Long-distance relationship

I have met this girl while she visited my country for holiday last October. Since then she have come back to see me and we agreed we want more and to be a couple. This January we decided to go on a long 2 month trip together which has been great however now she is back home and so am I.

I started a new job because currently I am not able to leave my country for personal reasons and we were in talks of her relocating here. While she has not decided yet she has been having doubts mostly (or thats what she says) because she is scared of not able to find a job soon and with decent salary or she will not be happy with new job etc.

She is considering going back to her contract job, which she does 6-7months a year and then will be free for the rest of the year. She would be around 2hrs flight + a train away but I am not sure if we would survive a long-distance.

She has been distant this week because of that and still says that she wants to be with me but is super scared of all the changes. Any thoughts? Not even sure of how to make her feel better even when I ask

distance relationships are either things that are not gonna happen, or a moment prior of getting together and have an actual relationship, if you're already feeling the thing wouldn't survive, that pretty much says it all.

you both need to evaluate what you want from this, and make the roadmap to get there, otherwise there's nothing that this could offer you or her, after all a long-distance relationship is all about communication.

I feel I need give her space to make her own decision so not sure if I should mention again about this. She will have to put in a decision by end of this week because of the old job. We are in a different country and the only way to communicate is text or video calls.

@nanobot - thank you for your feedback. Indeed I am, we agreed that she would live with me in my place and I have no problem with supporting her until she finds a job. She is not much comfortable with all of it though as she is used to be independent.

Before we met she was not in a lot of serious relationships so this is a big jump for as it is for me too...we feel both new to this and in a way scared too if we are rushing or not. But we know that there was no single moment in the last 4 months that we felt bored of each other and needed space.

As for travelling to go see her and other way around is not the biggest issue for both although it would cost more than 50eur as where I come free does not have much options for flights, but still do-able if the work for both permits.

If we had to live in a separate country for a while longer (till after summer), not sure I would be able to handle it physically not to have her so close. Its a beginning of a relationship and its not so 'matured' yet, in the sense that we are still getting to know each other but doing that remotely. Does that make sense?

Not on topic, but I sometimes forget that Americans are so use to traveling due to how large our country is, that I forget that other countries, even traveling 30 minutes seems like a long distance.

I spent the first few years of my relationship, with it being an LDR. Mind you, not different countries, but with the US being as large as it is, it was about a 5 hr flight to see each other. LDRs are doable as long as there is at least an expectation that one of the other is going to relocate.

But for now, given it is only 4 months in for you guys, you just have to prove that you will be there for her. It hasn't been enough time to establish that for her subconsciously. And I do think that you guys may be moving a little two rapidly, for the time frame of your relationship. Discussing such big life changes, should occur, but it doesn't have to be "now" for the move. I think allowing the relationship to progress, and additional visits will help with a lot of building up the trust needed to help assuage the doubts she may be experiencing, just due to lack of time.

She's being distant because she wants you to stop be essing and get her committed with you being her sugar daddy. If she moves with you she is not going to expect to work so either play that role or get the other potential mate you have in your lineup

@nikkistar thank you for your comment, that gave me a little more hope. I will wait for her decision or the next moment she wants to hear from me. We had a very good talk last night and its really in her hands now and she knows I am committed to support her as much as she needs. If I was in her position I would not want to be supported financially either until I settle as I am totally independent too.

Its true though that we can relocate later to one country I just hope we will manage to stay and feel close to each other as I feel she is a good catch that I am not ready to lose this soon!

@LibraSupreme - what?

hi I am not rushing her it was something we agreed on and actually suggested from her side to come to my country. If anything she is rushed on a decision as she needs to decide if to take her old job as a new contract for 7months or come next to me as was mentioned before....

Dude, it hard to hear this but long distance is more work than benefit.

Unless ur rly serious abt this girl, don't spend too much time on this. Give her an ultimatum to make a decision or finish it. Someone gave me the same advice before, plenty of fish in the sea.

@gemNi the options are to either leave everything and come next to me or for now do the contract job again and we see again how we are until after summer.

Due to being together only 4 months we agreed that it is crazy just for her to leave everything and we decided on doing the long distance.

How do you do long distance when it will be hard to meet due to the nature of her work? Even if its 6 months which can be little or not depending how it feels.

She is scared and I am too even if i am not showing that to her. I dont know how to do this but don’t want to lose her. I know this is the right choice for us ar this point in time and keeping our independence and space is important for both. How do i assure her that we can do this?

"How about you both try assuring each other what each of your needs are going to be in a long distance relationship. I have no clue what that is but It goes both ways. " - dont know how to approach that

We would be talking in evenings on video/call/text yes, it will be very hard. She is super scared and pushing me away. I got the feeling that she will want to break up so she just doesnt have to try to handle this situation.

And yes she spent all the money while we travelled so now needs money asap, so definitely it was sensible for her to take the safer job that would make her more money too than coming to relocate for now.

We are currently long-distance already and we are discussing these things on text, which is scary I dont want to lose her.

"We are currently long-distance already and we are discussing these things on text, which is scary I dont want to lose her."

If this goes on as a LDR you already did (lost her). It's just a matter of time. A common outcome for 99.99% of all LDR. Unless you move together (thus, it's no longer a LDR). There are some successful relationship - "which started as LDR (that's how they met - while latter they moved together)" - but that's usually how far it can get (till things starts to fall apart). I mean, seriously... you'd have to search really hard to find some successful long LDR. And even then - it's probably between people with mental disabilities (not necessarily handicapped, more like... part of the autism spectrum). Or even psychopathy. Since it's empathy and emotional intimacy what most people crave/need - while aiming to be part of a romantic relationship. But that's not necessary for psychopaths (sex and some mutual interests is usually enough).

Ahh yes, “fear of loss” is a great closing tool, but not great in personal relationships 😉

Stop worrying about it and start taking action. Fear will kill anything. Positivity can make anything great. Its all in your outlook. Communicate ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING. Thats how you make it work. Reassure eachother, think positive, come up with multiple contingency plans and BE EXCITED. Something amazing is gonna happen.

Posted by neves

"We are currently long-distance already and we are discussing these things on text, which is scary I dont want to lose her."

If this goes on as a LDR you already did (lost her). It's just a matter of time. A common outcome for 99.99% of all LDR. Unless you move together (thus, it's no longer a LDR). There are some successful relationship - "which started as LDR (that's how they met - while latter they moved together)" - but that's usually how far it can get (till things starts to fall apart). I mean, seriously... you'd have to search really hard to find some successful long LDR. And even then - it's probably between people with mental disabilities (not necessarily handicapped, more like... part of the autism spectrum). Or even psychopathy. Since it's empathy and emotional intimacy what most people crave/need - while aiming to be part of a romantic relationship. But that's not necessary for psychopaths (sex and some mutual interests is usually enough).

whaaaaaaaat the fuck are you talking about?!

I am meeting her in 2 weeks, but this last 2 days it has not been good, she has tried to break up with me or I am not sure if we broke up. She keeps saying that she is scared and maybe she is not in love with me.

She asked me if I am willing to go meet her even if it might be that she feels she is not in love anymore and could be the last time.

I am confused what to do, we have been away from each other for a bit more than a month and I guess some of the issues we had with trust did not go away. She doesnt trust me fully, I got to know more about this in the last days.

I have no idea how to show her my loyalty and that i never looked elsewhere. She says she is really attracted pyhsically to me but not sure about the feelings. Also if I go meet her she is not sure how she will feel and if she will want to have sex or not with me even if attracted to me.

My brain is mind-blown, it feels I got lead to believe lots of things, i dont know what to do.....I feel i need to see her and see how it feels to be together. What do I do?

Just yesterday, she was just chasing me and even called me without me asking, I am trying to give her space as we agreed. Then she met a good friend of hers while on camp at work which told her that should reconsider if she is not sure of her feelings and if there is not enough feelings and then booom the above 😭

I am worried when she says that she is not sure of her feelings and now she keeps it with being cold as possible but still pointing out what makes her feel insecure or jealous etc. Just wish we spoke before, i know for her is not easy to talk face to face but feel a bit helpless. If she is not able to talk face to face how will it be when we meet?

Will I be wasting my time spending so much money to go meet her? But then again not sure I want to feel the guilt of not going. In my head I feel it can be a test to prove to her that I care and understand her problems and I do wanna do something about it. Just not sure it is the same for her....As a charchter myself I try to do anything I can before I decide to move on and I do it only with the persons I feel they are worth.

Do you think it is bad if maybe both of us do not feel in love anymore?? I have hard time understanding if it is cause we are far apart for some time and not sure how to build it while we are apart. I still do like her a lot and very much attracted and she says the same. What if we change our relationship to a different arrangement? That of basing it on the times we will be able to see each other until her contract is over? I am not sure she will accept it though as if she feels jealous as we are now, and i swear i dont care about anything else, can imagine if we are more open..

I was in two, wouldn't go there again, it takes away spontaneity....having to plan everything ahead

If I was to have another lover it would be jump in the shower>>>jump in the car>>>jump on him😈😀

We will meet if we both agreed, in 2 weeks. How should I act in the meantime? Should we agree on the date and place and give her lots of space and act as a friend rather more than a partner? Maybe that will calm things down more?

@gemNi so lots of ups and downs since my last post in here. We have met and it has been a really nice 3days together and I know it was for her too. But going back to our lives has not been easy, she has been so unsure and confused about feelings and I think mostly cause of the situation of her having a different life there with her contract job till September. Where it will be very hard to meet again and to build on anything until then.....

She broke up with me and after I accepted and cut the call, she went crazy and told me she did not mean it and that she misses me. We spoke again the next day cause she asked me to and then she was still confused which kind of pissed me off a little as I expected her to open up a little...I assured here that still in my opinion its kind of normal to feel like this as it feels like this was our journey till now:

- We meet first time, spend the next week together all time

- She has to leave back home and we don't meet at all for the next month

- She comes back to my country and we spend 2 weeks all the time together except when I had to work

- She leaves again for travelling

- We meet again a month after where I join her travelling for 2months.

- 2 months gone by and we go back to our separate ways and fast forward 2 months from there it is where we are today.

For me it feels we never had normal dating which I think it helps with laying down the foundations properly, getting to know each other better, missing each other, doing dates etc. Even if I am not a traditional person at all I think this is important if you want to take any relationship further on to fun and physical attraction.

Anyway, after this call we left it as it was already, to break it off but then the next early morning she texted me and we spoke for like an hour before both going to work and decided on giving it a go to take a break until she has finished her contract. Find a way after that to be together after I pointed out the points above.

Now after deciding on that, actually suggesting it, I am not sure anymore if I would be able to do this for the next 5 months. We haven't really defined anything on what this means except she told me we should still text and call.

I don't know how I should react on text etc..I know she will be super busy, and I dont know if I should act like a single person...although deep down I want her...

Posted by sharon183

"How about you both try assuring each other what each of your needs are going to be in a long distance relationship. I have no clue what that is but It goes both ways. " - dont know how to approach that

We would be talking in evenings on video/call/text yes, it will be very hard. She is super scared and pushing me away. I got the feeling that she will want to break up so she just doesnt have to try to handle this situation.

And yes she spent all the money while we travelled so now needs money asap, so definitely it was sensible for her to take the safer job that would make her more money too than coming to relocate for now.

We are currently long-distance already and we are discussing these things on text, which is scary I dont want to lose her.

I see. She spent all her money while with you so how can she believe that you will support her in life if you didn’t support her enough being on vacation?

Point is: you aren’t the person who can afford to support another person fully. That’s what her problem is.

And I will not take a no for an answer and she might not ever tell you that.

@gemitati - erm what?

"She broke up with me and after I accepted and cut the call, she went crazy and told me she did not mean it and that she misses me"

hell no, that's a red flag, and being passive-aggressive in a long distance "relationship" is just dumb, and I get the feeling that your conversation are not really that pleasant anyway, there's no emotional transparency there.

and why you even want to deal with that, for a poosay? common, the only thing she will suck is your happiness, that's not gonna change, she is not developed enough, and you're not in the best stage either.

It has been a very challenging and confusing week. After the last comment here we spoke a lot about taking a break and setting expectations. I told her that I will be going a trip maybe (no tickets bought) with a friend to a place. She seems to have not liked it so much and just said that since its a special place why would I want to go with a friend and not her? Then she specified that she is not able to travel anywhere until she finishes her work contract in 6months or so. I assured her that I just wanna go to take a break from here since it is very hard to go meet her or I would choose that...but then she just told me that I should just go to this trip.

This made me feel really bad 😢

Anyway yesterday we had a call (we could not do video, connection on her side is really bad 😢 ), after talking for a while about expectations for this break - mostly working on ourselves, she just changed the conversation and said its best if we break up and thats how it ended.

I send her 1-2 messages after the call, just saying that it makes me feel very sad about this decision after working so much hard in trying to find a middle way and we agreed on a space.

But now she is ignoring me 😢 I don't know what to do, I feel I want to move on and not contact her anymore but she is special. How do I handle her? She feels more like a Cancer sign rather than a Gemini!!

Posted by sharon183

@gemitati - erm what?

How is this had happened that she spent ALL her money on vacation?

Have you paid for everything separately?

When you said you will take care of her she had remembered how you ‘took care’ of her and having a hard time to believe she will financially survive next to you.

That’s all.

Apparently sex is good. So she misses you but it’s dead.

You are not in love. You both just like each other because there aren’t other options as of yet.

Are you stingy?

Is she a spender?

I am at this moment on the train to my Aries and it’s been going on for 6 months. None of us feel this is long distance. But we are older so...

Just remain friends until it’ll faded.

This shit doesn’t seem real for both of you.

This weekend I have posted a picture on my social media, while with friends and she got jealous sending me that I should have not posted anything. When I asked her why she told me that it made her feel bad!

I thought she does not want anything to do with me anymore, confused!!!