Poor virguy and interpersonal shenanigans

My virguy-friend is having a tough time with his little group of best friends. Two are a married couple he's known since he was 10, the other is a currently single guy he's known almost as long. The wife of the couple has latched on to a new neighbor gal as a hanging-out/girl's night kind of buddy. The husband is a nice guy and lets his wife push him around a lot. The single guy has a thing for the neighbor gal.

Virguy has spotted the less-than-honorable character of this neighbor gal, and called her out on it after tying to help her with some personal stuff and got lied to repeatedly. So now this gal has been talking smack to virguy's friends to the point where he's getting the cold-shoulder/blow-off from them. He's had a rough time lately, just dealing with inner-personal stuff, and now this has really gotten him down.

We talked for a couple hours yesterday about this stuff and some other things he said he's never told anyone before. Being me, and a cancer, I really feel for him & want to help as best I can. I think just listening and sharing my perspective has been good. It's terrible that these are the few people he let in through his reserve, weak points so to speak, and they are hurting him. He doesn't want to get all high-school and dramatic, so he's sent an email to each person kind of saying hey it's been a while let's hook up, and gotten very non-committal responses.

I told him that things sometimes just cycle through, and eventually this new person will show her colors, or move on, and his friends will reconnect, which I believe. But it does help the damage being done to him right now. He hasn't done anything social since this started, but for having drinks with a former co-worker one night, and visiting with me at his house. He used to spend 3 or 4 nights doing various things with his 3 friends, so he's turned into a hermit. I told him I'd love to go out some evenings for drinks, thinking he'd not want to since we spend lots of other rime together, but he seemed really glad that I said that. Maybe if we do, he can mention it to his BFF's and they might drop in too.

Anyway, I really want to help within the parameters he can accept. Y'all virgos have any comments/advice/perspective? have you gone through friend-trouble like this?

This is reminiscent of my life.
This is why, as 25th puts it, people get DELETED.

No appreciation and contentment with fakeness and dishonesty, as seen in the Virgo point of view.

Of course, he could be wrong and I could have been wrong in my experiences, but that just didn't help the ebb and understanding we got of the situation.

Posted by Cajunspirit
This is reminiscent of my life.
This is why, as 25th puts it, people get DELETED.

No appreciation and contentment with fakeness and dishonesty, as seen in the Virgo point of view.

Of course, he could be wrong and I could have been wrong in my experiences, but that just didn't help the ebb and understanding we got of the situation.

I think it's not just feeling betrayed by his friends, but that they don't/can't see through this gal's behavior. And he talked about the lying as being a cut off point, absolutely. I just don't think he expected to get the dis from all 3 of his BFF's at once.

He said something similar happened years ago. He dated this gal, broke up, then the now-single guy friend married her. VG said he got the dis for years after that, because the ex-gf/friend's new wife was now hanging out with the group.

I know from a cancer standpoint, I tend to put a lot of faith in someone once I've decided they're 'in' my shell. If that faith gets betrayed, it's devastating. I'm sure virgos don't experience the same emotionality, but maybe the same feeling of betrayal....

Posted by Kali
They experience the same emotionality. They experience it deeply, very deeply, but they keep it hidden beneath the surface. Yes, the feel the betrayal when they've opened up to someone they felt they could trust, only to find out they can't trust that person. It cuts them deeply and sharply. They can compartmentalize though, and separate the emotion from the logic (much harder for us water signs to do). So they may come across as having few, if any emotions, but those emotions are definitely there - you just won't see them unless they let you in really deep. And it's very few people that ever get that deep with a virgo.

I guess I'm in deep then, because he really laid a lot out to me yesterday. Not only about this mess with his friends, but with some really heavy family stuff from his childhood. He even said it was stuff he'd never told anyone before. I could see the tears in his eyes, but tried to pull back on my cancer style of responding. I think he gets the empathy, and I don't need to get all 'watery'.

But dang! it's hard to see that much pain from someone who is normally so reserved and in control....

A tough aspect of our 2-hour 'therapy' session is that he explained very respectfully, and in a way that I could really get my head around, how my usual communication style affects him. He even went so far as to say I'm about the only person he 'talks' with (I usually talk via email)as much as he does, including his family.

So even though there are all kinds of offshoots of our discussions I'd like to get into, it seems the polite thing is to do so more on his terms than mine. Which means waiting til we're in person, and assuming the timing is right to bring things up. I really can't disrespect how carefully he explained his feelings on the matter, and is still cutting me more slack than most people in his life.

But UGH!!! 😛

Posted by sandyclaws

Posted by Kali
They experience the same emotionality. They experience it deeply, very deeply, but they keep it hidden beneath the surface. Yes, the feel the betrayal when they've opened up to someone they felt they could trust, only to find out they can't trust that person. It cuts them deeply and sharply. They can compartmentalize though, and separate the emotion from the logic (much harder for us water signs to do). So they may come across as having few, if any emotions, but those emotions are definitely there - you just won't see them unless they let you in really deep. And it's very few people that ever get that deep with a virgo.

I guess I'm in deep then, because he really laid a lot out to me yesterday. Not only about this mess with his friends, but with some really heavy family stuff from his childhood. He even said it was stuff he'd never told anyone before. I could see the tears in his eyes, but tried to pull back on my cancer style of responding. I think he gets the empathy, and I don't need to get all 'watery'.

But dang! it's hard to see that much pain from someone who is normally so reserved and in control....

click to expand

im sorry to hear this about ur friend i had to respond to this because i know how it is to be betrayed by people who are suppose to be ur friends i use to do so much for people from my heart that i cared for because i love to help people but i had to learn that you should only deal with people who have ur best interest in mind so you can save yourself from misery and trivial shit in the long run.

its hard for virgos to open up and let people in then when we do and get cut it hurts like hell its gonna take time for him 2 recover.

ah well, life goes on.

Posted by sorti-fantastic poney
ah well, life goes on.

for sum maybe lol.

I think cancers & virgos are similar in being loyal to friends, but where cancers go on faith/vibes/intuition a lot in choosing friends, virgos map everything out, analyze the situation. Which can be where the most grief comes from when things go wrong. Cancers can be hurt, but still save face by telling ourselves that at leas we tried, or that we meant well, etc. But after going through a process of analysis, it would be harder to take a betrayal in stride. I can see where a big chunk of self-doubt would butt in, thinking some perception must be off to trust people who then do something crappy.

Virguy has a lot of compassion for the weaknesses/failings of his friends. I'm not sure what his grudge-holding style is, but I'm hoping everyone will kiss & make up eventually. I know he's had grief with them before, around 9 yrs ago, and they all sorted it out. But he's still hurt from it.

I told him that things go in cycles, and his friends will pull their heads out of their asses sooner or later. I'm just wondering what damage will have been done in the meantime. And he does have other friends, just not quite the same as these 3.

Time will tell....