My Virgo, maybe

I tried to push my friend away from me yesterday. I told him to run from me. I admit, I was in freak out mode. I have so much going on in my life right now and trying to keep everything together. Of course my mother had to cause drama yesterday. I don't like drama and try to keep it out and she is the only one that gets my anxiety to boil point. She is an Aquarius. Virgo friend has been my saving grace. And I have been falling for him

Basically without going into details, my mother sent me over the edge. And my Virgo friend means so much, he is so beautiful and pure in heart. He has been hurt so deeply with his ex wife I can't bare to hurt him and afraid I will. I have a feeling from small things he has said, I am not the only one falling. He has also trusted me enough to open his own self up to me and even told me I have seen deeper into him then his mother. He has great relationship with her. So I tried to push him away. I told him to run and exactly why as in not wanting to hurt him, he meant to much to me. We talked about what set me off and why. He was firm he wasn't running from me. He said I have been a great friend and more and he was going to be there even if I didn't want him to.

I asked why. He replied 1. Not my style 2. That I wouldn't run (very true, I wouldn't) 3. I meant more to him then that. But if that is what I wanted he would back off because he knew i had lot going on and decisions to make but he will be there still and checking in on me. I told him, I didn't want him too but I couldn't bare to hurt him. Which he said he was stronger then I thought and wasn't running. Then I did it. I laid it out to him. I told him it wasn't the time or forum (text) I wanted to talk to him about it. I needed things in my life more sure. And even if it wasn't reciprocated I was fine with it. I am falling for him. I said, I think you already know that.

Took him a good 10 mins to reply. No surprise. He said, that is what I want for you. To be sure. He knew what it was like coming out of a long relationship. (Affirmation?)

I told him if he was implying what thought I was sure. But that is it. I had 14 yrs and 3 kids. I wasn't in love but loved my ex. (He understands he said it his self about his ex) but I am fiercely loyal and I had to be sure that chapter is closed. He deserves to be someone's #1 he was to good not to be. Then I need me. I am the type that gives all of myself to someone and I couldn't if I didn't have me.

If I was wrong in the implication, then at least I wanted him see what he does deserve thru my actions.

No reply. Which is fine. He did initiate contact this morning. And we have had light covo all day. I am fine with status quo. I have admitted my feelings. If I am correct and has the same, that what I am afraid to hurt. I also think he is aware of the situation and is realistic about what is reality like I am. I just don't want to cause his beautiful heart harm. He didn't run either after I told him, I still have his friendship.

Silly nonvirgo question, yes I over analyze everything. He'll my job title has analyst in it. Did he reciprocate my feelings for him last night? If not, that is fine. I can live with that.

Virgo's are pure savers, he's loving his role but I'm not sure why you would be falling for him, if it's because he's saving you from mommy well that could fail.

What other reasons are you falling for him? Do you both go out together and spend a great amount of your time together? Is he reciprocating the same feelings and thoughts?

He isn't saving me from mommy. I have other things in my life that are more important then my mommy issues. He is a real good friend. I have known him for years. I have been there for him through his heartaches with his ex wife. Both times she showed her ass. I always had huge respect for him and admiration. He kept his wits, kept his children and continued doing what needs to be done. No I don't see him that often. Without traffic, 3.5 hrs from each other. If circumstances were different and they could change, then we could see each other more. Why I am falling for him, his morals, values, work ethic, loyalty to those in his life, his cool practical approach to things. The list can go on. It is Him. He is beautifully amazing and I am amazingly picky. There has to be something about you that catches my attention for me to even think about you more then a friend.

And yes. In that manner he does reciprocate his thoughts, admiration and gratefullness to me. He has told me aspects about myself that he admires as I have done him.

Thank you Virgoflirt. I must say, I love reading you responses to post.

We both are not ready for anything yet. I do think he would lose respect for me if I wanted jump into a relationship right now. Still not divorced yet with my ex and still "new" out of a 14 year marriage. New as in length of time compared to the length of time in my marriage. I am not ready. And I know that. I have a long way to go in myself and my life before I can move into any relationship. He isn't either and I have known that. I have seen him progress in this past year as we have become very close in our friendship from: I never want to love again. To: It would be nice to have someone by my side in my life.

But I did rehash it tonight. We have been honest with each other in our friendship. When he replied to me that he wanted me to be sure, the implication was also understanding the need to have that connection after being with someone for so long. Very valid but knawed at me. I told him tonight I wasn't going to bring this up again but I wanted to address it. What I felt for him has nothing to do with me being lonely after my marriage. I would not have expressed myself to him my feelings if I did not already evaluate that possibility. If I had found that was the case the discussion would have turned out different. I would need to pull away and get my shit together because that meant I was using him and the relationship has become unhealthy. I said it so he would know why I was trying to push him away.

I told him regardless of how he feels and I am fzoned I am fine with it. I was afraid my admission would mess up what we did have. But I don't want anything right now. I had to crap to work out b4 I put myself in any romantic relationship. And when he did move on with his life (he has been single since he and his wife split so about 2 years) and it wasn't me, I would happy for him because I wanted him to be happy. Enough said and for him to do with it what he wanted.

He replied it really means a lot to him. he did think we both have healing to do before anything can be healthy. And not to worry he wasn't scared off or anything.

I just replied I agreed 100% and thank you.

If it is to be, we both need to exercise patience until we both are ready. So I guess, we will see what happens in the future and on with status quo.

Thank you! I replied.

You express feelings that you are not ready to act on?

What would make you express all this only to say we're not ready yet. Doesn't make sense to go through all of that only to say I'm not ready. Why not wait until you are ready.

Either way I wish you both the best!

@tiki, it was said way before I was ready. I felt circumstances called for it and the type of relationship is open and honest, and I could have reacted to hastily. But what is done is don and so you just move it on.

@Virgoflirt, could be. I know that is one chapter I want closed in my life as well before I move on as well. It is only going to get worse until it gets better in the divorce process.