Chasing

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about dating the other day. She was explaining to me that she was disappointed in men not chasing anymore. I said plenty of guys chase, but its really a matter of when they chase, who, and for what reason. Just because they chase you, doesn't mean they have your best interest at heart. I further explained that just by chasing, in a way you are kind of being selfish because you're looking to fulfill an empty spot in your life . So instinctively its more about you than them from the beginning. You can't build a house on a flawed foundation.

But I want to focus on just chasing. Specifically, who should do it. Who's role. I'll give my personal feelings first. For me, I stopped doing it. I look for a natural progression into a relationship. I've received much criticism. Mainly because I'm a man and I'm expected to chase. My friend above said that I'm chasing a career so why not be proactive when it comes to a relationship? I said, its simple. My job is guaranteed to pretty much reward me for my efforts...at least from a legal standpoint. I pretty much know what I'm getting. A relationship is different. My premise is, that both you have something to prove. Not necessarily what you can do, but if you're the right person. So why should one receive the bulk of the attention when they also have something to show. Initiation is neutral in my view, but by being friends first both are on equal footing. Thus allowing things to flow. But chasing, at least to me, is ego boosting and attention getting. The person chases, gets you, then turns their attention on themselves. Which is kinda natural because they've put a lot of energy into getting you. By "platonic friends first." The energy is given equally. Less tension and its more conducive to foster the things needed for growth(trust, loyalty, communication, etc).

So what are your thoughts?

Hey PM!

It's odd though because I had three different women ask me this question last week. It wasn't about me, but guys they liked and they asked me for advice. It's nothing personal for me lol. But I was curious about the topic in general.

I've had the same experience(and conversation) as you in your example with women and most I didn't even have a romantic interest. But lets be real here, some people's egos are so large that they think that the guy has a romantic interest when he's simply trying to be friends. "I'm great so I'm supposed to be wanted/chased." That either turns men off or makes the woman a "conquest."

I understand what you're saying, but she chose to do that. You're already proving my point. Why, because the door swings both ways ultimately. But lets look at what you're saying. If its about effort, shouldn't you be doing that in order to get what want? Is he putting in less effort? I'm not saying that a woman isn't putting in less effort but the equation isn't balanced.

Second, if a woman is to chase, the rules don't change. If your intentions aren't pure or as pure as they can be, you will get back what you put out. Inf you're insecure you're most likely to end up with an insecure person and people hide very well.

From what I've seen, the "friends first equal approach" has the best results. What I've also seen from these relationships, is that the women fell in love over the fact that the man was an honorable person. His integrity, dedication, little hypocrisy, and the fact the he acted like he gave a damn about them. Not a bad boy or half good half bad. They had reached a point to where they were ready for peace and changed what they looked for. And yes, there were butterflies. If drama and tension give you butterflies, you will get exactly that...the good and the bad.

Posted by guiwaterdaymaster
Yes... which will never work out for you because you are to evolved and want some you truly love...

It is hard for someone to fake it with you because you can tell... as well...

Gotta admit...on point. It's a gift. I used to think it was a curse too until I accepted it about myself. I can tell immediately.

Everything else you say is true as I've experienced the same. It got to the point to where it was so annoying, I didn't want to date anybody. I'm a Sag ultimately, therefore I take a relaxed approach. I'm a man of my word and not a commitment phobe. Things are a lot simpler than people make it out to be.

Posted by guiwaterdaymaster
Yes... which will never work out for you because you are to evolved and want some you truly love...

It is hard for someone to fake it with you because you can tell... as well...

Gotta admit...on point. It's a gift. I used to think it was a curse too until I accepted it about myself. I can tell immediately.

Everything else you say is true as I've experienced the same. It got to the point to where it was so annoying, I didn't want to date anybody. I'm a Sag ultimately, therefore I take a relaxed approach. I'm a man of my word and not a commitment phobe. Things are a lot simpler than people make it out to be.

@PM: you hit the nail on the head.

Here's the thing with me though, outside of physical attraction, I've had maybe one or two instant pulls in my life. I don't know what it is. Although I've loved every woman I've been with, only two can claim that I was absolutely crazy over...and one of them is a Pisces lol.

@Bikerch1ck:

Men experience the same thing when chasing...rejection. So its natural for a woman to go through the same thing. Remember, if you're going to chase, its what you're chasing and numbers.

As for purity, is it about being in a committed relationship or loving? When you say "committed" that says to me that its about security. It's understandable but you can't get that from an insecure person. Also, you have to look at the mentality level on which you base your attraction and what you look for. You can't want security while being shallow. Even security itself is shallow when looking at love. Love provides its own and best type of security.

Posted by guiwaterdaymaster

Posted by beautifulsoul74
@PM: you hit the nail on the head.

Here's the thing with me though, outside of physical attraction, I've had maybe one or two instant pulls in my life. I don't know what it is. Although I've loved every woman I've been with, only two can claim that I was absolutely crazy over...and one of them is a Pisces lol.

Pisces can really understand people if they are mature...

I can believe that one... If you put yourself in healthy balanced places... you will run into healthy balanced people that share interest... which may create a bond... just have to keep doing out going things and I sure you will find the one you are looking for... some times you have to take up activities women like... or will want to share with a man... Learn to dance or if you know how go to these things... if you like art got to art shows... if you like wine go to wine tasting... if you like live music go to hear it... just keep crossing things off... that bucket list and I am sure you will find one... out there...

PM

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Thank you for your kind words. It's a process and I'm focused mainly on other things. Right now I'm relaxing but with my Scorp bits in play, I can't help but investigate lol.

Posted by kalin

Posted by beautifulsoul74

As for purity, is it about being in a committed relationship or loving? When you say "committed" that says to me that its about security. It's understandable but you can't get that from an insecure person. Also, you have to look at the mentality level on which you base your attraction and what you look for. You can't want security while being shallow. Even security itself is shallow when looking at love. Love provides its own and best type of security.

Well said!! I just began to realize that myself. I don't chase a lot (only chased 3 guys in my life time), but when I do, its because I want to "own" the guy, and I think you are right, it's about security. If I purely love the person, I should be able to just enjoy his friendship, or be happy that he is in my life. It shouldn't be such a big deal that we are an item or not.

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Thank you and you speak wisely as well. Your story is kinda funny though as I've had someone try to "own" me lol.

@PM:and Kalin: both of you have made really good points. While we may discuss ideals, what you two describe is what realistically happens. One who has self respect operates on a sense of right and wrong and they follow it most of the time. Despite what you may see on here and elsewhere, the majority of people have it figured out. Its about humbling yourself and being grounded. When you do that, you broaden your horizons. Recognize your needs. What's deep and fulfilling? Altruistic and is more likely to last? Develop those things within yourself and it will be easier to find someone who fits with you.

@Bikerchic1ck: I used to chase and it is true. You get rejected a lot until you refine your skills. But here is the bigger picture because we also determine what happens. It all begins with the mind. Your thoughts are power. They plant seeds in your subconscious and program you to carry out those thoughts to create the reality that exists in your mind. It will show in your words and mannerisms. It is expressed in the energy/vibrations we give off. You will attract two types of people. Those who are operating on that same energy vibration and those who are operating on a higher frequency.

Also, love exists on its own terms. It comes whether you have a commitment or not. Commitment does not equal love.

Posted by BalmyTigress
I'm not sure where's the line between chasing and showing your interest. Chasing sounds like someone persistently going after you and that's kind of suffocating.

I'm not afraid to go after what I want, but after joining this site, I've been educated that I shouldn't do that, because it'll be a turn-off for men. Subsequently, I've lost interest in relationships altogether :-) I'd rather focus on something else now, something that'll actually make me feel accomplished and happy.

So I guess I don't have much to add :-)

I'm here to tell you its ok to approach a guy _—Not all men are turned off by it. We're much like women and its also about how you approach us. Its also about who you approach.

Posted by beautifulsoul74
But lets be real here, some people's egos are so large that they think that the guy has a romantic interest when he's simply trying to be friends. "I'm great so I'm supposed to be wanted/chased." That either turns men off or makes the woman a "conquest."

yes!

A woman will be friendly with a guy and expect them to understand they're just being friendly...yet when a guy is friendly with a woman she immediately thinks he is pursuing her.

idk I almost never assume someone is coming onto me unless it is like BLATANT

because that shits annoying, imo. girls who think everyone wants them....in that case they're truly incapable of being friends with the opposite sex...therefore their "innocent" friendliness really isn't just that is it?

ANYWAYS in terms of chasing, I am going to pretty much make the OP's point. Lol

I feel like men are innately conquerors.
That's just nature.

Women chasing men is backwards. You just don't see that in nature.

I don't think men should have to take all the initiative...I do think it should balance out...
but call me sexist, I think it's absurd when women chase after a man who is not reciprocating.
Way more ridiculous than when a man does it, since that is naturally how things work.

Damn Bri we are twins! Lmao! I pretty much agree with everything you said.

Its simple really. Usually in these scenarios, the man/woman is actually a good person. The "chased" sit there and get all the attention etc and then guess what? The other person grows a spine and backs off then the original persons has the nerve to be offended because they gave them the proverbial F U! Then, they either chase out of ego or because they actually got a dose of "get right" in them but by then the other person may have moved on.

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by chopstickcharmer

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by beautifulsoul74


I'm here to tell you its ok to approach a guy _—Not all men are turned off by it. We're much like women and its also about how you approach us. Its also about who you approach.

Thanks. Though I still am going to take a long break from any of that, and it feels kind of good. I am trying to figure out what kind of relationship I would want down the line, but don't seem to know that either.

Anyhoo, I'm still unclear about the difference between chasing and showing your interest though. What is it?

chasing is getting him to marry you lulz!

That reminds me of the book Chasing Harry Winston. It was so bad and depressing and I couldn't even finish reading it.

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I heard that book was depressing.

The society expect men chasing women. As time change some women now are chasing men thus creating a somewhat liberal society.??
Personally I have never chase anyone in my life esp in relationship with opposite sex. During the younger years of my soul I would love to have someone chase me thinking that they are really soooo into me and when the chasing part ends, reality sets in and issues arises, that's when I see that the energy had been wasted somewhere on the chasing part instead of releasing it moderately to sustain the relationship in the long run.??
As my soul reaches maturity I stopped falling for the one who is chasing me. Am not saying that I can totally defy gravity only that I have learned so much. I put it to a halt. I also learn to guard my thoughts.??
Reaching to a conclusion that I deserve and will get the soul of another person that I truly deserve and vice versa made myself operate at a different level than I used to. I am evolving and the closer I am aware of my source, the better I become as a traveling soul. The chasing has never work on me. The things that I have deep within me are the things that makes me whole. I am living as a sole being and one day, someday in the sun shiny part of my life. The right soul will come. Someone who is operating on the same level as I do and is capable of sustaining a stable frequency and energy and I to him as well.??

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by beautifulsoul74
Damn Bri we are twins! Lmao! I pretty much agree with everything you said.

Hang on. So when you said that not all men think that a woman chasing them is a turn off, you meant the kind of men who are Mother Nature's cast-offs?

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He said approach...not chase...two different things.

There's nothing wrong with a woman being upfront and honest about how she feels. That's actually refreshing I bet. It's the chasing after someone who has shown 0 interest in you that is a bit backwards

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by brianafay

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by beautifulsoul74
Damn Bri we are twins! Lmao! I pretty much agree with everything you said.

Hang on. So when you said that not all men think that a woman chasing them is a turn off, you meant the kind of men who are Mother Nature's cast-offs?

He said approach...not chase...two different things.

There's nothing wrong with a woman being upfront and honest about how she feels. That's actually refreshing I bet. It's the chasing after someone who has shown 0 interest in you that is a bit backwards

I see. I'm still confused though, where's the line between chasing and showing interest. When am I allowed to actively pursue what I want and when is it considered going against Mother Nature?

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Lol you can do whatever you feel is right.

It was just my opinion

I think showing interest is completely different than chasing...chasing is pursuing continually after rejection. Showing interest is just that. I think it's pretty simple, don't complicate it. :/

You don't come off as desperate if that's what you're worried about?

Posted by beautifulsoul74

Posted by BalmyTigress
I'm not sure where's the line between chasing and showing your interest. Chasing sounds like someone persistently going after you and that's kind of suffocating.

I'm not afraid to go after what I want, but after joining this site, I've been educated that I shouldn't do that, because it'll be a turn-off for men. Subsequently, I've lost interest in relationships altogether :-) I'd rather focus on something else now, something that'll actually make me feel accomplished and happy.

So I guess I don't have much to add :-)

I'm here to tell you its ok to approach a guy _—Not all men are turned off by it. We're much like women and its also about how you approach us. Its also about who you approach.

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Its seems that most men use it as a ego boost.

QUESTION B/S
IF YOU APPROCH A WOMAN AND HAVE SOME INTERACTION
THEN SHE PRETENDS TO NOT BE INTERESTED BUT WANTS YOU TO CHASE HER
SHOULD YOU I DON'T.

Posted by bkbella86

Posted by beautifulsoul74

Posted by BalmyTigress
I'm not sure where's the line between chasing and showing your interest. Chasing sounds like someone persistently going after you and that's kind of suffocating.

I'm not afraid to go after what I want, but after joining this site, I've been educated that I shouldn't do that, because it'll be a turn-off for men. Subsequently, I've lost interest in relationships altogether :-) I'd rather focus on something else now, something that'll actually make me feel accomplished and happy.

So I guess I don't have much to add :-)

I'm here to tell you its ok to approach a guy _—Not all men are turned off by it. We're much like women and its also about how you approach us. Its also about who you approach.

Its seems that most men use it as a ego boost.

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.

I can easily argue that not approaching a guy or saying you shouldn't I'd about ego as well. How is walking up to a guy and saying "Hi my name is..." an ego boost? If that's you're argument, then is it safe to say that most women get an ego boost?

I hear what you're saying but that's my deepest point, both sexes need to remove their egos from the equation.

Posted by james tate
QUESTION B/S
IF YOU APPROCH A WOMAN AND HAVE SOME INTERACTION
THEN SHE PRETENDS TO NOT BE INTERESTED BUT WANTS YOU TO CHASE HER
SHOULD YOU I DON'T.

I don't either because her pretending turns me off. It may be harsh but I look at it from a maturity standpoint. Truth is, if someone is not mature, telling them or not isn't going to change that. So pretending that you don't like someone when you do makes you look insincere.

By playing such "games", as Tate and BS eluded to, can give them impression that one is not interested... or not interested enough.

Personally, I wouldn't want to risk a good thing by "pretending"... if I'm busy, I'm busy. If I'm not, let's get it on 🙂

Posted by feby16aqua
I say just go with it and see what happens. It's all about the flow...
I do like to be chased though honestly lol. Chase. run and hide. chase. here i am. chase. oh hi. chase, kiss kiss. 😛

The chasing and being chased is the fun part... 🙂

POINT TAKEN B/S

SO YOU WANT TO BE CHASED
WHAT IF YOUR CAUGHT?

It's part of the process I think...

It doesn't have to be negative and I think it's fun if both understand they are flirting with it.

Posted by feby16aqua

Posted by aquapiscescusp

Posted by feby16aqua
I say just go with it and see what happens. It's all about the flow...
I do like to be chased though honestly lol. Chase. run and hide. chase. here i am. chase. oh hi. chase, kiss kiss. 😛

The chasing and being chased is the fun part... 🙂

lol exactly. Someone gets it. Not for harm's sake DUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I could never deal with boring.

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Feby, I get you 😛

AT THE START IF A WOMAN
GIVES THE INPRESION SHE IS INTERESTED IN ME
THEN KIND OF REJECTS ME
I DON'T GIVE UP BUT I DON'T MOVE FORWARD ETHER
I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK I AM
A STALKER.
I ALWAYS ASK FOR A PHONE NUMBER IF GIVEN ONE
I MOVE FORWARD IF IM TOLD ILL
THINK ABOUT IT HOPE SHE DOESN'T HOLD HER BREATH.
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF MAKING THINGS EXCITING
AND I'M ITS NOT SEX.

THEN GOOD FOR YOU

Posted by chopstickcharmer
i think guys should chase... then disappear! 😛

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!! 😉

Games people play... childish! Grow up and just live and be you!! Fuck the game playing, snotty ass, bullshit!!

People (esp women, apparently) suck rocks!!

You should want someone to like you for you!

But, you go on with your high and mighty selves, keep pretending...

*smh*

I really adore it and appreciate it when the man does the chasing, it makes me feel special if its sincere... I don't go out looking for men and am old school essentially. Could say I'm a product of my environment and upbringing and have a strong moral and ethic code instilled in me... Hasn't hurt me any I might add... :0)

Thanx Miss :0)

SHOULD
BLING AND I YELL TALLY HO WHEN WE CHASE?

I will add that it bothers me at times to see ladies depict a man as being masculine because he chases. When will we evolve past the basic levels and think that there are multiple ways a man is masculine and that because he doesn't chase that he's less than a man?

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by beautifulsoul74
I will add that it bothers me at times to see ladies depict a man as being masculine because he chases. When will we evolve past the basic levels and think that there are multiple ways a man is masculine and that because he doesn't chase that he's less than a man?

I do attach certain assertiveness with masculinity, but not necessarily "chasing". Especially as I still visualize the word as something very Benny Hill-esque.

I would be most pleased if a man was confident enough to state that he is interested, clearly, and then back off a bit, to allow me to evaluate the situation and think. If he can get me to come to him after that, then I'd say he's pretty masculine in my eyes.

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+1

Posted by BalmyTigress

Posted by beautifulsoul74
I will add that it bothers me at times to see ladies depict a man as being masculine because he chases. When will we evolve past the basic levels and think that there are multiple ways a man is masculine and that because he doesn't chase that he's less than a man?

I do attach certain assertiveness with masculinity, but not necessarily "chasing". Especially as I still visualize the word as something very Benny Hill-esque.

I would be most pleased if a man was confident enough to state that he is interested, clearly, and then back off a bit, to allow me to evaluate the situation and think. If he can get me to come to him after that, then I'd say he's pretty masculine in my eyes.

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I guess its just me as those types of situations bore me. Personally, I'm looking for my equal as to me assertiveness is gender neutral. With that bring said,mi no longt associate masculinity with men nor femininity with women. My Sag sun causes me too look beyond the basics of mere attraction. If I am to be the only one chasing, then don't question me when situations arise and I assert myself and be a man. Here's the broader point. A woman should be equally assertive if both are to survive in today's society. If you look at my chasing you as a demonstration of my love and affection for you, that to me says you're insecure as you need that attention in order to reciprocate. I feel a woman should be wise and have the instincts to take the lead as realistically I won't always be able to. That takes confidence in ones self. Confidence that I love and value you even though I don't chase.

In essence it all boils down to personal choice I guess... There is no right or wrong .....And no masculinity does not equate to chasing...

Posted by beautifulsoul74
I will add that it bothers me at times to see ladies depict a man as being masculine because he chases. When will we evolve past the basic levels and think that there are multiple ways a man is masculine and that because he doesn't chase that he's less than a man?

I wouldn't want to be chased... makes me feel icky, and they desperate. Def NOT masculine!

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT BLING MAY NOT POST TODAY

HE SPENT LAST NIGHT RUNNING AFTER BITCHES AT CLUBS.

AH HE LIVES

I think men need to chase. I've done mild chasing in the past and it's never worked out for me. I later learned it was either the man I was interested in wasn't all that interested in me and/or he had a woman in his life.

Just my opinion here and many women prove me wrong in their (more successful approach) but I think a woman should FLIRT with a man she's interested in and see if he works up the nerve to ask her out. I do agree that women can make it needlessly hard on men by not sending out signals of interest. I read somewhere that it's always a woman who decides whether a man will approach her by the signals she sends out in a social situation where they would mingle. So yeah, it does take two to tango, however, making the first move has never worked out for me or my girlfriends. Got one whose doing all the chasing and her boyfriend has told her (now twice) that he cares for her but has never been in love with her. Fine if she's cool with it but she's not. I don't blame her at all for chasing here. I'm just saying, doesn't work, from my experience.

INTERESTING

Posted by Este8
I think men need to chase. I've done mild chasing in the past and it's never worked out for me. I later learned it was either the man I was interested in wasn't all that interested in me and/or he had a woman in his life.

Just my opinion here and many women prove me wrong in their (more successful approach) but I think a woman should FLIRT with a man she's interested in and see if he works up the nerve to ask her out. I do agree that women can make it needlessly hard on men by not sending out signals of interest. I read somewhere that it's always a woman who decides whether a man will approach her by the signals she sends out in a social situation where they would mingle. So yeah, it does take two to tango, however, making the first move has never worked out for me or my girlfriends. Got one whose doing all the chasing and her boyfriend has told her (now twice) that he cares for her but has never been in love with her. Fine if she's cool with it but she's not. I don't blame her at all for chasing here. I'm just saying, doesn't work, from my experience.

I think we need to define chasing. Flirting is initiation. Chasing to me is what happens after the first meeting.

I think we need to define chasing. Flirting is initiation. Chasing to me is what happens after the first meeting.



I totally agree that flirting is initiation. For me, chasing means a man asks the woman out and takes the initiative in the very beginning. We look for signals from each other. After the first few months, there's no chase. There's just two people who will or will not stay together.

CHASING IS O.K. AS LONG AS THE CHASER KNOWS WHEN NO IS NO
BEYOUND A CERTEN POINT IS STALKING.

Posted by james tate
CHASING IS O.K. AS LONG AS THE CHASER KNOWS WHEN NO IS NO
BEYOUND A CERTEN POINT IS STALKING.

Or, let's not forget, if the stalker is driving a really nice car! :0)