the logical one and I compromise more but there are those limits I'm surely not having it, so there, i can't promise to always be PROACTIVE. Not every time. He compromises a lot, I admit. He doesn't want me acting up too much. But the starting point of the discussion is tricky.
well for starters, i wouldnt even have the conversation with him. i stay incognito with my thoughts and i let him keep his anonymity. i just act, i do not call him out. i dont go to him looking for answers, i asses the situation and i act; may take me a few months, but i will get there.
i dont tell him how mysterious he is, how passive aggressive he is, how scorpio is his. i dont even acknowledge that he is one at least not to his face. how distant he is, the silent treatment he gives me. i just act. talking to him is like talking to a sarcastic little girl who is so aggravated with me that shes actually doing me a favor and shutting me out. all he does is spew out nonsense anyway. i dont speak jibber jabber.
Ah yes, a sarcastic little girl. This sounds familiar.
Posted by ellessquePosted by DoThatSaggiePosted by Sunrays
"What do you do when he is the cookie initiator first? Obviously, I'm the logical one and I compromise more but there are those limits I'm surely not having it, so there, i can't promise to always be PROACTIVE. Not every time. He compromises a lot, I admit. He doesn't want me acting up too much. But the starting point of the discussion is tricky."
You call yourself the logical one and are frustrated that NO logic of yours seems to work in this case. In asking the above question you are trying to see if anyone can give you a logic that you have not thought of yet. Is that correct?
Maybe logic is not the answer! Try someting else that you can wrap your mind and heart around.
I'm referring that I use more intellect on it than that of his emotion. I used logic in the beginning it worked, I just didn't continue because I assumed he got it well enough but overtime I didn't keep up with it, so now there is a cycle of defense on the topic, so yes I'm looking for ways from this point but frustrated, I'm not. I love him we been together more than 5 years, I'm open to new angles although technically this would be the first attempt.
you think he's stupid.
do you also think he hasn't caught on to that?click to expand
Caught on to what? I'm blunt. There was nothing to catch on to. I told him of course.
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