cancer guys-question for you about sex /affection

ok, me aries, husband cancer....

aries tend to be bubbly, lively, chatty, fun, affectionate and like to spar a bit, love sex alot, and often. that's me. my typical behaviour is labeled bubbly. i give him lot's of affection and initiate sex often. and, he is often rather distant and aloof by turns. not always, but often. odd.

so, last week he turned me down for sex several times citing different reasons and i got a bit put out. so, i figure, fine. you can't give me affection, i'm not giving you what you seem to need excessive amounts of. cuddly stuff and constant propping of your ego. sigh. soooo, what happens? he's all over me. he's hugging me, smootching me, telling me endlessly how beautiful i am, how in love with me he is, looking searchingly into my eyes. courting me like a house on fire. WTF?? i give him love and he disappears, i turn neutral and he's crazy about me? and no, i'm not being mean, i'm being pleasant, engaging on occasion, and normal but with no physical contact, no sexual content and no lovey dovey talk. i'm mystefied by this. now, he tells me that i'm beautiful all the time, and he tells me he loves me frequently. but the level of ardor has ramped up so much that he's almost the "C" word. (starts with a cling, ends with an eeee!) hell, he's not much of a hand holder, and he's grabbing my hand every day now.
what's up guys, any enlightenment about what's going thru the mind here?

I'm not a male but I'll offer what I think if you don't mind. It sounds like he might be cheating on you. We are highly sexed and want it all the time from the person we love and if another partner comes into play we usually back up from one while messing with the other. With him now being all lovey dubby is probably him thinking you know what he's doing and you're getting the idea of leaving him. He doesn't want that. If he want to end things with you he wants to be the one who does it. But yeap seem like he's getting it somewhere else and sense you started acting flaky he had to get things back right at home because he still want whats at home for now.

i see one of two things..he either realized that he might have hurt your feelings by the way you started treating him and now he is over doing it or two he realized you started pulling back and that worried him so again he is over doing it..i think since yall are married you should just ask him. there shouldn't be any reason you couldn't ask him why the change of heart but of course ask in a non threatening way..

Redheadgurl- Seems to me there is something else going on in his life that is troubling him. I'm not thinking another girl, but something. Perhaps something in his career? Perhaps something that would threaten his manhood or his ability to take care of you? I with Cansir on this one, just go straight up and ask him? You guys are married and there is no need to play games or let your mind run wild. Often times our imagination and reality are so far apart. Usually imagination is far worse than the reality. This can be the death of a relationship or in your case marrige. Communication is the key.

If you approach him in a sensitive manner, you will probably get to the bottom of this quickly. Maybe there is something going on and he needs your support? You said "I do" so stand by him!

Be there and be straight up! Beleive you me, you do not want to get divorced, it is pain beyond comprehension!

David

aces is right there is something else going on and like him i agree it probably isn't another woman. i know when i am very stressed or worried i start pulling back into my shell and my libido sometimes takes a hit. my exwife used to get upset cause i sometimes would not want to have sex but it was because i was stressed out from working and going to school and tired beyond comprehension. it wasn't that i loved her any less but i am sure that is what she thought..

Oh sorry misread - "i give him lot's of affection and initiate sex often."

Disregard my comments.

I think it is just a man thing Redheadgurl. Men don't always engage in love like we want them to as women. Sometimes, they need a break to regenerate, esp Cancer men. That is why is hard for some women to relate to the "space" that these men need to gather their thoughts together. That is just part of being a man, his being, and I know we LOVE our men to be close to us alot but they need time to themselves. Just give him his space and freedom, I am sure he will be initiating sex and affection back to you when the mood is right. I would suggest you just don't try to CONVINCE him to feel any different right now or he may get more distant. Just some suggestions that have worked for me, it is worth a try but may not work for everyone.

ok, interesting. and very appreciated. i will tell you now, i have absolutely no worries about cheating. we've just reached our one year anniversary, and in typical cancer fashion he and i spend most of our time together. there is no doubt of his fidelity. i realize that men are human and not machines who can have sex even if they're bleeding from their eyes. i get that. and yes, he seems to be more volatile than other guys on this one, his sex drive is influenced by many factors. mine is more constant and stable. my question was really about why he would become so much more "into" me if i become cooler to him. if i remove, without hysteria, the physical affection part of the equation. it just seems so odd to me. we're still doing our usual things, hanging out together and all, but i'm just not treating him like he's a sex god now.
and trust me, he's affectionate usually. every day he tells me he loves me, hugs and cuddles with me. he seems to need that alot. but the more i pull back, the stronger this behaviour becomes. just wondered about why. and i'm not playing games so much as puzzling over this behaviour. i'm human too, and i can't help but respond in some way to rejection. oh, and as for just coming out and asking him.......um, cancer male. i'm not gonna get a straight answer on motivations and machinations ANYway, so no, i'm not going to bother. he'll only admit the truth about things with regard to emotional manipulation sporadically . YOU guys should know THAT! deep well of frickin' secrets.

Why can't he just not want it? Don't be mean to him hell that's your husband.
You Aries tend to over analyze things a bit to much, just go with the flow and stop sweating him. He'll come around and who knows he may surprise you. I let my cancer guy be him he's up one minute and down the next but so am I.

ok, i know we do overanalyze. i'm a cerebral creature. what can i say. and he may be my husband, but i'm also not the sort to just deal with any behaviour anyone cares to throw at me. for close companions, i have expectations of comportment. that's the way i am and yes, i do sweat some things. and i sweat him on them a bit. however, i think that's actually part of why he likes me, oddly enough. he's told me so. having said all that, i understand that some people have different mood swings. i tend to be fairly level most of the time with only the occassional significant low. so i find his volatile nature hard to live with sometimes. i manage, and often just shrug and put in my ipod and go about my biz and he comes back around. but when the weird lasts for a week, well, it gets on my nerves.
whether you believe in astrology or not, i think cancer/aries is just a more challenging match is all. and for the first time i'm beginning to question whether we can maintain a relationship for the long term. not trying to be fatalistic, just giving it some honest, serious thought. i'll just weather this storm and see where the boat goes i guess!

Well again, Redheadgurl,

I remember when you first started posting! Well I will guess this situtation goes back to astrology and the characteristics of fire, water signs. Remember, water signs don't like to feel contained and fires signs don't like to feel captured.

You have to just give him his space. Yes, this CAN burn out your spirit quite a bit, especially because you love to share and give but you want the same in return when YOU want it, and at that time your Cancer man may not be in the mood to give back to you.

In my experience with dealing with a Cancer man, it is BEST that you give him his space. Create just as much space as HE creates and while he is off sulking just be into YOU. Do things that you enjoy doing and have a happy life. At times you won't include him in on things because he wants he "space". It could be a great long term relationship if you keep in mind that your husband needs his "space". Yes, it may seem as he is neglecting you, but once he comes out of that shell, he will be back to his normal self again, and the fire will continue to spark, if you don't take his alone time personal. This has worked in MY experience, but I admit, it can wear you out emotionally.

If you pick up EXTRA hobbies and not let it bother you, he will notice and want to fit into your new life.

i hear you krobe, i totally do. the actual fact is, HE'S the one who doesn't want to often do things seperate. good lord, do you know how many times i've urged him to go off with the boys, etc....? nope. his instant reaction is that we need to be together. period. when he's "in his shell" he doesn't want me straying too far away then either. he has a very passive form of clingyness usually. i just never realized it. sigh. no, if i gently try to disengage, he usually gets his feelings hurt. hell, on evenings like that, i'll earphone up and play computer games, etc. as an aries, i actually enjoy going off on my own. but he still pouts sitting there in the living room as tho I'M shutting HIM out. i kind of can't win. last nite, i MADE him, sort of tricked him, into going out with some friends. i went and hung out with my buddy. then i met up with him and the guys for a bit, and left when i wanted. we both had a good time, did what felt right for each of us for the evening and he got to bond with his boys. hell, he got rather twisted at the pub which he rarely does. we're not big drinkers. he needed to blow off some steam, but i was in a different place. it worked. then, we talked and worked some of this out. i addressed the issues and realized he was seeing things from a very different perspective. it's always funny to me how two people who are so close don't see the same thing at all. he is often quite mystefied as to how i come to my feelings and conclusions. as he was under the influence, i was able to keep him from resorting to his usual emotional manipulation and verbal acrobatics putting it all back on me, and we had a very deep conversation about alot of things. while we're not there yet, i woke to his ardor and found myself much more receptive than i had been for weeks. we're getting better.

Wonderful to read red. Im actually figuring with the Cancer guy Im talking to, we DONT have a very good understanding of one another, but we have a wonderful flow and easy understanding in conversation. The worse thing we can do is guess what the other person is thinking or feeling and the best thing we can do is talk about it, but because that bares the risk of finding out something we might not want to know we just try to figure out on our own (to eliminate the hurt) what the other person is thinking; which is entirely counter-productive. I'd say giving it time, but when the time presents itself moving forward and initiating (firmly) open honest clarifying conversation like you did is the best thing to do. Be positive and decide now that you will always do what it takes to make it work!

nice right back atcha sweetestF. yeah. i have to mention too, we don't have the typical life of two US people. we live in rather extraordinary circumstances. we have stressors and issues that go beyond two people living in suburban America. i mostly really enjoy our life, but again, living in a foreign country, doing the things we do, it creates an atmosphere that often exacerbates the challenges. the rewards tho are much greater too. so when personality roadblocks crop up, i can't resort to my usual running away. i have had to reach deep inside to find tools to deal with problems. stress. being here has forced me to work thru things for the first time in my life. him too but in a different way. he's faced with a strong woman who WON'T yell and get hysterical and will only talk things thru logically, calmly and at the "right time." i won't be rushed, or allow him to turn it ugly, as is his wont. i won't put up with his emotional manipulation and cruelty when he feels stung. nah. this is hard sometimes. moreso for me i realize after last nite. i am struggling over things he isn't and his feelings for me and his confidence in our relationship are more stable and certain. i think he was stunned and very hurt by this realization. again tho, we're trying.

Good luck. Many people think you solve confrontation by running way when really you solve it by meeting it head on and working through it. Yall are going through changes, but changes are more often good than not. You said it,when you work through it the rewards are abundant.

emotional manipulation and verbal acrobatics putting it all back on me, and we had a very deep conversation about alot of things. Yeah, Redheadgurl, I find this Cancer man tactic pretty amusing myself, LOL! What's up with the guilt trips and the emotional manipulation.

Do you also experience the "you do me so wrong, you treat me so bad?" manipulative tactics or emotional blackmail, is what I call it. It seems to me that if you try to please the Cancer male, he resists EVERYTHING, but when you quit trying to please him, you treat him so bad, you hurt him so much, dayum this man will run your brain cells ragged won't he. LOL!

ooooooooooh yeah!! oh my god you so have that right krobe. it ALWAYS gets put back on me. and running brain cells ragged is the perfect description for it. i'm pretty nimble, mentally, but this guy just confounds me everytime. whoa. THAT'S why i just launched into a discussion while he was tipsy!! he just couldn't do it as effectively. ha. you can never win an argument or discussion with one of these guys. ahhhh, but i've had to deal with the pouting yesterday. he sure stepped up for the romance part tho ;-P

we'll see what today brings.

it ALWAYS gets put back on me. LOL! Yeah, Redheadgurl, it ALWAYS gets put back on me too. LOL! I will say, hey, what did I do? And he will describe everything he did, but put it back on me trying to make me feel guilty like it is MY fault he did what he did! I find it so amusing.

PS, and Redheadgurl, does that whining not win your heart? LOL! I LOVE it when a man whines to me. It just melts my heart.

does that whining not win your heart?

ha. how funny is that? never heard that one before. actually, he doesn't whine all that much. nope, mine pouts. chin goes up, eyes off to the side, clearly indignant look adorning that face. whew. it's coming off of him in waves. i just sigh and wonder how long till i'm back in the good books. nah, what get's me are those eyes. those huge, big round brown eyes swimming with emotion and looking at me with beeseeching tenderness. all limpid with love and that unspoken need to be needed and loved. i have never seen anyone other than cancers who have the balls to look at you like that. it's hypnotic. i love the endless touching too, just the little caresses and gently, almost gossamer strokes to remind me silently that he loves me. ah well, watcha gonna do. can't leave 'em, can't shoot 'em. i DO love my guy. it's just been a rough two weeks. funny thing of it was, he didn't even realize we were actually having a rough week for the first one!! ha! now, that's just a male and female thing right there..........