Same old?

Oh, boy... Just when I thought it was all over, the roller coaster starts yet again...

It's been a long time since our last "date" and I have been trying to recover from what went on (or what did not go on) between the virguy and me. It's been a hard journey with a huge heartbreak and lots of tears. It has been close to impossible to let it go...

So, here is the last part of the story. A couple of weeks ago, I send the virguy an email about a seminar he attended last year. In the email I apologize for bothering him, and I was sincere with my apology. Anyways, he sends a detailed answer, and the night he sent me the reply, we see each other at a party. He asks me if I got his email, I say yes, and then he asks why I apologized for bothering him. "You don't bother me" he says. I tell him that when I sent an email about a movie a month ago, his one-sentence answer "Nope, never heard of it" made me think that my emails were bothering him. He says that it wasn't the case.

Anyway, this Tuesday I send him another email, a very playful and kindly teasing email, and he responds back in the same sort of way. Moreover, we see each other at lunch and talk about the email. We were without a doubt flirting that day. Later the same day, he leaves the office early and a couple of hours later I get a call from him on my cell phone. This is the first time he called in 5 months. He says "Hi, FFV. This is Virguy", I say "I know". He sounds a little surprised and says "I thought you erased my number". I say "I did not". An awkward silence for a couple of seconds. (Btw, this is the first time ever he referenced our hanging out together) Anyways, he asks for a simple favor, I say yes.

Later that day, I see him again. He is alone in an office and there is noone around. I go inside the office and tell him the following: "I thought a lot about what happened between the two us. I perhaps overanalyzed. I think I have finally digested it and I want you to know that I am glad we can still be friends". His only reaction is nodding and saying "ok" for what seemed like a hundred times. I leave the office saying that I feel much better now that I got it off my chest.

The next time we see each other he looks "guilty", and is not sure how to act. But I act very friendly, and I think he relaxed a little bit. Yesterday, we were walking together, and all of a sudden he brings up the same old conversation: how busy he has been for the past months. I just say that I understand. No other explicit/implicit mention of my last monologue with him.

Maybe I am hallucinating again, but I started thinking that he is trying to send me a message. I don't know what that message is really. I was hoping that you guys might have some "theories"... Why bring up the "busyness"? Why say "I thought you erased my number"?

I am emotionally so exhausted because of him. My heart is broken. But I just can't seem to forget him and let go of the whole thing. 😢

Hey I am glad that it is not over.

But one thing I am curious about: You say that you and him flirted during the lunch the other day. So why did you say later that you were glad you could still be friends? Now he's going to think that is what you want.

love4ever, yes, most probably I confused him but I was confused, too. At lunch and afterwards, I was totally ecstatic. I started daydreaming again. But then, I said to myself, "I know how this is going to end. He will start ignoring me in a few days if not earlier, and I will feel devastated again. Then I'll start blaming myself for letting him do this to me - again" So, I decided to end things, once and for all. I was hoping he would be more open with what he was thinking/feeling. When I told him that I was glad we were friends, there were two ways he could reply - or that's what I thought- 1) saying something like: "Friends? But I want more" 2) "Yeah, I am glad too". But of course he beat me once again. He did not say anything. Just okayed my whole conversation, leaving me in the dark yet again...

scopiogoat, I think what I am afraid of losing is his respect. Say he is not romantically interested in me, and I make an explicit move after all these months and all these things. Wouldn't he think that I am desparate or obsessed or plain stupid for not getting his "signals"? I am pretty sure he's sending signals in his own virgic way. Lol! But I can't break the code!

Message posted by: love4ever on 4/14/2007 5:00:28 AM ip: xxx.xxx.xxx.24

But one thing I am curious about: You say that you and him flirted during the lunch the other day. So why did you say later that you were glad you could still be friends? Now he's going to think that is what you want.


Yes, that popped in my head, too .. mixed signals.

FFV .. these men are handicapped in the whole "dance" of trying to capture and secure a potential mate .. your path has to be clear within yourself, for if it's not, then this projects onto him and confuses him even more. You can't be flirty and then turn around and say we're just friends with a Virgo .. they don't know how to process that, that's why he sends back confusing messages, or looks guilty.

It may not be intentional .. but, it's fucking with his head because he doesn't know how to process all this .. > guilty look.

So many women come in here and just cannot understand what the heck is going on with their Virgo men and 99% of the time .. it's simply because these men are being given mixed signals and they don't know what to make of it. The woman has to certain within herself what she wants, where she's going with this .. so, she is certain to give him the correct signals.

"I am emotionally so exhausted because of him" .. I feel you on that. And the more exhausted you become, the wierder it's going to be because it exhausts the signals too. They're alot of work, to say the least.

Most people just walk away .. for fear of losing their own sense of pride and dignity. Just make sure you take care of yourself first.

"Wouldn't he think that I am desparate or obsessed or plain stupid for not getting his "signals"? I am pretty sure he's sending signals in his own virgic way. Lol! But I can't break the code!"


They are bouncing off you .. they are completely mutable ..

You have to keep in mind .. the Virgo is here to serve, that is their job.

If he isn't sure what the service is that he's suppose to be providing, then he's going to withdraw, so he can try to figure out what it is - exactly - that you require.

P-Angel, I agree with you that I am causing confusion in him. But, believe me, it's totally unintentional for I do value him and wouldn't want to hurt him in any way.

I think we clearly have a communication problem. I am not a direct person. I like to give hints and expect the others to get them. He seems to act in the same way. I think we are making assumptions about one another, but those assumptions are wrong in most cases, but we are so preoccupied with our own thoughts that we never check those assumptions with reality.

I know what I want. I want a relationship with this man. But, I don't want him to think that I'm desparate or needy or clingy. I am too proud... This causes problems when I start sending signals to him.

"Most people just walk away .. for fear of losing their own sense of pride and dignity. Just make sure you take care of yourself first."

This is exactly how I feel. And it complicates matters...

scopigoat, I don't enjoy misery at all, and that's why I tried to put an end to things.

Maybe you're right. Maybe we can't be friends. But I want him to be in my life in one way or the other. I enjoy having conversations with him. We talk about a lot of stuff that I can't talk with other people. Most of these things are impersonal, things like philosophy, movies, history, etc. It's the personal and, most important of all, the emotional stuff that we have trouble talking about...

I am so confused right now. I don't know what to do...

"But, believe me, it's totally unintentional for I do value him and wouldn't want to hurt him in any way."

I know .. I was just trying to explain that because the Virgo gets confused over what "signals" mean .. that this causes them to be cold one minute, friendly the next, MIA out of nowhere, flirty .. they don't have the capability to process with the effecientcy as others do as to exactly what something means when it comes to romantic interaction .. the whole capture "game" that must be played in order to secure.

Game sounds like a bad word .. but, in reality, that's exactly what it is .. I bend this way, you bend that way .. I comprimise here, you comprimise there .. and they just fall short on this and because they are such perfectionist .. this confuses them because they can't understand why they are so right-on with everything else in their life.

That IS what they think about when they go MIA in a relationship, btw .. everything seems so simple to compute, it has it's place, there's order .. except the other person in a relationship is unpredictable, there's chaos in the mind, uncertainty .. this jambs up their mental processing .. usually what a person gets back is a vague response, a limmerick, or complete evasion .. it's not that they aren't thinking about you, it's that they don't know how to respond accordingly because they can't find logic in the illogical .. feelings are illogical .. even thier own.

Anyway, I know you care about him .. I'm just trying to give you some insight as to how they operate in a relationship and WHY they do some of the odd things they do.

He gives you mixed signals because he can only do what he "thinks" you require, and since you are human, requirements change .. he doesn't know how to change with it, without deep analysis.

Thank you for the insight P-Angel. I really appreciate it.

What do you think my next move should be? Just wait and see or do something?

FFV .. I know it's hard, for I can be indirect too .. wanting to give hints.

But, seriously .. you have to find a way to come to terms with being open and direct without worrying about respect. In fact, the Virgo works the complete opposite than that .. they respect the person who WILL be direct with them .. what you're fearing is all within yourself, for he won't think that way of you. It's the women who sit back and wait for months, years, even on them, are the ones who they likely lose respect for because this suggests to them that the woman isn't sure enough within herself what she wants. You say you know what you want, and I don't doubt that .. but, he may be doubting it because you aren't forthcoming with what you feel.

Maybe try writing it down. Make yourself a list of everything you feel the two of you need to overcome, address, comprimise on, whatever you think is necessary in order for this relationship to become a better and happier one. Then, you will have a guide to follow, one you wrote yourself .. he's not going to think you're desperate if you approach him .. he will, however, likely think you're desperate if you hang back in the shadows for months on end, waiting for him to decide .. now, that's desperation because it indicates to him that you would believe that you can't get any better than him.

In his eyes .. everybody is better than him. Just as critical as they are with other people, they are moreso with themselves. For every woman who continues to wait for an unreasonable amount of time for a male Virgo is only serving to lose him because sine he believes that he is the worst of the crop .. then the woman must be desperate.

Trust me .. I know that I spout off at the mouth alot .. but, I've been living with a Virgo for 25 years .. they respect directness and honesty, FFV.

Directness and honesty IS the way to the Virgo ..

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. *Dr. Seuss

Ok, so Seuss was a Pisces and not a Virgo .. but, still this is how they feel.

Be who you are
Say what you feel
Because you matter, they don't mind.
Because they matter to you, they don't mind.

They do mind if you don't because then they know that they don't matter to you.

P-A, I understand what you're saying. I am always honest with him but I have to be direct, too.

I will try to write down my thoughts/feelings. (I actually did write a lot, but they are too detailed and long). But maybe I can write down what I have in my mind/heart and then email it to him? Or maybe leave it on his desk? I read on DXP that Virgos like letters. Maybe this way he will feel less pressured to say something right away and he can take his time to reply to me? And if I do this, I will make sure I am very direct...

Excellent idea .. you're right, when put on the spot about feelings, they certainly feel uncomfortable because they HAVE to turn inward to ponder .. if put on the spot, they will appear vague, which will leave the woman to freak out because she thinks he isn't into her.

This way .. he can chew on everything you said and organize his thoughts.

Brilliant plan, FFV .. rest assured that when he's finally yours and proclaims his love for you, it's for REAL. You won't find a better life-partner who will treat you with decentcy, respect and most importantly, tolerance of all your flaws and shortcomings.

Good Luck and I'm sure that after you do this (which he will NEED a lot of time to absorb it all and contemplate) .. you're gonna come back with an update about how he made you feel special .. for he will, no matter his decision .. so long as you're honest with him .. you're golden, in any term of relating.

"Who cares if my true self is not liked by those who don't matter in my life? for those who click with me, they still like me even after I piss them off. They get over it."


Yep .. the ones who are still standing by your side when you stand up for your convictions are the only ones worthy of you. If they mind that you must make a stand for your integrity .. then, they don't matter .. tossers.

Dr. Seuss was indeed a wise man.

Ok, everyone. Never mind the whole thread. I just talked to a friend and he told me that virguy had an ex-girlfriend and they were back together since Feb or March. It's a long-distance thing, so I had no idea.

Well, I have my closure - finally.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

WOW P-Angel & Scopiogoat u guys rock. So i have just one question if i am dealing w/a Virguy that I know likes me but is hedging and even asked me NOT to contact him for awhile (meanwhile in the next breath mentions he needs to give me a new email address), should i get a communication to him anyway and let him know that im falling in love with him or will he just be pissed that im not following his intstructions?