RiverLee
@RiverLee
10 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 257 · Topics: 8
Capi's....... How do you handle divorce or break ups?
A break up and a divorce are two different animals. While a break up is hard, a divorce is devastating. It takes more time to get over a divorce because it affects you not only mentally, but physically and financially, among others. Plus, with divorce, there's a high chance of some anger and bitterness. Those must be battled and won before you can truly give your heart away again.
After my divorce, I went to a Christian based divorce class - group counselling really. Each class dealt with a different feeling (anger, helplessness, bitterness, freedom, etc) and a different affecting factor (how to get back on your feet financially, ways to deal with the public/friends/family questions, etc). There, they said it takes approximately one month for each year of a relationship before you're actually mentally ready to get into a new relationship.
So many people jump into a new relationship or marriage before they're mentally ready and those relationships usually fail over a period of time. I've been divorced 5 years. I bonded with people going through the same thing I was going through. Half of them have remarried and divorced in that 5 year period - moving on too soon before they were ready and without getting to know the new person better. to see if they're really compatible.
Here's the thing about caps. Because we hide our emotions, we can APPEAR to move on quicker than we actually do. We can jump into a relationship but not really be mentally there for the long haul. Then, on the different side of the coin, most caps will give their all before we finally call it quits. Once the final straw is broken and we've exhausted all our efforts, it's over and we move on. I suppose it depends on the circumstance of the break up which it is.
So my advice to you on your HS sweetheart is beware. Give it time and wait and see if his actions match his words. Observe how he speaks about his ex. Observe and see if he's in it for the long haul with you.
For what it's worth, my first "relationship" after my divorce was with my HS sweetheart. It was safe. A been there, done that kind of thing. A good place to start. But, instinctively, I knew it wasn't going to last. We weren't compatible then and we weren't presently. It was an ego boost, which is needed after divorce, and it was a good rebound.
Just keep in mind, after a miserable marriage, a LOT of people go out and sow their oats. They want to flirt, to date around, to have sex with someone new, to experience being single all over again.
A lot of people (especially men) will jump into a relationship/marriage because they don't know how to be alone, or don't know how to cook or clean or do laundry. They are used to and like the feel of someone sleeping next to them. They don't know how to live by themselves and want constant companionship like they're used to.
I'm not saying don't date him, just be aware.
After my divorce, I went to a Christian based divorce class - group counselling really. Each class dealt with a different feeling (anger, helplessness, bitterness, freedom, etc) and a different affecting factor (how to get back on your feet financially, ways to deal with the public/friends/family questions, etc). There, they said it takes approximately one month for each year of a relationship before you're actually mentally ready to get into a new relationship.
So many people jump into a new relationship or marriage before they're mentally ready and those relationships usually fail over a period of time. I've been divorced 5 years. I bonded with people going through the same thing I was going through. Half of them have remarried and divorced in that 5 year period - moving on too soon before they were ready and without getting to know the new person better. to see if they're really compatible.
Here's the thing about caps. Because we hide our emotions, we can APPEAR to move on quicker than we actually do. We can jump into a relationship but not really be mentally there for the long haul. Then, on the different side of the coin, most caps will give their all before we finally call it quits. Once the final straw is broken and we've exhausted all our efforts, it's over and we move on. I suppose it depends on the circumstance of the break up which it is.
So my advice to you on your HS sweetheart is beware. Give it time and wait and see if his actions match his words. Observe how he speaks about his ex. Observe and see if he's in it for the long haul with you.
For what it's worth, my first "relationship" after my divorce was with my HS sweetheart. It was safe. A been there, done that kind of thing. A good place to start. But, instinctively, I knew it wasn't going to last. We weren't compatible then and we weren't presently. It was an ego boost, which is needed after divorce, and it was a good rebound.
Just keep in mind, after a miserable marriage, a LOT of people go out and sow their oats. They want to flirt, to date around, to have sex with someone new, to experience being single all over again.
A lot of people (especially men) will jump into a relationship/marriage because they don't know how to be alone, or don't know how to cook or clean or do laundry. They are used to and like the feel of someone sleeping next to them. They don't know how to live by themselves and want constant companionship like they're used to.
I'm not saying don't date him, just be aware.
We look like we can handle it and got our shit together but inside usually very hurt and broken .when my longest relationship ended I was devastated but I cut off all contact and acted like it didn't phase me .after the break up I was on the hot mess express jumping from relationship to relationship just because I was lost and in those relationships I was a shitty girlfriend . Caps come off as independent , we come off as secure and we like it that way . So I'd say if a cap has just ended a relationship or marriage and they seem cool and collected it most likely they're just putting on face .were very selective on who we open up to as well
"fake it till you make it"
Truecap pretty much covered most of what I wanted to say.
I think Caps appear like they've moved on so well b/c we like to throw ourselves into being productive. Show that we're doing good with or without that person and making ourselves better in the process.. and tbh, the other person ends up getting sad or missing us even more because of it.
Also, I don't think we're ever JUST ready for a new relationship, most Caps are known for being independent. In my case, I think I feel ready when I realize I have a good connection and if I can actually see myself and this person being together.
I think Caps appear like they've moved on so well b/c we like to throw ourselves into being productive. Show that we're doing good with or without that person and making ourselves better in the process.. and tbh, the other person ends up getting sad or missing us even more because of it.
Also, I don't think we're ever JUST ready for a new relationship, most Caps are known for being independent. In my case, I think I feel ready when I realize I have a good connection and if I can actually see myself and this person being together.
as in being emotionally independent and strong. being optimistic with a smile on even when it feels like shyt. it's not uncommon for some to try to take advantage of the emotionally vulnerable.
HORRIBLY.
Js
Well... the two that I know anyway 😄
Js
Well... the two that I know anyway 😄
i personally wouldn't date anyone who showed strong emotions (either hate or love) when talking about their ex
Posted by truecap
A break up and a divorce are two different animals. While a break up is hard, a divorce is devastating. It takes more time to get over a divorce because it affects you not only mentally, but physically and financially, among others. Plus, with divorce, there's a high chance of some anger and bitterness. Those must be battled and won before you can truly give your heart away again.
After my divorce, I went to a Christian based divorce class - group counselling really. Each class dealt with a different feeling (anger, helplessness, bitterness, freedom, etc) and a different affecting factor (how to get back on your feet financially, ways to deal with the public/friends/family questions, etc). There, they said it takes approximately one month for each year of a relationship before you're actually mentally ready to get into a new relationship.
So many people jump into a new relationship or marriage before they're mentally ready and those relationships usually fail over a period of time. I've been divorced 5 years. I bonded with people going through the same thing I was going through. Half of them have remarried and divorced in that 5 year period - moving on too soon before they were ready and without getting to know the new person better. to see if they're really compatible.
Here's the thing about caps. Because we hide our emotions, we can APPEAR to move on quicker than we actually do. We can jump into a relationship but not really be mentally there for the long haul. Then, on the different side of the coin, most caps will give their all before we finally call it quits. Once the final straw is broken and we've exhausted all our efforts, it's over and we move on. I suppose it depends on the circumstance of the break up which it is.
So my advice to you on your HS sweetheart is beware. Give it time and wait and see if his actions match his words. Observe how he speaks about his ex. Observe and see if he's in it for the long haul with you.
For what it's worth, my first "relationship" after my divorce was with my HS sweetheart. It was safe. A been there, done that kind of thing. A good place to start. But, instinctively, I knew it wasn't going to last. We weren't compatible then and we weren't presently. It was an ego boost, which is needed after divorce, and it was a good rebound.
Just keep in mind, after a miserable marriage, a LOT of people go out and sow their oats. They want to flirt, to date around, to have sex with someone new, to experience being single all over again.
A lot of people (especially men) will jump into a relationship/marriage because they don't know how to be alone, or don't know how to cook or clean or do laundry. They are used to and like the feel of someone sleeping next to them. They don't know how to live by themselves and want constant
good post, truecap. and it's good you got wth someone "safe" after the divorce, since you weren't really ready. you're lucky!!
Posted by Cappuccinojust thought this is interesting. i have seen / read so many people thought they fell in love when they didn't even really know or like the person (including my younger self). i reached a conclusion that it was not love when i didn't like or respect him as a person/man. it was infatuation.
it doesn't mean I necessarily have a desire to be with that person anymore and I might not even like them, but the love remains because it was there at one point just in a different way.
i agree one can still love another in different ways when there is lack of respect after the love is already established. what i said applied more to the confusion between falling in love and infatuation when first getting to know a romantic interest.
Me personally...
I take breakups really hard. I sort of start getting anxiety about the situation and start rethinking about it millions of different ways of how/why it could've been different. Like others have mentioned I try to portray that I am over the person/ breakup when I am not. I try to dive into work, hobbies, hanging with friends to keep my mind from thinking about it but deep down I am truly heartbroken, sad, and borderline depressed. The way I'm/ most caps work though we will not let this be known. I'm not into emotional displays or outwardly crying in front of people so even though I may feel like doing so I will put on a front and do so in private. If the person broke up with me I try my absolute best to fix the situation. I go over messages, past memories and knit pick little things I could possibly fix to make things work again. Then I go through a stage of " well maybe it wasn't meant to be" becoming extremely logical about the situation.
If I am the one breaking up or walking away it has taken a LONG time for me to do so... I've been betrayed in the worst way. If that is the case usually I will disappear abruptly breaking off all contact. I will pretend that person no longer exists while all the while I am deeply hurting on the inside wondering " how, why...etc." Once I turn my back though and walk away I will not come back no matter how bad or deeply I am hurting. It takes alot for a capricorn to break up with you but it doesn't matter who ended things we will still be deeply hurt. Its because we have let you in... invested so much time , memories, and even money into you..It is so hard to let go of that. I don't know if other caps are like this but I also kind of see it as a failure like I failed to make this relationship successful in a way. I also find that it is hard for me to become interested romantically with an individual so if I get to that point with someone I treasure and value it because at least for me that kind of connection rarely happens thats why I am so hurt. Ironically though ...I find the exes always come back when caps do this at least three of my exes did. They start to panic and realize they lost something especially when you don't respond and see your living life... they start to beg and at that point your over them and it's just kind of funny because its like why couldn't they care like this when I wanted to make it work...lol. Deep down I will always have love for someone I was with and let in like that but as mentioned already it will not be the same kind of love as in a relationship...
I take breakups really hard. I sort of start getting anxiety about the situation and start rethinking about it millions of different ways of how/why it could've been different. Like others have mentioned I try to portray that I am over the person/ breakup when I am not. I try to dive into work, hobbies, hanging with friends to keep my mind from thinking about it but deep down I am truly heartbroken, sad, and borderline depressed. The way I'm/ most caps work though we will not let this be known. I'm not into emotional displays or outwardly crying in front of people so even though I may feel like doing so I will put on a front and do so in private. If the person broke up with me I try my absolute best to fix the situation. I go over messages, past memories and knit pick little things I could possibly fix to make things work again. Then I go through a stage of " well maybe it wasn't meant to be" becoming extremely logical about the situation.
If I am the one breaking up or walking away it has taken a LONG time for me to do so... I've been betrayed in the worst way. If that is the case usually I will disappear abruptly breaking off all contact. I will pretend that person no longer exists while all the while I am deeply hurting on the inside wondering " how, why...etc." Once I turn my back though and walk away I will not come back no matter how bad or deeply I am hurting. It takes alot for a capricorn to break up with you but it doesn't matter who ended things we will still be deeply hurt. Its because we have let you in... invested so much time , memories, and even money into you..It is so hard to let go of that. I don't know if other caps are like this but I also kind of see it as a failure like I failed to make this relationship successful in a way. I also find that it is hard for me to become interested romantically with an individual so if I get to that point with someone I treasure and value it because at least for me that kind of connection rarely happens thats why I am so hurt. Ironically though ...I find the exes always come back when caps do this at least three of my exes did. They start to panic and realize they lost something especially when you don't respond and see your living life... they start to beg and at that point your over them and it's just kind of funny because its like why couldn't they care like this when I wanted to make it work...lol. Deep down I will always have love for someone I was with and let in like that but as mentioned already it will not be the same kind of love as in a relationship...
Just wanted to say thank you for all of the replies and insight. A lot of it sounded familiar due to my best friend being a Cap. Over the course of the last few days and talking to him, the more information I get about him and his situation, the more I don't want to be involved in the situation at all. So I'll do my best to be a casual friend if that's possible. He calls and texts me multiple times a day and wants to "check in" with me and tell me everything that he's doing, so I'm going to have to stick to some strict boundaries. Luckily there's some distance between us. Used to be 2 hours away but yesterday he moved closer to me, so now only 1 hour away. :/
Posted by iCloud9why not—
i personally wouldn't date anyone who showed strong emotions (either hate or love) when talking about their ex
I would. I love intensity.
but once they don't give a damn, then it's indifference.
when they don't care anymore, it's good. That means the hate has turned into blah.
but you still hate what they did, their actions. you don't like it. it's not something you're gonna change overnight, like, Ohhhhh i'm over him so I liked what he did? whaaa--?
edit - i'm glad my husband hasn't had anyone he really felt intensity for in the past. thank the gods. I don't have to deal with ex's popping up.
he left them behind and he has a MEH about them. like, yeah they were HOT, but meh. I didn't go after them for commitment so why should I care?
Posted by RiverLeeBe his friend. Build that aspect. Give it some time. Who knows what could happen in the future.
Just wanted to say thank you for all of the replies and insight. A lot of it sounded familiar due to my best friend being a Cap. Over the course of the last few days and talking to him, the more information I get about him and his situation, the more I don't want to be involved in the situation at all. So I'll do my best to be a casual friend if that's possible. He calls and texts me multiple times a day and wants to "check in" with me and tell me everything that he's doing, so I'm going to have to stick to some strict boundaries. Luckily there's some distance between us. Used to be 2 hours away but yesterday he moved closer to me, so now only 1 hour away. :/
Just wanted to give an update.... He's going back to his wife so I guess my question was answered LOL Our parting conversation did not go well.
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I posted about this on a different board but I recently reconnected with my HS sweetheart, he's going through a divorce.
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I am a Taurus sun, Gemini moon and venus. I'm doing the whole overthinking, searching for motives thing. lol Anyway, does this behavior seem typical of a Capricorn man or Capricorn in general for that matter? My best friend (the cap) thinks it's weird & has me questioning motivations.