Posted by MichelleT
MichelleT, woman, hot mess in a dress.
ch wiser than the rest.Posted by d0s3rPosted by P-Angel
By your own admission .. you provoke him.
Then to turn around and cry victim.
Look, there are even people in here talking to you like you're a victim ....
A victim is someone who has no control over the circumstance ... but, here you are pretending to be a victim, nonetheless ..... you should feel ashamed of yourself and perhaps you will when you grow up and think back on this nonsense you're projecting.
i normally love your blunt responses, but here, no.
saying negative things does not merit spit, or any kind of physical abuse.
you shouldn't need to be on guard in a relationship out of fear that you'll trigger the other into hurting you.
we also don't know if the aries was provoked into saying the negative things.click to expand
Posted by shakedown
It would be interesting to see their synastry chart. It is very possible that they both like the drama and "heat." There are people out there that do get off on that sort of stuff. For them, it enhances the sex and makes the relationship (to them) super passionate and exhilarating. After all, she does have a lot of fire. Maybe she needs or likes that sort of thing to keep her inner fire going.
Definitely no judgment here, just being nosy and speculating.
Posted by NatashaNat
"Stage I: Breaking Down the Self
Step 1: Assault on Identity
When somebody is trying to control another, they begin to attack their sense of self, their identity. They start to say things that cause the victim to doubt who they are.
“You are a slut.”
“You are not a good mom.”
“You are ugly, nobody will want you.”
The attacks are repeated consistently for days, weeks and sometimes years. As a result, the victim becomes disoriented, confused, and begins to doubt everything they believed to be true. Eventually the victim will begin to adopt these same beliefs.
The idea of brainwashing is to destroy the old identity and replace it with a new one, one that matches with the beliefs, values and ideas of the manipulator. The effects of an attack on the identity can last long after the victim is no longer in the abusive situation.
Step 2: Establishment of Guilt
Guilt is an effective tactic in mind control and is introduced in different ways. The abuser criticizes the victim for any reason, small or large, and sometimes no reason at all.
“This is your fault.”
“You made me do this.”
The abuser will take a small flaw and embellish it to the extreme. Abusers will shift responsibility for their actions to the victim or justify their behavior by blaming the victim.
“If you wouldn’t have talked back, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”
An abuser will make the victim feel guilty for disagreeing with them or not meeting extremely high expectations.
An abuser may blame the victim for the abuser’s transgressions by making the victim believe they deserved it, or are a result of something the victim did. After the assault on identity, the constant criticisms cause the victim to believe the punishment and mistreatment are warranted.
Guilt can easily turn into shame when it is internalized. Inducing guilt, humiliation and shame destroy confidence and self worth. A victim begins to feel culpable all the time and everything they do or say is wrong. When shame sets in, the victim no longer feels bad about things they’ve done, they begin to feel they are bad.
Step 3: Self-Betrayal
Once a victim is overwhelmed with guilt and shame, they begin to abandon their own needs and make choices that are harmful to their well-being. The victim is bullied into cutting off communication from friends and family who share the same beliefs or behaviors. This is when isolation begins: The abuser believes the victim’s friends and family are a threat to the relationship. The abuser will blame friends or family for problems in the relationship. The victim’s betrayal of their own beliefs and the betrayal of the people to whom they once felt a sense of loyalty increases the feelings of shame and guilt, which further destroys their sense of self. As a result, the more isolated a victim becomes, the more dependent they are on the abuser.
Step 4: Breaking Point
At this point, the victim no longer recognizes themselves, they don’t know who they are any longer. They may have lost their grip with reality. Gaslighting techniques are used to push the victim over the edge. Gaslighting is an attempt by one person to overwrite another’s reality.
“You’re crazy—that never happened.”
“You’re making that up, it’s all in you head.”
The victim is confused and disoriented from gaslighting and from being fed a distorted version of reality. The victim questions themselves constantly and feels like “the crazy one” and/or feels depressed, anxious, traumatized and other negative emotional and physical symptoms like insomnia and paranoia.
Some may call this a “nervous breakdown.” A nervous breakdown is the point of exhaustion reached after an extended period of extreme anxiety. The overwhelming anxiety, depression and stress lead to a sense of hopelessness, helplessness and absolute exhaustion. The victim’s ability to think and reason at this stage is severely compromised and they become temporarily unable to function normally in day-to-day life.
Stage II: Possibility of Salvation
Step 5: Leniency & Opportunity
Just when a victim can literally take no more, the abuser offers leniency. This is when the abuser offers a small act of kindness amid the psychological abuse and the victim feels a deep sense of gratitude completely out of proportion to the deed.
Because the victim’s perception is so skewed, the small act shifts emotions to relief and a sense of admiration. Since these small acts of kindness are so infrequent, the kind gesture is magnified. It can be something as small as offering a glass of water, a hug or a compliment. This can lead to a sense of false hope. It puts the responsibility on the victim to do things better, to try harder, in hopes the acts of kindness will become more frequent.
These unpredictable responses are detrimental to mental well-being, confidence and self-esteem. The abuser can have an extreme reaction one day, and then the next day have the complete opposite reaction. This unpredictability can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety.
Step 6: Compulsion to Confess
The victim is so grateful for the small gesture between abuse and manipulation, they begin to agree with the criticisms. For the first time in the brainwashing process, the victim is faced with the stark contrast between the harsh criticism and abuse, and the relief of leniency.
This is when the victim looks within and tries to find those “evil” parts of themselves and attempts to remove them from every part of their being. This leads directly to their “new” identity. The victim begins to acquire the beliefs and values the abuser has ingrained. At this point, the victim is willing to say anything to recreate those moments of leniency.
Step 7: The Channeling of Guilt
The victim does not know what they have done wrong, they just know they are wrong. They begin to feel guilty for who they are and about the beliefs they’ve held. This creates a blank slate so the abuser can attach the guilt to whatever belief system the abuser is trying to replace. The victim comes to believe it is their belief system that is causing all of the problems; the more they accept the abuser’s way of thinking, the more shame they feel about who they were. Essentially, this is when the victim begins to adopt the new way of thinking and relinquishes their old way of thinking.
Step 8: Releasing of Guilt, Logical Dishonoring
By this stage, the victim has come to believe that they themselves are not bad, but the belief systems they held are wrong, and they can escape that wrongness by completely changing their belief systems. They denounce their former belief system and the people they associated with. They confess to acts associated with their former belief systems. After a full confession, they complete the process of rejecting their former identity. Now, the abuser offers up the new identity.
These tactics are very similar to those used on prisoners of war or members of a cult. In a domestic abuse situation, the brainwashing process becomes a cycle and the steps continue to be repeated. The moment an abuser begins to feel the victim is “slipping from their control,” they will re-assault their identity. This will begin the process all over again. Victims continue to believe in the ideas of their abusers long after they have left the abusive environment. The new belief system has been so deeply rooted, it could take years to change.
There is hope. Abuse thrives only in silence. If you are healing from an abusive relationship, know the most important thing to do is forgive yourself. If you find yourself in this situation, please seek support. An extremely effective way to get out of the darkness of guilt and shame is by shining a light on it. Start talking about it, don’t keep the feelings inside. Shame can only survive in darkness."
ough you sound pretty harsh but I read your your with a very open mind and you're right. I did say something I shouldn't have & I have apologiesd keeping his reaction and behaviour on a side. I have changed too in this time I had to myself. That's the reason why I needed an insight from either someone who's been through something similar or someone wiser who can tell me the best way out of it? Isn't that why we're all ? To help one another?
I took his apology because I did feel if I hadn't pushed him he might never do such a disgusting thing to a girl.right? Maybe I'm not good for him and that's the other reason why I feel I should breakup before we ruin eachother as people.
But I don't understand how to approach this matter. How do I say after 3 months of that incident that Hey I don't feel right about us anymore and I think we need a break? Right now everything is going perfect. It's all in my head.Posted by P-AngelPosted by SattyAries
I did say things to hurt him to spit on my face.
We'd immaturely bring up eachother's past in arguments
I pushed him.
What is your say on his behaviour?
Not only is it ridiculous for you to ask people to comment on his behavior ... it is more ridiculous that you'd embellish this in order to get certain responses for validation ...... because he isn't here to speak on his behalf, and your perception is jaded.
The reality here is that your words are equivalent to talking out of your ass .... since you've only spoke on particular incidents, while attempting to portray his character in its entirety.
But, you are here to speak for yourself, so only YOU can be addressed on your behavior.
For all of those people who have commented or asked why would she still be there .... the answer is quite clear if you comprehend what you are reading. You would find the above in the OP ....
she taunts him, pushes him, and participates in immaturely arguing with him .. she even said that she did do something to cause a spit in the face.
People get what they earn because that is what they deserve through this earning. If you are going to push another person around .. then you should expect to be spit on.
that's how it works. And she clearly stated in here that she realizes that her actions cause him to react to her this way.
It boggles my mind how easily people in here are manipulated into attacking the character of a person who isn't even here to defend himself.click to expand
cap moon.. I can get more earthy and less firey at times. But it's not hard to leave him after his disrespect so I'm wondering how to breakup after 4 months telling him Hey I just thought of that day and I can't be with you anymore cuz it doesn't make me feel good about myself. ?Posted by SeraphlightPosted by DivaCanLeoPosted by starwars
you sure you aren't the pisces and he isn't the aries cuz it sound like it
She is Aries ? Hard to believe!?
I don't think you will feel happy or the way you used to feel about yourself around him. You'll realize.
He might not do it again. They usually do though. It doesn't sound like he has accepted responsibility it sounds like you have taken responsibility for his actions as if you made him do that.
I think you should leave him. But do what I say in my first post.click to expand
Posted by starwars
you sure you aren't the pisces and he isn't the aries cuz it sound like it
Posted by SeraphlightPosted by SattyAries
What is your say on his behaviour?
I want you to sit down. Take some deep breaths.And slowly clear your head a bit. Stop thinking of your feelings for him. Think about something else something pleasant. It could be anything.
Then after a while without getting too emotional. Think about those scenes play them back in your head. But only those no other parts of the relationship. How do they make you feel? You can't cope with this.
You won't survive. You will break down.
Don't listen to the voice in your head diminutizing this.
You will slowly come around to the fact that you are a victim of partner abuse. And it's still upsetting you now. And why shouldn't it?
Whether or not he will do it again, is not the only reason to leave someone. Your dealing with the hurt and trauma. Your soul is finding it hard to heal and is unhappy. A part of you is regretting staying with an energy like his ..because it remembers the way it felt ..when he did that. And him being around you makes you feel this.
I don't know if he will do it again. But i can tell you know ..you'll not get over what he did. He won't be the same to you.click to expand
Posted by AriesJo
Don't understand why so many harsh comments on here, honestly sometimes I think people come on this site just to slag others off.
I had the same with a Libra and I believe it about Libras in general, they are our opposites and we learn a lot from each other. And you seem to be handling it well. If Libras go and come back to you multiple times then it's meant to be a good sign, or so I've read.
If you want to keep it going then maybe think about what you can bring to the relationship, what do you do for him? (ie don't just think about what you get out of it) I'm sure you do things, but what do you teach him?
Don't be an easy challenge for him, depending on why you break up, make sure he knows you are giving him another chance and make him work.
Also close it off, why do you keep breaking up, get rid of obstacles, correct the behaviour, determine the source of the arguments and correct it.
Happy bday for tomorrow.
Posted by rockyroadicecream
I'm sorry, but you're a moron.