Help me understand Cancer women...

Hello everyone,

Long time lurker, first time poster here, so go easy on me 🙂

Short version: I'm in the early stages of (what I thought) was a budding relationship with a woman I met through professional connections nearly a year ago. When we first met, we certainly 'clicked' on a casual level, but I did not take it any further because (A) She was in a relationship and (B) the nature of our 'working' situation dictates that any kind of personal/intimate involvement is frowned upon.

I'm a Taurus Sun, Virgo moon... unfortunately no idea what my rising sign is as I've never been able to determine my exact time of birth (there's a good chance it's Leo, though; She is a Cancer Sun, Leo moon.

For a long time we simply chatted on a friendly level, and I never considered taking it further, for the reasons I gave above. However, over time, we began to talk more and more our conversations have grown deeper and more personal, and she has opened up to me a lot about her life and family and such. Eventually, as one would expect, she started talking a bit about her current long-term relationship and the fact that she is unhappy (I asked her this straight out after a number of offhanded comments she made regarding the topic, and I was surprised at how candid her answer was). We have been emailing each other almost daily, even on the days/nights when we didn't actually talk face to face. Keep in mind, however, that in trying to be respectful and courteous of the fact that she is involved with someone, I made no romantic overtures to her of ANY kind over the past year, and only very recently have we ALLUDED to the fact that we are developing 'feelings' for each other... although we both know that this is something that's been growing for a while. I think the most significant thing that I have said to her (last week, incidentally) was that I am attracted to her, and she smiled and said that I'd already told her as much in different words. However, we've not pushed further at this point, even though she's unhappy in her relationship, and I do not want to pressure her or scare her off, nor do I want to confuse her - although I guess she is already plenty confused at this point.

But now, this past week, I haven't heard from her at all. The longest we were out of touch previously was a day or two. Is this the 'pulling away' I hear about? Can some Cancerian women give me some insight here? Advice?

Thanks 🙂

advice....i am still trying to figure out how/why you think something is there?

1. she's in a relationship, happy or not, she's not doing anything about it
2. you mention that you're attracted to her and instead of returning the flattery she says she you've already made that clear
3. she pulls back after you tell her your feelings

my dear taurus...me thinks you might have scared your crabtress away to the safety of her shell. has she ever mentioned directly that she has feelings towards you other than friendship? please say yes or the answer to your question will be that you've been friendzoned.

Thanks for the replies.

@Acrab: What exactly is a "Shit Hawk," if you don't mind me asking?

@Jynja..that's exactly what I was wondering about, that sort of thing. And you're right, there could be other reasons as well (hopefully nothing serious, God forbid).

@Wineauxisback: You ask a fair question. When I was writing my post I didn't realize at first that there was a 2,500 word limit (!) so I didn't really get into detail or throw everything in that's been said. Anyway... aside from the steady stream of flirting (which, it should be said, never crosses the line too far into "sexual" territory, at least not out loud) She's said quite a bit to me that made me realize there was more than "friend" feelings being engendered: from "I've never met/known anyone like you before in my life" to "I don't think you understand the effect you have on me" to some of the things she's written to me - telling me in one of our recent email exchanges that being with me is like 'basking in the sun' (yes, she used those words). And as far as her current relationship, she's admitted that she's not sure what she's going to do yet (that much I expected from a Cancerian woman, from what I've read about them) but she has said in the past that I have opened her eyes to a lot of things that she can't ignore anymore. And so on.

I have never really known a Cancer woman before which is why I'm trying to understand what makes them withdraw, if that is in fact what she is doing. As a Taurus, I'm really only good at moving in one direction: straight ahead 🙂 but my understanding is that the crab isn't like that at all... and that's ok - I can certainly adapt to that in another - but I do wonder what the mental/emotional motivations for the withdrawal usually are.

okies...got it. i just recently dealt with something similar with my best friend and a male crab. he basically mimicked everything your crab said to you...inclusive of being in a failed relationship. it was intoxicating to hear such things...she was mesmerized. but as soon as she started being direct with him, he disappeared. that was in july. two weeks ago he sees her and he's all twitterpainted again. the divorce is final, he misses her, all of it. she reluctantly listens and wills him another chance only to be friendzoned a week later and nursing some serious wounds. all of those emotions and mental connections were there, he just wasn't capable of following through on them because of the failure/demise of his last relationship. if she's anywhere near the mindset of feeling as if she failed this relationship, she's not in a place to build one 😢

what i am trying to get at is that you need to tread lightly here. it's easy to be captivated by words and emotions...the ultimate goal though is to be captivated by ACTIONS. my advice is to side step a bit and follow her lead. don't press anything, in fact, i would shelve any further talk of your feelings until she overtly shows you hers.

oh...and per the inkernets (a term i was also not familiar with):

Shite-hawk (also spelled shitehawk) or shit-hawk or shitty hawk[1] is a slang name applied to various birds of prey that exhibit scavenging behaviour, originally and primarily the Black Kite, although the term has also been applied to other birds such as the Herring Gull. It is also a slang derogatory term for an unpleasant person.

@wineauxisback - thanks for the info, and I am of the same mind as you on this. I've been handling this situation with kid gloves for a while but I do think it is a good idea to dial it back even more and let her decide what she is going to do with her own life and figure out what she wants. There's no rush and no pressure; and if she sets boundaries in the future I am certainly going to honor them; at the end of the day this situation is in her hands moreso than in mine.

And I appreciate you clarifying the "shithawk" thing. I get it now - 'aCrab' is just being a silly prick. Thanks!

Posted by squeeflee
when I met the man who made me realize that I could do better. Turns out, I can also do considerably better than that man, as well.

lmao! sorry... that was just so funny to me

@Shadow guy.. It also took a friendship to open my eyes to the fact I needed to leave my LTR. It made me realize I needed to be alone.. and for quite some time.

My advice is to keep it friendly and yes.. BE CAREFUL

Excellent recommendations all around. Thanks all.

@Squeeflee: I'm sorry that the new guy turned out to be a bust. Some Taurus guys can be such interminable jerks (I don't know if the second guy you mentioned was also a Taurus or not), and I can testify to this just from observing some of my friends' behaviors over the years, not to mention my own father (but that's another story). And you're bang-on about the whole jumping-from-one-relationship-into-another thing; that's probably the biggest danger here. Nobody wants to be the rebound guy; even if, like you described, it's the presence of that new person in someone's life that becomes the catalyst for looking at the current relationship in a new light.

@Shellshocker: Friendly and careful is definitely how I am going to approach this going forward. The last thing on earth that I want to do is pressure her, or try to "lead" her in an emotional direction she's not ready for, or scare her off. She's certainly different from anyone I've ever been involved with previously (my previous relationships were with a Virgo (just O.K.), two Leos (oy vey, the clash of egos!), one Libra (wonderful, but I know they're not all like that) one Aries (oy vey, the fights we had) an Aquarius (the longest relationship I've ever had - figure *that* one out) and most recently a Saggitarius (a good person, but she had very different ideas of a "committed" relationship than I did). That was two years ago; I've stayed single since, barring the occasional 'date.'

I've also dated two Taurus women. One of them was very warm, kind, honest and gentle, but (as funny as this is going to sound) I think that we brought out the most "boring" parts of each other, which is a criticism I've heard leveled at Taureans often. The other Taurus woman I dated turned out to be so selfish, superficial, abrasive, dishonest, and self-centered, I almost couldn't believe we shared the same birthday (literally).

I don't mind giving this Cancer woman all the space and time she needs for herself and her own life; it's a very, very complicated situation and it could turn out to be a wonderfully positive experience or it could degenerate into an utter disaster. If there's any saving grace, it's that neither of us are kids; she's in her mid-30s and I'm early 40s, and both of us have had enough experience with past relationships to know that we need to handle this like adults.

But if this is how Cancerian women are... you all are quite the enigma 🙂

Any updates?

Hi LunarMaiden — sorry, I just saw this now??_my bad. 😛

Anyhow: I wish I could say that things were improving??_ but unfortunately they??re not. I have, of late, been getting very mixed signals from the lovely Cancer lady. It's like our communication — our writings, mostly, but also our conversations to an extent — were building to a sort of head, and then out of nowhere the bottom fell out of it all. To be honest, it felt like she was withdrawing from me, but that's what I'm unsure of, because she might have just been waiting for me to pursue her more aggressively or something (but I DON??T want to assume that, which is one reason I'm posting here, of course). The other evening we had a conversation where we did sort of broach the topic of feelings, hers and mine; but one thing I have noticed about her is that while she will talk about her feelings - and their implications (making comments to me like —Here I was, just living my life and everything was fine and normal, and then you came along and —bam?? you turned everything upside down??) — she won't specifically state what her feelings actually *are.*

She DID say a couple of things that stood out and confused me even more, though. For one, she said that her feelings about me are dynamic and complex and —changeable;?? I actually took this as a positive, because I interpreted it to mean that it's not just blind infatuation; but I could be wrong and maybe it was actually a bad sign. Sigh. She's also told me several times that I shouldn't spend so much of my energy thinking about her and that I should be focusing on —other things.?? She also said she's afraid of hurting me or being an impediment or detriment in my life. She has also questioned the veracity of my feelings for her; at times she seems to believe that a lot of what I —think?? I feel for her is just an outcome of circumstances and the kind of working relationship we have, and so forth... (Continued below)

I can't tell if she's trying to push me away because she truly wants to (perhaps because she is deeply frightened of the possible repercussions for her personal and professional life — and understandably so) or if she is in fact —testing?? me somehow, to see if I??ll stick around or keep pursuing her or shut her out or whatever (that was a possibility that a friend of mine made when I described her behavior??_ that it's some kind of a test, unconscious or otherwise). Of course the other possibility is that she just doesn't feel the way I thought she felt (about me).
Yet, if you had read the things she had written to me just a few short weeks ago, you would have thought that this was a girl who was on the edge of falling in love.

I have never known a Cancer woman before in my life. I have never dated one or even had a close friendship with one (with the exception of a cousin of mine but we??re not all that close). Therefore I don't really know how to interpret her words/actions in the context of her personality type. Are they fickle? Do their true emotions genuinely change so quickly, or is it just the —moodiness?? that I??ve heard so many people mention? And if so, is that what I am experiencing from her as her emotions get stronger? I myself have been making an attempt to give her space over the past two weeks or so (she commented the other night that she noticed I haven't been writing to her as much as I was). Was it a mistake for me to do that? Will she only respond, then, if I continue to be the —initiator— Or is it her own insecurities and fears that are causing her to pull into her shell, if in fact that is what is happening?

Please understand that this is new territory for me in terms of dynamics. You know what Taurus people like: very straightforward, say-what-you-mean & mean-what-you-say (well, most of the time); we??re not good with ambiguity and we??re crappy at things like inference, intuition and abstract cognition. So, yeah, I'm confused. I don't want to do the wrong thing, but the emotional energy between (and around) us is so freaking electrically charged at this point that it's almost exhausting. And it makes me yearn for at least one solid piece of information that I could use as an anchor in the storm, so to speak.

One other thought: It's also possible that something happened, behind the scenes, in her personal life; something she's not told me about, which could be the real reason why her emotional/intellectual stance on things seems to have ground to a halt.

I admit, I am grasping at straws here; I'm just trying to understand. It's tough to paint a picture when you can't tell what color the paint is, though.

Ok, that's enough rambling for now.

-S

Posted by Shadowsinger
Of course the other possibility is that she just doesn't feel the way I thought she felt (about me).



Please understand that this is new territory for me in terms of dynamics. You know what Taurus people like: very straightforward, say-what-you-mean & mean-what-you-say (well, most of the time); we??re not good with ambiguity and we??re crappy at things like inference, intuition and abstract cognition. So, yeah, I'm confused.

I think you are a very nice person. You wear your heart on your sleeve and she is being emotionally selfish. Lots of mixed messages from this lady. She's all over the place but one thing is for certain:

You are being used... even if she is unaware she's doing it. But I think she knows and just wants to keep your friendship by leading you on. Telling you to stop thinking about her and do other things... then commenting on the fact you are doing other things? yuck, yuck, yucky...

Don't jump through hoops for this girl and give her your energy. She'll suck you dry and I think you deserve better.

bless

She's taking time too think about it, and about her relationship. If it makes you feel any better she's probably doing the same too her boyfriend in one way or another.