Reexperiencing trauma & seeking old traumaexperiences

Can anybody relate to that? I had a yraumatic childhood, I was sickly my mom was overwhelmed and turned into a tyrant, now things trigger old memories, but I actually seek out trigger states, and once I am in the state I cant get out, and watch yt to numb myself.

Why this pull, why the inability to get out

of there? Do I go back into past memories to win the war against my mom?

Get some help with changing the thought patterns ... as kreol said, staying stuck is a fixed sign pattern

Cognitive behavior therapy may help or hypnotherapy

I can partially relate. My mum had two healthy and well behaved children, yet she appeared to be "overwhelmed" by everything, from her job as a teacher, to her marriage, to her being a mother. She was a malign narcissist. Father, grandmother and I...her scapegoats.

I don't seek any trigger for those memories though. For years after I left home, the smallest contact with her would anger and upset me, for hours afterwards. It reached a point when I broke contact with her for a few years. It was a good thing to do, since it practically reset our relationship. I don't even feel the anger any longer. This is something I recommend you do.

Also, I promised myself I would not let anyone abuse, belittle, or gaslight me, ever again.

Did you ever have therapy for your "inability to get out"?

"Do I go back into past memories to win the war against my mom?"

You can't win the war. Because you didn't actually take part in one. You were born a prisoner. You had no rights. Not even the right to complain for being abused. Fighting or not, made little difference.

Your "job" was to get the hell out of there. Be free again.

It wasn't your war. Please understand that and get out. It wasn't even personal. It could have been anyone else in your place. It's not because you were sickly! A normal parent would have loved you and protected you even more. Your mother was not normal.

in a way you are trying to win the war with your mom; you're trying to find the words deep inside that you couldn't say when you were younger; but they aren't there because it was never your war in the first place

continue on your journey and look for the path to find your true voice; the one you are ok with, inside and outside

there's no point in rehashing the same shit over and over again.

as unfortunate and painful the experience was, accept that it happened, learn and understand yourself from it, then burn it down.

move forward and stay strong.

Posted by kreol

You’re a fixed sign, Taurus at that. I’m one too. We simply stay stuck on our feelings at times. Seeking out every morsel as fuel

The familiar feelings appear cathartic but it’s an indulgence unless you’re the doing the work of untangling yourself. Seek therapy if you’re able to or at the very least talk it out with a trusted confidant and also have that dialogue with yourself. If possible speak with your mother.

The best advice I have been given regarding this simply was to let go of things which no longer serve you. Ask yourself what do you gain by holding on to these trigger pulls, how does it help you move forward and progress

New experiences triggering memories - remind yourself of where you are, stay in the present and understand that your perception isn’t reality. You are not your emotions. Observe them, let them wash over you like a tempestuous wave.

Seeking out trigger states is like going into the eye of the storm but you’re not meant to stay there, you’re meant to come out the other side. Perhaps you overly identify with these feelings so much that now this has become your identity. Maybe not but something to consider. You are not your trauma, you are lot more than what you have suffered no matter how crucial it has been for your self-awareness and well being.

Taueus cannot justlet go. And its a subconscious pull I dont want to be miserable. I like to think I have a goof intuition if a fightvis worth fighting for I hold onto it. Cause I know this subconscious dilemmas hold me back.

I feel unproductive when i watch yt to suppress the states maybe I have to let the waves just wash over me cause thats what taurus do. I also never fought back I refused everything. I did talk to her, she became a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst to figure whete she went wrong, she is still not empathetic preaches the same preach and thinks her kmowledge makes her opinion more valid.

Posted by Redbull

This seems kind of deep for dxp. But I guess something Tauruses can recognize. I too watch a lot of yt right now different stuff and while yeah I still think about past stuff Im better at moving forward now as Im somewhat older. For me location and change of scenery has a lot to do with it been through owning 2 houses even moved to a whole new city. Somehow it really automatically leads to not dwelling on "back there" because its so new. So it kind of helped change me. Now Im back where grew up and its like a lotof it is just seeing the same places and being reminded of things so that part gets minimized/eliminated when not here. Thats one example of a simple/automatic though not necessarily fast or easy way to experience freedom and change perspective.

I saw the codepedency thread and people opened up and replied a lot so I hoped this thread will be accepted as well.

Same thing I moved away as well, now I am thinking about moving back did you get a new social circle? Or did you started where you left off?

Posted by Undine

I can partially relate. My mum had two healthy and well behaved children, yet she appeared to be "overwhelmed" by everything, from her job as a teacher, to her marriage, to her being a mother. She was a malign narcissist. Father, grandmother and I...her scapegoats.

I don't seek any trigger for those memories though. For years after I left home, the smallest contact with her would anger and upset me, for hours afterwards. It reached a point when I broke contact with her for a few years. It was a good thing to do, since it practically reset our relationship. I don't even feel the anger any longer. This is something I recommend you do.

Also, I promised myself I would not let anyone abuse, belittle, or gaslight me, ever again.

Did you ever have therapy for your "inability to get out"?

I am probay going to do that? I talked to my mom and she straight up told me she knows she might be toxic and she doesnt feel positive emotions when she thinks of me.

Posted by Undine

"Do I go back into past memories to win the war against my mom?"

You can't win the war. Because you didn't actually take part in one. You were born a prisoner. You had no rights. Not even the right to complain for being abused. Fighting or not, made little difference.

Your "job" was to get the hell out of there. Be free again.

It wasn't your war. Please understand that and get out. It wasn't even personal. It could have been anyone else in your place. It's not because you were sickly! A normal parent would have loved you and protected you even more. Your mother was not normal.

Thank you so much. You change the way I think about this problem.

eah my mother was not normal, I keep forgetting that. I ate dinner at a friends place I started puking, she picked up but didnt speak to me at all cause she felt humiliated. On the way home she had to pull over cause I had to puke again,

she yrlled me to hurry up and get in the car. I had convos with her recently she is still not compassionate even though shr became a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. She trains medstudents. She likes roleplays where she plays a patient who is dying and the student have to deal with it.

Some cried. I dont know what to think of that. Thats something I gotta explore how she is not normal cause I kinda fet into stockholm syndrome and agree with everything she says when I am around her.