inherent characteristics overriding me

I am experiencing something for the first time. I am always able to flip the switch after a breakup and even if I love that person I can walk away and I will be fine. With the breakup between the Libra and myslef, I walked away but I elected not to flip the switch. I was very content to let the happy times linger in my head and almost keep the fantasy alive. I liked being able to think back about meeting him 22 years ago and then reuniting with him last year. The only time I would talk about him was on here, never in real life.

Anyway here's what's new for me at least. As I am blissfully reminiscing my inherent charateristics kick in and override my thoughts. In the middle of me thinking how nice it was kissing him again the thoughts slam against a wall and my mind starts screaming every negative the man has. It's as if my mind is forcing me of it's own volition to walk away emotionally. This has happened every single time I have tried to have a happy thought about him over the last few days. It almost feels like some instinct has kicked in and taken over. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

The relationship was long distance and we saw each other evey other month. Things started fizzeling out sometime at the end of the year. We tried to keep it together January but by February it was clearly over. We had one last meeting last week that went horrible. I think I refused to let myself think of his negatives until that last meeting. It went so bad that now the negatives are overwhelming. I guess all in all it took me 3 months to get to this point but I'm not sure my thoughts would have been overriden like this if it wasn't for those nagtives being shoved right in my face last week. He was too controlling and I suspect an alcoholic. So the intrusion into my happy thougts are of a drunk man screaming vulgarities at me. Which seriously sucks because he was always my go-to fantasy guy LMAO!

You are right on all accounts! My avatar was made by a computer geek friend of mine who took a childhood picture of me where I was wearing Wonder Woman Underoos and doing what looked like stomping my foot.

Could be, I dunno. She made it for me back in 2003. I am a computer/internet dummy, I can't even find where/how to edit my posts here...

Ok I just went back and read what I wrote on this thread. I think I figured out why I didn't want want to let go emotionally-- like I said for 22 years he was my go-to fantasy guy. Just thinking of him could get me where I needed to be, sorry if TMI. And I am pretty sure my mind is screaming the negatives at me because he crossed a line that has never been crossed with me before. I had never had someone get so mad at me that they called me a c*nt. Yeah he was drunk and apologized and I am not so sensitive that a word would wound me but how the hell do you ask someone to marry you and then within a minute or two later you call them a c*nt.

I guess I should just be thankful my mind is doing what it needs to do. But damn it that fantasy and illusion is shattered forever.

I didn't think I was being a c*nt. We were alreay broke up and we had already discussed the fact that I couldn't marry him a month before so when he got drunk and asked again I didn't say anything except we already talked about that. When he kept on I think I blinked a few times but kept quiet. That's when he called me a c*nt and went off on me being too calm and guarded.

I'll leave the weirdness of the fantasy comment alone other than saying he was my first love and sexy as hell at 19. I think men and women are different when it comes to fantasizing. I don't know if men realize how much women actually fantasize. If you're lucky, it will be you you're lady fantasizes about.

*your