Why do they come back?

For those of you who don't remember my old post not too long ago- here's the quick back story. We were friends for 2 months then started "Dating" for 6 months until I found out through his ex that they were still seeing each other.

After that happened I cut him off & told him I am monogamous even when dating, we are not on the same page and that I respect his wants and needs to date others but I can't be apart of it. He was silent. 4 days later he started asking me if I could please talk to him and hear him out over dinner which I did eventually and he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't want to date others, just me, he wants to be on the same page, that he is done with his ex, loves the time he spends with me cooking with me, laughing etc, that he doesn't want to lose that and realizes his mistake he made by lying to me. I followed my heart and decided to give him another chance and spent some time with him before he went on a month long trip to Thailand (which he contacted me everyday and constantly told me he missed me). When he comes back he's distant again! When I finally see him again, he introduces me to some family but later on that day he leaves his phone in the car and It beeps and I glance over and its a message from a girl on a dating website. WTF. Now I feel I'm in the same position all over again! He knows that I know about the dating website bc I approached him about it and decided to cut him off AGAIN and he has been contacting me since and deleted his dating account. Why say you want to be with me and make such an effort then do the opposite?

I love my space also so I have always given him lots and lots of it bc its been quite easy for me. I had decided to just bring up the distance to him recently bc I had a moment where I was like "wait does he really like me or am I imagining this?". My best friend of 11 years is an Aqua and the same for me and her. We can talk everyday for a week and then she can go silent bc she's busy and it wont bother me. I just haven't dealt with a male aqua until now so I suppose bc there's feelings involved I'm taking it more to heart.

Honestly, I would simply repeat what you said about monogamy in relationships, tell him it isn't OK with you that he's being contacted by other women, that because of your recent past you don't trust that he's not reciprocating with other women, and cut contact. Until he's ready and able to tell you that he's ready to commit, this will keep on happening. Better to cut it off now then end up having to do it later, because it WILL happen.

He needs to come right out and tell you clearly that he wants you and only you. He will do that if he's ready, but only if you cut him off for a while.

I think that's great advice @sultrykitty . I told him about 3 days ago when he reached out again that I wish I could trust him based on what recently happened and the past. He asked if I wanted him to leave me alone and I told him to do what makes him happy and he didn't respond to that directly. Hwe just texted me random things to try to start a conversation so obviously he wants me in his life but wont commit fully? I tend to retreat back into my shell and go incommunicado when I'm hurt so I guess that's what i'll do.

I went through this for 10 years with my Aquaman. When I cut it off, he knew I was done. I just couldn't anymore. I fully intended to keep doing me without him, and he didn't try to contact me. Whereas before, wr would break up and then get back together a week or two later.

I made it clear to him that I loved him but just didn't want to live like that anymore and would rather not have anything to do with him. I think it was the way I said it rather than what I said...I was just OVER it and he made clear that he understood.

We intended to get back in touch in a year to see if there was anything still between us besides friendship but he contacted me 3 months later. Other circumstances in my life had occurred right at the time he called, so I think our relationship was sort of fated because he committed to our relationship and we haven't looked back.

Can't say that amuo6ne else's situation would be similar, but I know if I hadn't been ready to walk permanently, he probably would've happily continued with me the way it was.

But he has pursued me for a year now and has fought for me in the past when I walked away. IDK as I sit here I'm teeter-tottering on whether to text him saying either that I want him to leave me alone and to give me things back that I left at his apartment OR not doing anything and maintaining no contact. He actually put back up his dating profile today. My blood is just BOILING but I do feel the best course of action is to not send any angry texts and just let things be. UGHHHHHH.

But goshdarnit I want my stuff back.

I would go no contact. He may be trying to get a rise out of you, and contacting him for your things just perpetuates the drama.

Literally just don't care. Afte a month or three, then ask him if you can pick up your stuff. If he hasn't given you any indication that he wants to be committed you during the N/C period, then you'll know it's over and at that point, neither one of you will probably care that it is.

Or you could make him jimp through some hoops and loops to reassure you of his commitment. Like leaving his phone with you overnight or something.

I doubt he would go for that but if he did then you'd know he's not hiding anything.

He has done this thing in the past and more recently when he knows he messed up a little where he will ask me some dumb question like "where is that bakery that makes the best cake?" after a couple of days of no contact. Just stupid questions and I usually answer bc I'm just nice like that (and a little weak). What do I say when he tries to do that again? Would that be a good time for me to be like umm give me my stuff back so he knows im seriously not fucking around?

If he actually doesn't do that, then your advice sounds great. I will wait a good month and right before his bday in Feb I'll ask him to drop off my things in front of my house so I don't even have to see him.

Posted by jayrose
He has done this thing in the past and more recently when he knows he messed up a little where he will ask me some dumb question like "where is that bakery that makes the best cake?" after a couple of days of no contact. Just stupid questions and I usually answer bc I'm just nice like that (and a little weak). What do I say when he tries to do that again? Would that be a good time for me to be like umm give me my stuff back so he knows im seriously not fucking around?

If he actually doesn't do that, then your advice sounds great. I will wait a good month and right before his bday in Feb I'll ask him to drop off my things in front of my house so I don't even have to see him.

If it's a text, it's easy enough to ignore. I'm nice like that too, but my Aqua and I went through this befire everyone has cell ohine and texting hadn't even been invented yet (God I sound old, lol) so he callwd me after 3 months. I didn't ecwn know it was him. Things played out differently than they probably would've under normal circumstances but the opportunity was there for hi to step up and he did.

In your case, you have to be ready to let him go and for it to be over. If you are, ignoring will be easy. If not, then you have to decide if you'll answer or not.

I would run scenarios through your head so that you're prepared for whatever might happen. You pretty much know what he's going to do and how he's going to react, so have your own responses already decided so that you don't repeat behavior that will put you back at square one.