Backing up in a relationship

What has your experience been like when you have had to back up in a relationship? For example if you aren't on the same page and you need to slow down.

I think I'm further ahead than the aqua so I am having to back up. I had let all the shields down and now I feel the need to put them back up for self protection. I am aware that it will be harder to take them down again, if I ever try.

Did your heart get colder? Was the relationship doomed? Did things improve?

So just curious what your experience has been. Thanks ahead for your honest answers. PM me if you don't want to post on here.

From what do you now feel the need to protect yourself?

I don't think he feels as deeply as I do and has been a little aloof the last few days. I let my shields down and have gone out on a limb about a month ago. So he's either holding back or doesn't feel the same. Keep in mind this has been a 16 month relationship and he hasn't been this way in the past. So I need to back up and be more distant. Otherwise I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Let's try this again, without the typos...

There is nothing wrong with you feeling more intensely for him than he does for you. I'd wager it is far more common than not for one person in a relationship to feel more intensely than the other. That may leave you in a place that lacks the degree of comfort you desire and were expecting, but it does not doom you to ending up hurt. Look to your expectations. Focus on regaining control of those and I suspect you will find you've regained your footing - and your comfort level - within the relationship in short order.

His aloofness indicates there is a problem. I am just not going to push, state my feelings or initiate plans or contact. Thats what I mean by backing up. Let him make the effort and see what happens.

Yes elle, I should talk to him and maybe I will get a chance this weekend. I just don't want to come across needy or insecure. Will have to approach just right.

Caplove, that's good advice. Thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps.

Truecap, have a heart to heart. Tell him what you are feeling, what your expectations are. If he is holding back, he knows it. If he doesn't want to open up or discuss, he might need to be left alone to think a little. Be strong, this does not come off as needy but knowing what you want. The truth is never wrong.

His aloofness may be the unintentional result of him dealing with some things unrelated to your relationship.

True. Will have to talk, find out and see how it plays out.

Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

You are right stoic. My instinct is to shield up but I suppose I have to step outside of that.

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

click to expand

I quit keeping track of the number of times I've tried to start a conversation with you to only have you leave me hanging. 😛

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

click to expand

And I'm tired of being the one to initiate. Why I have to tread carefully

Posted by StoicGoat

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

I quit keeping track of the number of times I've tried to start a conversation with you to only have you leave me hanging. 😛

click to expand

Really? Truly sorry....

Posted by truecap

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

And I'm tired of being the one to initiate. Why I have to tread carefully

click to expand

Why do you feel you have to tread carefully? Fear of losing him?

Posted by Libra911

Posted by truecap
You are right stoic. My instinct is to shield up but I suppose I have to step outside of that.

truecap - Didn't you have similar conversation with your guy a while ago? I believe it was about him being aloof or you wanting to know if you are on the same page. If you decide to talk to him again, maybe you should try to change the dynamic of the conversation. This time you should have a more firm voice. Repeating the same conversation can lead into a never ending cycle that doesn't lead anywhere. The similar situation happened to me as it happened to Caplove. I did the same thing. I drew the line and things drastically changed for us. Sometimes they need a slight push 🙂

click to expand

Actually that's why I thought backing up and leaving initiation up to him. Provide space. I agree with a different approach. Not asking about feelings but letting him know I am backing up and telling him the reason.

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by truecap

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by StoicGoat
Communication is always beneficial in relationships. 🙂

It is but it could be annoying if it's always you initiating the conversations....

And I'm tired of being the one to initiate. Why I have to tread carefully

Why do you feel you have to tread carefully? Fear of losing him?

click to expand

To keep from rehashing and being repetitive. Plus I take the chance of hearing whatvi don't want to hear.

Hiding from the truth won't change it.

Just my 2 cents:
If you feel like you're saying the same thing and you have to hold back to avoid being repetitive, I think you need to re evaluate the situation.

These things are important to you and it's been enough time for him to decide how he feels about you.

If he walks away simply because of you asking simple questions and trying to communicate your wants and needs, you don't need him anyway.

I've laid my cards down and not heard what I wanted but I always felt better knowing and not wasting my time.

To answer your question,
I don't think you can move backwards in a relationship. You can only move forward. If you can't move forward, then you have to just cut your losses and move on.

Anytime I felt like backing up, I've ended the relationship because it didn't feel right to me.

@Truecap
I am experiencing something similar with my Cap man. He asks "who do you love" I reply "u," but when I ask him the same question, he does not reply. WTF. He is hard to figure. I say "good morning" his reply "no" NO...no to what—?!!!, a good morning!!!!, a friendly greeting!!!!—? I am going to draw way back from him because he is 40 something and he is like verbally illiterate concerning relationships. No more answering him pronto, no reply to his txt. He gets little affection from me until he puts a more positive spin on this.

I would really wait before doing anything.

If you feel you are further ahead, and this is someone you care about and want in your life, then just take a pause... wait for him to catch up. You don't have to change a thing about how you feel, but just make a small adjustment in how you behave.

I honestly think approaching him or broaching the subject is also a little too reactive. Act according to your feelings and give this relationship a little patience. You're made of it. That's the true blue capricorn way. And it's not exactly risking your emotions or being hurt. If anything, it's potentially saving you from heartbreak. Don't react to his feelings out of insecurity.

Give it a little time of seeing if he'll catch up. If he does... great. If he does not... I know time will present the right course of action.

I really appreciate all the advice. Thanks to all of you for responding. It helps to have a place to go to vent the frustrations and seek opinions. I have been given lots of support and input and will take every bit of it into consideration.

I think what threw me off is its just a different pattern of behavior for him and he probably doesn't even realize how its affected me.

Then again, maybe I'm just a little sensitive these days. I'm selling the house I built to pay my ex his equity and perhaps I'm feeling more emotional about that than I thought. I found a cute house to downgrade to and I'm happy about the change and ready for the new start. I feel like I'm okay with it, but maybe I'm really not and I'm projecting.

Who knows. But I do know that the aloofness hurts. 😢

It's always a slippery slope when two people start reacting against one another... things *easily* get out of hand and there can be a tendency to pit yourselves against each other. Don't let that happen! Just give it a bit of time. Then if you are certain it needs to be brought up, have an open and loving chat with him.

Aquarians... in my experience can be tough nuts to crack. Or maybe it's just the aqua men. Tougher than caps it seems! My dad is one. I've just learned to accept it. The taurus guy I was dating for a minute had an aqua moon... he suddenly started to close up too.

And yea... getting the brunt of someone else's aloof act really feels like they are pushing you away. And maybe our gut instinct as cap women is to clench down hard in some way... perhaps incite a reaction from them or give them a dose so they can see how it feels. But then we trap ourselves in a game. That's probably all in our own heads!

When things get a little tough, it's then especially important that love be made of patience, understanding and direct honest appeals.

Thanks Creepy. It probably really is all in my head. lol!
But yes, you are correct.

Insecurities are the universes way of saying something might be a miss. But it doesn't guide you on how to proceed or when, and if.

It just says you got something going on pay attention.

Posted by miamivirgo
Insecurities are the universes way of saying something might be a miss. But it doesn't guide you on how to proceed or when, and if.

It just says you got something going on pay attention.

most definitely

Its just figuring out exactly what is amiss....and why. That is what is difficult.

Posted by capgirl69
Just my 2 cents:
If you feel like you're saying the same thing and you have to hold back to avoid being repetitive, I think you need to re evaluate the situation.

These things are important to you and it's been enough time for him to decide how he feels about you.

If he walks away simply because of you asking simple questions and trying to communicate your wants and needs, you don't need him anyway.

I've laid my cards down and not heard what I wanted but I always felt better knowing and not wasting my time.

I definitely agree with this.

You shouldn't compromise things that you value. And I don't mean not to compromise ever, but we all have certain needs. If you are honestly happy all around then give him a little time. Just not too long or things fester and become worse. If you're questioning things more often than not, maybe it's time for a "put up or shut up" conversation.

truecap, anytime and lol sorry i didnt mean to preach 😛 i've been knee deep in that before and wish i'd had an outsider's perspective. 20/20 hindsight

I didn't take it as preaching, Creepy. I appreciate what you said. Thank you for sharing your experience!!!

😛 no prob. in my head i was in a pulpit robe LOL

Perhaps you were expecting him to buy your husband's equity. Or to suggest moving in together.Sixteen months is long time. I would talk to him about living arrangements, instead of feelings. Yours is a practical sigh, his is rational.

He could sense your frustration and become aloof because he doesn't know what's going on in your mind.
Talk to him about moving in together. The rest will follow..

Posted by cheekyfaerie

Posted by Undine
He could sense your frustration and become aloof because he doesn't know what's going on in your mind.
Talk to him about moving in together. The rest will follow..

Last i recall, he hadn't said the three words she needed to hear. I don't know his living arrangements, but if he owns his residence, that convo doesn't seem an option right now.

But maybe i'm not up to speed and just talking outta my ass.

click to expand

Yes, I remember that convo also, seems like she is expecting something he can't offer. What do you think Truecap?

No. Living together was never an option in my book. We keep a moral standard for our teens. We spent the day together, all four if us and I think I see the problem. When we spend me and him and his son together, things are fun and relaxed. Through my son in and all of a sudden I feel tension. My son likes him but the cohesiveness is gone. There is a vibe of uncomfortableness or something. He and his son are athletes. My son does debate . My son likes politics. They don't. Nothing in common. And my son portrays an anger directed toward his dad and me and that vibe comes across. So. I see the aqua possibly holding back until my son graduates and goes to college. I am thinking therein lies the problem.

Don't know. Perhaps my son could be the issue.

Things between us seen normal this weekend, otherwise.

Update:

When he was aloof, I found out later he was doing some things for his family and was really busy. I think I let my mental side work overtime analyzing too much into it. Yes, I'm probably letting the emotional side of selling and buying houses take its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

The weekend was fine and he seemed his normal self. We spent quite a bit of time together. So, no we didn't talk. I did let him know that this move has affected me more than I thought it would and I felt like I was riding a rollercoaster mentally and emotinally. But I did not bring up anything about him or our relationship. I agree with letting it rest - for now. There's no hurry and I will get settled into my new place and see if I can calm down mentally.

For the record, I never expected or wanted him to suggest we move in together. That wasn't an option.

Someone brought up that he hasn't told me those words I want to hear. No he hasn't. Yes, I would like to hear them, and yes, perhaps it does bother me some that he hasn't said them, but I do not ever plan on pushing him to say them. When he told me we were on the same page, that was good enough. For now anyway. When he's ready to say them, he will. And if he doesn't, then he doesn't.

I started this thread to see if anyone ever backed up and how did it work out for them, but it went a different direction than I intended. I think I was feeling a little too emotional when I started the thread and was letting my head run away and allowed myself to feel a little insecure. I feel more confident now and I appreciate everyone's opinions. Yall did give me several angles to consider, which was of great help.

Thanks again.

I'm just not used to him being aloof and although I know Aquas do this, it threw me for a loop. I'm just glad I had a place to go to discuss.

Thanks 88. I hear what you're saying. Yes, I probably do think and analyze too much. And I am not putting the blame on my son, but teenage attitudes can be a factor and can harm relationships. Not saying he is doing that intentionally, because he does like him, but he's not making them feel welcome either. Aqua has made the comment "we won't always have kids around, ya know".

I just decided to lean back a little. Stop analyzing, go with the flow (if I can - hard for a cardinal sign) and put Aqua in control by letting him do all the planning for the most part. Not changing anything about myself, not going aloof, just leaning back some. Not a game, just trying not to be too intense.

*locks scorp venus in the closet*

Thanks Cheeky!

Yes, lock that scorpio venus away.

This is all the analyzing I do, and I know its because of that darn venus placement. I personally feel it makes things more tense, adds pressure, and takes out half of the fun. I crushed on another scorpio venus and was nearly afraid of him because of the expectations/ intensity I actually felt. if not careful, it can indeed push people away.

relax, try to focus on things you need to get done as far as moving, and let it pass. if you feel the two of you are capable of "forever" then put it all in perspective and look at these moments as tiny seconds of that time. moments that will hardly be remembered a year from now. it will pass.

Yes, Inana! When I feel the intense side of the scorp venus coming out, it makes me very aware of it.

I just appreciate everyone's input. I had second thoughts about starting this thread. Still do, lol! But it has given me a place to throw my thoughts out there instead of trying to keep them buried inside and gnawing away at me like an alien baby trying to break out.

It's been helpful to get so much insight.

I got some do's and don'ts, some reassurance, some understanding, some challenges. Good therapy! Sending each of you $ 100.


- NOT!!!

Thanks everyone!