For MEN: Sex for pleasure vs sex for love

Since i hear a lot of men saying, sleeping with someone other than their partner does not mean they dont love that partner! Could you explain what else does it mean when you know it jeopardizes your commitment, promise or whatever you ma call it?

2) State the difference when sex is made with someone you love, you like, or just met!

3)What did it feel like (to you and in front of your partner) if you were ever caught cheating?

Thank you for clarifying this to us, the women who dont understand what makes u think its "greener" on the wrong side! 🙂

I'll use friendship as a metaphor.

We are all social animals. Just because you have a best friend does not mean that you don't have the need to socialize with other people. And stripped to the core, sex is basically just another form of social interaction. Like all social interactions, you can become friends (FWB), or simply ineract as acquaintances or perfect strangers (ONS) .

I know this is mens only but I'd have to agree with ET...men and women are different but we also have a lot of similarities. I've been in relationships before where I lost sexual chemistry or drive for my partner (not the need just the desire meaning I could have sex with someone else but I chose not to... least not until I got out of the relationship) but I still loved my partner.

I think you're confusing love with sex and those two things are not the same thing. Just because someone has sex with someone doesn't mean they love them and vice versa... just because you don't want to have sex with them or you want to have sex with someone else doesn't mean your feelings have changed for your partner.

Now whether it's right or wrong is whole other topic.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side it's where you water it and that goes for women too. If you are being too motherly or nagging and basically sucking the chemistry out of the romance then your grass is technically not green so of course he's going to want to graze on other pastures. Not saying it's okay but pointing out the truth from the other side.

The grass probably isn't greener on the other side.... but as they say, in the end we don't regret the things we did, but the things we didn't do.
Or the people we didn't do.. 😉

I think alot turns on how we define things like love as this thread already demonstrates. If you're inclined to see love as more of an active thing, not strictly about how you feel, but also encompassing other components like the maintaining of loyalty, trust, self-sacrifice, etc., then no, you're probably not going to see it as properly loving someone if you cheat on them. If love is defined in a less robust form, and is just about how we feel at a particular time, or over time, who we spend most of our time around, who we primarily sleep with, live with, etc., any number of behaviors can be consistent with being "in love".

Any number of definitions exist and predetermine acceptable behavior, and it think it varies according to your worldview. Is love basically brain chemistry? Is it a metaphysical force that exists in the universe, independent even of relationship? There are a whole spectrum of beliefs about what love is. I think the important thing is that you and your partner agree on what the love between the two of you will entail, and try you best to abide by that.

I'm not a man, and I agree that having sex does not mean you love the person. However, I find it hard to believe a man who says that he is in love with his partner and wants to have sex with other people.

I understand if said partner was no longer engaging in sex with him, but if you have regular sex with someone you love, there is no way you'd want to have sex with someone else. Something must be wrong in the relationship or the guy is simply fooling himself.

Posted by lotus
if you have regular sex with someone you love, there is no way you'd want to have sex with someone else. Something must be wrong in the relationship or the guy is simply fooling himself.

Being an idealist about love, I do believe there is a *type* of love so powerful (somewhere out there), that a man might be so fully in love with a partner that he would not desire, even in his thoughts, to have sex with another. But in general, I think you're very wrong. In fact, I think probably the overwhelming majority of men in love, having regular sex (even great sex), probably continually experience a desire to have sex with other women. Its unfortunate, but we do seem to be hardwired to at least desire a variety of sexual partners. And I think we (women included) intentionally design our modern world to continually trigger those desires. I think, if a man is in love (according to a definition of love that *includes* the aim of fidelity), he'll simply exercise self-control over those urges and not cheat.

Another aspect that really complicates matters is the question of whether or not a person can actually be "in love" with more than one person in a romantic way. I tend to think they can, unfortunately.

I think also, just as men can compartmentalize the physical aspects of love and use the "just bc I had sex with someone else, doesn't mean I don't love you" argument to defend their lack of commitment, women can often compartmentalize the emotional aspects of love when they no longer desire to be emotionally committed to the relationship, and use lines like "I still love you, I'm just not *in* love with you anymore."

Posted by lotus
I'm not a man, and I agree that having sex does not mean you love the person. However, I find it hard to believe a man who says that he is in love with his partner and wants to have sex with other people.

I understand if said partner was no longer engaging in sex with him, but if you have regular sex with someone you love, there is no way you'd want to have sex with someone else. Something must be wrong in the relationship or the guy is simply fooling himself.

Yes, you are right but there are guys out there who are sex addicts.

Not saying its right or wrong it is what it is.

But you're right, some men will use it as an excuse in order to have their "cake' and eat it too.

@LilyTree what book are you reading?? Sounds fascinating!

Posted by TaurusLovesScorpio

Posted by lotus
if you have regular sex with someone you love, there is no way you'd want to have sex with someone else. Something must be wrong in the relationship or the guy is simply fooling himself.

In fact, I think probably the overwhelming majority of men in love, having regular sex (even great sex), probably continually experience a desire to have sex with other women. Its unfortunate, but we do seem to be hardwired to at least desire a variety of sexual partners. And I think we (women included) intentionally design our modern world to continually trigger those desires. I think, if a man is in love (according to a definition of love that *includes* the aim of fidelity), he'll simply exercise self-control over those urges and not cheat.

Another aspect that really complicates matters is the question of whether or not a person can actually be "in love" with more than one person in a romantic way. I tend to think they can, unfortunately.

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Continuing to experience desire to have sex with other women and actually acting on it are two different things. I may be in love with my boyfriend/husband and find another man smoking hot and be attracted to him. It doesn't mean I will go and have sex with him....unless there is some aspect of sex missing in my relationship. It holds true for men as well as women.

I've heard the argument, men want variety. Well, women want variety too. We want a man with a bigger dick, a nicer physique, etc. Wanting variety is not an excuse to go out and have sex with other people when you claim to be in love with the one you are with.

No you don't have to love someone to have sex with them. Just like you don't have to dislike someone to murder them. One is an action the other is a feeling. Feelings and actions can lead to one another but never have a universally standard cause and effect relationship. This is also why I think some people get caught up in the making love vs having sex debate. Having feelings behind your actions can definitely change the amount of pleasure you derive from that action.

I think claiming to be in love with one person and wanting to fuck another just means your love is selfish (and therefore I'd argue fake). It shows a disregard for your bf/gf in favor of your lover. Even if the sport fucking means nothing to you it is a betrayal to your partner. You "love them" because you don't want them to leave, not because you want to stay.

Posted by LilyTree

Posted by xtina
@LilyTree what book are you reading?? Sounds fascinating!

It's called 'The Social Animal' by David Brooks. It's about the hidden sources of love, character, and achievement. He delves into the subconscious mind. I am loving it thus far! The book covers various topics including biology and psychology. It's an informative book that delivers scientific information in a concrete way by using characters in a story. His style of writing is amusing, intelligent, and informal (he issues casual language and utilizes a sprinkle of expletives here and there to emphasize a point in a raw manner.)

Instead of just abstractly stating that men are subconsciously attracted to XYZ when first meeting a woman, the writer uses his male character to demonstrate what goes through a man's man when he first meets a woman. I just finished a chapter that dealt with the developmental stages of the fetus, and how we are not the clean slates we believe ourselves to be when we are first born. We actually do most of our learning while still in the womb. The writer used his female character to show how a mother and baby bond. I found this book in the bargain section at Office Depot. I instantly gravitated towards it, and it's a gem!

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Thank you!! I'm definitely going to have to pick it up! Sounds like it's in my ball park.

lotus, OP was talking about physical cheating. You are the person that addressed it on the level of desire: "if you have regular sex with someone you love, there is no way you'd want to have sex with someone else." I pointed out that men pretty much have the desire to have sex with different people, whether or not they are in love. Now you're basically agreeing with me, and even adding that women too will still experience the desire for variety.

Your example of the variety women desire is a little different though. For men it isn't primarily about comparing other women, or seeing a shortcoming in your own woman (and I suggest you're probably not physically compatible if you consistently desire bigger/better, etc.). A man can be dating a woman who is physically perfect - gorgeous in every way. He will still most likely experience a frequent desire to have sex with other women, even women who are less physically attractive. For men, its about sexual novelty, not necessarily comparison:

"for most men in long-term sexually monogamous relationships, a steady decrease in libido has everything to do with biology and hormones and would be the same regardless of the particular woman in their lives...The sexually-monogamous husband of the hottest woman on earth will start to lose interest at a certain point...Men, especially, are designed by evolution to be attracted to sexual novelty and to gradually lose sexual attraction to the same partner in the absence of such novelty."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-dawn/200805/inconvenient-truth-sexual-monogamy-kills-male-libido<BR>
This biological drive is more prominent in male mammals; it has been tested in humans, and dubbed the Coolidge Effect. See Glenn Wilson's _The Great Sex Divide_.

Posted by lotus
Wanting variety is not an excuse to go out and have sex with other people when you claim to be in love with the one you are with.

I agree 100% with this. The desire for variety is just a fact of life, and it simply requires self-control like the desire to overeat, drink, etc. I think for most men, controlling these desires is something they ought to be pretty good at by the time they become an adult, though I think there are alot of current social factors that make it increasingly difficult. I personally would eliminate the desire completely, once in a committed relationship, if I had the option.

Posted by starlover



WE are all fucked

LOL, I agree with this on some level. Love is a hard thing to find, and to maintain on this planet.

Posted by starlover
Are you with a Scorpio ?

I'm not. I came to this forum because I was completely smitten by a Scorpio at work, starting over a year ago, and I was trying to understand what in the world was going on. I had never felt anything like it, and when I started reading into astrology a lot of it started to make sense. I was dating a Sag at the time, but it was very loose and noncommittal. We had been seeing each other on and off because we had both gone through a divorce and were hesitant to get into anything too serious. She wanted to move alot faster than I did. Its a long story, but eventually I decided to commit fully to the Sag and not chase after the Scorp; I felt I owed her that for the time we had seen each other. The Scorp girl was younger and whatever attraction was going on between us, there seemed to be alot of games, distrust, etc. - it felt like it would be a power struggle, drama, etc., and I just felt guilty about it. The Sag became very close with my daughter, and that was also a factor, and it was/is a very comfortable/easy relationship. I need to change my name, but there doesn't seem to be a way to do that without creating a whole new account and losing all your pm's. Anyway, I still work very close to the Scorp at work, and the attraction won't go away. We don't speak, but it has been very hard, devastating even. I've tried everything to make it stop, and it won't. I may have to look for a new job.

So much for mature and "the one that got away", huh? LOL. If anything, this experience has shown me how weak I am, and I *do* understand more now why other people who feel this kind of chemistry can get caught up in cheating. My ex wife cheated over a similar chemistry with someone and it actually helped me to at least understand it a lot better.

The 1 thing to remember is that some things that may be common or "the norm" may not necessarily be rational or logical, if there's a lot to lose than there is to gain by making certain choices.

And these things may not make sense to most women or even some men. BUT, perception is reality, & all that matters is that these kinds of philosophies/mentalities make PERFECT sense to the people who have them!

This is def. a question I'd encourage women to ask men when 1st getting to know them. Of course some may lie & sugar coat things. But you'd be surprised at how many men are straightforward about this especially if they honest to God don't think there's anything wrong with it.

It's a good discussion to have with a man you're thinking about having a future with especially if you're the kind of person who doesn't feel this particular "I can cheat on you but still love you" mentality is fair, right or something you'd be willing to accept.

It's especially important b/c every man will face temptation, & every relationship will have its problems. You're doing yourself a huge favor by trying to find out ahead of time what kind of logic that person uses when faced with temptation or a tough relationship. It's kinda the same as having the "What constitutes as cheating?" convo. That's an important convo too. You'd be surprised at how different your answers may be. Better to nip that in the bud or at least be aware BEFOREhand instead of figuring it out by reading some relationship book AFTER you've gotten your heartbroken & just now realizing that some men (a lot of them actually) really do not only think this way but also JUSTIFY this kind of mentality.

If you run into the kind of person that admits that they're likely to go about their relationships with this specific mentality, you might spare yourself some serious pain. But that's only if you're the kind of woman who seriously hates the men with this mentality. Not every man thinks like that though. But in case the one you meet/have does think this way, it's better to know early on vs. later on.

Some women may understand this man's mentality, but may not be able to practice it themselves

Posted by starlover


Thanks for sharing. It seems you may have to change your job? I dont think you are weak at all because you were attracted to someone other than your woman ~~ you didnt cheat on her did you?

No, I've never physically cheated on anyone. I don't think I could live with myself if I did. I'm finding it hard enough dealing with the guilt of the feelings and attraction.

Posted by starlover
Are you going to stay with the Saggi lady?

I am. I can't leave a woman once I say I love them; once I'm in love, I'm pretty much in for life, unless they cheat or leave. It is just my nature. And I have said that and do mean it. I just don't really know how to deal with the feelings for the Scorp. They fade a bit, I think I have it under control, then they return - especially if there is eye contact with her. It is absolutely insane what the eye contact causes - feelings of total bliss. I hide from her eyes all day. I never believed in *this* kind of love or chemistry, and I never thought I could have feelings of love for two people until this happened. What I've read on Venus in Gemini says it is in a definite possibility for me. I really don't like this particular placement and that is only one reason. The other is that I am an artist, and get bored very easily with creative projects, and skip from one to another. Gemini seems like the true opposite of Taurus in the zodiac, as far as personality characteristics go.

Posted by tiziani
Being heard is definitely underrated. I don't know about all the other stuff but finding someone who really listens is pretty rare. Hasn't hapoened to me yet. Completely in me to keep working on my communication though.

I have a lot of Libra friends. They are the best listeners out of any sign IMO (Virgos 2nd) - extremely considerate and interested in what others have to say, but also often used for their good listening skills, seldom receiving the same treatment in return. I think being a good listener is probably one of the most important components to being a good friend or lover. Everyone is looking for someone who can truly understand them and appreciate them, and to really *know* someone there is just a lot of communication that needs to take place.

Posted by LilyTree
If he'd like to see me as a blond, or he'd like me to wear something specific, it'd make me very happy for him to tell me so that I can give it to him. I know he'd be worth it; I married him, after all.

See, this right here surprised me. My Sag is very trendy, moreso than I even like; she is constantly changing her hair style , color, nails, style of dress, eye color, has 300 pairs of shoes, closets full of clothing, etc. I *traditionally* have felt that I really don't like trendy women, and prefer a more natural beauty, and I have even busted on her a lot about her trendiness. She is 30 and still following teenage trends, some of which are a bit corny. BUT, what is crazy is that when she changes her look, I REALLY do find myself attracted to her much more intensely. Its actually pretty sad and I would never want to have to ask a woman to do that. It seems really shallow. But, since its in her nature to do it anyway, it does actually help tremendously. I do feel a lot of women would be offended by a request like that though.

Posted by soultalk

but TLS, you see women value mental presence/connection more over physical presence. if I came to know my partner was mentally with someone else, it would devastate me.

I actually think it would've been much more devastating for her to find out I physically cheated than that I have fantasized about connecting with another woman, but I get the thrust of what you're saying. Even if its not worse, or even equally bad, its still bad.I'd be devastated were the roles reversed. And of course, its been eating me up; I feel terrible. Unfortunately I didn't choose the state of events and I have done so much to try and end it. It just hasn't been something I can really do completely. Its hard to make feelings go away.

Posted by soultalk

so taurus secretly like change?

I think it is having Venus in Gemini that makes me more like this.

Posted by soultalk
but I have gone through a time with someone where I constantly worried he thought of someone else more over me. it used to make me crazy. but then he implied that at times by his actions. most times I think he did that to get a reaction out of me. guess he was feeding his ego off of my jealousy. I hated it. made me feel insecure. but I was younger then, today I guess I can walk out of such a situation. what bothers me is if he really was more into the other person he should have just left me all alone from the start.

Sounds very immature...Jealousy is something I try to completely eliminate from my relationships, mainly bc I'm so prone to it and it is so toxic. Usually the women I'm with are too so its important to establish a mutual desire and effort to get rid of it. Using it as a tool or weapon against your SO is really bad....

Men sometimes have sex for pleasure only & other times for pleasure and love combined. If he doesn't care about you, all he wants is sex. If he does care about you, he'll STILL want sex lol but he'll also want more from you.

Just depends on the woman. Just depends on what "phase" he's in at that time of his life.

If he's in the "I love being single & mingling" phase, he's probably not looking at your azz b/c he wants to bone you AND fall in love with you.

However, when he's in the "time for me to settle down/find a wife" stage, he's still def. gonna want sex for pleasure, only this time he's gonna want a connection with some substance added to it. i.e. icing on top of an already fantastic cake

Sometimes men cheat & are telling the truth when they explain afterwards that the girl meant nothing. If he didn't have an emotional attachment to her at the time he cheated, he's right. She meant nothing. She was a sexual object who agreed to be his sexual object, so he robbed the bank b/c the doors were wide open with opportunity.

Other times men cheat sexually b/c they have an emotional connection with the other woman. If the attachment has emotional substance, then of course he's gonna wanna have sex. Men get even hornier for the women they love. Only difference is, in this case, sex isn't gonna be the only thing he wants from her. This of course is 1 of the main reasons people feel that emotional infidelity is worse than strictly physical infidelity.

All men love variety & will never get over their tribal desire for it. They're always gonna get a hard on & have nasty thoughts whenever "sex appeal" in the form of a woman enters the room. The only difference b/w faithful men & unfaithful men is that faithful men have learned how to tame that inner beast/demon within them.

Simple. Men aren't really all that complicated sometimes as women like to make them seem.