Hilarious sex stories - Good ones only

Hey, I couldn't find the thread that had the crazy sex stories on it... But you will luuuvvvv this one. (Lightening up my mood)

Last night I being the horney scorp. Just turned down my Libra friend's invitation to see me... Decided it was time for some self pleasuring with a little help from my little friend with batteries...

So I am all set and I turn my little friend on and it starts out fine, then all of a sudden, it stops... I am livid, going crazy trying to find more double C batteries and I remember.. This is pathetic... My daughter has Double C batteries in her 'V-smile' toy (a learning game program you hook up to your televeision) as she is asleep in her room at this time, I walk in there and take the batteries out and they work! Thank God! Exstacy from there.... My face turned red with embarrassment when my baby girl woke up, crawled in my bed and said, "mommy look" It was a battery (one of the ones that didn't work) I had just thrown them out of frustration. I politely took it from her and said, oh, that doesn't work...This would have been a great comedy script!!!!

Gotta remember to get my baby some more batteries for her V-smile. She is only 3 so hopefully she doesn't notice they are gone.

at least it was just the battery and not the toy.

when i bought my house, my parents were helping me move and my dad got a head start. he started packing up my bedroom and began with my dresser drawers. I didn't know he'd started packing my room. I walked into my room and said "Dad, let me pack up the dresser."

He said "It's too late."

I said, "what do you mean?"

He said "I threw it away" and then he gave me this 'shame shame - not my daughter' look.

OMG!!!!!! HP!!! now that is a good one!!!! LOL!!!! What did you do, turn red!!!!

Ohhhhhh, yikes! Your dad??!!??

I was shopping in a local.....ummm....."toy" shop with my boyfriend one day. It wasn't the best one in town, but the really good one is downtown... Mind you, I live in a rather large metroplex, so the probability that you are EVER going to run into someone you know ANYWHERE is around 0.00000001% .

So, anyway, we were looking around, and he goes his way and I go mine (and then we were going to meet back and see what we found). So, looking around, la la la la la... I find my new toy (no pun intended) and start looking for my bf to help him pick out his something. I am looking around, and all of a sudden the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. While this wasn't the first time we had done this (gone "shopping"), the probability that you would be shopping in the exact same "toy" store, at the exact same time, as you mother can be hair raising...

It is not everday that you get the opportunity for payback for all the hell she put you and your bf's through... So, I walk over:

Me: "Hey..."
She turns around, and her eyes get real big, "Uh, hey?!?"

Me: "Sooooo, whatcha doin'?" 🙂
Her: "Ummm, oh, um, nothing... What are you doing?"
Me: "Oh, um, um, nothing..."

By this time we are both cracking up... So, I start trying to peek at what she quickly had obscured behind her when I came up.

Me: "Whatcha got there—" 🙂
Her: "Oh, um, um, nothing..."
Her (trying to look behind my back): "Whatcha got there—"
Me: "Ahhhh..."

Hahaha!

Things got far more amusing when our respective boyfriends walked up. Obviously, they found the situation to be a bit less amusing and far more uncomfortable than my mother and I did... "Hey, uhhh... So, how are things going? Nice weather..." LOL

alcheme, a masterpiece!!! holding my mouth so people won't hear me gasp outside my office.....

OH god those are hilarious. Iv'e noticed that scorp girls seem to just find themselves in the strangest situations by complete accident.

Yeah, right, nic'----by "accident?" Don't you think they INVITE these amazing escapades?

"Iv'e noticed that scorp girls seem to just find themselves in the strangest situations by complete accident."
"Yeah, right, nic'----by "accident?" Don't you think they INVITE these amazing escapades?"

Noooo!?!? Those accidents are not what was intended to happen in those cases... That being said, from the outside in, I can see how objectively you might think Scorps invite them. But, you fail to comprehend that in most of those situations, objective thought (or any thought) is generally not present (or even possible) by said Scorp...

In the vast majority of Scorp sexual encounters (or atleast mine, perhaps I am different), it becomes a case of "I want therefore I do", "I feel therefore I act", "I desire therefore I get, NOW" (as simple as that)...

It is funny becauase they can be really meticulous and calculating and then all of a sudden find themselves in a situation they totally didn't see comming but everyone else did.

Ok, not really a sex story but this happened the other day.

I was breaking my "never drink alone rule" as I shouldn't really drive anywhere until I get this whole situation fixed. I was bored out of my mind and couldn't sleep so I had a few (5-6) drinks. I am pretty hammered and bored out of my mind and start messing around on the computer. I wake up the next day, smoke a cig and check my myspace account which I don't really do much of anything with except talk to old friends from out of state.

I have new messages, one from every girl I have "been with" that is a friend on my myspace. So, I check my inbox and every one of them is yelling at me, calling me an asshole and telling me they hate me and all this. So I get to thinking "Uh oh, I must have done something stupid" as I couldn't really remember anything except getting on the computer. Well, my page is normal, no messages in the outbox....wait a minute, these are all responses to a bulletin I apparently posted. So, I go check the bulletins and sure enough I filled out some stupid 50 question survey. Well, I found what caused such a scene.

This was one of the questions and the answer I gave.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is something that all of your ex's have in common?


The clap.


I win.

____________________________________________________________________________

I had to reply to everyone explaining that I was drunk when I filled it out and I was obviously just joking. Yeah, don't joke about sex on the internet when drunk I guess.

ROFL!!! Hahahahahahaha!

Amusing, I spent my time that night filling in those questions in everyone's DXP profile. Didn't finish, but got atleast 50 of them...

I can't believe they actually took it serious. WTF?!? That is just hilarious...

Yeah when I was reading it I just started busting up. I say the most random stuff sometimes.

Yes, those pure innocent Scorpios just kind of slip into those bizarre sexcapades. Do you SUPPOSE it might have "something" to do with their nature?

nic', where's your story? (I should say WHICH story, right?).

"Yes, those pure innocent Scorpios just kind of slip into those bizarre sexcapades. Do you SUPPOSE it might have "something" to do with their nature?"

**blink, blink - sweet, innocent look**

I have no idea what you are talking about what-so-ever...

When it comes to sex I have I don't really get embarrased. I usually make an off the wall comment and have a giant smirk on my face. I know there is a lot of situations I have been in sexually that would make others want to die of embarrasment and I just kinda make a joke out of it. I am a lot more likely to get embarrased for the other person than I for myself.

I mean there was the time my mom walked in on me rubbing one out to but I made a joke about the situation and wasn't embarrased.

My dad walked outside to smoke a cigerette and I was doing my girlfriend with her sitting sideways in the seat of the truck and he got all embarrased.

There was the time my best friend and his girlfriend came over and took a seat on the couch and turned on the tele, my girlfriend and I didn't hear them come in because we were going to town in my sisters bedroom on my sisters bed and afterwards she thought it was funny to steal my boxers so I put on her thong. Backwards. Walked out into the living room to discover my best friend and his girlfriend staring strait at me. I just smiled and walked past them to the kitchen to get something to drink.

I mean, all of these would be embarrasing if I didn't get a kick out of random stuff like that.

Were talking about the guy that randomly calls up his mom and says "look mom I just wanted to thank you"

"thats sweet, for what son"

"well, I have the most beutiful example of the male genitalia I have ever seen and I can't help but think your genetics had a part in that so I just wanted to thank you. I better get back to work, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you mom."

Yeah....I am pretty hard to embarras sexually. I can get embarrased pretty easy otherwise, my mind is way too quick and sometimes I say the most random stuff and then go "oh snap, I really shouldn't have said that." But I can't really think of anything. I'll have to think real hard and see if I can come up with something.

ROFL!!

"well, I have the most beutiful example of the male genitalia I have ever seen and I can't help but think your genetics had a part in that so I just wanted to thank you. I better get back to work, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you mom."

LOL!!!

I do have to ask, though...

"the most beutiful example of the male genitalia I have ever seen"

Have you seen many?!?


What is your Mars in, btw?

Nic, just reconfirming that you are totally INSANE!!!!! Luv that!!!

LOL that's hilarious!!! Never heard of strip UNO....my my aren't we all creative when we want to be??

very funny Merc 😛

"if you like that one, try strip wrestling. u wear clothes, and bisically try to strip the other person naked and pin 'em."

I didn't know there was a name for that. I usually just start wrestling around then we get turned on. Maybe because instead of "pinning" them I start touching them in naughty places. Submitting lustfully is like pinning right?

If she gets you in the leg lock, you're half way there. 😉

Nice MercInaries, Nice....