Advice

Ok heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere goes big breath.

Ok well I have been seeing this man for about three months. Mostly it's been fine. But it's fine when it's fine HORRENDOUS when it's not.

I suppose there is a general problem of him dropping pseudo emotional bombs on me now and again.

My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer the start of last year. And early this year was scheduled for surgery. I had not told him this from the beginning.

I should start. He has a friend from Belfast (I am from Ireland and we Live in another city) who is a musician (he is an amateur musician)she was doing a gig in her hometown over a weekend. I knew he would love to go so I bought tickets (including train and gig tickets) and booked a hotel. I am DEFINITELY not rolling in it so it was an effort on my part. His brother was supposed to go along but stay somewhere else.. Nearing the date it became apparent his brother had no way to get there nor anywhere to stay because apparently there had been some miscommunication and he had assumed he was staying with us and I had gotten him a ticket for the gig and the train and he was going to re-reimburse me. I don't know his brother that well and quite frankly I was miffed that my BF had thought it was OK for a strange man (not strange to him obviously but to me he was at the time more or less) to stay in the same room as us had I actually been going. The Monday before I simply said look the gig was not that important to me you guys just go. I assumed that was it. I didn't want to get into why at that point. I didn't hear from him until the next morning when I got a message saying I was 'Petty and Vindictive' for my behaviour and he was glad to be getting a break for the weekend and he was reconsidering —us??. I called him immediately and said he completely got the wrong end of the stick and it was nothing like that. I told him I really hope he had a great time. Later I had a think about it and tried to see it from his point of view. I am not great for contact by text or phone at the best of times and it's possible I gave of the wrong impression. I heard nothing until that evening when he called me absolutely sloshed and very pissed off. He said he had been wondering what I was up to for the weekend that I did not end up going with them. WTF?? He said —if your not around I'm not bound??, meaning I guess in his state he felt no obligations to me. Fidelity has always been important to me. I felt calling me in that state was very u

. I felt calling me in that state was very upsetting. (I HATE talking to people when they are drunk). I couldn't get any sense out of him. I just wanted to end the conversation so I did. I woke up the next morning to a voicemail on my phone from his phone but without him speaking I assumed he had called drunk and fallen asleep or something. I tried texting him then but no answer. Later that evening at about six I get a call from him. I try to go into what transpired the night before. He claims not to have the fullest of memories of the night before. I fill him in. He says he is genuinely surprised. I don't know whether to buy it or not. I think he is fucking around. He makes apologies and goes back to being his usual self. I find it hard to emotionally adjust though.
From my perspective I had just received a heap of abuse the night before. He claimed he would never cheat and I had nothing to worry about.
Things are calm for a while then after a week or two he wants me to go away for a hiking weekend with some friends of his where we would camp. I was not too pleased about camping I would have to admit but I said ok.
My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer the start of last year. And early this year was scheduled for surgery.

My Dad??s surgery was rescheduled for THAT weekend. So obviously going was just out of the question.
My Dad was due to have surgery the day he was leaving I told him that between nine in the morning and five in the afternoon and the evening before I wanted to keep the landline and my mobile totally clear in case anything happened. (It actually did I found out later my Dad had a seizure from the anaesthetic). He took great exception to this and said —well you obviously don't want any support at all??. Bear in mind my Dad was travelling to another city for surgery and I was going to be alone worried sick. And this guy was now saying well you??re on your own then. At that point I was trying to get through this week with as little drama as possible so I was just letting a lot go by. And it seemed small fry at that point. I was trying to give my family as much as I could. My Dad is extremely brave and stoic. And I felt he needed everything. My mother and brother too.

Friday came and I texted him at about half eight to say have a lovely time and get there in one piece and bleh bleh bleh. My Dad??s surgery went by and during those hrs I sort of had a weird emotional melt down I guess.

I started posting stuff on FB asking people to pray and shit. I prayed myself. My Dad came through and my mother texted me to say it was all done. I was over the moon that milestone had gone by. It was huge! Five O?? clock passed and to be honest it was not even that I forgot I was just too emotionally exhausted and because I thought he would want to enjoy himself and I didn't want to bug him but mostly because I was exhausted. I heard nothing until that Sunday. When he called I had sort of forgotten he had not called for so long. So I just talked normally. A few days later it sort of dawned on me he had been kind of an ass.

I think he realized it himself and especially when he saw how ill my dad was after. But on the one hand he was nicer but on the other he kind of took a step back as in?? this is too much for me??. I never expected him to —take it on — or whatever. But having a rock rather than a roller coaster would be better.

He is doing a PHD and next year (if he goes ahead he is thinking of deferring) he might have to do a bit of it abroad. I am kind of an out of sight out of mind person. ( I know that's bad but it's honest).

When he is good to me he IS good to me. But when he said that drunk the first weekend about playing around it was as if a light shut off in my head for him. I am quite possessive. Before that weekend I would have said I was the eager one and the chaser and he was the more laid back one. I would say now it's the opposite my feelings have cooled and his have grown. I am not jealous but I am possessive. Often I suppose it's unreasonably demanding.

He is under a lot of real life stress too I should add. And also quite a work load. He is incredibly intelligent and educated and I admire him in many ways.

I am wondering should I talk about fidelity with him and see if he is as committed to it as I am. I am also generally not a person to fall in love quickly or easily either. So I wonder if I am giving him enough emotional investment for him to feel he wants to express it or talk about it. I don't even know if he would want to do a LTR if he went next year. I sense he does not want to think about it right now.

Anyway what do people think? Thank you if you got this far. It's a lot I know. And so dry and serious. I would insert a couple of knock knock jokes but it seems inappropriate :-P.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm done thank you.

_??' this is tooo long

I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

Too long

Posted by Ssasy
??_' this is tooo long

I know I was writing it for me as much as for it to be read if you know what i mean.

Posted by aquarius09
I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

No If i had not given my ticket his brother would not have been able to go. He had no ticket for the gig nor any ticket for the train. I gave him mine because I thought they would enjoy it more. I would have put up with the brother in the room. But I was paying for all of this the room the tickets etc. O I thought it was a bit off for him to ask his bro to stay in the room. But I would have done it.
I had told him about my Dad's surgery before the weekend that it was going on (this was a totally separate weekend from the gig. He knew. I had told him that week.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
wait.

you paid for his ticket and train ride......

....and then he got pissy because you didn't do the same for his brother........

....and then you gave up your own ticket to the brother?

wtf is that?

Well yeah basically....oh yeah when you put it like that it does sound bad!

I apologize for the posts length.

Posted by aquarius09
I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

I disagree 100%

She extended the invitation to one person-- to assume that he could bring his brother and she would

foot the bill (regardless of a promise to reimburse) has absolutely NOTHING to do with her father's illness.

Which is her business until she decides to share that with him.

To think otherwise shows gross immaturity and a complete lack of good manners.

I would have done the same, then seriously reconsidered the relationship.

Wow, you have a self centred guy here. Both times he hasn't considered you at all, unappreciative of what you bought for him and then allowing his brother to crash in without even a second thought for you. I get that you decided to give the brother your tickets and room but he didn't say anything to convince you otherwise or try and arrange something else...instead he rings and abuses you and basically tells you, you're replaceable!! Not to mention having no concern for your situation with your father and what you are going through there...

Nothing will change with this one, those are all red flags of what to expect in future with him.

Posted by sweethearts
Wow, you have a self centred guy here. Both times he hasn't considered you at all, unappreciative of what you bought for him and then allowing his brother to crash in without even a second thought for you. I get that you decided to give the brother your tickets and room but he didn't say anything to convince you otherwise or try and arrange something else...instead he rings and abuses you and basically tells you, you're replaceable!! Not to mention having no concern for your situation with your father and what you are going through there...

Nothing will change with this one, those are all red flags of what to expect in future with him.

I agree, he sounds a bit of a jerk with a chip on his shoulder.

The only things I would have done differently from you: discussing my intentions and allowing my SO to suggest a compromise, before informing him of my decision.

What signs are you two?

Posted by MissLouiseM
Ok heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere goes big breath.

Ok well I have been seeing this man for about three months.

I knew he would love to go so I bought tickets (including train and gig tickets) and booked a hotel. I am DEFINITELY not rolling in it so it was an effort on my part. His brother was supposed to go along but stay somewhere else..

I don't know his brother that well and quite frankly I was miffed that my BF had thought it was OK for a strange man (not strange to him obviously but to me he was at the time more or less) to stay in the same room as us had I actually been going. The Monday before I simply said look the gig was not that important to me you guys just go.

I could possibly see your discomfort if the guy you were seeing was going to have a friend sleep in the same room, but this is FAMILY...his brother. I think you over reacted and by doing so and insulted him by not going to see his friend (the musician) perform and then not wanting anything to do with his brother in the same room. HOWEVER...he was just as abrupt with you in his behavior reacting and could have been nicer about it since you put all the money out for this occasion.

The curve ball about fidelity would have done it for me. I would have said, have a great time, don't contact me again. Especially when he failed to "remember" saying it. Very immature relationship on both parts. Walk away, regroup and don't be so giving with a guy you've only known 3 months. I know as a Pisces that may be hard, but sometimes you end up with ungrateful assholes. If you can figure out a way to turn the communication problem around there might be a chance. The threat of fidelity however would have done it for me. His ass would've been kicked to the curb.

*CORRECTION...strike the "Pisces"

I don't know why I said that..😕

Out of curiosity what sign are you and your boyfriend?

Posted by MissLouiseM

I am wondering should I talk about fidelity with him and see if he is as committed to it as I am.

Why? Given what you've written in the OP and this:

Posted by MissLouiseM
I would say now...my feelings have cooled and his have grown...

Posted by MissLouiseM
He is doing a PHD and next year (if he goes ahead he is thinking of deferring) he might have to do a bit of it abroad. I am kind of an out of sight out of mind person.

and questioning this:

Posted by MissLouiseM
So I wonder if I am giving him enough emotional investment...

click to expand

You don't seem all the invested in him. I think your possessiveness is what is at play here and not real desire to be with him.

Posted by MissLouiseM

Posted by aquarius09
I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

No If i had not given my ticket his brother would not have been able to go. He had no ticket for the gig nor any ticket for the train. I gave him mine because I thought they would enjoy it more. I would have put up with the brother in the room. But I was paying for all of this the room the tickets etc. O I thought it was a bit off for him to ask his bro to stay in the room. But I would have done it.
I had told him about my Dad's surgery before the weekend that it was going on (this was a totally separate weekend from the gig. He knew. I had told him that week.

click to expand

Pardon me for misunderstanding the post. Ok so now that you've clarified, I still have to wonder why you're being self-sacrificial in this relationship and even if you were, you should explicitly say things so people know what's happening in your head. When you gave the tickets to his bro, you should've said to him "well I'm not going because .... But giving the ticket to your bro just so you can have an amazing time".

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Posted by aquarius09
I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

wow. it sounds like you are blaming her for his own shitty behaviour.

click to expand

Not at all. I think this guy is an idiot but I still think that there is a communication issue. It's human nature to assume things when they don't know why a person is doin something. Yes, we shouldn't assume and sometimes things are pretty obvious, but people still assume. I mentioned I didn't read her entire post and how far I read it, I find that this dude assumes a lot and he's either doing it because of not knowing why she's doing things or because their relationship dynamic is all screwed up.

What sign is the guy? Kind of sounds like an unevolved cancer to me. I once dated a cancer who sounds much like this guy. Self centered, feelings easily hurt, lashing out with angry accusations, pouting, not able to see your side or not willing to listen and comprehend your side...just to name a few.

Communication is key and even if you do communicate with a guy like this, they only hear bits and pieces and don't hear the whole thing.

But, you did say you weren't very emotionally evolved with him. Maybe cut bait and move on?

Posted by Undine

Posted by sweethearts
Wow, you have a self centred guy here. Both times he hasn't considered you at all, unappreciative of what you bought for him and then allowing his brother to crash in without even a second thought for you. I get that you decided to give the brother your tickets and room but he didn't say anything to convince you otherwise or try and arrange something else...instead he rings and abuses you and basically tells you, you're replaceable!! Not to mention having no concern for your situation with your father and what you are going through there...

Nothing will change with this one, those are all red flags of what to expect in future with him.

I agree, he sounds a bit of a jerk with a chip on his shoulder.

The only things I would have done differently from you: discussing my intentions and allowing my SO to suggest a compromise, before informing him of my decision.

What signs are you two?

click to expand

I am cancer he is scorpio.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Posted by MissLouiseM
I also think he has been creeping around the net reading up on me. He has told me things I think he could only know if he had been reading stuff from a few years ago on me.

well, than I think you like drama because if you were concerned with this, quite honestly, you wouldn't have your personal pictures in your profile.

click to expand

Saying I want him to pry because I have a picture is like saying I want to be harassed on the street because of what I might wear.

No I don't like negative drama.

And what I was referring to incidentally is on a forum where I had no picture. I think he looked at my search history or something.

I am not totally paranoid I don't mind people seeing a little online it just seemed to be more than browsing. More like trawling for something specific. That's different.

Say I left my diary on the table would that mean I want him to read it?

Anyway I can hide messages here after I get a few replies to think about.

And however wrong I may think you are, thank you for your reply. A contrasting opinion gives something to push against.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by MissLouiseM

I am wondering should I talk about fidelity with him and see if he is as committed to it as I am.

Why? Given what you've written in the OP and this:



You don't seem all the invested in him. I think your possessiveness is what is at play here and not real desire to be with him.

click to expand

WOW

That is apt. I think you are right. That's not healthy :-/

Posted by aquarius09

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Posted by aquarius09
I see you're new on here. Welcome to dxp. You won't have people reading something that longgggg on here.

I read up until the part where he called you after the gig was done and over with leading to the hiking plan.

The problem is of communication it seems. You aren't telling him things that are happening in your life. You are doing things like not going to the gig right after being miffed about where his is bro is staying situation. I'm not saying you're wrong about being pissed off there, but this guy doesn't know what's happening in your world like your dad's surgery. I would think you're being petty as well if all I know is that you're pissed off about my bro coming to stay with us in our room and suddenly you're saying "you're not going". It sounds like you're not going all because of bro situation. You need to articulate yourself before you do things. You can't expect a guy to know what's goin on in your head or world.

He wouldn't jump to conclusions if you tell him te reasons behind your action.

wow. it sounds like you are blaming her for his own shitty behaviour.

Not at all. I think this guy is an idiot but I still think that there is a communication issue. It's human nature to assume things when they don't know why a person is doin something. Yes, we shouldn't assume and sometimes things are pretty obvious, but people still assume. I mentioned I didn't read her entire post and how far I read it, I find that this dude assumes a lot and he's either doing it because of not knowing why she's doing things or because their relationship dynamic is all screwed up.

click to expand

All opinions have value :-)

I think he is playing with me a bit to be honest. I think I don't want HIM but simply someone and also i am a possessive person.

I think because he feels he cannot illicit love from me he tries to work on possessiveness. I am not jealous but well, when i make a commitment it's hard for me to undo.

But you are all right it is not a healthy relationship.

I think I will think about this for a few days. And try to come to a conclusion as to what i should do either talk about it and work on it or end

Posted by truecap
What sign is the guy? Kind of sounds like an unevolved cancer to me. I once dated a cancer who sounds much like this guy. Self centered, feelings easily hurt, lashing out with angry accusations, pouting, not able to see your side or not willing to listen and comprehend your side...just to name a few.

Communication is key and even if you do communicate with a guy like this, they only hear bits and pieces and don't hear the whole thing.

But, you did say you weren't very emotionally evolved with him. Maybe cut bait and move on?

He is a Nov Scorpio. I am a cancer.

I really do think he only hears bit and pieces or TWISTS everything to suit what he wants to get.I have always seen right through it.
This is not typical scorpio behavior I know I am not spreading it across the sign. I know many wonderful scorps. I think over generalizing negative qualities in signs is reductive anyway.

It is the individual and how they express qualities.

He is not all bad of course you are only hearing MY side. I am not perfect either :-P :-)

Posted by Arielle83
he's a straight up loser...what grown ass man drunk dials and says he doesnt have to be faithful in that drunk state!!! dont look back, he's a user and a loser

There is some truth in that. :-)

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Posted by MissLouiseM
I also think he has been creeping around the net reading up on me. He has told me things I think he could only know if he had been reading stuff from a few years ago on me.

well, than I think you like drama because if you were concerned with this, quite honestly, you wouldn't have your personal pictures in your profile.

click to expand

By the way you creeped huh ? :-P Well done for calling out my vanity. I make no apologies :-P

Hi nice to meet you twirling strawberry. :-)

Vanity? That's rather an unflattering picture, which makes you look old, gaunt and scary. Quite different from the other pics on your profile. Unless this is the effect you are aiming for 🙂.

Posted by Undine
Vanity? That's rather an unflattering picture, which makes you look old, gaunt and scary. Quite different from the other pics on your profile. Unless this is the effect you are aiming for 🙂.

smfh

uote>Posted by MissLouiseM

I heard nothing until that Sunday. When he called I had sort of forgotten he had not called for so long.

Posted by MissLouiseM

I am kind of an out of sight out of mind person. ( I know that's bad but it's honest).

Well, aren't you the fucking hypocrite .....

Posted by MissLouiseM

.... see if he is as committed to it as I am.

click to expand

Posted by Undine
Vanity? That's rather an unflattering picture, which makes you look old, gaunt and scary. Quite different from the other pics on your profile. Unless this is the effect you are aiming for 🙂.

There is no need to get quite so personal.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by MissLouiseM

I heard nothing until that Sunday. When he called I had sort of forgotten he had not called for so long.

Posted by MissLouiseM

I am kind of an out of sight out of mind person. ( I know that's bad but it's honest).

Well, aren't you the fucking hypocrite .....

Posted by MissLouiseM

.... see if he is as committed to it as I am.

click to expand

I shall your fucking opinion. Have a lovely fuck of a day.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by MissLouiseM

I heard nothing until that Sunday. When he called I had sort of forgotten he had not called for so long.

Posted by MissLouiseM

I am kind of an out of sight out of mind person. ( I know that's bad but it's honest).

Well, aren't you the fucking hypocrite .....

Posted by MissLouiseM

.... see if he is as committed to it as I am.

click to expand

I shall consider your fucking opinion. Have a lovely fuck of a day.

Posted by starlover
I live in Ireland and am (socially) surrounded by men that drink too much and hold their pint glasses to their chests as though they are lovers. I have seen men at the end of the eve when they are blasted, trying to dance, the pint glass still clutched possessively against their body, beer slopping all over the dancefloor

If he is one of them, i would say get rid ~ how can one have any kind or r.ship with a man that lives inside a bottle?

THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION.

I don't know if you are Irish or not. But I am and it is difficult to explain the cultural difference here to those in the States.

A huge % of the population do live in the bottle and it is considered 'normal'. It is a cultural thing. Unless you are living here a while it would be hard to convey. It IS the social life.

I don't drink myself I am considered an alien half the time.

Posted by starlover
Yes ma'am it is considered to be acceptable practice to drink too much here in Ireland

I don't drink either, which as you know makes it worse and people think there is something wrong with you if after being asked *what do you want to drink* and you reply *water or juice*...followed by being told *aaaah go on sure you'll have a drink*.

The last guy i dated was Irish...he didnt drink, the one before that was an alcoholic...not admittedly but i could see if was...that lasted a very short time, especially as it affected him in more ways than one

If you aint a drinker i find, it is not always good to be with one that drinks lots....i always feel the other person just *isn't there* somehow? Last night i was out and had two fellas falling all over my car, but noticed they didnt spill a drop from their pint glasses....amazing!

I know and they regard it as some kind of achievement.

Posted by Gobshite
After reading this thread, the answer is simple. Dump the prick and find someone else more rewarding of your affections.

As for moving to the US, maybe you should consider moving back to Ireland. Personally, I would *never* immigrate to the US.

Hi thanks for your reply.

Who is moving to the US?

Posted by Arielle83
This thread begs the question: why are women such bitches to one another?

I lived in Derry when i was 17 and loved it, but ya i couldnt see a daily ritual of pub life forever. There has to be some men who aren't drunk dialling at a grown up age. Just move on if he's rude in his words when drunk he's capable of being rude with his fists in that state.

Yeah.

He does not drink often. But like most Irish people he does not drink moderately usually. Yeah the drunk dialing thing after college yrs is quite common. They are like a drunk Dennis the Menace, harmless but still!

I think I will talk to him about his drinking and behavior.

And consider whether I want to be with him.

Sorry to add more. But I found out today he asked my Dad for a loan behind my back.

I think i have to work up all my energy and strength to break up with him.

Thanks all for your input.

you're too decent for this guy.