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@nimbue
15 Years1,000+ Posts
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Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts
It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Racoon Mcgee, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously worried, Racoon Mcgee poked a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved brick was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Shabadoo Hazzablat. Racoon Mcgee had known Shabadoo Hazzablat for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Shabadoo Hazzablat was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... abrasive. Racoon Mcgee called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Shabadoo Hazzablat picked up to a very unhappy Racoon Mcgee. Shabadoo Hazzablat calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks panic before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually indiscriminately belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Racoon Mcgee. Why was Shabadoo Hazzablat trying to distract Racoon Mcgee? Because he had snuck out from Racoon Mcgee's with the brick only seven days prior. It was a striking little brick... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Racoon Mcgee got back to the subject at hand: his brick. Shabadoo Hazzablat yawned. Relunctantly, Shabadoo Hazzablat invited him over, assuring him they'd find the brick. Racoon Mcgee grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Shabadoo Hazzablat realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the brick and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Racoon Mcgee took the gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV, he had take at least ten minutes before Racoon Mcgee would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Shabadoo Hazzablat would be scarcely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Shabadoo Hazzablat was interrupted by six annoying sea lions that were lured by his brick. Shabadoo Hazzablat shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his wolverine and recklessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was Racoon Mcgee.
Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, Racoon Mcgee was out of the time machine and went sassily jaunting toward Shabadoo Hazzablat's front door. Meanwhile inside, Shabadoo Hazzablat was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the brick into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Shabadoo Hazzablat was relieved but at least the brick was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Shabadoo Hazzablat sassily purred. With a skillful push, Racoon Mcgee opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ass in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Shabadoo Hazzablat assured him. Racoon Mcgee took a seat wonderfully far from where Shabadoo Hazzablat had hidden the brick. Shabadoo Hazzablat belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Racoon Mcgee was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Shabadoo Hazzablat noticed a oafish look on Racoon Mcgee's face. Racoon Mcgee slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Shabadoo Hazzablat felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Racoon Mcgee asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the brick right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Racoon Mcgee's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Racoon Mcgee nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Shabadoo Hazzablat could react, Racoon Mcgee skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The brick was plainly in view.
Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts
Racoon Mcgee stared at Shabadoo Hazzablat for what what must've been three microseconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Shabadoo Hazzablat groped explosively in Racoon Mcgee's direction, clearly desperate. Racoon Mcgee grabbed the brick and bolted for the door. It was locked. Shabadoo Hazzablat let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Racoon Mcgee,' he rebuked. Shabadoo Hazzablat always had been a little selfish, so Racoon Mcgee knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Shabadoo Hazzablat did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his brick tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Shabadoo Hazzablat looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Racoon Mcgee. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Racoon Mcgee. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Shabadoo Hazzablat walked over to the window and looked down. Racoon Mcgee was gone.
Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts

Just yonder, Racoon Mcgee was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Shabadoo Hazzablat's place. Racoon Mcgee had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral sea lions suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the brick. One by one they latched on to Racoon Mcgee. Already weakened from his injury, Racoon Mcgee yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sea lions running off with his brick.

About nine hours later, Racoon Mcgee awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Racoon Mcgee did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious foxy forest, Racoon Mcgee was really lost. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he remembered that his brick was taken by the sea lions. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized sea lion emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha sea lion. Racoon Mcgee opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the sea lion sunk its teeth into Racoon Mcgee's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Racoon Mcgee's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts
Less than six miles away, Shabadoo Hazzablat was entombed by anguish over the loss of the brick. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened wolverine. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his love handle. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Racoon Mcgee... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the brick that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant sea lions, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
Profile picture of DK09
@DK09
18 Years5,000+ Posts
So I'm walking down the street and like I see the light turn green. That's it. That's the story. I'm so fucking high. You know, you know that I fuck shit up!
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@brianafay
19 Years25,000+ PostsSagittarius
Someone be with me. I don't want to be alone.

Lol

< a little scared.


She seems soooo nice. Beautiful too.
She's from Panama. She's an engineering student. She's very intelligent but also very warm and friendly.
I felt totally comfortable with her from the moment I met her...like I already knew her or something.

I should just ignore the fact that she's a Cap for now? and that I will probably want to strangle her after a few months of her trying to manage me?