krysrenee7
@krysrenee7
17 Years5,000+ Posts
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Being exclusive VS. just dating
Posted by krysrenee7
Back in high school, 2 people would know they were officially in a relationship b/c 1 person (usually the guy) would literally come right out & ask, "Hey, will you be my girlfriend?" But now, it seems that people are naturally fading/falling into relationships with eachother, even if neither person verbally/technically made it official.
That's because back in elementary school (once we figured out only SOME girls had cooties) girls wouldn't let you kiss them unless you were boyfriend and girlfriend... so boys started asking girls to be their girlfriend. Once we got out of high school and there wasn't 2000 other people our age around everyday asking who was dating who, and why that skank was near her man... we don't care any more.
lol lol
My sorority sister is thinking about having the "talk" with the guy she's been dating. They've been seeing eachother for 4 months now & she wants to tell him that she'd like to be exclusive with him. She doesn't necessarily want the title just yet, BUT she wants to atleast upgrade to the next level of dating where 2 people agree to only date eachother.
Problem is, she fears that if she has the "let's be exclusive" talk with him that he'll take it as her asking him to be her boyfriend..and that's not the case.
This is the 1st guy I've ever seen her date that she's actually taken things slow with. This guy is ready for kids & marriage (he's never had either) & he's a little older than her, so she's not used to dating a guy that hasn't tried to sleep with her yet OR who genuinely seems to be focused on getting to thoroughly know her 1st. She likes this guy so much.
To her, 4 months of "dating" is a long time, since she's used to being in situations that are rushed. But to him, someone who likes to take things at a slow pace, 4 months may not be/seem like such a long time.
Her telling me her situation with this guy made me really try to put things into perspective. I never realized that the definition of what it means to be "Exclusive" could differ so much from person to person. It's a scary thing, bringing up such a topic especially if the other person's definition is completely opposite than yours
My sorority sister is thinking about having the "talk" with the guy she's been dating. They've been seeing eachother for 4 months now & she wants to tell him that she'd like to be exclusive with him. She doesn't necessarily want the title just yet, BUT she wants to atleast upgrade to the next level of dating where 2 people agree to only date eachother.
Problem is, she fears that if she has the "let's be exclusive" talk with him that he'll take it as her asking him to be her boyfriend..and that's not the case.
This is the 1st guy I've ever seen her date that she's actually taken things slow with. This guy is ready for kids & marriage (he's never had either) & he's a little older than her, so she's not used to dating a guy that hasn't tried to sleep with her yet OR who genuinely seems to be focused on getting to thoroughly know her 1st. She likes this guy so much.
To her, 4 months of "dating" is a long time, since she's used to being in situations that are rushed. But to him, someone who likes to take things at a slow pace, 4 months may not be/seem like such a long time.
Her telling me her situation with this guy made me really try to put things into perspective. I never realized that the definition of what it means to be "Exclusive" could differ so much from person to person. It's a scary thing, bringing up such a topic especially if the other person's definition is completely opposite than yours
Fine, I'll play nice...
I don't think there is a difference between "dating" and "being exclusive". I think where people run into confusion is what is considered dating. I don't consider going out on "dates" to be "dating"... I take friends out to lunch/dinner too. Hell I'll hang out, shoot pool, talk, and drink with guy friends, that doesn't mean we're dating. However, once we both agree we're dating/going steady/exclusive whatever you want to call it, we all know what that means. It's a one-on-one monogamous relationship. (That's why other types have special names "open relationships", etc). The problem comes in that no one has to make a decision anymore because our lives have so much more privacy than they did in school. Since the official statement isn't as big of a deal anymore people start assuming when it 'should have' happened. If the two people guess different times, there's a problem.
When is a relationship official... assume the following are listed in chronological order, but no one ever says "will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend)".
When I first lay my beady eyes on you.
When you give me your number.
When we plan the first date.
After the first date. (assuming things went well)
First kiss.
Fifth date.
Sex.
Two month from first date (since some of you like to track this)
Six months.
One year.
When would you just conclude that you were in an exclusive relationship?
I agree people should be up front and not leave the other guessing, but this happens a lot. Many guys won't consider it an exclusive relationship at any of the points listed above but I'd imagine the vast majority of women would consider it exclusive by the 'sex' line.
I don't think there is a difference between "dating" and "being exclusive". I think where people run into confusion is what is considered dating. I don't consider going out on "dates" to be "dating"... I take friends out to lunch/dinner too. Hell I'll hang out, shoot pool, talk, and drink with guy friends, that doesn't mean we're dating. However, once we both agree we're dating/going steady/exclusive whatever you want to call it, we all know what that means. It's a one-on-one monogamous relationship. (That's why other types have special names "open relationships", etc). The problem comes in that no one has to make a decision anymore because our lives have so much more privacy than they did in school. Since the official statement isn't as big of a deal anymore people start assuming when it 'should have' happened. If the two people guess different times, there's a problem.
When is a relationship official... assume the following are listed in chronological order, but no one ever says "will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend)".
When I first lay my beady eyes on you.
When you give me your number.
When we plan the first date.
After the first date. (assuming things went well)
First kiss.
Fifth date.
Sex.
Two month from first date (since some of you like to track this)
Six months.
One year.
When would you just conclude that you were in an exclusive relationship?
I agree people should be up front and not leave the other guessing, but this happens a lot. Many guys won't consider it an exclusive relationship at any of the points listed above but I'd imagine the vast majority of women would consider it exclusive by the 'sex' line.
Posted by krysrenee7
Problem is, she fears that if she has the "let's be exclusive" talk with him that he'll take it as her asking him to be her boyfriend..and that's not the case.
What does she consider a boyfriend? They go out, have fun together, and she is asking for and offering exclusivity...
She's just afraid of commitment it sounds like. She doesn't want the boyfiriend/girlfriend title.
Oh she wants the title! But to her, dating is not the same as being in a relationship, since a person can technically "date" multiple people at the same time.
And to her being exclusive is NOT the same as being in a relationship just yet. To her, being exclusive means you're running very close to making things official, but not quite yet.
And then there's the actual title and/or when the relationship becomes official.
Those are the 3 stages she lives by when it comes to her relations with men. She wants to date them 1st (which might include her dating other guys at the same time--no strings attached)...then if she likes 1 in particular & feels that the feeling is mutual, she'll want to make things exclusive, meaning she wants them BOTH to agree to only date eachother now. The last step is in making it official. She doesn't like making things official until she's experienced what it's like to date a guy when he's only dating her. Kind of like another topic I brought up a few months back when I said that dating someone is like getting a sneak preview into what they're gonna be like persay you got into a relationship with them, just like being in a relationship gives you a sneek peak into what it's going to be like persay you marry them.
And to her being exclusive is NOT the same as being in a relationship just yet. To her, being exclusive means you're running very close to making things official, but not quite yet.
And then there's the actual title and/or when the relationship becomes official.
Those are the 3 stages she lives by when it comes to her relations with men. She wants to date them 1st (which might include her dating other guys at the same time--no strings attached)...then if she likes 1 in particular & feels that the feeling is mutual, she'll want to make things exclusive, meaning she wants them BOTH to agree to only date eachother now. The last step is in making it official. She doesn't like making things official until she's experienced what it's like to date a guy when he's only dating her. Kind of like another topic I brought up a few months back when I said that dating someone is like getting a sneak preview into what they're gonna be like persay you got into a relationship with them, just like being in a relationship gives you a sneek peak into what it's going to be like persay you marry them.
Posted by LibraSid
I'd imagine the vast majority of women would consider it exclusive by the 'sex' line.
Not me! I'm very aware that having sex doesn't mean you're exclusive, unless both people verbally agreed that they're only having sex with eachother & no one else.
A person can spend all day with you, talk to you all the time, have sex with you, spend lots of money on you, introduce you to their friends & yet NOT consider themselves "with" you or serious with you, especially if they do those types of things with multiple people. Sheeeesh, it'd be kind of hard to do all of those things with 5 different women all at once or in 1 week span, BUT it's def. possible b/c men do it all the time.
I won't consider things "official" until 1 of us literally opens up our mouths & says so. I don't assume anything! When you assume, that's how your ass ends up landing in the "FWB" category!
To me, we're "official" when we:
1. Verbally agree to be
2. Agree to monogamy
3. Agree to only do certain things with eachother (no more dating other women or giving them the hint that things could go further than friendship---and courting a woman is the EASIEST/FIRST way to give out that signal)
Posted by LibraSid
When would you just conclude that you were in an exclusive relationship?
When it's straight up SAID it's an exclusive relationship, AND the actions match the words.. and not one moment before.
Everyone's definitions of "dating" and "relationship" and "committed" etc are different. It's not a topic to ignore and think it'll all work itself out exactly how you want/hope. For me personally, I assume nothing. And yes, that's where a lot of people trip themselves up (esp women in sexual relationships).. THEY are exclusive, so they feel the other one is or should be, even if nothing's been officially talked about. He spends a lot of time with her, calls and texts and takes her out on the reg. She's met and hangs out with his friends. They're sleeping together. He spends weekends, and took her to the family & friends BBQ.. they're official/exclusive, right? Not necessarily. Never assume, assumption brings out some nasty shocks sometimes. If they never had "the talk" and one just ASSUMED exclusivity/commitment.. why is the other one a bitch/asshole for not reading minds and automatically giving what someone wanted/expected.. but didn't have the cojones to ASK FOR or even TALK ABOUT?
Posted by CappyyLuv30Posted by krysrenee7
Oh she wants the title! But to her, dating is not the same as being in a relationship, since a person can technically "date" multiple people at the same time.
And to her being exclusive is NOT the same as being in a relationship just yet. To her, being exclusive means you're running very close to making things official, but not quite yet.
And then there's the actual title and/or when the relationship becomes official.
I swear I got divorced and all these rules came into play suddenly. It sounds so complicated.click to expand
Agreed... I'm trying to figure out the rules myself which will bring on my next question to krys...
Posted by krysrenee7
Those are the 3 stages she lives by when it comes to her relations with men. She wants to date them 1st (which might include her dating other guys at the same time--no strings attached)...then if she likes 1 in particular & feels that the feeling is mutual, she'll want to make things exclusive, meaning she wants them BOTH to agree to only date eachother now. The last step is in making it official. She doesn't like making things official until she's experienced what it's like to date a guy when he's only dating her. Kind of like another topic I brought up a few months back when I said that dating someone is like getting a sneak preview into what they're gonna be like persay you got into a relationship with them, just like being in a relationship gives you a sneek peak into what it's going to be like persay you marry them.
I get the difference between her stages 1 and 2... things are actually different.
What is the difference between stage 2 and 3?
Is it just saving face so later she can say, oh I wasn't dating him we were just seeing each other...
In my mind the relationship level changes when the relationship changes. We agree to be exclusive, okay you're my gf.
I must be old fashioned. I kind of feel that if I actually feel the need to have a talk about where we're at then we're sure as hell not exclusive yet.
Although, I've never really dated anyone. Spent time with people and it either quickly fizzled out or quickly became a relationship.
Although, I've never really dated anyone. Spent time with people and it either quickly fizzled out or quickly became a relationship.
*High five✨
Me too! Toooootally. I just prefer it that way. Kinda feels more natural. I cant get into the whole 'lets impress eachother thing'. Ugh!
@LibraSid: I agree. Things have gotten so complicated these days.
That's why I somewhat kind of wish things went back to the way they were back in the old days when 2 people were either 1. Strictly friends 2. In an official relationship (b/c 1 person bluntly came out & asked) 3. Married or 4. Divorced! lol
Nowadays, there's a whole lot of "in betweens."
For some people being monogamous isn't just about agreeing not to have sex with others. Being monogamous means not doing ANYTHING with someone else that goes past a platonic friendship level (and yes, sex just so happens to be included in that mix). In other words, it'd be kind of hard to say, "Ok let's agree not to sleep with other people" if neither person was doing so to begin with! So what does "exclusive" mean in cases like that when sex hasn't even yet been had?
I think there's even such a thing as being "Exclusive" b/c it's conveinant. If you're exclusive, yeah neither person can sleep with others outside of eachother, BUT technically since they're not together yet, they don't necessarily have to dish out all the loyalty, dedication, sacrifice, etc. that 2 people who were technically in a relationship would have.
And the less invested you are in someone, the less it hurts persay things don't work out. Kind of like being exclusive is like the "Trial run/test" to see what it'd be like to actually be in a relationship with that person. Sure, you may have stopped all sexual activities with others, BUT you may not have necessarily stopped all OTHER things that might've been still considered disrespectful persay you were actually in a relationship with them.
When you finally make it official, it's like F! No more excuses! I have to be monagomous on an emotional AND physical level. But when you're exclusive, the only thing you have to sacrifice is giving up the goods to another person. And for some, that was never an issue since they never slept around anyways
That's why I somewhat kind of wish things went back to the way they were back in the old days when 2 people were either 1. Strictly friends 2. In an official relationship (b/c 1 person bluntly came out & asked) 3. Married or 4. Divorced! lol
Nowadays, there's a whole lot of "in betweens."
For some people being monogamous isn't just about agreeing not to have sex with others. Being monogamous means not doing ANYTHING with someone else that goes past a platonic friendship level (and yes, sex just so happens to be included in that mix). In other words, it'd be kind of hard to say, "Ok let's agree not to sleep with other people" if neither person was doing so to begin with! So what does "exclusive" mean in cases like that when sex hasn't even yet been had?
I think there's even such a thing as being "Exclusive" b/c it's conveinant. If you're exclusive, yeah neither person can sleep with others outside of eachother, BUT technically since they're not together yet, they don't necessarily have to dish out all the loyalty, dedication, sacrifice, etc. that 2 people who were technically in a relationship would have.
And the less invested you are in someone, the less it hurts persay things don't work out. Kind of like being exclusive is like the "Trial run/test" to see what it'd be like to actually be in a relationship with that person. Sure, you may have stopped all sexual activities with others, BUT you may not have necessarily stopped all OTHER things that might've been still considered disrespectful persay you were actually in a relationship with them.
When you finally make it official, it's like F! No more excuses! I have to be monagomous on an emotional AND physical level. But when you're exclusive, the only thing you have to sacrifice is giving up the goods to another person. And for some, that was never an issue since they never slept around anyways
Seems like women are more quick to bring up the "exclusive talk" 1st moreso than men & if being exclusive means making the relationship official, doesn't that technically mean that women are the ones who asks guys out? Back in the day, the guy used to pop the question & the girl would either gracefully say yes or say no! Now, it's the women who seem to be making the relationships "official" since they are the 1s mainly bringing up the "exclusive" talk. And I don't even think women realize this shift...the shift that they are the ones making it official....especially in a society that is still geered towards the men making all the 1st MAJOR moves
Posted by CappyyLuv30
To me, dating means you see different people simultaneously. Being exclusive means seeing ONE person and officiating the relationship. Simple as that.
Because gray areas are taking over! I still believe it should be like it was in high school. Straight and to the point. Fuck all the other terms. Then again, I'm a black or white kinda gal.
And that line is crossed, when its SAID and agreed to by both people.
we're talking>we're dating>we're exclusive>we're official
That's how I do it. If you hop right into it you risk something being wrong with the person or finding out some nasty secret that could be a deal breaker
That's how I do it. If you hop right into it you risk something being wrong with the person or finding out some nasty secret that could be a deal breaker
So I guess it comes down to the fact that there very well may be 2 "stages of dating" before a commitment becomes official.
There's 1. The beginning when you're dating someone else & others at the same time & then there's level 2. Still not being official yet, BUT atleast agreeing to stop dating all others on the side, just for the sake of being able to begin knowing what it's like to focus on just 1 person, persay or just in case an official relationship is the next step.
There's 1. The beginning when you're dating someone else & others at the same time & then there's level 2. Still not being official yet, BUT atleast agreeing to stop dating all others on the side, just for the sake of being able to begin knowing what it's like to focus on just 1 person, persay or just in case an official relationship is the next step.
I know what you mean sweetlibra. I had to deal with this a lot back when I was going to a secular college. It helped now that I'm going to a christian college. The boys are more mature and don't freak out when you mention the word exclusive. I happened to find a real keeper and we're both taking it slow, flowing into the direction of relationship. True, a lot of guys don't like the word exclusive...those are usually the ones who don't want a relationship with you anyways. F em'! Go find you a real man who's ready for a relationship. They're out there, just keeping holding out for one 🙂
Posted by CappyyLuv30
😉
I'm not one to date just to date. I'm more of a "friends then lovers" kinda gal but it seems I'm too outdated for today's view of dating.
No, no. This young one is too.
And see that's what I mean. Nowadays, things are so simple as 1 2 3. Back in the day, there were no in-betweens. You were either in a relationship with someone officially, married to them OR just a platonic friend. Those who had a piece of your heart in ANY way (either a little bit or all) weren't considered just your "friend" b/c that'd be a grave insult to someone.
That's why it's important to define what certain things mean to you before you go about having that "talk." If you believe being exclusive means 1 thing & yet the guy you're seeing thinks it means another, the "talk" might end badly, with 1 person storming off & assuming that they're not both on the same page.
No, it could be that they are on the same page, but just that their definitions were different. Although getting all "Technical" sucks & can make things more complicated in relationships, it won't hurt to atleast know what your partner considers something to mean.
"Friend," is a perfect example. Before I enter into a relationship with any man, I need to know what he considers a friend. Someone he's slept with? Only those he has NOT slept with? Those he's never had feelings for (but yet did everything else with)? It's important for me to know what he considers a "friend" so that when I see him talking to his ex or any FWB from the past (for example), I won't be so surprised.
And "being exclusive" is another 1 of those things that I very early on need to have an understanding about.
Once you've agreed to be exclusive, you may not technically be in an official relationship yet, BUT you're very close to it. It means that you're open to, have already considered AND are ok with a person being a potential long-term companion.
I DON'T think that you should go from dating multiple people alllll the way to being in a relationship. If you start off dating 5 guys all at once, that's fine, BUT before you even think about making a relationship official, you've gotta cut them off & learn how to focus on & settle down with just 1 of them. And if after doing so, you still really like this guy, THEN go for the committment. It's damn near impossible to thoroughly get to know 1 person if you're speading out all your seeds of love to 5 guys at the same time
That's why it's important to define what certain things mean to you before you go about having that "talk." If you believe being exclusive means 1 thing & yet the guy you're seeing thinks it means another, the "talk" might end badly, with 1 person storming off & assuming that they're not both on the same page.
No, it could be that they are on the same page, but just that their definitions were different. Although getting all "Technical" sucks & can make things more complicated in relationships, it won't hurt to atleast know what your partner considers something to mean.
"Friend," is a perfect example. Before I enter into a relationship with any man, I need to know what he considers a friend. Someone he's slept with? Only those he has NOT slept with? Those he's never had feelings for (but yet did everything else with)? It's important for me to know what he considers a "friend" so that when I see him talking to his ex or any FWB from the past (for example), I won't be so surprised.
And "being exclusive" is another 1 of those things that I very early on need to have an understanding about.
Once you've agreed to be exclusive, you may not technically be in an official relationship yet, BUT you're very close to it. It means that you're open to, have already considered AND are ok with a person being a potential long-term companion.
I DON'T think that you should go from dating multiple people alllll the way to being in a relationship. If you start off dating 5 guys all at once, that's fine, BUT before you even think about making a relationship official, you've gotta cut them off & learn how to focus on & settle down with just 1 of them. And if after doing so, you still really like this guy, THEN go for the committment. It's damn near impossible to thoroughly get to know 1 person if you're speading out all your seeds of love to 5 guys at the same time
I guess I'm just too black and white for this stuff. To me, we're either in a relationship or we're not. You're my girlfriend or you aren't. I'll hang out with with just about anyone, there are very few people that I cannot get along with. When someone stands out I'll focus on them a bit more. Then we become an official couple and it goes from there.
The process a few people described here as "talking -> casual dating -> exclusive dating -> official couple" just seems weird to me. Perhaps it's because I over analyze everything but that last step just bothers me. I think I like the old high school way better too haha. You see people around (parties, mutual friends, etc) and get to know someone a bit(start going on 'dates'). You like what you know and would like to get to know them more so you ask them 'out'... the "will you be my gf" thing.
Throwing that extra step in there is like telling them, "I like you enough that I don't want you running off with someone else, but not enough to introduce you as my gf/bf just yet". Kind of a, "You're good but not good enough". You're talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend, not getting married... how sure are you trying to be? Hopefully the first few conversations and dates have weeded out the total wackjobs. Now you're ready to see the details. Isn't that what the bf/gf stage is for?
Mathematical/Analytical/Logical mind here just wondering what the actual difference is between the exclusive and bf/gf stages for some of you. What 'rules' change? Is it anything other than "okay, we have the title now"?
The process a few people described here as "talking -> casual dating -> exclusive dating -> official couple" just seems weird to me. Perhaps it's because I over analyze everything but that last step just bothers me. I think I like the old high school way better too haha. You see people around (parties, mutual friends, etc) and get to know someone a bit(start going on 'dates'). You like what you know and would like to get to know them more so you ask them 'out'... the "will you be my gf" thing.
Throwing that extra step in there is like telling them, "I like you enough that I don't want you running off with someone else, but not enough to introduce you as my gf/bf just yet". Kind of a, "You're good but not good enough". You're talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend, not getting married... how sure are you trying to be? Hopefully the first few conversations and dates have weeded out the total wackjobs. Now you're ready to see the details. Isn't that what the bf/gf stage is for?
Mathematical/Analytical/Logical mind here just wondering what the actual difference is between the exclusive and bf/gf stages for some of you. What 'rules' change? Is it anything other than "okay, we have the title now"?
I don't think there's anything wrong with things not being as simple as 1 2 3. The problem comes when people over-complicate things or don't establish boundaries or make known exactly what they want/expect.
Someone whose just my friend can't magically grow from being "just a friend" to my boyfriend. There has to be middle steps that happen in order for me to even consider him a potential future companion. And the only way for me to know so is to test the waters.
A person shouldn't jump into a relationship just because. When you 1st meet someone (& while you're dating other people), everyone's goal is to show off only their GOOD side(s) & tell you everything they think you want to hear. It's not that they are hiding anything or purposely covering up their flaws b/c they want to be deceptive, but moreso instead that it's kind of hard to get me to start thinking of myself as a girlfriend or an "ALMOST" unless I know for a fact that that's what you want from me.
People are the ones who over-complicate things & mess up the rules. There's nothing wrong with going from "just friends" to "exclusive" & then to a relationship. It's all about moving to each new level, with the hopes that the more you up the expectations (or title), the more true colors of that person you'll see. And ultimately, you shouldn't commit to anyone unless you've seen a few true colors.
And the only way to see some of those true colors is to date someone for as long as you can; & it makes it even easier when you've finally decided to just date 1 person so that you'll have time to entirely focus on them and/or see if focusing in on 1 person is even something you can do anyways.
I'd rather find out BEFORE the commitment that the guy I'm seeing isn't too keen with the idea of focusing on just 1 person (me) VS. waiting until 6 months into a commitment to find that out.
I need to know BEFORE the commitment that a man has the ability & desire to focus in on just 1 person. And a man should be able to show/prove that w/o making it official 1st.
Same goes for marriage. People don't just go from a relationship to marriage. There's an "engagement" period, where they test out the waters to see if getting married is something they oughta do. So they'll play the part (move in together or start acting like a married couple BEFORE the marriage) just to see if they can get a glimpse of whether or not things will work out persay the 2 actually got married. The engagement period is
Someone whose just my friend can't magically grow from being "just a friend" to my boyfriend. There has to be middle steps that happen in order for me to even consider him a potential future companion. And the only way for me to know so is to test the waters.
A person shouldn't jump into a relationship just because. When you 1st meet someone (& while you're dating other people), everyone's goal is to show off only their GOOD side(s) & tell you everything they think you want to hear. It's not that they are hiding anything or purposely covering up their flaws b/c they want to be deceptive, but moreso instead that it's kind of hard to get me to start thinking of myself as a girlfriend or an "ALMOST" unless I know for a fact that that's what you want from me.
People are the ones who over-complicate things & mess up the rules. There's nothing wrong with going from "just friends" to "exclusive" & then to a relationship. It's all about moving to each new level, with the hopes that the more you up the expectations (or title), the more true colors of that person you'll see. And ultimately, you shouldn't commit to anyone unless you've seen a few true colors.
And the only way to see some of those true colors is to date someone for as long as you can; & it makes it even easier when you've finally decided to just date 1 person so that you'll have time to entirely focus on them and/or see if focusing in on 1 person is even something you can do anyways.
I'd rather find out BEFORE the commitment that the guy I'm seeing isn't too keen with the idea of focusing on just 1 person (me) VS. waiting until 6 months into a commitment to find that out.
I need to know BEFORE the commitment that a man has the ability & desire to focus in on just 1 person. And a man should be able to show/prove that w/o making it official 1st.
Same goes for marriage. People don't just go from a relationship to marriage. There's an "engagement" period, where they test out the waters to see if getting married is something they oughta do. So they'll play the part (move in together or start acting like a married couple BEFORE the marriage) just to see if they can get a glimpse of whether or not things will work out persay the 2 actually got married. The engagement period is
The "engagement" period is just like the "Exclusive" period. Things aren't official YET, BUT going that next step (even if it's not to the final finish line) gives us more TIME---time to stall & to really really think things through---vs. impulsively doing/entering into something w/o 1st getting the feel that things will work out persay you grew to the ultimate level.
I didn't read all of this yet, so apologies everyone. I am exclusive in dating, meaning I cannot wrap my head round doing the several at a time thing. That's just me and sounds horridly old baggish, but there it is.
Dating..getting to know you, talking with you, and here's the sticky bit for yours truly. I make up my mind rapidly in that department. Meaning I fully believe and know I want to be in someones life. I don't go bunny boiler, but oh yes my mental gears turn rapidly. And I tend to make sure that that person has the good, the bad and the indifferent. Just so they know what they're getting into with me. "Still feeling like my shit is something you can deal with? GREAT!" Not that there isn't that grace period to get to know someone, just that I've made up my durned mind on matters. And that slides too....
Exclusivity..which for me is just as simple as "I want to be with you, you want to be with me, and can't see doing it with anyone else."
And naturally the other person needs to be feeling all this too, goes without saying.
Dating..getting to know you, talking with you, and here's the sticky bit for yours truly. I make up my mind rapidly in that department. Meaning I fully believe and know I want to be in someones life. I don't go bunny boiler, but oh yes my mental gears turn rapidly. And I tend to make sure that that person has the good, the bad and the indifferent. Just so they know what they're getting into with me. "Still feeling like my shit is something you can deal with? GREAT!" Not that there isn't that grace period to get to know someone, just that I've made up my durned mind on matters. And that slides too....
Exclusivity..which for me is just as simple as "I want to be with you, you want to be with me, and can't see doing it with anyone else."
And naturally the other person needs to be feeling all this too, goes without saying.
And ...I'll catch up with coffee. 🙂
Some people like going quickly from dating to an official relationship. Someone like me says, "Not so fast!"
Personally, I don't think you should demand any monogamy sexually from someone UNLESS you're already in a relationship with them. And here's why...Monagomy is the ONE thing that makes a relationship unique. It's 1 of the only FEW things you & your partner give to eachother that no one else can OR should be giving to either of you.
It's ok to semi-act like you're already in a relationship with someone (while being exclusive) just for the sake of testing the waters, BUT I don't think people should play married or act official until they actually are. You'll just have to TRUST & HOPE that the other person already liked you enough to be monogamous with you anyways, vs. always being 1 to demand something.
1. There's pre-dating where both people are putting up fronts or their best foot foward...doesn't mean that you're lying about who you are but instead maybe exaggerating things a litte. In this stage there isn't a strong bond, trust or comfortability yet b/c you just met eachother & obtaining those things take time.
2. Then there's the middle (exclusive). You can atleast PICTURE that person in your future, BUT you aren't quite sure if what you picture will become a reality b/c you're just now starting to grow a friendship, bond, & comfortability. Both people are now starting to let their hair done a little & allow their true colors to come out, thus this is a whole new level of "getting to know someone." You slowly but surely stop dating others on the side & begin to focus in on just the 1 person b/c now that you're focus is limited to just 1 person, you will start to see things that you missed or looked over due to lack of your full undivided attention in the beginning.
In the 2nd stage, you're slightly emotionally attached but NOT all the way, simply b/c you're not yet in a relationship, nor have you done or been all the things 2 people in relationships do. If something goes wrong in this stage, you may be hurt, BUT not as hurt as you'd be persay you found out during the commitment. It's easier to walk away with your head held high BEFORE you fall in love vs. afterwards.
If after you've processed the REAL them & yet you STILL can see them in your future, THEN go for the official title.
In other words, I think being "Exclusive" allows people to stall, be extra patient & protect themselves for as long as they can.
Personally, I don't think you should demand any monogamy sexually from someone UNLESS you're already in a relationship with them. And here's why...Monagomy is the ONE thing that makes a relationship unique. It's 1 of the only FEW things you & your partner give to eachother that no one else can OR should be giving to either of you.
It's ok to semi-act like you're already in a relationship with someone (while being exclusive) just for the sake of testing the waters, BUT I don't think people should play married or act official until they actually are. You'll just have to TRUST & HOPE that the other person already liked you enough to be monogamous with you anyways, vs. always being 1 to demand something.
1. There's pre-dating where both people are putting up fronts or their best foot foward...doesn't mean that you're lying about who you are but instead maybe exaggerating things a litte. In this stage there isn't a strong bond, trust or comfortability yet b/c you just met eachother & obtaining those things take time.
2. Then there's the middle (exclusive). You can atleast PICTURE that person in your future, BUT you aren't quite sure if what you picture will become a reality b/c you're just now starting to grow a friendship, bond, & comfortability. Both people are now starting to let their hair done a little & allow their true colors to come out, thus this is a whole new level of "getting to know someone." You slowly but surely stop dating others on the side & begin to focus in on just the 1 person b/c now that you're focus is limited to just 1 person, you will start to see things that you missed or looked over due to lack of your full undivided attention in the beginning.
In the 2nd stage, you're slightly emotionally attached but NOT all the way, simply b/c you're not yet in a relationship, nor have you done or been all the things 2 people in relationships do. If something goes wrong in this stage, you may be hurt, BUT not as hurt as you'd be persay you found out during the commitment. It's easier to walk away with your head held high BEFORE you fall in love vs. afterwards.
If after you've processed the REAL them & yet you STILL can see them in your future, THEN go for the official title.
In other words, I think being "Exclusive" allows people to stall, be extra patient & protect themselves for as long as they can.
@SweetLibra. Well said. I agree 150%
Being "Exclusive" allows 2 people to slow things down a bit. It allows 2 people to even see if a relationship is something either of them can handle or is ready for. After all, if a person has to wait til the last 30 seconds of being technically single to FINALLY cut off all old flames, that's a red flag. It's important to be able to know/see that someone has the ability to settle down with just 1 person. Why not find out BEFORE the relationship even begins? Hey, the more you know beforehand, the better =)
I think the exclusive stage also allows people to slow down their emotional attachment to the other person too. If things go wrong with the person you're just dating or are slightly exclusive with, things won't be so devestating if all of the sudden things go wrong. It's alot easier to remember your standards & NOT to settle when you're not yet in a relationship with someone, if they've done/said something wrong.
Being "Exclusive" allows 2 people to slow things down a bit. It allows 2 people to even see if a relationship is something either of them can handle or is ready for. After all, if a person has to wait til the last 30 seconds of being technically single to FINALLY cut off all old flames, that's a red flag. It's important to be able to know/see that someone has the ability to settle down with just 1 person. Why not find out BEFORE the relationship even begins? Hey, the more you know beforehand, the better =)
I think the exclusive stage also allows people to slow down their emotional attachment to the other person too. If things go wrong with the person you're just dating or are slightly exclusive with, things won't be so devestating if all of the sudden things go wrong. It's alot easier to remember your standards & NOT to settle when you're not yet in a relationship with someone, if they've done/said something wrong.
a bit better what you're saying after the last few posts and it's something I guess we just have different views on, no worries.
One serious comment...Posted by krysrenee7
I'd rather find out BEFORE the commitment that the guy I'm seeing isn't too keen with the idea of focusing on just 1 person (me) VS. waiting until 6 months into a commitment to find that out.
I need to know BEFORE the commitment that a man has the ability & desire to focus in on just 1 person. And a man should be able to show/prove that w/o making it official 1st.
One person asking, and the other accepting (The "will you be my gf/bf" / exclusivity talk) a relationship IS how people show the desire to focus on just one person. It really is just a question of "names" or "titles". I'm more concerned with the internal stuff than the external. For instance, my wedding day changed NOTHING to me. I was the exact same person and felt the exact same way before the ceremony as after it. As for the exclusive v bf/gf question, once you ask for exclusivity you are asking for the commitment. That is when the relationship changes. If it takes you six months after that to introduce me as your boyfriend, I'd think you were hiding something.
And one (still serious, but) stated more lightly...Posted by krysrenee7
Same goes for marriage. People don't just go from a relationship to marriage. There's an "engagement" period, where they test out the waters to see if getting married is something they oughta do. So they'll play the part (move in together or start acting like a married couple BEFORE the marriage) just to see if they can get a glimpse of whether or not things will work out persay the 2 actually got married. The engagement period is...click to expand
I thought the engagement gave us guys time to beg/borrow/steal enough money to pay for all the things you women dream about and buy/rent/charge/plan/order/cater/have delivered/etc, etc, et fucking cetera... If I asked you to marry me, I already made my commitment. The engagement period is just to allow you to find 1000 people to fill that hall you just had to rent out 😄
@LibraSid: LOL at your engagement theory! Perhaps that is what some people feel the purpose of an engagement is. =P
I agree with your theory too. I think whatever technique works for each person is all that matters.
2 people who are just in a relationship can act as if they're already married, BUT since they're technically NOT married, well they just aren't. Doesn't mean that they can't act like they are or do some of the same things that married people do, but just moreso that things won't 100% feel right unless that official wedding document has been signed.
That's how I feel about the exclusive stage. Yes, if you're exclusive, chances are you've ALREADY been acting like you were in a relationship with that person. BUT since you technically aren't, you sub-consciously emotionally don't give as much to the other person until the commitment is official.
Same thing goes for friendships. I've seen more "friends" act like married couples more than I see married couples acting like married couples! BUT, since they are still "just friends" there are certain things, qualities, etc. that you shouldn't be giving/showing/or whatever to the other person unless you're officially to that next level.
The exclusive stage doesn't intimidate me at all. It used to. People are so terrified at the aspect of being patient or "buying time" if anything just to make sure they're making the right decision. If it's meant to be, the relationship will eventually become official in due time. The bond won't be any less of a bond just b/c we're exclusive this month vs. being in a relationship. If things go smoothly, each couple should naturally transition into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage anyways.
I guess both strategies can work & be just as effective as the other =)
I agree with your theory too. I think whatever technique works for each person is all that matters.
2 people who are just in a relationship can act as if they're already married, BUT since they're technically NOT married, well they just aren't. Doesn't mean that they can't act like they are or do some of the same things that married people do, but just moreso that things won't 100% feel right unless that official wedding document has been signed.
That's how I feel about the exclusive stage. Yes, if you're exclusive, chances are you've ALREADY been acting like you were in a relationship with that person. BUT since you technically aren't, you sub-consciously emotionally don't give as much to the other person until the commitment is official.
Same thing goes for friendships. I've seen more "friends" act like married couples more than I see married couples acting like married couples! BUT, since they are still "just friends" there are certain things, qualities, etc. that you shouldn't be giving/showing/or whatever to the other person unless you're officially to that next level.
The exclusive stage doesn't intimidate me at all. It used to. People are so terrified at the aspect of being patient or "buying time" if anything just to make sure they're making the right decision. If it's meant to be, the relationship will eventually become official in due time. The bond won't be any less of a bond just b/c we're exclusive this month vs. being in a relationship. If things go smoothly, each couple should naturally transition into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage anyways.
I guess both strategies can work & be just as effective as the other =)
"And reading the rest of these responses, I still stand firm on wanting the junior high approach to dating - are you all in or not? lol say no to gray!"
I like that very much. 🙂
I like that very much. 🙂
I agree. I'm not a serial dater either. I don't make it a habit to date as many guys as possible, 1. B/c even if I'm dating 5 guys at once, the chances of them ALL being relationship-quality are slim to none!
However, I don't think there's any harm in taking things as slow as possible. Even when dating 1 person at a time, you can still take things slow or do whatever it takes (which for some is making themselves slow down by way of dating multiple people) so that your chances of entering into a good quality relationship with someone you've thoroughly gotten to know is higher.
If a person truly knows what to look for & if they're truly ready for commitment, their adventures in dating more than 1 person will be short-lived persay 1 of those candidates is a really good catch. After awhile, it's damn near impossible to focus on 1 person and/or get to thoroughly know someone if you're too busy courting/entertaining multiple others.
In other words, if the guy you really like & want is not getting your undivided attention, there's a HUGE chance that you might miss or over look something.
I think we all have the goal to settle down with the ultimate someone. Problem is, some people fall a little too quickly, while others are very very good at "holding out" until they're for sure they've picked the right person. For those who fall a little too quickly, dating multiple others OR participating in the "exclusive stages" can help & prevent them from jumping into something too quick. After all, there's no gain in jumping into a relationship just for the sake of being in 1.
The exclusive stage isn't necessarily necessary BUT for some types of people who tend to be more impulsive & impatient, it can def. help to slow things down a bit. Being exclusive buys you some time; not b/c you're insecure or aren't ready for commitment but moreso b/c you recognize the importance in allowing as much time as possible to get to know someone before committing to them
However, I don't think there's any harm in taking things as slow as possible. Even when dating 1 person at a time, you can still take things slow or do whatever it takes (which for some is making themselves slow down by way of dating multiple people) so that your chances of entering into a good quality relationship with someone you've thoroughly gotten to know is higher.
If a person truly knows what to look for & if they're truly ready for commitment, their adventures in dating more than 1 person will be short-lived persay 1 of those candidates is a really good catch. After awhile, it's damn near impossible to focus on 1 person and/or get to thoroughly know someone if you're too busy courting/entertaining multiple others.
In other words, if the guy you really like & want is not getting your undivided attention, there's a HUGE chance that you might miss or over look something.
I think we all have the goal to settle down with the ultimate someone. Problem is, some people fall a little too quickly, while others are very very good at "holding out" until they're for sure they've picked the right person. For those who fall a little too quickly, dating multiple others OR participating in the "exclusive stages" can help & prevent them from jumping into something too quick. After all, there's no gain in jumping into a relationship just for the sake of being in 1.
The exclusive stage isn't necessarily necessary BUT for some types of people who tend to be more impulsive & impatient, it can def. help to slow things down a bit. Being exclusive buys you some time; not b/c you're insecure or aren't ready for commitment but moreso b/c you recognize the importance in allowing as much time as possible to get to know someone before committing to them
@LibraSid: Yes, the engagement period is def. a time to think about money, finances & exactly how you're going to pay for the wedding, BUT people mess up when they stop focusing on their relationship & their actual partner!
Yes, it's good to bring out the "financial planner" in you BUT it's also just as important/necessary to remember that UNTIL you're married to someone, you still have alot of getting to know them to do!
It's like people stop wanting to continually get to know the other person once they get the engagement ring! That's a HUGE mistake, especially considering some true colors WON'T/DON'T come out until you're engaged to or living with someone!
Not only have you got to do some financial planning for the wedding, BUT you've also gotta continue doing some emotional, mental, spiritual & relationship-planning too! The 2 go hand in hand! At NO time should 2 people ever forget that there's gonna be a wedding for a reason!
Yes, it's good to bring out the "financial planner" in you BUT it's also just as important/necessary to remember that UNTIL you're married to someone, you still have alot of getting to know them to do!
It's like people stop wanting to continually get to know the other person once they get the engagement ring! That's a HUGE mistake, especially considering some true colors WON'T/DON'T come out until you're engaged to or living with someone!
Not only have you got to do some financial planning for the wedding, BUT you've also gotta continue doing some emotional, mental, spiritual & relationship-planning too! The 2 go hand in hand! At NO time should 2 people ever forget that there's gonna be a wedding for a reason!
yeah, there's a difference. you can casually date and you can date exclusively. i don't see where the confusion is unless the couple doesn't discuss it.
Posted by THEKingofLibraPosted by LibraSid
When would you just conclude that you were in an exclusive relationship?
First time she says 'Hello' to me.click to expand
That's funny. LOL
One of the best scenes everrrrrrrrrrr:
I know, not the best actor I'll allow, but what she said to him is so true. "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy..asking him to love her." Makes me all mooshy and hits home in such a big way.
Exactly Bling, that's what is at the bottom of it.
Oh I know CappyLuv, any woman with an ounce of heart just melts at that scene.
Oh I know CappyLuv, any woman with an ounce of heart just melts at that scene.
^ LOL
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Me & my girlfriends were talking about this recently & I was surprised that alot of people actually have different definitions of what it means to be "exclusive."
To some, asking another person to be exclusive with you is the SAME as basically asking for a relationship/official title.
To others, being exclusive means NOT yet having the official "relationship title" BUT yet agreeing to ONLY date eachother until a commitment or relationship is finally official or established in the near future (if that ever even happens).
What's your take on this? Is there really even a difference? I think acknowledging that everyone's definition of exclusive (or other things) may be different & actually trying to figure out those differences can actually save 2 people from a big misunderstanding, argument or long-term clash.
For instance, if a guy's definition of being exclusiveness has NOTHING to do with there being an official relationship title, a woman asking him to be exclusive & whom believes that an official commitment absolutely has everything to do with it, might get her feelings hurt & might think she's in a relationship/commitment even though the guy doesn't think so. And THAT can be a problem, especially when it comes to monogamy.
To some, being "Exclusive" means agreeing not to have sexual relations with anyone else. But what about the people who haven't yet had sex? Them not sleeping with others might just be their own way of practicing patience or abstinence, moreso that it indicating that they're committed to eachother. Some may not "give it up" b/c they wouldn't do so with anyone, vs. them only concealing the goods out of respect, loyalty & commitment to the other person.
Back in high school, 2 people would know they were officially in a relationship b/c 1 person (usually the guy) would literally come right out & ask, "Hey, will you be my girlfriend?" But now, it seems that people are naturally fading/falling into relationships with eachother, even if neither person verbally/technically made it official.