Panic attacks

I had one at work tonight, we had a huge event and all three floors were open and I had to work in all of them because we were understaffed by three people. When I was asked to work up stairs it was a nightmare because the gay rugby team were having their after party and it was legit shoulder to shoulder and I couldn’t even get to the bar “my manager under estimated ticket sales and they were well over capacity” down stairs was a leather party and everyone was off their face and this guy who knew my brother kept coming up to me and kissing me on the mouth and cheeks and he had been rimming everyone on the dancefloor (it’s his party trick) and it made me sick I swear I can feel a cold sore kicking in.

So I had to work up stairs again and then I had to do a round to get glasses because we ran out and It was impossible to get where I needed to go, I hate raising my voice to get people to move and and it was hot and people were touching me and I started to freak out but I knew we were under staffed and that we needed glasses and I knew I couldn’t leave and then I started getting suicidal thoughts and the urge to attack people like headbutt and glass or bite peoples ears off, I finally had to leave and I had a cry because I just couldn’t do.

The thing is that I love my new job and that I’ve taken steps to avoid this situation and because three people decided to call in sick on short notice it took its toll on me and now I’m embarrassed and upset, my manager didn’t even realised I left but I couldn’t do it, and I never give up as a worker because I think that’s the worst thing you could do.

Anyways what’s done is done

when the gay rugby club is not enough of a safe space anymore

I couldn’t get that guy kicked out because it’s social suicide, my brother knows him and he has to upkeep his image because he’s kind of a celebrity where I work. I should have handled it by telling him not to, I was starting to think he was getting off on kissing people after eating other peoples asses, next time I’ll just tell him “not tonight baby I know where you’ve been”. He came up to the main bar and started rimming his boyfriend and showing the patrons his cock and they all loved it, the bouncer just told him to go back down stairs to the leather party. It’s a bit laid back here...

I used to have anxiety at my last job and would have suicidal thoughts from the stress but this was the first time where I felt like I wanted to attack people and I started to feel like I was losing control and that’s when I left and cried because it’s hard giving up. I’m sitting with my manger now talking to him about it and we are having drinks.

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Don’t be shy I’m a big boy