79 ways to lose your man...ROFL!

Best Way #1. Always end arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's confided to you...against him. Then add, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!"

2. Beg him to read your journal.

3. Don't mince words. If he asks, reply, "Why, yes, dear, now that I look at it, your penis is the smallest I've ever seen in my life."

4. You know you shouldn't call him too much, so say to yourself, "I'm an adult. He's an adult. I refuse to play stupid games."

5. Call him repeatedly.

6. If he doesn't call back, email him. If he doesn't return your email, fax him a funny little joke. If he still doesn't call, drop by his office and surprise him with a "cute" card. If he's not at his office, drive to his house, wait for him at his front door and, when he arrives, tell him he can do anything he wants with you.

7. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?"

8. Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, "So, where do we stand as a couple?"

9. Just happen to have tickets to a play. Convince yourself the man loves plays. Call him and say, "I have two tickets to Frozen Eggs, where the actress harvests her eggs onstage and delivers a fascinating monologue about it!" Whatever you do, don't have tickets to anything exciting like a play-OFF.

10. Rarely wear high heels to bed.

11. Be the first woman in recorded history to actually tell a man exactly how many chaps she's slept with.

12. Every time he makes a joke, roll your eyes and say, "Very funny. Ha ha."

13. Count the number of days since the last time you saw him. Get so freaked-out about the number of days since the last time you saw him, spend all the time when you actually see him telling him there's been too much time since the last time you saw him and you think he'd see you more often if he only got to know the "real" you.

14. He may not want to know about the real you, but never mind. Keep telling him about the real you anyway. Chase him down the street if necessary, claw at his trousers if you must, but by all means, keep telling him all about the real you.

15. Make him watch the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

16. Fixate on the future. Focus on his taking you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day.

17. If he does not take you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day, act real light and breezy, and then suddenly collapse in a heap, burst into tears and inform him he has "intimacy issues."

18. Speaking of which, always cry after sex.

19. Better yet, cry during sex.

20. Criticize his mother.

21. Borrow $ 2,300 from him.

22. Maintain a ladylike air of dignified seriousness when snogging.

23. Ask him about his "personal feelings concerning the relationship" while he's watching the final two minutes of the seventh game of the NBA championship series. If he doesn't hear you, snap off the TV and hurl the remote out the window.

24. He'll refuse to speak to you after you've hurled the remote out the window, but so what? This is an excellent opportunity to confront him about his "fear of being inferior."

25. Do you own an old pair of baggy maroon sweatpants? Wear them.

26. Every night.

27. Blind yourself to his faults. (Of course, if you happen to see a fault by mistake, immediately point it out to him.)
28. Is he feeling a tad overwhelmed by the serious turn your affair is taking? Surprise him with loads of expensive gifts for no reason.

29. Say sweetly, "Either your idiot dog goes...or I go."

30. Withhold sex for two weeks.

31. In the first month of your affair, tell him you love riding in his Jeep with the top down. In the second month, tell him you sometimes like the top up, but you love all the windows down. In the third month, tell him to roll the top and the windows up, or he can stick his frickin' Jeep up his frickin'...(you get the picture

I thought #37 was a close one, but yours is blunt as fukk!

That was funny!