Time ends and Begins Again

January 31st 2001, I get a promotion at work; I?m making good money. Things are going the way I imagined them to be. I worked toward a life of working on and with computers since I was 6 years old and those dreams are starting to take hold. I?m writing software for a company and enjoying it.

August 11th 2001, at a party I get introduced to two women. One is a tall blonde with a beautiful face, and a very nice body for a larger woman. The other has the largest breasts I?ve ever seen on a woman, she?s a brunette, and cute but just doesn?t have the same aura around her as the other woman. The blonde has this aura of confidence about her that just made her instantly sexy in my mind.

August 12th 2001, I remembered her but not her name. I got invited to a party at her house the next weekend.

August 18th 2001, I was sitting in my room, debating about going. I sometimes wonder what would?ve happened if I didn?t. The Brunette, Chrissy, had the hots for my friend Dan. No big deal I wanted the Blonde, Elizabeth, usually I go for redheads but there were just so many things about her that intrigued me beyond her physical appearance. At her party, I was just hanging out with her a lot. As midnight rolled around we were in her room alone, and we were kissing a bit. And she asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. Actually her words were ?Do you want to fvck me??

Now a little bit of back-story, she?s the first girl I?ve kissed, I was a virgin. In high school I had one girlfriend, but many girls who were friends. I was much more comfortable with girls who where friends than girlfriends. I dated girls but I never really put that much energy into it. I spent a lot of time investing myself into computers; girls just never seemed to be a priority. It wasn?t that I didn?t like girls, quite the contrary. I just never put them ahead of everything else that I did. And I wasn?t the type of guy to just use them for pleasure then continue with my own thing. I had the thought that if I?m going to be with someone physically I should be able to give them myself emotionally. I didn?t know it but this was probably my only chance with her. And after that night I jumped out of the ?Sex Pool? and into the ?We?re friends Pool?. You can g

Now I was very interested in what she wanted to do, but I couldn?t bring myself to continue it, I wanted to. But part of me didn?t think it was right. Well, the big head one out over the little head, and I didn?t continue, but I made up my mind that I wanted to be with this girl.

Over the next few months, I try my best to make it known that I would like to be with her. We would go out on a few dates, but for the most part we were hanging out with a larger group. But I would call and talk to her, right her emails, on our first ?date? I brought her a little white teddy bear that held a single red rose. She worked nights, so once in a blue I would drive up to her work and leave a rose on her car with a poem. Now this might sound a bit like stalking, but its not. At the time we we?re hanging out near every day of the week, and definitely on the weekends. Over time though she fell for another guy that we hung out with. Well, that blew me out of the water. I?ve operated under the idea that if I put my mind to it I can accomplish anything. And when I tried everything I could, and it didn?t turn out the way I envisioned, it made my world crumble.

Now I?m not the guy who gets everything he wants and had the world handed to him with a silver spoon. I had to work for the things I attained, in school, in work, I tried my hardest to achieve the things I wanted, and I got them. But this, this screwed me up. I thought that perhaps maybe there?s something grievously wrong with me. I even ended up asking why exactly did she decide not to date me. Her answer was timing; she?s known the person she was dating for 16 years. She had just gotte

Hey Capricorn Guy,

Sounds like you're going through quite a time. I don't know what it is, but something in me just seems to think that this particular woman is not the one you should focus on too much. It just seems to me that she brings a lot of dark murkiness into your world, if you really think about it. Sure, you can be immensely attracted to her, even really like her, but unless you're absolutely in love with her beyond the shadow of any doubt, is she truly worth so much agonizing? We have all been there, figuratively (and/or literally) tossing and turning over someone, being so enamored with them, or infatuated, that we "must have" them. I just don't know if true love is supposed to feel that way. I have this theory that real love will actually act as a calming influence. In the beginning stages of course you will be all incurably lustful toward the person, and "twitterpated" (and I am sorry to use a Bambi reference, but you know, it really does describe the way it feels at first. lol)...but with time that should settle down, I think, and be this steady, deep desire that doesn't cause so much turmoil. These are all just my opinions, and the way I personally envision true love feeling. Also, I agree with Parallax's observations (the bulleted stuff) along with the fact that you sound like someone who does have a lot to offer. So don't despair; I think the lady who's meant for you is definitely going to show up. You asked whether you should stop worrying about all of this and take whatever life gives you...yes, I think you should try not to worry (and this is coming from a person who worries a lot but is trying not to these days. lol) - it really doesn't help anything. It'll be impossible to completely stop worrying, but just try to remember that it's futile to worry because the only thing you can control is yourself, not others and not who comes into your life and when and why and whether they are or are not the right one for you. Sometimes, strangely, I've found that it's better just to act based on your feelings and not waste time with too much thinking and analyzing of those feelings - because perhaps those feelings are your REAL "thoughts". (Not to get too annoyingly philosophical, but...ponder it, it's an interesting concept. Lately it's helped me not to worry so much, and it's actually made my life a bit more exciting. Nothing major, just this: I feel a lot more "free" when I don't restrict my feelings with analysis or thought...and it's exciting to think about all the possibilities of people and experiences, etc). The only thing about acting on your feelings, whatever they may be, is that it opens you up for a hard-and-fast lesson that may not be pleasant, so just always be prepared for the possibility of that.

Wish you the best, and please let us know the progress of your thoughts. (Feelings, I mean) 😉

CG,

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you. What you are talking about sound like perfect human emotions, fears, and desires to me. With regard to the work issue, I think you should put your eggs in a few baskets. You need to be happy in all areas of your life in order to be fulfilled. You really need hobbies, a social life, a love life if you can, and work. I don't think you should give up on the love thing. Just because one thing didn't work out it doesn't mean something else in the future won't. The challenge in life is not to live the 'perfect' life but to never give up hope.

C P

Go for a three way thing.

? If a woman who barely knows you, invites you to ?F---? chances are you are not the first guy she?s done that with. She is not the one to plan a committed relationship with.

- This is true, me and her also have differing views on what sex is about. While I enjoy some of the kinker things, I still see it as a physical act of love. Where as she just sees it as an act of pleasure.

? When you break up with women, they get pissed off. That is their nature. Even if you do it in the most kind and gentle way. (see also: ?Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.?)

- Yeah, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to end it. Though looking back I'm glad it ended. Funny thing though, she called me and apologized for the way she treated me, shortly after my dad passed. She said that being around me has made her have feelings for me. I told her that I wasn't able to put myself in that situation again. I tried 3 times to start a relationship with her again after that break up, and she would say yes, things would go ok for a few days then she'd change her mind. I couldn't put myself through that roller coaster again.

? People always have to balance their personal lives with their career. That is not just a phase; it?s a life long struggle. You need both in order to be a happy and sane individual.

- This is one thing I'll have to work on, before I'd be hanging around with my friends so much, that work and hobbies didn't dominate my time. Now since everyone is moving away or doing other things, I've started to create projects. Before I finish a project I come up with more projects, seems to be a snowballing effect. I've been trying to nail things down, but currently I'm juggling a lot of things.

As for detachment, I still do get out and do things, just not as much as I used too. Things have just slowed down in my social life a bit.

I think a lot of my distress over this is because I do tend to worry about things, or overreact to things as it were. I've always been this way, if I feel something is wrong, I try to fix it as soon as possible. I wrap my brain around the issue to try to find the best solution possible. Thing is, in my career this works perfectly, in real life this hinders me. It does so because I end up running over everything so much that either let something pass me by or I make it out worse than it seems because I turn little problems into large ones.

I do appreciate everyones advice, a lot of relief came from getting this off my chest. Everyones feedback is helpful 🙂.


And James, I'll be sure to try to see if the threesome thing 😄 heh