Need a pep talk from you guys...

I need to break it off with my cap friend of over a year. It's clear to me that I may just be some "fun" for him. I don't think I was in the beginning, but the last 2/3 mths, he has backed off with any kind of "we" talk. He still texts most everyday, but it's just mundane everyday stuff. It's almost like he does it so he can keep me hanging around for Sat. night, which is the only night we go out.

I have "tried" a couple of times to quit seeing him. All he says is, "I don't want to end us". I just say ok & don't press him any further on the reality of our relationship, which I see as shallow and no real communication. Pretty pathetic on my part. I have never been with a guy that has made me feel I am really not want they want, but this guy is a weakness for me. It's consuming my thoughts and I hate feeling like this. I'm a cancer, July 1st, and get stuck in my emotions I guess. He's a Dec 22nd cap.

I want to stop being an easy fix for him and am 95% sure that is what I've become for him.

We are suppose to exchange xmas presents this week, but I'm not looking forward to it. I want to tell him that I need to move on. Obviously, that will put a damper on the whole xmas thing, but I don't think celebrations mean much to him. He hasn't gone to see his family for years, which I guess is a red flag.

Can I please get some encouragement from you guys to stay strong when I talk to him. I have friends I can talk to, but I would crumble into constant blubbering and that would be soooo embarrassing. I need someone to tell me to quit being a wimp and to get those, what I thought were meaningful memories/times", out of my head. Thanks guys.

You are not a wimp, but do sound like you are very much codependently addicted to him. Or, rather, to the *illusion* of him. Who he was and how he made you feel when you first met.

To help you move forward, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Why do I treat him as a priority when he treats me only as an option?

2. What do I get out of accepting crumbs from someone?

3. What is the benefit he gives you and are you worth more?

Your self esteem and self worth is shot. Been torn down by an unfulfilling relationship that you continue to maintain. The control of YOU is all in....you. You are placing yourself with the same value that he places in you....very little.

I think you are worth more.....now when you agree with that, you will find the strength to end it. I wish you much luck..and love...self love, that is.

BGP, "the illusion of him"...that's a good description. We don't see each other enough for me to see his real self and his flaws. I'm having to pick him apart slowly and at the expense of my own happiness, b/c I have this ideal of him that is not real.

I do need more self love/respect. I fear and am ashamed to admit, I have some shallowness within myself and maybe that's why we have had this "relationship" for as long as we have. There are other factors I have gone into in previous posts, but I think there is some truth to that simple view.

I like your "option" description also. Thinking of it that way really hits it where it hurts most, but also brings the reality to the front lines.

I know it's up to me and that's where I need the strength. Thank you so much for listing the "real deal" and I need to adjust and work on my view of myself.

morningsb, lol, that would be the easy way to do it! And I'm sure that's how he would prefer it, but I don't want to let him off the hook that easy.

Part of my problem with moving on is how we ended last time. Back story is we dated 10 years ago for nearly a year. He suddenly quit calling (before texting, ha), after calling every day and seeing each other every weekend. I didn't shed a tear; I was more mad that he would do that. I was raising my 7 yr old child at the time and was consumed with that, so it was actually a relief to me back then when it ended. I never attempted to contact him, but I did continue to wonder what happened and regretted we never talked seriously regardless of the outcome (we did email some much later just casually). He's the one who contacted me after all this time b/c he was newly divorced. Oh, obviously he got married when he disappeared on me and then 10 years later I guess I'm the rebound girl.

Obviously, he is not going to be a great communicator and I'm not even going to try and force that. For my own peace, I would like to try and get out of my comfort zone and tell him how I have felt. I get mad at myself for not being strong enough to talk to him and consequently leave. If I could do that, I would feel more at peace with myself and the situation.

seek an advice? dont talk to him. take a decision for yourself.

talk to him about what?

@ I want to tell him that I need to move on. Obviously,

Honestly you don't need to tell him anything, that's your addiction talking, emotional addiction is a bitch, just can't let a man go no matter how poor the relationship is.

Do yourself a huge favor. Move on, just do it if that is what you intend on doing, you don't really need feedback from a man that's downsized your relationship into something imaginary like a Saturday only fling, he's not doing anything deliberately hurt you, he's just doing what he wants to do and it's up to you decide if what he's doing is okay, if it's not then stop being his Saturday night special.

I wish I could say emotionally detoxing is easy but the reality is IT'S NOT, it's not easy, it'll take you about 8 weeks to truly get back into yourself and even longer to feel INDEPENDENT emotional, mentally and physically, the only way you'll recover faster is to go no contact, it's not a form of punishing him or anything like that as if he's done something wrong, it just gives you an opportunity to heal and recover from the dependency you've formed, you'll probably go through weeks of obsessing and missing him but if you hand in there you'll get to the other side.

If you must say something before you move on then try to keep it really simple, men don't really need a lot of words to understand, just tell him the relationship doesn't feel good anymore, you really don't have to drag it out because he already KNOW what you mean. Say it doesn't feel good for you anymore, goodbye. Good luck! You'll be okay, you really will.

@BGP You go girl!! I loved reading your post 😄

hang...not hand in there

Thanks, Tiki, 😉, I concur with everything you've written....because I have/am going though exactly what the OP is about to endure.

Been 8 weeks exactly since my scorpio ex disappeared. HE cut me off, so I had no choice but to move on and let go. Early stage if withdraw hurts...a lot. Esp when it was HE who didnt have the courtesy to tell me what was going on in his mind.

He did for me what I refused to do for myself. I was afraid to discuss the dysfunction of the relationship, how it wasnt what I wanted, I accepted crumbs when I DESERVE filet mignon. The days hurt less now, though I do lose some sleep still thinking of him. I pray a lot to be relieved of the obsession. It works.

To be honest, my greatest fear is that I DO hear from him. Then I will have to exercise my inner strength. Its easier when THEY leave us alone, then we dont have to work so hard to detach. But you can do it if you treat it as if your life depends on it, Or at least your sanity.

BGP, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I understand your fear of hearing from him...exercising your inner strength. Exactly what I'm trying to do. He texted me last night the usual crazy work day, how's your day, etc...I responded, but simply & I didn't continue the exchange. I actually felt guilty doing that! I start thinking, he's worked all day (which he does work 11 hour days 6 days a week), he just needs someone to talk to, blah, blah. Are my cancer tendencies, always trying to take care/nurture, part of this inability to let go?

"he cut me off"...honestly, that is what I'm scared of. I want to be the one to do it; I think it will hurt less. Is that immature?

And "he didn't have the courtesy to tell me what was going on in his mind"...I think there s/b some communication when breaking up, especially if it's been longer than just a few months. Like Tiki said, it doesn't have to be much. I guess it's a difference of personality types, but there is just something inside of me that says it's wrong to just ditch someone with no warning. And, after our first break up, I know I don't want to go thru the regrets of not communicating again.

Tiki...8 weeks...you're right & I know I'm putting this off, b/c it will hurt badly & I'm procrastinating the very sad feelings that BGP is going thru now.

Another part of this equation is, I can't have a full time relationship any way right now. I'm a single mom with a high maint. kid that I'm trying to get graduated this year & I live with my parents b/c of the cost of my son's school. My job & son leave no room for much else. Thru the years I have purposely not dated b/c I didn't need the complications from a relationship. My son's dad was an abusive man who permeated every aspect of my life. It has taken years to shed the CRAP, & has left me with not wanting to feel any kind of pressure from a man at all. Even a good man. So I think that's another reason I hang on to cap guy. He doesn't pressure me AT ALL plus he's smoldering hot, lol. That's the shallow part of me I don't like.

I thought I could handle this "ideal" situation; I guess I'm just too much of a girl. The intimate aspects finally took their toll & reality hit; I can't handle it. Now to be a big mature girl & shed him. It's hard b/c it's a part of my life that's an outlet from my very stressful home situation & I have enjoyed it very much.

BGP-I'll be sending strength your way
Tiki-Thx, your advice is always enli

Posted by protector
Are my cancer tendencies, always trying to take care/nurture, part of this inability to let go?


Tiki...8 weeks...you're right & I know I'm putting this off, b/c it will hurt badly & I'm procrastinating the very sad feelings that BGP is going thru now.

He doesn't pressure me AT ALL plus he's smoldering hot, lol. That's the shallow part of me I don't like.

I thought I could handle this "ideal" situation; I guess I'm just too much of a girl. The intimate aspects finally took their toll & reality hit; I can't handle it. Now to be a big mature girl & shed him. It's hard b/c it's a part of my life that's an outlet from my very stressful home situation & I have enjoyed it very much.

Thanks for your good thoughts, Protector 🙂

Yes!! Cancers are quite the caretaker. "taking care" of others feelings to the detriment of our own (Im venus cancer) is very codependent. And self destructive.

Last summer I ended it with him first (which I told him, did not just disappear) due to his inconsistency. I have to say, as much as I missed him for those 2 months we didnt speak, it WAS much easier than the sadness I feel now. Probably my ego didnt take quite the beating because it was *I* who walked away with my power. When someone walks out on me, it KILLS the ego, espescially when he did it with silence. Silent indifference is the worst form of abuse, imo. So I would not suggest you do that to him. It will really hurt.

I am like you, a single mom, where my ex husband abandoned my son 8 yrs ago. I graduated my boy from HS in 2010, and I do take credit for that because I am a great mommy to an outstanding boy. He graduated with honors and a full scholarship to a major univ. Bravo to you for putting your child first. But, just remember to not neglect your need and right to have someone love the AWESOMENESS that is YOU!!! 🙂

BGP, Wow! We seem to have a lot in common. CONGRATULATIONS on your son!! I'm sure you are a wonderful mom and person 🙂 I love hearing hopeful stories from parents. My son is adhd, hence the high maint part, and school is a struggle. Constant follow up with him on school and just day to day tasks. So exhausting. His abusive father is still around (ugh), which makes more to muddle through and add to the mental exhaustion. So there is just not much left over for anything else, aside from my job. Plus, I live with my parents. I'm such a catch, lol! I don't blame any guy for not wanting to be involved with my life & I honestly think that is part of cap man's struggle with making "us" more.

When I started seeing him again, sounds corny...but he made me feel like a real female again; I had truly forgotten what that felt like. I have been consumed being a mom. I don't regret it at all; that is what my child and situation called for. It was all up to just me. Now that my son is 18, I do feel the desire to have my own life; however, it's still not quite possible.

That's why it's so hard to say no to this guy. He fits my schedule (and a few other things of course 😉 ). But like I said previously, the intimate part made me feel too much. With neither of us able/willing to do any more, I feel I need to stop & I want to be the one to do it. Dilemma.....

I can't get your post off of my mind, I have to say this or I'll go nuts lol...I encourage you to really give what I'm saying some thought, you don't have to agree with me, it's okay if you don't but I feel if you dig a little deeper you'll see your exactly were you want to be. I know it's Christmas and I had no plans to post today but this has been gnawing at my mind so.

Let me explain

Protector you provided some valid reasons why you can't/won't/couldn't pursue a real relationship, mind you all "excuses" but valid ones. Your excuses were.
-I can't have a full time relationship any way right now
-I'm a single mom with a high maint. kid that I'm trying to get graduated this year
-I live with my parents b/c of the cost of my son's school. My job & son leave no room for much else.
-My job & son leave no room for much else.
-Thru the years I have purposely not dated b/c I didn't need the complications from a relationship.
-My son's dad was an abusive man who permeated every aspect of my life.
- It has taken years to shed the CRAP, & has left me with not wanting to feel any kind of pressure from a man at all.

And your main reason for holding onto cap guy is...
-So I think that's another reason I hang on to cap guy. He doesn't pressure me AT ALL plus he's smoldering hot, lol. That's the shallow part of me I don't like.

I think if you look at this from another angle you may not even have to dump your cap least not in a dramatic scary way, you can just decide that you want "more" out of your relationships and shift into that with someone else.

What I mean is this look back at all your excuses why you never pursued something REAL with a man and you'll see that YOU CAN'T HANDLE anything real with a man and that's why you OPTED for the lesser version of a relationship with your cap, you can ONLY HANDLE A IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIPS with a man and thus your cap is a reflection of what you can handle at this time in your life.

Your in this relationship because anything more would send you running for the hills, you have a huge amount of reasons why YOU CAN'T or WON'T allow yourself to be open, willing, AVAILABLE for a real relationship.

You don't have to dump your Cap but what you do have to do is realize is that your exactly were you wanna be, you told yourself I can't handle a real relationship, I can't be with someone full time, I'm not available and provided a whole slew of valid reasons thus the universe GAVE YOU something you could handle, the universe gave you Saturdays ONLY because that's all you can deal with at the moment and your cap is the mirror image of you when it comes to his own reasons why he can't handle more than Saturdays.

So let's bring this home. If you want more from your relationships then you have to begin to say that you want more, open your heart up for more and begin to shift away from your current relationship if he's unwilling to provide more time but first get clear about your feelings. Do you honestly feel you can handle more or are you just beating yourself up inside because you can't handle more thus creating drama for yourself by attempting to knock down your own ideas about love and romance with a man? Meaning are you criticizing your choice to be in an unavailable limited relationship? And if you are then why? Because you know you can't handle more and what about not being able to handle more makes you upset with yourself and with him?

I feel it's important to explore your own thoughts and feelings surrounding your CHOICE and your own REASONS why you settled into a relationship with limitations thus you may come to understand that you really are okay, you really can be with this man on Saturdays and guess what you can stop limiting yourself just by slowly allowing yourself to be available with other men, you can flirt, you can have innocent chats with other men, you can go walking in the park, you can do all these LESS SCARY INNOCENT things with other men and even with your Cap if he's willing and you'll find out that you do have time, you can make time for something real.

This doesn't have to be a black or white type of deal. You have a huge amount of control and power over your love life but you have to be willing to be totally HONEST with yourself first about your choices.

If you feel you can handle more from a man, then it's okay to say to your Cap, I love our Saturdays it makes me feel great and yet I can't help but feel sad when your not around and I'd love to have a little bit more of your time and then ask him how he feel about that. Maybe he'll say I feel the same way or maybe he'll start to make excuses why he can't or maybe he'll change the subject altogether and then you'll know from his reaction that he's not ready and then you can decide for yourself if you want to keep your Saturdays and at the same time open your heart up to other men by dating and remember this is DATING, you can still be exclusive sexually with your Cap while you date and while you date you don't have to be sexual with anyone else outside of your current relationship thus you can begin to see how it feels to be with with men that are AVAILABLE, maybe it'll feel good to have someone around 4x's a week, maybe it'll feel scary and completely send you running for the hills and thus help you to appreciate that ONE DAY you share with your Cap, maybe you'll find someone else that can actually GIVE you more than your cap and maybe you won't and if you don't find someone then you'll be much more appreciative of what you currently have. Understand?

The only one judging you is YOU. You are were you are because you said you can't handle a real connected relationship with a man and thus you ATTRACTED to you a man that can't handle anything more with you but Saturdays, he's just showing you YOU, he's mirroring back to you YOU and if you don't like it then change it. Sometimes we women can only handle Friends with sex, sometimes we can only handle 1 day a week, sometimes we can't handle anything more than what we have, if you begin to feel you can handle more then you'll seek more either from your current partner or from someone else.

I see it as you saying I want to grow up, I don't want to be stuck in first grade anymore, I want to be in the 2nd grade with all the other big girls that can handle more, I want to keep moving up in my relationships and that's awesome!

So don't feel bad and before you dump your guy lean back and think about your options and begin to take control of your love life with less drama and pain if you can. Knowing what you want can make all the difference.

I hope this helps you shift into a new perspective. I really feel you can have your Cap and as you enjoy him you can venture out into the world and begin to slowly be available for men that can give you more and is available for more.

Merry Christmas!

very insightful, Tiki...great food for thought. I will write more when I return from my dysfunctional family christmas dinner.

Merry Christmas all... 🙂

Merry Christmas to you all guys! Wish you all health and love.

Tiki, it is a pleasure to read you as usual.

I think though that what Protector HOPES TO GET is this man (or any man she likes) to come and offer her what she needs and tell her he is accepting her as she is, with her child; that he will be there for her; that he wants to commmit but will be patient with her and will not press her and will give her space to take care of her son and will even help her with that. What she GETS in reality is a man who is afraid to commit and keeps his distance.

I also think Protector is down to earth enough to know it is very difficult to find a man who will be willing to give more and receive less (in terms of availability and attention). However, hope dies last and one never knows.. I hope she will find the right man with a big hearth.

Tiki, I want to thank you for taking time out of your holiday to post this for me. Your perspective and digging deep beyond the surface is exactly what I was looking for. It sometimes takes me a while to figure out what is REALLY going on with me; sometimes I don't think I ever get it, lol! By the time I get it, my opportunities have left me.

I have actually thought of your plan of keeping him and casually dating others. I did go out with a guy a few weeks ago a couple of times. He's very successful, fun, easy to talk to, ready to commit & I felt comfortable with him. But...not attracted. That is where I REALLY struggle with myself. I think I have some deep flaw in my character with this shallow aspect of myself. I have given up on many guys b/c of this. At my age & what I have been thru, you would think I could get past this and give a guy more of a chance. Oh, plus I felt extreme guilt doing this to my cap guy. Why—

The other part...I can't handle a real relationship. I have thought about that a lot. When I read that from you, it brought tears. A few weeks ago during our one and only in person discussion on us, I did ask cap guy if Sat's was all he wanted. The very second I said it, I began to panic inside..."OMG, what am I asking, I can't see him any more". I don't know if he could tell; I probably had some far off, stunned look in my eyes suddenly. He said yes, that for now, that's all he could do. The direction of his life is— He was divorced last year, he's unhappy in his job, etc... So, us mirroring each other...CORRECT you are!

I was with a very abusive man on/off for a very long time. He was physically perfect...emotionally - extreme dysfunction. As I see it, my shallowness and stupidity has ruined my life; it's dictated my life course. He's the father of my son and my life goal has been to ensure my son can be emotionally healthy despite his crazy dad. I'm scared no one can handle my life nor do I expect them to. Did my issues of not being able to handle a real relationship begin before him or after?? btw...I had a normal upbringing. I worshiped my dad and had a great mom. So not the typical female who gets involved with an abusive man.

... I want to get out of first grade; I really do. I'm afraid my shallowness is rearing it's ugly head. I'm so "in to" this cap guy. He's smoldering. Though he's more than that...talented (artist), successful (though he hates his job), funny (in a very dry way) and intelligent. I'm so drawn to just him and his mere presence. His silence is attractive to me, is that weird?? (and secretly I think a big part of him is on a higher level than me & he will tire of me).

Asha, very good insight!! I've dreamed of finding a man who can handle my life, but will keep his distance when I need him to. I don't think he's out there and how unfair of me to expect that from someone. It would have to be someone who wanted that too.

Thank you BGP, Asha and Tiki----your time and thoughts are all appreciated and spot on! BGP, I hope your struggle is getting easier each day and the holidays are going well for you. Did you hear from yours?

Yes, we are back together. He said he made up his mind. He is a new man now, different behaviour, no mixed signals any more.

Now remains to be seen what happens when a cap gets used to having a woman around 🙂 Any ideas? Is it to be expected he will stop making efforts?

Hi Protector If I could get you to do ONE thing is to give men "credit" for being able to step up. I sense you making up excuses to protect yourself (I swear I didn't use your name protector and protect in the same sentence on purpose lol) but my point is you are chalked full of defense mechanisms and maybe you should explore that side of yourself and please another thing, STOP BRINGING YOURSELF DOWN INSIDE for being who you are, if your shallow SO WHAT! No one here is judging you for that and you shouldn't judge yourself negatively for being flawed, we all have something about ourselves we wish we could change so yeah your really not alone when it comes to having parts of yourself you don't like or can't let go of.

Now that you recognize you can't handle more than Saturdays you can now stop dwelling on breaking up with him and just enjoy yourself. I think you mix up attraction, I don't think you know what real attraction is and that's part of your problem, you had a son by a personality disordered man/abuser and contributed to emotionally jacking up all your senses/emotions and unfortunately for you the way you feel and perceive attraction is OFF BALANCE, as much as your ex isn't around to jack up your emotions he's still running the show and keeping you from getting to your happily ever after because he's inserted himself into your psyche and now you walk around with this jaded view of men, attraction and love, you've probably met the right guy several times over by now but what was once perceived as normal attraction no longer exist for you.

My point is, you have to relearn what NORMAL is, what normal attraction feels like, this is what many women struggle with when they come out of abusive relationships with men, they no longer remember how it feels to be attracted to a good man, she's so jacked up emotionally inside to be attracted to men that are abusive, to be attracted to men that are limited emotionally, to be attracted to a man that are unavailable mentally, emotionally and/or physically that when a good man shows up she's doubtful and she's disappointed and she ASSUMES she's never going to find that ONE great guy and you've probably found him already but you continue to reject him because your attraction levels are broken, they are off and it'll take EFFORT on your part to RECLAIM your ability to choose a good man that can step up.

I know this all seems odd that I would point this out but I know your attraction levels aren't working right because you CHOSE a man that can't give you the very thing you say you want, you've consciously chose an unavailable man and there are several reasons for choosing him, all valid reasons for you but not the healthiest choices and I encourage you to BE DETERMINED to reclaim your life back. Date until you begin to feel attraction for good men again, I want you to date good men until you begin to FEEL something other than ewwww or argh or heavy sigh or disgust or sadness. This is the ONLY way your going to GET YOU BACK, that part of you that is not able to FEEL anything for a good man. It takes time and it takes patience and it will take sheer determination on your part to get your abnormal attraction for limited men out of your life and back to normal.

What you may find is that you don't want Cap anymore once you begin to SHIFT into actually feeling not only great but you may find that you feel total attraction to all these great guys and the hardest thing you'll have to do is CHOOSE the best guy, you may discover you held onto Cap because he's plugged into your wounded self and as painful as it may be for him to be plugged into you that way it feels familiar and it feels good in a bad way.

tiki, I read your last two posts carefully & really tried to be honest with myself. I'm not sure how much I carry around from my abusive x into other relationships. I wasn't the typical abused woman...never felt I deserved it, knew I could be loved by other normal men, knew it wasn't my fault, I came from a loving, secure home, etc... I've been to numerous therapists to unlock the mystery as to why I would keep going back to him. That's why I put the question in my previous post...was I this way before him? Unable to connect emotionally in a healthy way AND be attracted to a guy.

This cap guy is a good guy; he's just not available/not willing to be with me completely. I didn't really chose him; he came to me after years of no contact and b/c I'm attracted to him, I went with it and now I keep hanging on, trying to figure him out or figure myself out?? I guess that is choosing, but just meaning I wasn't out looking. I have no desire to be around abuse; I knew that was never normal and never grew "use" to or "comfortable" with it.

I don't think of my abusive x at all when it comes to dating or how I view men. That part, for me, is now gone, thank goodness.

The sad thing is, there is more junk left over in different areas. In ways that others who haven't been with such a disordered, abusive person can even imagine. He's drilled into my sons head all kinds of distortions about me dating, sex, etc...I won't get into details (as this is not a board for abuse), but really sick stuff. My son and I have talked about it some; he doesn't believe any of it. He knows his dad is "off", but he is trying his best to find his own way to handle his dad. I get COMPLETELY STUCK in protecting my son (hence my name protector...i'm always protecting my son and like you said, "making excuses to protect myself"), which greatly affects my dating life. I have never introduced my son to any man and he's 18. As I previously posted, while he was young I had no conscious desire to date; my main focus was taking care of him and b/c of the dysfunctional father, I felt I had to compensate in my time/efforts with him. Everyone told me I needed my own life back then, but I did in my heart what I felt was right for my son. I guess only time will reveal the right/wrong of my choices in raising my son.

Now...I want to have some kind of relationship with a man, but I still skirt around it b/c I'm still protecting my son. As soon as the idiot (x) hears of it, he'll start spewing trash to my son. I don't care at all what the x thinks of me, says to me...it's my son I worry about. I think if I hold this scenario off long enough, my son will be old enough to not be permanently damaged by the tyrade and sickness from his dad.

I wouldn't even bother with these emotionally draining thoughts if it weren't for this cap guy. I just really like him, or do I— Maybe you're right, I don't know how to really be attracted to someone in a healthy way. Idk...Maybe it's just as simple as I'm a shallow mess and one can't have a emotionally fullfilling life being this way.

btw...I'm so appreciative of you trying to figure me out; I really am 🙂

Oh, and I do know that this means I'm still letting the abuser run the show. I just can't bring myself to let go of this part of it...protecting my son. And I also know that it's not protecting him, by me not having any kind of personal life. This is the dysfunction left over that still affects me and everyone around me 😢 I think I need to go to an abuse board, ha

Let me clarify myself, I don't feel or think you are actively going for abusers nor unavailable men but I do feel subconsciously you are only attracted to a certain type of man because you haven't well GROWN BEYOND your desire for a certain type, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, meaning you are the one placing LIMITATIONS on the kind of men you can fall in love/lust with. I'm sure when you were with your ex abuser he had you completely focused in on him like most abusers they require you to give 100% of your thoughts, time, energy, mind, emotions, body over to him and that's were the brainwashing and unhealthy attraction stems from and can and will carry over into your new life AFTER the abuser is gone.

My point is you have been "GROOMED" by this man to be attracted to men that have issues, men that are incapable/limited mentally and emotionally and you end up carrying the entire relationship, if you don't carry the relationship then your punished in some way for it and it appears your still punishing yourself but I don't think this is conscious behavior on your part.

Not only has the ex abuser drilled all kinds of distortions into your sons head, he drilled them into your head too, he's probably made you feel you don't deserve a good man, he's probably brainwashed you into believing his disordered BS on a subconscious level and that's why you chose another unavailable man but you traded up, you chose an unavailable that isn't abusive but he's still unavailable and you're comfortable with that but deep down you know your settling.

And this is were you can CONTROL the outcome of your relationships because you can actively begin to stop choosing these kind of men, begin to date men that are ready and willing, become friends with these guys and really spend time nurturing yourself back into FEELING ATTRACTED to men that are ready and willing and available for love but that takes time, when a woman has normalized emotionally lazy unavailable behavior from men or a man the last thing she's going to be attracted to are men who don't have these kind of issues.

Also your beyond protecting your son, your hiding behind your son, your using him as another excuse why you can't develop a great life for yourself, your son doesn't want to see his mom all alone and that's exactly what's going to happen if you don't begin to let go of your son, he'll be moving away soon developing his own great life for himself and then what excuse will you have after he's gone.

IMHO you suffer from laziness yourself, emotional laziness, it's easy to pick a good looking smoldering hot guy for love, good sex and attraction but it's harder to pick a guy that may not be smoldering but possess all the great qualities that make a man A REAL MAN, some women stumble in the dark because she's unwilling to tackle her own inability to stop being mentally/emotionally lazy herself so she'll opt instead to go were her feelings take her and she ends up with an abuser because our feelings aren't checking for morals, character, honesty, compassion, empathy. Understand? Women who live by her feelings typically end up choosing bad men, unavailable men because these are the men that are experts at making us feel really good inside but lack all the great qualities that make a man a REAL MAN, he doesn't have to develop those qualities because he's aware that he can make any woman fall in love through her feelings.

One of the reasons why you haven't chosen to date is your taking the path of least resistance or not taking a path at all, that's your way of dealing with your issues and that's not something you can avoid forever and if you do avoid it you'll be either lonely and alone, in a very limited bond with a man and/or end up with another abuser.

You're with an emotionally lazy man because on some level you too are emotionally lazy, as painful as these limits can be and as stifling as it is on your growth it's comfortable.

I don't mean to analyze you to death and I can be harsh, sorry If I sound judgmental, these are merely my observations, you can take it or leave it.

My suggestion is to slowly tackle your own ideas that are making you emotionally lazy, be determined to stop placing so many mental blocks on your love life, tell yourself a new story, say I can and I will pick a man that's compassionate, that's available and loving and I'll date as many men as many times as I have to until I can see beyond these self imposed limits.

You can stick with what you have or you can grow up and learn how to develop a better love life and NO it's not easy and if you stay in this emotionally limited lazy space then what I'm saying won't make sense to you and won't be something you want to do because you'll be content with what you have and stay were you are.

One thing for sure is this, your cap isn't interested in anything else so don't even try to convince him to want more because it's not your responsibility to fix him nor convince him he should want more, your best option is to actively date men who are actively seeking a loving relationship and can love you without limits and keep dating good men until you change your mind and realize your not as shallow as you think you are if you just put in some emotional mental physical work to move beyond it.

OMG... I — Tiki. That is all.

tiki, hmmmmmm...I have to read this some more. I like "emotionally lazy", that makes sense. Maybe I'm just "emotionally stupid"?

I'm just not sure about the "left overs" from my abusive x...Something hit me today...Fear, I have been scared of something my whole life. Don't know why. There is always something I'm scared of to the point of I do nothing except what I have to.

Going out to eat, I'll read this again and post more later. Should I PM you? I feel I'm getting off the "cap board" topic.

Emotionlly fearful is more like it. Tiki is hitting the nail on the head. I realized this about myself 18 months ago when my boy went off to college. I had not dated for several years because I was busy raising him alone and trying to get him sharpened up for a college scholarship. I didnt know how I was neglecting myself. It just became my *norm* to be alone and not date.

The first man I fell for was the scorp who was just ending a marriage. Very bad timing, he wasnt/isnt ready to be what I want him to be, just like your cap man. I agree with all Tiki has said, because I ve lived it. I am not ready to take on active dating and seeking the full monty...love, commitment, fully and openly. Here's to us BOTH being emotionally brave to let it all be fabulous!!

BGP, I think we both did what we really felt was right for our boys. I can't go back and change my heart from what it was feeling then to what it's feeling now. I'm not saying it was right/wrong; it's just what I had to do and wanted to do. There is nothing wrong with wanting a significant other while raising a child as a single mother; I just simply did not have the desire to make it a priority. I was content being alone while raising him.

I guess my point/question is...were we neglecting ourselves? I had girlfriends that provided a social life, so it's not like all I did was 100% my child. I never longed for a guy, though not totally adverse to it either if it came along. Well, it finally came along, in the form of this cap guy. I think I would be feeling this way about him no matter when he came into my life. I think he's bringing out my emotional dysfunction, not me raising my child (neglecting myself?) or my abusive x. While I am admitting my emotional laziess, emotional fear, emotional stupidity...I don't think choosing to raise our kids and not actively pursuing dating is/was a problem for us. I could be wrong, of course.

Having said all that...now I want my own life. I feel like a juvenile trying to navigate through dating. I was happier before, not dealing with it. I guess that's a red flag on my own emotional capabilities? Other than my child being emotionally happy and healthy, I don't know exactly what I want?? I know his abusive father has made me over board on attempting to ensure this happens, but I don't know what else to do. I feel that is my goal & responsibility, not finding a man. But I do like this damn cap man :/

Tiki...I'm still processing your posts, takes me a while to "get it", ha

"Other than my child being emotionally happy and healthy, I don't know exactly what I want??"

Nobody said it would be easy navigating through dating but it's a necessity, you have to KNOW what you want or you'll just take whatever show up. That's part of being lazy, attempting to take the path of least resistance to love and most women end up were you are in a very limited powerless position.

At some point you'll have to stop the laziness that feeds into your shallowness, your shallowness is the lazy way, it's easy to go to a guy that has a HISTORY of falling off the face of the earth only to come back and delegate a ONE day relationship on his terms, it's easy to just go along, suffer in silence and live in desperation, desperately hoping he'll change his mind, hoping for more or you can decide to take control over your love life and begin to really date other men and really get to know them and learn how there great qualities will ADD happiness into your life. Compare what being shallow brings to your life versus what great qualities like morals, character, compassion, empathy will ADD to your life. Once you see for yourself that being shallow, emotionally lazy isn't actually adding anything positive to your world you'll slowly begin to LOVE great men with great qualities and they'll love you back, the hardest decision you'll have to make is which guy am I going to choose.

The only person holding you back is you....Change takes effort, tremendous effort and will, being shallow has hindered you from developing something called inner strength, shallow requires that you see it and feel good about what you see and feel, inner strength dictates that you move away from someone that isn't adding quality to your life no matter how smoldering he is. Understand? You just haven't developed that inner strength quality yet.

If you're sincerely happy with your Cap then by all means stay but maybe you should consider finding a way to develop and strengthen your own inner qualities, I can assure you, you probably won't want the cap dude anymore when you just can't go along with being with someone one day a week, once you develop your innerself you won't even be able to make yourself want less because your self esteem will be too high to accept so little from a man, he'll get kicked to the curb real fast or manage to step up and meet you half way and meet your standards.