He ended our very long chat that day on this note..
“Listen, you need to think about this. Think about what you are asking. Are you sure we will be happy together? Just sleep on it and tell me honestly. What does your inner voice tell you?”
Thanks for assuring me that my Taurus really loved me, I was starting to doubt that. I was so devastated on the news of him wanting us to end the relationship that I did not pay heed to what his reasonings were. That’s why I posted on this forum. I needed a third persons perspective on all of this because I’m not very smart at this. And the reason I happen to choose a astrology forum is because the first topic on how he initiated a friendship with me was from talking about how compatible our zodiac signs can be . 11 yrs after here we are..!
Well there is yet another twist in my situation. My child has decided that she wants my Taurus to be in her life as the father figure that he has always been and my Taurus says he not ready to let go of taking care of my child either. They talk on the phone and he still teaches her math and keeps up with her grades and with her dates and friends. And I realize the harm it will do to her mentally if I forced her out of my Taurus’s life, since she already suffers from parental separation anxiety because her real dad one day just abandoned her when she was 10 and hasn’t shown up in her life ever since. He just made sure to nail me down in this country (until she is 18) and within a hour drive from his place through family court system so I cannot enjoy my freedom or be with my Taurus as long as it is possible for him to do so.
My Taurus was not speaking to me but he had something to say when it came to my child. To which I had to surrender for my child’s sake.
Yes, we talked a lot about doing more than me waiting on him to come back so we can start a new. He always wanted me to do what I came in this country for before all the tragedies came in my way and completely set me off my track. And he also talked a lot about things he wanted to achieve before his immigration issues and his parents belief system reduced him to a working machine of sorts for not enough pay and no way to get out or stay here and do what he wants to do.
I am a fool when it comes to relationships. I have not learned from observing or from examples around me, how a healthy relationship should be because I grew up is a very messed up family. Which eventually caused me to run away from home as far as I could with any excuse I could find all the way to USA. I sat on my butt waiting for my Taurus to come back after his immigration issues were sorted out while he kept suggesting that I do something more with my life but with my child’s issues I was always afraid to go work and leave her alone. He acted like he understood the problem I was having dealing with my child alone here without him but I guess he still really wanted me to work however he failed to say that clearly and I believed only what I thought he was saying which is to find something to do from home which was never enough. I’m beating myself for not doing more sooner because now I have found stuff I could have done and resources available to me only after he dumped me and I have no option but to find work and take care of my child too somehow someway!
This is what he told me the day he broke up with me on 2nd October…
“ Anything I say or think is not doing any good. I think we just need to take some time to process this. I cried myself to sleep, hid my face n tears at dinner.
I’m just lost.”
When I asked him that day if this was it and are we done this is what he said..
“ That’s a hard question to answer. My mind says yes because right now that’s what’s needed. My heart says no. I have been with you 11 years and maybe this a change we need to try. I am not ready to date or enjoy anything in life. I have to build myself. I don’t have any freedom to do anything. I barely support you n C. My mind and body are tired. And my soul questions everything in life.
I realize that this will be tough on you and it was an extremely hard decision. And this is not the first time I have thought about it. First time was in 2011 when I had went away but I fought through my teeth to get back to you at the expense of my parents feeling defeated and resentment started to develop. Then it was 2014 where I would feel not sure why I couldn’t figure out my future. I felt like I was living for the now. Then 2016 because of S ( A girl at work he cheated on me with). And then now. In between all these years I believed that we will be together but we didn’t work together. I wanted you to realize your potential and contribute to the family. My only talent was that I can work hard and make people believe that I know a few things. You did your part and took care of C and I but that did not bring you happiness. I gave you and C my prime years because I wanted you to do something that made you happy and give you the means you need to realize that. I did the best I could with what I had. I followed everything you told me to do, whether it’s making a budget and saving money to raising C as a united front. I always failed short of that. We did not have a social life. There was always something that made you uncomfortable and I would agree with everything you said. The house is not the best I agree. But that’s what we could afford. And we did save money. The house was a mess and it was not just your fault, I also didn’t have the energy or maturity to deal with it. But you had such strong resentment towards the roof over our heads. I wanted you to be more independent not just in the house but outside too. Network and meet people with your own likeness. You and I became complacent with each other. We did the bare minimum to make the relationship work. That would have worked if I didn’t have a massive debt or immigration problems. We would have an argument on everything. I was sucking the life out of you. I almost never felt that our relationship wasn’t winning at anything. I had always felt that I kept making it worse with my non commitment, cheating, complacency. You are a good person and I did see myself with you but I didn’t feel we were growing together except for our age. 11 years I have been with you and even though I say that I have a massive debt, it’s actually not that big ( $ 75k) and now after 11 years it’s 55k. Even if I had a car for that price I would have been able to pay it off by 6 or 7th year. I’m still dependent on my parents for support and that’s the only reason I am still able to support you and C. I desperately wanted my parents to see what I saw in you and C but it only angered them. Everytime I stood up for you and your honor, it made things worse. Where is the reward for doing all the right things? I thought I was doing right by you. Even though our relationship did not have a good base but we could have created support beams and made a new base. I felt like we were just patching the holes in the imperfections of our relationship. Tbh I didn’t have the understanding of a relationship that I have now and I would have still tried to fix things but this Covid and immigration is hurting me. I am spent. Working and working and understanding and making excuses for everyone for the price of my body n mind. And it’s not because I had to support you n C. Even if I didn’t I would still be in this situation. Though I was going through this I was still grateful for the day I woke up and went to work. My behavior and demeanor may not have reflected that but I was grateful. Being around you and my pt. has taught me that you can get sick with diseases but you can also get sick by welcoming stress in your life. Don’t think that I am doing ok. I can’t stop crying at home and I can’t stop crying at work and my employer is asking what happened few times already and I had to tell her I need to deal with this. I am not doing this so that I can find somebody else. I’m doing to be better than I was. i don’t want this to end. As broken this was I can’t have the type of love I have for you again for anyone else. But we cannot just settle for what it is right now. I need to grow up and take responsibility of my actions and you need build yourself up.
When I was there and then after I left, I still believed that all these problems would be temporary. I worked enough to make sure you n C didn’t have any complaints. I never felt that you could handle managing additional responsibilities because you always seem to have a lot going on and I made the mistake of thinking you are this fragile person and so kept tip toeing around you. I wanted you n C to enjoy yourself because I knew once the immigration was done things would get better. I was doing math with her and teaching myself before I taught her. But the thought of supporting dreams matter. Then I started thinking about the future and I had no idea which direction to even take. I was so indecisive because I had no clue what to do after my nursing. It was expected that I worked and pay off my debt. Then reality set in that I can only work for a year, so how will I pay off that much in one year?! Nobody told me that. Then I just wanted some stability in my personal life. I didn’t take your help for immigration because of my ego because I knew that I would have to go against my parents to be with you n C and I wanted to show my patents that I can handle immigration too. Another reason I was indecisive towards marriage with you was because I belonged to a community that believed in endogamy. I don’t have those views but my parents do and they have worked hard on many levels to get me here and support me before I met you. You have met me because of them. It was hard to listen to both in my head when both were valid reasons. I believe we would have been a better couple if I had some stability in my professional life and you to work on yourself after your divorce. I singled you out from other responsibilities was because I wanted you to find yourself, move forward with all the good you have experienced. I believe in you more than me because you had a passion and your path wasn’t as muddy as mine. And I thought leaving you be would help you figure out what that you need to do was. Us being in a relationship is one thing but marriage meant I had to be 100% sure that you were the person I need to be with and that after marriage, this is a forever thing. If we split then I have nothing else and I will truly be alone.
It’s a possibility that we would split after marriage Because I would be the guy that doesn’t give you the place in my heart and you won’t be able to reach your potential. Would you have been happy then?”
I don’t know what is wrong with him but all of a sudden he is not talking at all. I get notifications that he is reading my messages but he won’t respond to anything which he has never done in all the 11 yrs I have known him. Last we talked ( I know I’m pathetic ) I asked him if we could patch up. If there is any possibility what so ever to still be together and he said this.. “ What good will that do ”
I replied, that it will do everything that this break up is not doing for either one of us. And that I have cried my self sick for days now because it’s tearing me apart to know that we are done.
To which he replied .. “ I care for you n C. And it’s hard to see you go through this. What do you fear from this break up “
My reply - losing you
Him- “ Losing me how? Am I not here ”
I said - not in the same way you were before. Nothing about the way we talk any more is the same. I miss the love and our constant messaging throughout the day checking on each other
Him - “ Traditionally break up means to completely let the other person go. What I’m offering that we can still be friends (we were before), we can talk and I can support you with what I can. But we are not bf n gf n not expect us getting married ” and then he asked if I spoke to my outreach advocate here from my DV shelter days to help me get a job at the shelter.
I told him I don’t want to be friends again. I want to stay in a relationship and I don’t understand why all of a sudden it was necessary for him to dump me when he isn’t going anywhere or looking for another relationship.
Him - “ I have given everything I have to you. I just don’t have anything else to give you or anyone else I did not feel I was going anywhere in the relationship and so I wanted to change it. I realized I am not going anywhere because I don’t have any future plans with you. Everytime I close my eyes I only see myself. But I still care for you n C. ”
I told him after that to send me a list of my monthly expenses of my bills and utilities because I’m going to have to look for a job to cover that or get financial help and he is just quite. No matter what I say or remind him anymore of the promises he made or share pics of the memories we made together he won’t reply any more but he is still talking in the most loving way with my child and keeping up with her during school.
As much as I’m working on moving completely out of his life in every which way I’m also freaking out inside at thought of just completely losing him where he won’t even so much as talk to me.
It was just august of this year when he said “ I’m blessed to have you both in my precious life” In January this year he has said “I love you very much. It has taken me some time to realize that!”
Also before he stopped talking he left me with a podcast of a guy on a radio (don’t remember who it was and deleted that podcast by mistake from my phone) who was talking about getting over his divorce from a man’s perspective and the guy said his ex was a misfit in his life. He was with her and not even sure why and he had aspirations for a job and making it big some someday and meeting ppl of a certain class where he felt his ex was going fit in and being with her even though they had kids together, made him sort of feel lonely in events and holidays with his friends and family because his ex wife simply did not fit and was no match for him. Finally at 45 he found a young lady with no baggage from her past and they are happy together now and his currently wife and his ex wife now chat with each other more than he does with his ex.
Hearing that made me feel like he could have literally nailed an L on my forehead and it might have hurt less than being compared to some man’s ex wife who to him, was a misfit and made him feel lonely among his friends and family.
Yes I’m moving out and away as far as life can take me from him. My heart is forever torn in pieces and to be very honest I still can’t find hate for him in any corner of my heart. I still wish at some point he will realize I really truly loved him and was willing to go above and beyond to be with him and I or my child did not deserve this. But then I also think what good with that do.
When we were together we both use to dream about lot of plans that we wanted to accomplish. My immigration took a wrong turn when I was falsely red flagged and it took me 10 pain full years with 86 hearings in court and in the end help from the ACLU to finally succeed at getting a green card. His story is kind of similar but not quite. He just wanted to get his permanent residence on his own with the help of his job and education. He’s been trying for it about 10 yrs as well. With so many life complications those dreams of business and financial goals got swept away to the side and everything became about survival for us. We supported each other off and on until my ex made it impossible for me to get busy with work and not sit back and watch my child. I started losing jobs when I had to drop and pay attention to my child first. My Taurus helped me a lot through these hard times. He helped pay my lawyers and court fees and and took the responsibility of my child and all our expenses for over 7 yrs now.
I brought up the money topic with him many times. He didn’t discourage me to get a job but understanding my child’s needs he always supported me to do something from home. I tried my hands at a few things but none made a huge difference in our finances. He always said not to worry about money to the point that he once told me he would really like if I didn’t bring up the money topic. But I was aware he was under a lot of pressure to pay off his education debt.
This is what he said on 4th October that gave me the impression that he wanted to get back together after 3 to 4 yrs … “Look at this way. What good would be to stay together now. I haven’t been there in 5 years and I won’t be able to for the next 2. Should we take this opportunity to see what we can do for ourselves and then revisit this relationship. Because I won’t be actively looking for someone else for at least 3/4 years. Would you want to do that? “
Same day he also said all this… “Long distance relationship is hard. And we figured about ourselves a lot and it helped our relationship too.
That intent to end our relationship was there from some time even before I left and I gave you the reasons for it. I have tried to be the person that is compatible to you n your beliefs but even though I love you n C, I feel we are incompatible with each other. And maybe that’s why I can’t see a future with you.
What if we stay together and I get my green card and then also I don’t feel that I should marry you. Then what?
Don’t treat this as an end all thing. I’m still here right? And I’m still trying to help”
I’m still hurting incredibly realizing this is perhaps over but all my bills and house lease and everything in the place I live and around me including the ppl we know reminds me of him. He still continues to play a crucial role in my child’s school life and her academics. I had to shop for her home coming and I pulled out of my savings to pay for it but he went ahead and payed it before I could and when I told him I want to pay him back he said he will talk to me about it later.
On the exact minute he broke up with me a week ago he messaged me and said he is thinking about me and it is very hard and sent me a bunch of cute pics and little clips we use to share with each other before he broke up.
He keeps asking if I’m okay or how I’m doing and I hate to answer it because I don’t think he has the patience or time to find that out because he works a very demanding job and pretty much all week! The few hours he’s off work in his parents house, they make sure to keep him constantly busy so he can find no time to call me. He says he can’t move out of his parents house because living there free helps him pay my rent and utilities. ( I have always felt guilty that he had to pay my bills and I’m still struggling with my child who just had a troubled childhood and still keeps attracting trouble if I don’t watch her to the point that I fear my own safety in the house, if I don’t watch her.) This was always the case when it came to making any contact with him because his mom would constantly interrupt or just be in his room if he didn’t go to her at once when she called for his attention.
I am terribly weak for him. I know that moving on would do me better but my heart is stuck with him. At this point I’m desperate for hope. Any hope of having him in my life is what makes me wake up and get on with my life each day. My personal story and the story of how I found my Taurus and how deeply connected we both have been past 11 yrs due to long of emotional events is too long to put here. But someone asked me what was my mistake. No I don’t have any addiction issues. I’ve just had a very tough life. Been molested sexually until 24yrs then happen come to a country where I knew no body but my (ex)husband who abused and raped me physically and emotionally for 5 yrs. Then I escaped to a domestic violence shelter and have been with my Taurus ever since. His family does not except me and wants him to marry within his endogamous community. He believed we were meant to be together but he never told me that because he was waiting to see my potential and I kept waiting for him to claim me for life has his life partner so I could feel secure first with him. However past three years have been the most difficult in his life because he is stuck in his parents house waiting for a green card and in the mean time does an incredibly hard job with no breaks or even days off for weeks. Due to Covid his green card processing has stretched way past its due date. He has debt he wants to pay off, he work certificate, drivers license, ID etc have expired waiting in his green card and he is just stuck and does have any free will go anywhere or do anything pleases.
Last he wrote me. This is how he explained my faults and the reason for his decision- “ I understand that the years were hard on you dealing with a lot of things that just solidify your convictions of what a relationship should be. I thought we were good together and I wanted to value you and C(my daughter whom he has raised since she was 3yrs old) in my life. I declined a marriage proposal from my community based on the idea that maybe I need to stand up for the person I am trying to see if you will meet potential to be someone I can see my life for the rest of my life. unfortunately, I just was not able to see it and it was not only because of the lack of intimate expressions but the fact that I did not feel we were growing to become our future self. I felt that we lived for the day and everything else was up in the air.
And even living in the now was filled with complaints and dissatisfaction that it was a turn off for me.
After giving myself to you for 11 years, I want rest of the years to fix myself and the way I thing.
I believe at this point I want to be a single guy and Im not looking for another relationship yet, it would be nice but I am older now and trying to achieve things in my life.
I dont think anyone will really want me after a few years.
I will still talk to you and do what I can.
I Dont think you are weak. I feel you lost your way/drive to achieve something. I never doubted your love either. I hope you dont question mine. But love is not the only thing that will help a couple succeed and build an empire. I wanted to create something ( i dont know what). I believed I told you I wanted to have a series of company and a conglomerate enterprise. And I wanted to have a medical supply company. And you mentioned you would have liked to open a middle eastern/indian snack bar on wheels. But neither of us reach out to do anything about it. Though we did not enjoy living in that house, we didn’t do anything to change our situation. We just accepted and griped over it. I was weak and I would look to you to help me guide but you were lost too. I know I say that eventually I will look for someone. TBH how can I promise that I will be the same person that will hold my end of the promise. I would be a different person. I think this is good because we can focus on ourselves and may have something adventurous to talk about in the future. If I think about it, I have been on a break from you and C since 2017 and I think I should have done better. I am sorry for all the sadness I have caused to you and C. i think I have more to say but I am very sleepy now. Good night..”
There a lot more he said. He still talks to me all day discussing what he feels went wrong and even just telling me he misses me while watching YouTube video and while he is eating something special he will text me and say wish he could share it with me. Yesterday he told me how his allergies were bothering him. And when I need his help in advice with money decisions or shopping living my life here (we have been living long distance relationship due his immigration issues since 2017) he still constantly stays on the phone with me and helps me out.
He had stopped talking me so much and rarely even wished me good morning or night. I thought we were falling apart considering he rarely talked or called or FaceTimed. But ever since he broke up I get his text first thing in the morning and he keeps telling me what he’s on about in his day and wants to know whatever I’m doing here.