Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

Online Test
Relationship Violence Red Flags

Physical Violence
Many consider pushing or hitting a major clue that your partner is capable of violence—but Gavin says it's more than that. "It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It's over. The assessment is done," he says. "Being hit doesn't work in relationships, and it usually doesn't get better."

Symbolic Violence
Symbolic violence is the destruction of objects to intimidate the other person. " The destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home and the wedding gown is torn up," he says. "[If someone throws] a television out a window, the message is, 'I can throw you out the window.'"

Fast-Paced Relationships
If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. "When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy," he says. "And women feel uncomfortable and they'll tell you: 'Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much.'"

Persistence
If he won't take no for an answer, it's not because he's smitten. "Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you," Gavin says. "Persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled."

Gavin says the word "no" is different for men and women. "When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation," he says. "A woman who buckles there ... is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don't mean no."

Gavin says some women misinterpret persistence as flattery. "What do most women do with persistence is they say: 'Well, he calls me so often. He writes to me so often. He's always talking about me. He's always getting me gifts,'" he says. "Gifts like a car that he owns, he controls—he's got the navigation system on. Gifts like a phone [so] that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you."

watching Oprah as the author of the book is on the show now and OMG! that "fast paced relationship" sign is soooo true. thank GOD i listened to my intuition because sure enough, dude was crazy as a bedbug. sheesh! i need to put this on a key chain and take with me whenever i go on a date.

yeah, the "tabs-on-you" gifts are great indicator too. the same bed-bug offered to let me "use" his mercedes. just wanted to give me this car to ride around in for no reason other than he had another. i declined as it seemed pretty stupid but yea, it was to keep tabs. crazy bastard.

monetary gifts are tricky. i think one has to pay attention to means. if a man is giving you 100s of 1000s of dollars and he's not independently wealthy, he's trying to buy you. what he does with ya once you're bought...