Don't let me be misunderstood...

After lurking for some time I've decided to throw one more 'what to do with my virguy, now' post.

so we've been dating for about 5 months going on 6 months which is a pretty long time for me to not know where we are going or if he even thinks of us as possibly having a future together. We get along wonderfully and when he isn't on location somewhere we spend quality time together. I'm a talker and when we first met there was something so arresting about him that I would literally break out into cold sweats(I'm exaggerating but I did become noticeably overheated). Him being a virgo would of course notice this. So one day(after spending a wonderful weekend together where he talked candidly about his work, childhood, ex, and us) he just stops texting, emailing, no calls, etc...I understood being a gemini I've been known to retreat for days at a time until I've worked it out from every angle. After about a week with little to no contact. I figured karma had decided to come for a visit and that he had just disappeared. well he returned and in a big way- i was just too suspicious at this time and asked him what his truth was and he replied with an outpouring of sorts: "the truth is I really like you. i adore you. I enjoy every moment of being with you. But as you pointed out some times there needs to be a separation. I just started to analyze the hints and clues and wasn't sure where my head was at..." The clue: me checking out a guy while we were out shopping. and that this vaguely reminded him of signs he should have seen in his past. this was in march- we've since grown closer. I went away on holiday end may when i came back he was miffed that i wasn't available at the exact moment he felt I should have been so all the progress we'd made seem to ravel right before my eyes with this one misstep. Granted we both agreed it was a miscommunication, but I feel he is still holding this against me or us moving forward. He did bounce back from this rather quickly as we spent the next few days celebrating my birthday.

So...I need your opinion should i continue to be patient or can I say this to him without sending him running for the hills:

here is what i want to say....
At this point I think we've learned enough about each other to know the risks

of being exclusive are the right choice or NOT. I??ve been interested and amused

by you thus far. Interested b/c it keeps me from getting too silly or sloppy with

my personal social goals. And amused which keeps me from getting too pessimistic,

cold or over serious too soon??_ I'm quite proud that I??ve trusted myself to

take the time these past 5 or 6 months to learn more about you and subsequently

myself without the usual comfort of titles. At this time, it seems only natural

that we decide if we go forward or go our separate ways.

Will this make him retreat?

could go either way. In my situation Mr Virgo gave me the "Im not ready for a relationship but I have deep feelings for you"...that was after 4 months, then again at 6 months.

Personally I wouldnt have "the talk" - it only makes them run. Distance seems to work though LOL

What's wrong with just enjoying time shared, without having to stress about time not shared?

ARe you saying that if being with him isn't a serious commitment, that must be etched in stone, then you don't want to be with him anylonger?


I think you should have that talk with him, because he likely will run ... better he realizes now that your feelings to want him are only in place under certain conditions.

Posted by jadejourney


........

Will this make him retreat?

Will this make me retreat?
Y e s


...or run away

he will run so fast...a few bumps along the way is not uncommon. Yet if you feel there is something missing and he's not someone you want to spend anymore time on then of course use the option to distance yourself. 5/6 months is way too early to be having the talk.

tiki33, applemint_fv- thank you for your comments. And I completely agree.

Chatz- I've followed your story for some time now so your response means a lot. I've certainly had a change of heart and decided to not approach him from a spirit of control but from that of honesty(which for me was a bit frightening as I felt completely vulnerable).

P-Angel- I was looking forward to your input, especially(you're pretty tough). I have since taken a step back and am realizing and learning that I have the ability to both woo and be present in my current situation. the hard part is figuring out what we(women) want, aside from our desires to be monogamous. I am admittedly a sucker for the over share at times.

As I've said before I truly enjoy his company and desire to continue to get to know him. We've since had a very heartfelt conversation about feelings(mostly me expressing how I feel about him and how I realized that he like myself may have been waiting for reassurance but I was afraid to share as I worried about his response and likely withdrawal). I am content and am resting in the knowledge that we are on to something very special.

Oh and I relieved to say that through my openness I received just the opposite of what i imagined- he in return is more open and responsive.

thanks again...

Suppose I spoke too soon. Admittedly I was bit annoyed that my virguy choose to spend another weekend away and not come to visit me. But he is quite frugal so I let it pass. so we are having a casual conversation talking about our respective July 4th plans and I forget what preceded the comment- 'single works for me and my life now'. Needless to say this took some digesting since we've been pretty open and forthcoming about how we were feeling about each other. Well I guess he had been doing some thinking and said this jokingly, but he's a virgo and I'm certain he meant it. Though I tried to be my normal cordial self I suddenly felt cold and rejected. He text and called me a few times after this but I was just thoroughly confused until now...

I've re-read many of the post here and what struck me in relation to my current situation was a post by by hikoro about the way people make erroneous expectations or perceptions based on a person's age. In my case having just turned 30- I was literally living with fear and thus my expectation for this particular guy was unusually high even for me. He'll be 37 in a few months and I might have concluded that he was too ready to settle down. I knew he was hurt by his last two relationships but felt that being truthful with him in every way that I could show him that an alliance so to speak with every woman didn't necessarily have end badly. Maybe he sensed that I wasn't a good match but still wants to have a connection to me. But then I began to think that maybe the 'not knowing' is not about me at all, but rather him and his personal boundaries or walls. When I think back on things I feel he may have been trying to tell me this a few months ago but decided to give it another try.

...continued

You'd think that by now I'd be little more discerning in matters of the heart but alas in the words of Keys/John Mayer ':
Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now


I spoke to a friend of mine who dated a virgo for 10 years and she doesn't feel this is the end of this story, but I don't think I can put any more energy into this.

I only hope to fully grasp the full lesson of this short-lived union.

Posted by jadejourney
'single works for me and my life now'

dear. this man is not ready for a commitment/r'ship. Period.
don't waste ur time on him. he is still in touch with u because he likes u. but u should do whats best for you now.. how much longer can u wait? u know what u want and if walking away is the best thing to do...do it and do not look back.

in the past when i wasn't ready for a commitment and they wanted more, i cut contact with the guys because i wanted to be fair to them & didn't want to give hope. it's all or nothing with me.

I believe the problem with your statement is the finality of it.
Giving ultimatums is never a good idea with a Virgo.

Just tell him how you feel and what you would like, with no pressure.

thanks for comments, applemint_fv- I was trying to do things a little different this time around by taking off my running shoes. If this is truly how he feels then things will dissolve naturally.

Thanks for your response Canjunspirit- I actually did express how I felt and for a bit things were quite pleasant. I decided against the ultimatum as I would be very reluctant to enter a relationship of any nature under such circumstances. It was the comment which he probably figures I've taken out of context about 'single life working for him now'- that made me back away. I sent him a quick text about it. He's called me several times but only early morning when I'm usually in meetings or on my to work or extremely late.

so at this time I think he feels I'm ignoring him. My head says to just let him come to me if he so chooses. My heart says be open you never know. My ego says- prove him he isn't right about you(women in general) in that we really don't want what it is we say that we do. argghhh!

Posted by jadejourney
thanks for comments, applemint_fv- I was trying to do things a little different this time around by taking off my running shoes. If this is truly how he feels then things will dissolve naturally.

Thanks for your response Canjunspirit- I actually did express how I felt and for a bit things were quite pleasant. I decided against the ultimatum as I would be very reluctant to enter a relationship of any nature under such circumstances. It was the comment which he probably figures I've taken out of context about 'single life working for him now'- that made me back away. I sent him a quick text about it. He's called me several times but only early morning when I'm usually in meetings or on my to work or extremely late.

so at this time I think he feels I'm ignoring him. My head says to just let him come to me if he so chooses. My heart says be open you never know. My ego says- prove him he isn't right about you(women in general) in that we really don't want what it is we say that we do. argghhh!

the good all jedi mind trick lol it's all part of the plan lol but he is right it's the biggest truth women don't want to admit to them self.

Jedi mind trick?.....please explain. That sounds interesting lol

Posted by virgoking

Posted by jadejourney
thanks for comments, applemint_fv- I was trying to do things a little different this time around by taking off my running shoes. If this is truly how he feels then things will dissolve naturally. Thanks for your response Canjunspirit- I actually did express how I felt and for a bit things were quite pleasant. I decided against the ultimatum as I would be very reluctant to enter a relationship of any nature under such circumstances. It was the comment which he probably figures I've taken out of context about 'single life working for him now'- that made me back away. I sent him a quick text about it. He's called me several times but only early morning when I'm usually in meetings or on my to work or extremely late. so at this time I think he feels I'm ignoring him. My head says to just let him come to me if he so chooses. My heart says be open you never know. My ego says- prove him he isn't right about you(women in general) in that we really don't want what it is we say that we do. argghhh!

the good all jedi mind trick lol it's all part of the plan lol but he is right it's the biggest truth women don't want to admit to them self.

click to expand

well its a trick use for good i notice scorps do to but badly he is trying to change her bad behavior in relastionships... or wat alot of women do.... i have use the same line myself..