letter to a libra

Profile picture of carbonscorp
carbonscorp
@carbonscorp
8 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 32 · Topics: 7
Dear libra,

There are some thoughts that I've kept hidden for months, and even years, that I want to express. Where do I start. We met when we were really young. You always made me feel a way that to this day I cannot fully explain...warm, safe, and understood. The feelings were purely platonic at first and then they developed into something more. Then we finally started dating and it ended before it even began. We both hurt each other without meaning to or knowing how. We held onto each other for years afterwards, neither here nor there, neither just friends nor fully together. One would push and the other would pull. I guess we were both afraid of going back to something that ended so badly, especially because we couldn't figure out where it went wrong. Then I said some cruel words to you. You told me you couldn't trust me anymore and it was really over. All communication stopped. It was painful at first but it was what we both needed. Years passed. I finally stopped missing you. We both moved on. I dated a lot and had one very serious relationship. In the end I decided he wasn't the one so it ended.

One day, with a clear head and open heart, I decided to email you. I told you I wanted to be friends again. It was true. I had nothing more in my mind, partly because I was so afraid of being hurt again and partly because I knew that without a solid friendship, there could never be more. I was afraid you would not respond but I was prepared for that. To my surprise, you responded to my email kindly and said you think of me often. I don't know what that meant but I knew it felt scary and exciting at the same time. So we met up for the first time in years and those feelings of warmth came right back, like we never skipped a beat. I told you I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and you told me you had a girlfriend of 3 years. I thought nothing of it as I assumed you'd be attached. All I wanted was to re-build the friendship we once had because our friendship was the only thing that made sense to me. A friendship was also all my heart could handle at the time.

We kept in touch and one day you told me you were engaged. I was a bit gutted but still happy for you that you've found the one. Then moments later in the same conversation you told me that you guys actually already got married in city hall. You said she had wanted it. Oh, wow. There was a sting of pain, faint, but definitely there. I guess my solace was knowing that if you had found the one, then it means you're not the one for me, that the one for me is still out there, waiting. Even though it stung, a bit of weight was lifted off my shoulders because it meant I wouldn't have to figure out how to navigate a "we" again. That part was scary. So I congratulated you and that was that. I became busy with my career and you with yours. Years pass and we're able to maintain a friendship, something I thought was near impossible when I first emailed you again. I was glad for your friendship.

One day last year, you texted me asking if I had some time to talk. I knew it was something serious because it was so unlike you to be so direct. You told me you were just diagnosed with cancer, very early stage but it was definitely true. There was a sting of pain again, not faint but strong. I was scared for you. I was scared of losing you. I asked if there was anything I could do to help but you told me no, that your wife was taking care of everything. Of course. I told you I was thankful you had her. It was the truth. You kept me updated throughout your treatment course and I was relieved every time you told me the PET scan was negative for recurrence.

Now another year has passed and the cancer has been in complete remission for one year. I am so happy for you. We met up recently and I told you I was dating someone new, someone we're both friends with. You said you didn't think it would work, especially since he and I already tried before in the past. I'm not sure I agree with you but appreciate your insight and value your opinion. That is why I love you so much. You have a way of drawing me out of my tunnel vision/feelings, to present to me a perspective that I should think of. We ended up walking by the river after dinner and it was so nice. Nice to just be able to chat freely and openly with someone who simply gets me. There aren't many people that I can connect with in that way. After chatting for a while, we felt some raindrops and I knew it was time to go. I knew because there was no way I could continue to talk to you in the way that we were while the rain fell softly upon us without me catching feelings. So we had to go. We hugged goodbye and that was that.

I would be lying if I said that I don't have more than platonic feelings for you sometimes. The strange thing is, those feelings never come in the moment when we are in the same physical space, chatting. I'm not brave enough for that. They come in the moments after, when I am alone with my thoughts. I don't know why. Maybe because it is safer that way. I respect your marriage and would never want your wife to get hurt. Believe me, whenever I get those feelings I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself, even though I know I would never act upon them. I don't know if you've noticed but I haven't really looked you in the eyes since the day you told me you were married. That would be too dangerous.

I'm not writing this letter because I want anything to change between us. Well, if I could wipe away those random instances of romantic feelings, that would be nice. I still believe that the one meant for me is still out there somewhere, waiting. I'm writing because I want to flesh out these thoughts. Our relationship has taught me what love really means. And maybe that is why you appeared in my life. I mean there's always the possibility that the gods above are really cruel but I refuse to believe that. When I was young, loving meant holding on tightly and never letting go. In hindsight, I realize holding tightly only meant inadvertently suffocating the both of us. Our friendship and past relationship has taught me that loving really does mean letting go, that loving means wishing for someone's happiness even if that happiness was not with me, that loving means patience, kindness and trust. No, I'm not in love with you, because I have no right to be. But I do love you. This is true.

Love,

Carbon
Profile picture of carbonscorp
carbonscorp
@carbonscorp
8 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 32 · Topics: 7
Posted by starwars
Posted by carbonscorp
Posted by starwars
Posted by Wineaux15
Posted by starwars
start the letter with "excuse me"
@Starwars why do you say that? Are you being bad?
didn't realize the thread is too deep for my shallow dxp joke


I actually found it quite funny 🙂


wew! good to know! lol

lovely letter btw, its cool you got it off of your chest

click to expand

Thanks starwars!