WaterCup
@WaterCup
14 Years10,000+ Posts
Comments: 712 · Posts: 13125 · Topics: 157
Have you ever really messed up and he came back?
Posted by beautifulmountain
In my defence, I was in a really bad place trying to deal with some childhood abuse issues that came up and that's why I was so overly sensitive about it. I've done that now, but can't take back what I did.
To ask for the truth isn't a big time mess up ... so, you've done something else in which you haven't told us.
If you had to have a defense, then that means you're looking for justification, so you don't have to really deal with the fact that you fucked up.
Because if your reasoning as to why you did this to him (whatever the "this" is that you didn't tell us) is because you can't handle your ghosts, and so attempted to project it all onto him, then there is no valid justification.
And that is, what it is here ... for you to say that you were in a bad place and this is why you did what you did means = you attempted to put your bullshit onto him.
why would any guy come back to that?
they won't .... check yourself, deal with your own bullshit, it's not another persons responsibility
This guy did you a favor. He lied to you, got caught & disappeared. That's usually the case when someone doesn't want to or isn't ready to face responsibility. So they run. They cowar & leave, which is just another slap in the face
However, there's a difference b/w writing him to scold him for what he's doing/did (venting) Vs. Writing him to get some kind of closure
If you're way of venting is going off, insulting him, scolding him like a child for what he did & projecting your own childhood issues on him, you can't expect him to write you back or be so nice if he actually does respond. I'm sure whatever you wrote in those emails didn't send the message that you wanted him back & couldn't live without him.
If your way of venting is talking in a manner that makes your words sound final, then you can't expect for him to write back either.
Most women are used to a man messing up, then start complaining when he tries using manipulation, reverse psychology & the push/pull tricks afterwards. They tell men that if they can't do right, just leave us alone. But when a man does that, we can't handle it. We're like wait, what happened?!
This is a perfect example of how some words you can't always take back. I don't think this is about him. This is about your ego. This is about you. This about rejection. You're secretly telling yourself, "How dare he let me go when I'M the one who should've done all the rejecting!!"
You are freaking out b/c he has control. The person who disappears 1st will always have control b/c disappearing stirs up so many emotions in others, even if they were originally the ones who were wronged. Your upset that he's got control, so of course you feel powerless & are full of questions.
If you want him back, then ask yourself if you can truly forgive him for what he lied to you about in the case that he comes back. If you said some mean things to him, apologize 1st, THEN make your case by telling him that you want him back.
Once you've done that, give him some TIME!!!
However, there's a difference b/w writing him to scold him for what he's doing/did (venting) Vs. Writing him to get some kind of closure
If you're way of venting is going off, insulting him, scolding him like a child for what he did & projecting your own childhood issues on him, you can't expect him to write you back or be so nice if he actually does respond. I'm sure whatever you wrote in those emails didn't send the message that you wanted him back & couldn't live without him.
If your way of venting is talking in a manner that makes your words sound final, then you can't expect for him to write back either.
Most women are used to a man messing up, then start complaining when he tries using manipulation, reverse psychology & the push/pull tricks afterwards. They tell men that if they can't do right, just leave us alone. But when a man does that, we can't handle it. We're like wait, what happened?!
This is a perfect example of how some words you can't always take back. I don't think this is about him. This is about your ego. This is about you. This about rejection. You're secretly telling yourself, "How dare he let me go when I'M the one who should've done all the rejecting!!"
You are freaking out b/c he has control. The person who disappears 1st will always have control b/c disappearing stirs up so many emotions in others, even if they were originally the ones who were wronged. Your upset that he's got control, so of course you feel powerless & are full of questions.
If you want him back, then ask yourself if you can truly forgive him for what he lied to you about in the case that he comes back. If you said some mean things to him, apologize 1st, THEN make your case by telling him that you want him back.
Once you've done that, give him some TIME!!!
Sometimes a man leaves b/c he realizes that you've discovered his skeletons. He realizes that the "gig is over." He usually assumes that even if he did come back, you'd just scold him, continuously bring it up, always hold it over his head & never really forgive him for it
If that's what he's thinking, then no, he won't come back.
Other times a man leaves even when he was originally in the wrong b/c during the "space" phase, he sees an ugly side of you that he didn't see before. Whereas he might've been at home beating himself up for messing up at 1st, his attention is now on all the crazy things you're doing/saying.
And when 2 people split or take time apart, that's when all the reflecting is done. If you're showing him sides of you that he realizes he may not want to deal with in the future, then he'll make the decision that leaving you alone is for the best for you BOTH, & he'll leave you alone as a favor to himself & to you
This happens all the time. The guy messes up---> The guy starts feeling like crap for his actions--->The woman overreacts & starts acting crazy--->The guy no longer sees the woman as someone he should win back, but instead someone he should stay away from---->Guy realizes that you have too much baggage, but wouldn't have realized that had there not been some "space"--->Guy starts to feel grateful that he walked away as opposed to being remorseful--->Guy makes final decision to let go--->Girl can't handle the distance even though she pushed him away--->Guy gets further annoyed & turned off b/c the longer he ignores her, the more of her ugly side she brings out--->Guy REALLY knows now that he's better off staying gone
Happens all the time.
If that's what he's thinking, then no, he won't come back.
Other times a man leaves even when he was originally in the wrong b/c during the "space" phase, he sees an ugly side of you that he didn't see before. Whereas he might've been at home beating himself up for messing up at 1st, his attention is now on all the crazy things you're doing/saying.
And when 2 people split or take time apart, that's when all the reflecting is done. If you're showing him sides of you that he realizes he may not want to deal with in the future, then he'll make the decision that leaving you alone is for the best for you BOTH, & he'll leave you alone as a favor to himself & to you
This happens all the time. The guy messes up---> The guy starts feeling like crap for his actions--->The woman overreacts & starts acting crazy--->The guy no longer sees the woman as someone he should win back, but instead someone he should stay away from---->Guy realizes that you have too much baggage, but wouldn't have realized that had there not been some "space"--->Guy starts to feel grateful that he walked away as opposed to being remorseful--->Guy makes final decision to let go--->Girl can't handle the distance even though she pushed him away--->Guy gets further annoyed & turned off b/c the longer he ignores her, the more of her ugly side she brings out--->Guy REALLY knows now that he's better off staying gone
Happens all the time.
Yea of course people come back. Anything is possible. But i guess what you do about it is what really ends up mattering.
@ Watercup. Thank you. I am chilling out although I'm embarrassed that I got so worried about it. I understand now that it's just their way and the weird thing is that I feel like I can do that for him now and let him have that time. Ugh! It's so frustrating knowing I would never have done that before and why do it with the one who really matters? lol Oh well, that's life I guess.
@ P-Angel. Thanks for your comment. Actually, no there isn't anything else. I was truthful. That was the situation, but he does have other stuff going on in his life and my brother reminded me today that it most likely is just him dealing with the other stuff.
@ krysrenee, actually the emails were really nice, more along the lines of asking him to come back (really embarrassed to admit) but I did send one where I told him I felt he disrespected me and I think I was too harsh in that one. I sent another explaining it and apologizing. I know what you mean by ego and to a degree yeh, it is, but not as in 'how dare he!' more like as in I dont want to lose him and I wanted to try and fix it, but of course I can't. It's not up to me.
Sigh...I feel like an idiot. I just wish I hadn't emailed at all. I was right to ask for the truth, I just panicked. I do forgive him. It wasn't that bad and I would not have been mad at him. I just wanted to show him he could be honest with me. I know now that it takes time. Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it. I will wait and see what happens. Thanks again.
@ P-Angel. Thanks for your comment. Actually, no there isn't anything else. I was truthful. That was the situation, but he does have other stuff going on in his life and my brother reminded me today that it most likely is just him dealing with the other stuff.
@ krysrenee, actually the emails were really nice, more along the lines of asking him to come back (really embarrassed to admit) but I did send one where I told him I felt he disrespected me and I think I was too harsh in that one. I sent another explaining it and apologizing. I know what you mean by ego and to a degree yeh, it is, but not as in 'how dare he!' more like as in I dont want to lose him and I wanted to try and fix it, but of course I can't. It's not up to me.
Sigh...I feel like an idiot. I just wish I hadn't emailed at all. I was right to ask for the truth, I just panicked. I do forgive him. It wasn't that bad and I would not have been mad at him. I just wanted to show him he could be honest with me. I know now that it takes time. Thanks for your replies. I appreciate it. I will wait and see what happens. Thanks again.
Posted by beautifulmountain
I messed up big time. He did something and lied to me. I asked for the truth. He disappeared.
What normal person wouldn't be upset by this?
Anyway-- if you said things you shouldn't have, then apologize for those things, with NO "buts" or excuses.
Don't look for a response, and don't ask for one-- no strings attached.
Keep it simple-- you'll feel so much better.
🙂
Okay... I took your advice and sent one more message. Now I'm going to do my thing and let him do his and see what happens. Thank you so much. You really helped a lot *big hugs*
The hardest part is not having any expectations after you've done your part
The problem is that if they don't meet your expectations, you're more likely to just say/do something that even further pushes them away
Self control & mind control is the right way to go =)
The problem is that if they don't meet your expectations, you're more likely to just say/do something that even further pushes them away
Self control & mind control is the right way to go =)
Just wanted to update...
He never came back and I doubt he will. I just discovered he has posted a profile on a dating site. He never bothered to tell me it's over, although I figured.
I'm ok but some days are hard. I found out he's been flirting with other girls the whole time we were together and cheated on me. He also lied to me about many things and it seems like his so-called love for me was not really that at all. The way this guy could profess love like it's the deepest and most meaningful thing in the world, but it was lies...all lies. You know what makes me so mad is that somewhere deep down, I had doubts and should've trusted those, but he was always able to say enough to make me trust him instead.
I just can't understand why someone would bother for years to put up a front like that except that he did not want to be the bad guy. I've never understood that. If things were not good, I would have tried everything I could to rekindle what we had and when that failed, end it as kindly as I could so that he could be with someone who could love him. So much time wasted. Most days I'm fine. I'm better off without him and I know it. Right at this moment though, I find it weird that even with that thought in my head, I still cry. I'm mad at myself because I now see so many signs that I ignored because he would talk me around into believing him and I let him because I was in love with him. It's an old story, I know and one so many people go through, but I hate that I still have feelings for him even though I know that will settle down in time.
Such a horrible feeling. So glad things do get better after a while and I just hold onto that and this will help me to remember to be more careful and take notice of actions and not words.
He never came back and I doubt he will. I just discovered he has posted a profile on a dating site. He never bothered to tell me it's over, although I figured.
I'm ok but some days are hard. I found out he's been flirting with other girls the whole time we were together and cheated on me. He also lied to me about many things and it seems like his so-called love for me was not really that at all. The way this guy could profess love like it's the deepest and most meaningful thing in the world, but it was lies...all lies. You know what makes me so mad is that somewhere deep down, I had doubts and should've trusted those, but he was always able to say enough to make me trust him instead.
I just can't understand why someone would bother for years to put up a front like that except that he did not want to be the bad guy. I've never understood that. If things were not good, I would have tried everything I could to rekindle what we had and when that failed, end it as kindly as I could so that he could be with someone who could love him. So much time wasted. Most days I'm fine. I'm better off without him and I know it. Right at this moment though, I find it weird that even with that thought in my head, I still cry. I'm mad at myself because I now see so many signs that I ignored because he would talk me around into believing him and I let him because I was in love with him. It's an old story, I know and one so many people go through, but I hate that I still have feelings for him even though I know that will settle down in time.
Such a horrible feeling. So glad things do get better after a while and I just hold onto that and this will help me to remember to be more careful and take notice of actions and not words.
This is 1 of those situations where you say, "Lesson learned. But now I'm moving on."
This isn't a time to beat up on yourself, blame yourself for HIS behavior, trying logically making sense out of nonsense, convincing yourself that you changing would've changed him or the outcome or to feel any regrets. This is a time to say, you know what, next time I will be more cautious & will def. follow my gut!
Secondly, yes some people will look you straight in the face & lie to you. Some people are able to keep these fake personas for a short while, while others can AND will keep it going for many years or at least until they are caught & have no other option but to take off the mask.
Yes some people will absolutely lie to you, cheat on you, betray you, waste your time for many months/years, & take everything you've got w/o so much as an inch of guilt after doing it. It sucks & of course no one "wants" to believe that there are people in the world like this, BUT the truth is, there are!
Yes this hurts! Why wouldn't' it?! Just b/c he may not have loved you as deeply or at all doesn't change the fact that you absolutely did love him & that you absolutely were invested. If anything, it hurts even more to find out that you were up in the clouds by yourself, when you thought that you 2 were up there together, this whole time!
Of course you're gonna cry, feel hurt & feel like exploding. It's not so much that you're grieving the loss of him as a person, but maybe moreso that you're grieving the loss of who you THOUGHT/WISHED he was!
Stay strong! As much as you may not want to, please endure these emotions so that you can begin to heal now as opposed to later! Find a distraction. Lean on family/friends for support. Do whatever it will take to restore your confidence & help you to focus more on what you learned from the relationship vs. obsessing on the who, what, when, where & why b/c there are some things that you'll never figure out or understand. And healing begins when you can accept that!
Good luck =)
This isn't a time to beat up on yourself, blame yourself for HIS behavior, trying logically making sense out of nonsense, convincing yourself that you changing would've changed him or the outcome or to feel any regrets. This is a time to say, you know what, next time I will be more cautious & will def. follow my gut!
Secondly, yes some people will look you straight in the face & lie to you. Some people are able to keep these fake personas for a short while, while others can AND will keep it going for many years or at least until they are caught & have no other option but to take off the mask.
Yes some people will absolutely lie to you, cheat on you, betray you, waste your time for many months/years, & take everything you've got w/o so much as an inch of guilt after doing it. It sucks & of course no one "wants" to believe that there are people in the world like this, BUT the truth is, there are!
Yes this hurts! Why wouldn't' it?! Just b/c he may not have loved you as deeply or at all doesn't change the fact that you absolutely did love him & that you absolutely were invested. If anything, it hurts even more to find out that you were up in the clouds by yourself, when you thought that you 2 were up there together, this whole time!
Of course you're gonna cry, feel hurt & feel like exploding. It's not so much that you're grieving the loss of him as a person, but maybe moreso that you're grieving the loss of who you THOUGHT/WISHED he was!
Stay strong! As much as you may not want to, please endure these emotions so that you can begin to heal now as opposed to later! Find a distraction. Lean on family/friends for support. Do whatever it will take to restore your confidence & help you to focus more on what you learned from the relationship vs. obsessing on the who, what, when, where & why b/c there are some things that you'll never figure out or understand. And healing begins when you can accept that!
Good luck =)
Thank you krystenee7 *hug*
If I ever have messed up and he come back I would not take him back.
I'd be thankful for him not being in my life, gives me my life back and I can do what I want then without him in it.
mfwb55.. you're wiser than me. Most of the time I'm fine, but every now and then, I kind of hope, then mentally slap myself...really hard =/
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