Advice to move from FWB to Relationship

I would like advice on how can I get myself out of the fwb zone and into him seeing me as something more. I realize that I can't totally yank sex off the table because that to me seems manipulative because it is giving an ultimatum of relationship or no sex. I am pretty sure he doesn't know how I feel about him anymore. I am scared to death to tell him. So how can I make this more obvious without chasing him?

Posted by Koniucha
I suppose tell him that you have developed feelings for him and how does he feel about you.

I am so scared because the last time I did that a few months ago, the dynamics of the relationship changed for the worse which caused me to walk away. We didn't speak for 5 weeks but now we have been talking and hooking up again for the past 3 months.

If you can't tell him and handle the outcome, then you're trying to manipulate him.

In my experience with my Cancer guy (the only one I've ever known), honestly and straight upness is the best and only way. Tell him what you want, otherwise he will go on indefinitely the way things are now. If you are not okay with that, you're screwed.

They are intuitive, but they are not mind readers.

@pheynxbull876

True but my issue is he never wants to speak on the phone. He has been a heavy texter since we met. All of our fights and feelings of caring for each other have been expressed through text. Do I just wait for face to face to tell him again? We usually meet up for booty every other weekend.

Posted by phEnyxBull876
If you can't tell him and handle the outcome, then you're trying to manipulate him.

In my experience with my Cancer guy (the only one I've ever known), honestly and straight upness is the best and only way. Tell him what you want, otherwise he will go on indefinitely the way things are now. If you are not okay with that, you're screwed.

They are intuitive, but they are not mind readers.

Posted by phEnyxBull876
If you can't tell him and handle the outcome, then you're trying to manipulate him.

In my experience with my Cancer guy (the only one I've ever known), honestly and straight upness is the best and only way. Tell him what you want, otherwise he will go on indefinitely the way things are now. If you are not okay with that, you're screwed.

They are intuitive, but they are not mind readers.

click to expand

+1
OP, I asked my bf (who is cancer) about this. He says he'd want to know what you can bring to the table besides sex? See, cancers look for stability and intellect in their relationships too. Are your conversations meaningful? Do you like children? Are you ambitious?

Can you change that— Possibly. If he really does like you, then do the following and see what the reaction will be:
1. Refrain from having sex with him; tell him that you want your relationship with him to deepen and become closer.
2. Stick to your guns. Meaning no sex with him nor anyone else until you get the answer you are looking for (answer being if he wants to create a bond with you, or just screw you).
3. NEVER EVER tell him or ANY man what you do with another man. That is a known NO-NO in the dating world!
4. Express to him that you would like some consistency moving forward. Meaning he calls you more often, you two plan dates in advance, etc...
5. Always remember, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!! Never judge cancer man off of what he says, but what he does. If he really likes you and takes you seriously, then you will see a significant change. If not, then nothing will change and you'll know that you need to move on.

Good Luck 🙂

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I sent this to you on your other thread about this cancer dude. I see you don't follow directions well.

That is really good for me to think about. He knows I am family oriented. We are both single parents with shitty ex spouses. We actually bond a lot opening up about our ex spouses because they have so much in common. He is exteemely protective of his children. Which is why we haven't had our kids meet yet. I think he wanted to see if I would stick around for a year or longer first.

We do have deep talks. Both via text but mostly after having sex when we just lay there.

Posted by TruePisces5

+1
OP, I asked my bf (who is cancer) about this. He says he'd want to know what you can bring to the table besides sex? See, cancers look for stability and intellect in their relationships too. Are your conversations meaningful? Do you like children? Are you ambitious?

@truepieces5

I am ambitious. I am in school right now in a pretty intense program and he is very supportive of that. He is always telling me it will be worth it.

I was rereading my text thread I have with him and I did notice some boo boos I made back in September. One time he made a comment how someday I will find my "body builder man" and I responded with "well just as long as he weight lifts" and I realized he was maybe looking for reassurance and instead I made it even more obvious he isn't who I want because he doesn't weight lift. ?

Posted by Geminihope
@cancergoddess
I appreciate your advice but I disagree with the sex aspect. I think that is manipulative to remove that part of the relationship to force him into an actual relationship. I do think I just need to incorporate more activities outside of the bedroom though.

The only reason why you disagree is because you know just like every one else knows that sex is the only thing he wants you for. You are a FWB. A hopeless FWB that secretly wants a relationship with a man who only wants you for sex. You figure, if you don't give him what he wants, you will lose him. Sorry to burst your bubble, but from the looks of it, you didn't have him to begin with. You lost him at "I slept with my ex" which in his mind reads, "S-L-U-T".

Have some self-respect for once and treat yourself how you want to be treated. Keep giving up the cookie and you'll get nowhere with this cancer guy. You are a 38 year old booty call. Damn near 40 years old and you are still playing childish games. GTFOH.

If you're trying to move beyond FWB and if that's all you guys do (no going out, spending QT)...then maybe you should cut back on sex. How else will he be able to see that there's other great qualities to you? It's not manipulation, if you truly want to be more than a booty call.

Also, try having a face to face convo. So many things can be misinterpreted through texting. Let him know how you feel. If he doesn't respond the way that you want or he falls back, then you'll know not to waste your time any longer.

Posted by saggyrl
If you're trying to move beyond FWB and if that's all you guys do (no going out, spending QT)...then maybe you should cut back on sex. How else will he be able to see that there's other great qualities to you? It's not manipulation, if you truly want to be more than a booty call.

Also, try having a face to face convo. So many things can be misinterpreted through texting. Let him know how you feel. If he doesn't respond the way that you want or he falls back, then you'll know not to waste your time any longer.

+1

@saggryl yea I think I can try and cut back the sex and just try to get him to want to hang out for more than sex again. We used to do more things like movies and dinner dates but things changed. I guess I should just try and make it less sexual and maybe try throwing curve balls by asking to do something instead of engaging in sexual talk or meeting up. He is so indirect!

Sad part is that she told him how she felt and he fell back from her already. She clearly doesn't get that he isn't interested in anything more than just a friendship with sex. But for her, the only way she will find that out is to hold back on opening her legs. She refuses to do that tho, smh.

Yup! I agree with everything said here... Try to incorporate going out (dates) with meeting up for booty so it can naturally morph into a relationship... But also try to find out if he is open to a relationship. Whether he agrees to go out for dinner, movies, whatever can tell you a lot where you stand. Also, check out his body language with you( look at where he points his body/ feet) when with you....

Posted by Geminihope

Posted by Koniucha
I suppose tell him that you have developed feelings for him and how does he feel about you.

I am so scared because the last time I did that a few months ago, the dynamics of the relationship changed for the worse which caused me to walk away. We didn't speak for 5 weeks but now we have been talking and hooking up again for the past 3 months.

click to expand

So you already have told him, things got worse, then he was agreeable to sleeping together again?

I don't think you're going to be able to move from FWB to relationship. He's already got it in his head that you're just FWB.