Troubles Brewing

Things have been fine with me and my guy since postponing getting married until lately.

I just told him tonight that I need a few days space to absorb an argument that we recently had. A brief synopsis: he has stayed in contact with an ex girlfriend, the one he dated briefly before me. This girl has a history of getting involved with married/attached men and I have told him a few times that it makes me uneasy that he corresponds with her. Part of our argument a few days ago was him defiantly telling me that he will not compromise and stop talking to her. He was the one who set me up with the question of "Do you want me to stop talking to her?" and my answer was "It would make me happier if you chose to". I didn't tell him that he must stop, but rather told him that it would be nice if he did. Instead, he said "She is my friend and I feel strongly about my friends and I'm not going to just stop talking to her".

I took that as he protects and cares about his friends more than he does his own girlfriend.

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is I am beginning to "keep score", meaning it's beginning to bother me that I do more things for him than I get in return. One of the things I pride myself in is not keeping score because I do things for people because I want to, but there does come a point where you would like a little bit of something in return, you know?

His roommate is still around and he and I just don't ever have any alone time anymore. When we are intimate at his house, I get shhh'd because he's afraid his roommate will hear us. Several months ago, the intimacy was so intense; now I feel like he's more concerned with what his roommate thinks rather than pleasing me.

He rarely comes to my place (mainly because I have had someone staying with me because Hurricane Ike destroyed her home), but I told him tonight that the romance is gone.

I've been a bit depressed lately because of work and personal issues

After I told him that I felt we needed a few days apart, he sent me a text message and said "for the record, I was going to come over to your place tonight and romance you and get us back on track"....it was almost like it was he was trying to lay a guilt trip on me.

I called him twice to discuss, but he won't pick up his phone and I truly hate texting when it comes to certain topics. I know his pride is hurt because I initiated the "few days off" bit, but I'm beginning to get so drained over this stuff.

sorry to hear your story hp, I can see a lot of factors that are coming in between you and your libra right now and it is draining your relationship with him.

For the friend factor, I believe one of two things:

1) He truely does believe he will not cheat on you with her, or his fd would not attach herself to him, so therefore he thinks what you are asking is not reasonable

2) Simply he does not care enough about you as you said, and cares more about his friendship.

But both these denominators are final, he doesn't give you more even if you are his gf. Make this known to him ~ or alternatively talk with him to see what is the reason behind his refusal. If its one you can decide if getting rid of the friend is necessary. If you do not wish to compromise, make this known to him, that its not an option.


Another thing that's been bothering me lately is I am beginning to "keep score", meaning it's beginning to bother me that I do more things for him than I get in return. One of the things I pride myself in is not keeping score because I do things for people because I want to, but there does come a point where you would like a little bit of something in return, you know?

I know what you mean, but can you be more specific?


The intimacy is a problem, how about arranging a outing with just the both of you?? How about a romantic evening out?? You need get away from all this stress, if you think the relationship is worth it, then I suggest you text and get in touch 🙂

my guy encourages me to talk to my ex! funny though, 2 years ago when we began dating, he appeared jealous of who I was going out with - now he claims he's ok with me talking and seeing my ex. maybe it's because he trusts me? maybe it's because he wants an out in case he sees his ex? I have no idea what to think....

the roomie is just a B class ass who sits on the sofa from the point he comes home until he goes to his room to get on the internet...eats fast food EVERY single night even though I always cook plenty for 3 people. yes, I'm still hurt over what he did back in December 2007 and he's about 3 months behind on his rent. I have told my bf twice that he needs to get more firm with the rent expectations because if he were renting from anyone other than a friend, that he'd be evicted. I told him that the roomie is taking advantage of him and because he lets him pay late, he will continue to push the envelope until you set him straight.

but i can honestly say what bothers me was his "I will not stop talking to her because I feel strongly about my friends" comment. It really made me feel discounted.

you = my boyfriend

i was reliving the moment.

LOL

good summary.

ok, team. you have the dilemma...now brainstorm!

🙂

yes, a changer sounds good. Too bad the change can't be the roomie developing better spending habits so he move out and live on his own....that has to come from his own demerit. My bf is getting tired of it; I think (I hope) it's just a matter of time.

I don't want to move in with him just yet. I'm scared of doing that type of stuff...weird, I know.

he owns and the roomie rents a room from him.

he bought this house as a repo with intent of fixing it up. over a year later, and the last thing done to it was paint the bedrooms and I helped with that 9 months ago!

does he really require rent from him? I would say yes, because it's an obligation this roomie has to pay for a roof over his head and a verbal agreement he made with a friend. But the way I see it is if he's behind on rent for whatever reason, then isn't that indicative of his character to some degree? Would you really want to consider someone that irresponsible and always behind on rent a true friend? Wouldn't you begin to question the loyalty?

The rent isn't unreasonable. I think it's $ 500 per month, which in Houston is cheap!

he made a payment arrangement with my boyfriend to pay $ 150 on top of his normal rent to get caught up...well it turns out the roomie asked for $ 200 back from his rent because he needed it for something he "forgot" he signed up for - something to do with his 4 wheel truck.

My thinking is you don't pay for what you forgot to sign up for and stick to your obligations to keep a roof over your head.

man, this feels good to bitch about. i just know that M is getting tired of his excuses and it's a matter of time before he tells him to leave...but man it feels good to vent.

To be honest, if my bf ever asked me to pick between him and someone else, I would pick the other person for the exact reason happening in your situation. First you tried to pick his roommate, now his ex, then who?

I like you HP but I have no doubt you wouldn't want him dictating who you could or could not speak to. In fact, you would probably be irate at the suggestion.

You said in your original post that you were a bit depressed because of work and personal issues. Do you think that this is colouring your view of things?

I really think you need to stop seeing his loyalties to others as disloyalty to you. Instead, try to see it as assurance of his loyalty to you. If he doesn't leave them for you, he will never leave you for anyone else.

hi ls. the issue has not been me dictating who he can and cannot speak to. he asked me if i prefer that he never spoke to her again and I was honest and said "I would be happier if you didn't"...perhaps some see that as a command, but it really wasn't - it was an honest response to his loaded question.

I tried to pick his roommate? No, I had no say in that and I still don't. M will make his own decision to ask him to move out or continue to put up with the late rent. The observation that his roommate is a jerk, irresponsible and spread lies about me to M's friends is independent of this situation.

as far as some depression i'm feeling, the things we're both dealing with relationship-wise are a contributing factor right now. Sure, anything can color your POV -

I do like your last statement about the assurance of his loyalty. 🙂

irish, no he clearly doesn't need the money.

my bf asked the roomie if he wanted to rent a place from him because he was living with his parents and thought that if he had some independence from his parents (he had been living with them since his divorce), that he'd grow more responsibility on being out on his own. Living at home, his mom fixed his dinners, did his laundry, he didn't have to pay rent, etc...

I think M's good intentions have backfired because the roommie hasn't made any observable improvements.

Got a call thismorning from M and his mom is in ICU and the doctors have asked him and his sister to come up to Dallas because things aren't looking good. Things like possibly losing a family member or loved one really does make you realize the things you take for granted.

It was the first time he'd cried in front of me.

I have to stay behind in Houston for a few more days. I'm hoping and praying she pulls through.

I'm all emotional now. This song isn't helping:

no, he'll stay at his parent's house. I don't know when they'll be home, so sending to the hospital is a good idea, but what do I send?

being the libra man that i am i say leave him. to much stress

Yeah I kinda agree. I got another call about 2 hours ago. Docs do not expect her to make it thru the night.

Yeah I kinda agree. I got another call about 2 hours ago. Docs do not expect her to make it thru the night.

This is really sad.

I suspect with everything going on in his life now that he may start to withdraw.

I know I can't take too many things in a row to turn upside down before I go hide for awhile.

What I think he would want from you is complete understanding and not to take anything he does or says at this time to heart. If you can be his soundingboard, that would really help IMO.

Good advice. His mom passed this morning. I have told him that I want to do what's best for him and if he wants me up there before the funeral that I would. Right now there is no pressure for me to be with him but he does know I'm here for him and I think that's what matters most