Aries male. having a horrible time

I'm kind of new at this, been looking into my sign. wow, that makes sense. but I'm struggling. Ive been through just about every emotion possible, anger, lost, depressed(in which I hate that feeling by the way) intense anger, oh did I mention anger? with me I have learned to control my anger but I cant hide how I'm like an animal in the woods so quiet just waiting to hear the snap of a twig and it will set me off, lose it rage out break everything in site, but I fight it and keep quiet the quiet is what scares me. brief history and please all those who know the sign of Aries and understand it please respond.

I'm in my 30's in my early 20's I had my first daughter amazing she was, my child hood was tough but my parents I loved so deeply especially my father, my hero he was a drinker but not a mean drinker calm but quiet he didn't tell you how to do things he should you he was old school short story we found out he had bad diabetes and sucrose's of the liver, took him to hospital he had no insurance they made him wait never once did he say he was scared I asked him dad are you scared? said yes I'm scared, my fearless hero scared? not good, he started bleeding from the mouth we asked a nurse for help nurse replied I'm busy helping...before he finished I looked at my father his eyes rolled in the back of his head, and he was gone, I watched my superman pass right in front of me that was 13 years ago, 2 words...hate and anger consumed me, and I shut down....fast forward to last month, my mother who was diagnosed with polio a Capricorn went through every pain you can imagine in ones life but kept fighting myself and my brothers were taught to protect thy mother and we did, march 3rd 2017 the night prior my mom told me I'm so proud of you, you never gave up your so sweet but yet so angry stop being so angry. ok mom is what I last said. at 930am march 3rd she was going to dr's the driver and god forgive me my most idiotic selfish no good niece she cut off a car driving straight while she turned left.....the passenger side door was caved in destroyed no other driver side no scratch no where else, no scratch on niece my mother?........passed away, I sped to hospital fully raged I could not find where she was, causing a scene we did not know she passed was just told there was a accident. they finally took us in that special room for bad news....I don't remember being told she did not make it, my brothers said I dropped to the floor they said I made screaming sounds that they never heard before, they said I repeatedly screamed I cant do this again, I don't remember it till I was sitting in a chair and a nice older woman forcing me to drink apple juice, they apologized for the police they said there here for me, I said why I did nothing wrong, they said it looked like I could tare the place apart.....so here I am, I live in the past playing it over and over like a broken record, I tried therapist but I don't like being told how I'm feeling or what to do....sometimes I can find peace but it does not last long. so I looked through the aries sign....fear of losing people someone with aries experience can you please help me sort this out....