Rosepetals
@Rosepetals
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 189 · Topics: 8
Hearing the 'Just want to be friends' response
... His response was that he wrote that because he was sensing loss all around him and was desperately trying to hang on.
Bottom line: I was upfront and expressed to him that what I was looking for was our communication and what has been going on, to eventually and slowly lead to a relationship. He repeatedly said he like things the way they are and can't give to anyone with all that's going on with him. He vulnerable made it clear he wants me in his life as how it's been the past few months and said he isn't looking for anyone, but to get himself together and heal. He seemed worried and afraid that I would cut him out of my life and also threw in a few other confusing statements:
- Me: "So why hold onto someone when you don't want a relationship?"
Him: "I don't know how to let go of someone who knows me the most and deepest who I've shared so much with...Letting go would be throwing away everything I've invested in...Just all gone"
- "I'm a mess and don't want to hurt anyone"
- Me: "So what I'm understanding is that there won't be a You and I in a relationship?"
Him: "Yes, you're hearing me, I don't want a relationship at all, at least not now... I like things the way they
have been"
Throughout the conversation:
- "I finally found you"
-"You're so deep inside me, inside my heart... It's like we've always known each other"
Endearingly calling me 'honey' and responding with 'I love you too'.
I told him I had to make a decision whether or not I could just be friends with him and would think about it and call him later this week. I'm still confused with his actions.
My questions are:
1. Do I believe him in his excuse of why he can't be in a relationship or is it a cop out excuse of not wanting Me and letting me down gently?
2. He said communicating has been healing and that I give him hope - Is he keeping me in his life and as his friend because it's easier to heal and move on from me that way?
3. Does he want me in his life as his friend because it's comforting but in reality he's keeping his options open for someone else to come along that he'll commit to?
OR
4. Is he interested, but scared and really just wants to focus on getting himself together?
Overall concern: Will being a supportive friend lead to a relationship?
Thanks so much for anyone reading and advise given!
Bottom line: I was upfront and expressed to him that what I was looking for was our communication and what has been going on, to eventually and slowly lead to a relationship. He repeatedly said he like things the way they are and can't give to anyone with all that's going on with him. He vulnerable made it clear he wants me in his life as how it's been the past few months and said he isn't looking for anyone, but to get himself together and heal. He seemed worried and afraid that I would cut him out of my life and also threw in a few other confusing statements:
- Me: "So why hold onto someone when you don't want a relationship?"
Him: "I don't know how to let go of someone who knows me the most and deepest who I've shared so much with...Letting go would be throwing away everything I've invested in...Just all gone"
- "I'm a mess and don't want to hurt anyone"
- Me: "So what I'm understanding is that there won't be a You and I in a relationship?"
Him: "Yes, you're hearing me, I don't want a relationship at all, at least not now... I like things the way they
have been"
Throughout the conversation:
- "I finally found you"
-"You're so deep inside me, inside my heart... It's like we've always known each other"
Endearingly calling me 'honey' and responding with 'I love you too'.
I told him I had to make a decision whether or not I could just be friends with him and would think about it and call him later this week. I'm still confused with his actions.
My questions are:
1. Do I believe him in his excuse of why he can't be in a relationship or is it a cop out excuse of not wanting Me and letting me down gently?
2. He said communicating has been healing and that I give him hope - Is he keeping me in his life and as his friend because it's easier to heal and move on from me that way?
3. Does he want me in his life as his friend because it's comforting but in reality he's keeping his options open for someone else to come along that he'll commit to?
OR
4. Is he interested, but scared and really just wants to focus on getting himself together?
Overall concern: Will being a supportive friend lead to a relationship?
Thanks so much for anyone reading and advise given!
Thank you for reading JangNara!
No, he said he doesn't want to date anyone else, that his head isn't even there. I expressed to him my fears of continuing on with friendship while I still love him (I know he loves me as well), and then the possibility of him eventually meeting someone else and my heart being broken. He said he doesn't see that happening.
No, he said he doesn't want to date anyone else, that his head isn't even there. I expressed to him my fears of continuing on with friendship while I still love him (I know he loves me as well), and then the possibility of him eventually meeting someone else and my heart being broken. He said he doesn't see that happening.
1. Don't be selfish. If he's not ready to re-enter a relationship with you again, don't pressure him to or take it personal. He's right, he has no business dragging you & everybody else down with him. He needs to be alone until he feels like a man again.
2. Have a talk with him. Explain to him that if he just wants to be friends, that's fine. BUT he needs to stop contacting you & engaging in things with you as if you 2 were still together OR as if you guys were working towards getting back together, b/c it just confuses you & gives you mixed signals.
3. He very well may be jealous when he hears about you with other guys. That's normal. Just b/c he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean that his emotions for you turned off like a light switch.
4. Put yourself in his shoes. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't want to be hearing about other women either, even if you still weren't ready to get back with him. One thing's for sure, him picturing you with other men is NOT helping your case in him wanting to get back with you.
5. See the big picture. You know deep down that he's serious about getting himself together before he commits to you again, so stop entertaining & falling for all the minor times when he says sweet nothings in your ear or goes back to acting like your man again. He may mean everything he's saying, BUT he's not in a position to put any actions in those words. So you've gotta do your part & stop trying to break every thing/word that he says/done down to hear what you wanna hear or to give yourself hope. He's NOT ready yet. He may not be for a long time.
6. Make him understand that since you 2 aren't together that it's technically none of his business who else you're dating right now. He's no longer your man so he shouldn't have any opinion or any lee way on who you're dating now. It wouldn't be fair for him to still expect you to be faithful/loyal to him NOR is it fair for him to expect you to "wait" on him forever.
2. Have a talk with him. Explain to him that if he just wants to be friends, that's fine. BUT he needs to stop contacting you & engaging in things with you as if you 2 were still together OR as if you guys were working towards getting back together, b/c it just confuses you & gives you mixed signals.
3. He very well may be jealous when he hears about you with other guys. That's normal. Just b/c he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean that his emotions for you turned off like a light switch.
4. Put yourself in his shoes. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't want to be hearing about other women either, even if you still weren't ready to get back with him. One thing's for sure, him picturing you with other men is NOT helping your case in him wanting to get back with you.
5. See the big picture. You know deep down that he's serious about getting himself together before he commits to you again, so stop entertaining & falling for all the minor times when he says sweet nothings in your ear or goes back to acting like your man again. He may mean everything he's saying, BUT he's not in a position to put any actions in those words. So you've gotta do your part & stop trying to break every thing/word that he says/done down to hear what you wanna hear or to give yourself hope. He's NOT ready yet. He may not be for a long time.
6. Make him understand that since you 2 aren't together that it's technically none of his business who else you're dating right now. He's no longer your man so he shouldn't have any opinion or any lee way on who you're dating now. It wouldn't be fair for him to still expect you to be faithful/loyal to him NOR is it fair for him to expect you to "wait" on him forever.
Thank you so much everyone for your advise!🙂
Posted by krysrenee7
1. Don't be selfish. If he's not ready to re-enter a relationship with you again, don't pressure him to or take it personal. He's right, he has no business dragging you & everybody else down with him. He needs to be alone until he feels like a man again.
2. Have a talk with him. Explain to him that if he just wants to be friends, that's fine. BUT he needs to stop contacting you & engaging in things with you as if you 2 were still together OR as if you guys were working towards getting back together, b/c it just confuses you & gives you mixed signals.
3. He very well may be jealous when he hears about you with other guys. That's normal. Just b/c he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean that his emotions for you turned off like a light switch.
4. Put yourself in his shoes. If the tables were turned, you wouldn't want to be hearing about other women either, even if you still weren't ready to get back with him. One thing's for sure, him picturing you with other men is NOT helping your case in him wanting to get back with you.
5. See the big picture. You know deep down that he's serious about getting himself together before he commits to you again, so stop entertaining & falling for all the minor times when he says sweet nothings in your ear or goes back to acting like your man again. He may mean everything he's saying, BUT he's not in a position to put any actions in those words. So you've gotta do your part & stop trying to break every thing/word that he says/done down to hear what you wanna hear or to give yourself hope. He's NOT ready yet. He may not be for a long time.
6. Make him understand that since you 2 aren't together that it's technically none of his business who else you're dating right now. He's no longer your man so he shouldn't have any opinion or any lee way on who you're dating now. It wouldn't be fair for him to still expect you to be faithful/loyal to him NOR is it fair for him to expect you to "wait" on him forever.
Thank you krysrenee! I hear what you are saying. He kept saying he's a mess over and over and was on an emotional roller coaster ride when we spoke. Apart of me felt selfish for even suggesting a relationship, as he clearly has A LOT on his plate, and A LOT of healing to do. He seemed emotionally drained. Yet, I couldn't help going there with all the mixed signals that had taken place for months.
........ Half my message got cut off.
Krysrenee: Out of fear and getting emotionally attached, I felt I had the right to know if our communication was EVENTUALLY leading to something more/if he had that on his mind in the future. If so, I would continue to communicate with him and give him all the space he needs.
One thing I have heard/read a lot is regardless of how much a man has going on in his life, if he really wants to be with you, he will be with you regardless. Does this apply to my situation as well?
And to clarify the jealousy/men thing - I am not dating anyone and he knows this. The other guy I had mentioned is strictly a friend of the past 10 years.
Krysrenee: Out of fear and getting emotionally attached, I felt I had the right to know if our communication was EVENTUALLY leading to something more/if he had that on his mind in the future. If so, I would continue to communicate with him and give him all the space he needs.
One thing I have heard/read a lot is regardless of how much a man has going on in his life, if he really wants to be with you, he will be with you regardless. Does this apply to my situation as well?
And to clarify the jealousy/men thing - I am not dating anyone and he knows this. The other guy I had mentioned is strictly a friend of the past 10 years.
Posted by JangNara
Overall concern: Will being a supportive friend lead to a relationship?
I strongly believe it will. But this one is a very tough situation because you do have expectations. You have to lower down your expectations a bit to be able to work things out with him by being "a supportive, sincere friend". He's been very honest with you. People can assume that this is just an excuse and you can also assume that it is - well in fact it is.
That excuse was his reason for not staying within the boundaries of your relationship - that means he needs some room to be able to breathe so he can live again. If he told you that you give him hope, understand that he is "atleast trying". He's been very communicative to you and very expressive of what he truly feel and this is something good. Compare to other men who will encourage you to just leave him, without even trying to help you understand the situation, without even trying to value you and just let it be by getting on with your own lives separately.
He need some tough love. Can you give him that? Can you lower your expectations? Can you adapt to these drastic changes in your relationship? Are you strong enough to endure the pain if one of you will end up with somebody else (both of you will drift apart)?
JangNara - Thank you so much for commenting.... I am a little confused in understanding what you mean however lol.
If he has been honest with me, how is it an excuse at the same time? And what do you mean by 'that excuse was his reason for not staying within the boundaries...' and him needing room to breath? - I never chase him. He initiates all almost all of the communication! And I'm not understanding you in him 'needing though love' - how and why would I give him that if I settle for friendship?
Posted by JangNara
Perhaps the reason why he wanted both of you to just stay friends "for now" is because he can't be held responsible for all your hurts.
Can you elaborate a little more on this?
He did say that he was very low and that I was doing very well and that he didn't want to hurt me.
Posted by Freetobe007
I'm sorry about your situation. I know that the only thing worse than losing someone is sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them 😢
It sounds like you're just digging for possibilities to contradict what he says because deep down, you want him. I know it's hard, but you gotta let it go. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you because he's not with you when you've offered yourself to him. So for you to keep hanging on when you should be letting go is just going to make it that much harder to go through
Thank you for commenting.
I had let go, awhile ago. He has been initiating things and communicating with me the past five months. And no, I'm not 'digging for possibilities to contradict what he says'... Anyone on the recieving end of his actions and letters for the past five months would be feeling that the other person wants to be with them. I just recently layed it out there and asked him if our communication was going somewhere because He dodged a few comments I made about hanging out.
He said he like things the way they are and didn't want a relationship at all at least now because of everything he was contending with - This is where the confusion pops up, when the mixed signals are given, otherwise I would not be going there with him or any other man.
I'm a Pisces, he is a Cancer!
Posted by ellessque
weird. you guys should match nicely.
Lol, so I've heard... And we do in many many ways - are totally bonded, but he has tons of issues from past trauma and I'm not sure if it's actually that coming into play and him actually needing healing from it (which he does for sure), or if he's using it as an excuse to let me down gently(?).
Posted by DazedScorp
I just want to throw this around a bit because I have both used it, and most recently heard it from an ex.
"I just want to be friends. I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
I used this with the Lib I hooked up with a couple times. Started dating the Aries not a week later, for almost a year.
When I heard it, It was after I hooked up with the ex, and the whole orgy thing. Not a week later, she's dating some other guy.
My advice is to just simply walk away from the friendship if you're unable to make it just that, a friendship.
You can't have any expectations, and you have to cut the emotional talk.
DazedScorp - I hear you, thank you. I have used it on my ex before this one. Was a complete mess then and told the other guy who wanted to get back with me that I wasn't looking for a relationship and that I was a mess, a few weeks later I was back with Cancer guy. The problem is, Cancer guy really is having tons of issues right now and swears up and down that he's speaking from his heart with what he's telling me. I know he's unstable right now as he was on an emotional roller coaster ride with emotions of pain/tears/anxiety/and laughter as we spoke over the phone. BUT - I'm not sure if he would put all his issues aside if he REALLY wanted me.
Wineaux thank you for sharing and your input given! 🙂
I'm not sure if my intuition is fear, or if fear is clouding it. Whether or not he is using this as an excuse and does end up with someone else a few weeks/months from now... I believe he has a lot of healing to do first. I would be willing to work with him/be patient and supportive IF I knew deep down he felt/desired us heading towards a relationship. Otherwise, I'm a bit afraid of having it not go anywhere when I still deeply love him.
I spoke to several friends of mine (male and female) who know of the situation in depth, and went and saw a psychic who I've seen in the past. They all suprisingly have felt the following:
-He's depressed and has been through a lot in his life (even most recently), and what he needs right now is to find himself and heal.
-That he needs a friend.
-That it's not a phoney excuse - he really needs to breath and get himself together.
-That he's worth investing in because we've done a lot of investing in each other, as well as - he's a great guy.
-That he's not using me in any way.
The psychic told me:
-That he truly does love me.
-There is no other woman in the picture.
-I'm a stability for him.
-She sensed he was an emotional mess right now.
-She said it was a cop out excuse, but he was tellng me the truth because he feels he'll hurt me emotionally and doesn't want to. (which is what he kept saying)
-She said he wasn't telling me all of this to 'let me down gently'.
-That the time for now is to strictly be a friend to him and nothing more, and if he tried swaying, to again give him nothing more than what he asked for - friendship.
-She said there would be a complete shift in what he wants with me in either 2 days/weeks/months.
-And also said that we have a chance of fully being together once a certain thing from his end (I cannot mention on the board) takes place.
Guess I'll see if her predictions come about.... I'm still in thought - was suppose to call him this week, but was told by the psychic to prolong it and allow him to think, which is what I wanted to do anyway - give him space.
I'm not sure if my intuition is fear, or if fear is clouding it. Whether or not he is using this as an excuse and does end up with someone else a few weeks/months from now... I believe he has a lot of healing to do first. I would be willing to work with him/be patient and supportive IF I knew deep down he felt/desired us heading towards a relationship. Otherwise, I'm a bit afraid of having it not go anywhere when I still deeply love him.
I spoke to several friends of mine (male and female) who know of the situation in depth, and went and saw a psychic who I've seen in the past. They all suprisingly have felt the following:
-He's depressed and has been through a lot in his life (even most recently), and what he needs right now is to find himself and heal.
-That he needs a friend.
-That it's not a phoney excuse - he really needs to breath and get himself together.
-That he's worth investing in because we've done a lot of investing in each other, as well as - he's a great guy.
-That he's not using me in any way.
The psychic told me:
-That he truly does love me.
-There is no other woman in the picture.
-I'm a stability for him.
-She sensed he was an emotional mess right now.
-She said it was a cop out excuse, but he was tellng me the truth because he feels he'll hurt me emotionally and doesn't want to. (which is what he kept saying)
-She said he wasn't telling me all of this to 'let me down gently'.
-That the time for now is to strictly be a friend to him and nothing more, and if he tried swaying, to again give him nothing more than what he asked for - friendship.
-She said there would be a complete shift in what he wants with me in either 2 days/weeks/months.
-And also said that we have a chance of fully being together once a certain thing from his end (I cannot mention on the board) takes place.
Guess I'll see if her predictions come about.... I'm still in thought - was suppose to call him this week, but was told by the psychic to prolong it and allow him to think, which is what I wanted to do anyway - give him space.
Does anyone know what happened to JangNara's comments she left on this thread— I read her great comments I wanted to save and reply to earlier today at work, but noticed she disappeared completely from this thread!!!
Wineaux: I also wanted to mention - when I brought up the 'where is our communication going' conversation, his response was 'I like things the way they have been between us'... He felt very threatened as though I was going to give him an ultimatum or go date someone else and kick him out of my life (as he said). He sounded threatened and clingy in keeping me in his life - definately not walking away.
@RosePetals: I get that initially things were confusing. BUT now you know. Now you know that he's sending you mixed signals & that his words aren't necessarily being matched with actions. So now there's NO more justifications or reasons for why you're still entertaining it, playing into it or believing it.
Once YOU know, that changes things.
Take some of the control back. Realize that you have some personal power in this too. You don't have to stick around just b/c he's technically confusing you. You know the deal already so do what you've gotta do, instead of waiting on him to take the lead & steer the situation
It's understandable that you expected and deserved a sense of wanting to know where things were going "just in case" BUT in your case, knowing his every feeling/move won't help or change anything since there are NO actions attached to his words.
And yes, it's part way true that when a man REALLY wants you, he'll make room for you on his plate & do what he's gotta do to make sure he doesn't lose a good thing.
The part that everybody is missing is that the only men who have the courage & will power to do this are men who are emotionally available. You can't expect a man whose emotionally unavailable to react/work in the same ways the way a man who is emotionally available would. THAT is the difference.
So for that I don't blaim him. Sure, it sucks for you b/c his baggage is stopping you 2 from having/being something beautiful. BUT at the same time, don't people ALSO always say that 2 people shouldn't even try committment unless BOTH (not just 1 person) have 1st gotten themselves together, ridden themselves of atleast MOST of their baggage, etc?
So don't take his baggage so personal. But then again take it personal so that it'll help you to remember not to put all your eggs in his basket & wait on him
Once YOU know, that changes things.
Take some of the control back. Realize that you have some personal power in this too. You don't have to stick around just b/c he's technically confusing you. You know the deal already so do what you've gotta do, instead of waiting on him to take the lead & steer the situation
It's understandable that you expected and deserved a sense of wanting to know where things were going "just in case" BUT in your case, knowing his every feeling/move won't help or change anything since there are NO actions attached to his words.
And yes, it's part way true that when a man REALLY wants you, he'll make room for you on his plate & do what he's gotta do to make sure he doesn't lose a good thing.
The part that everybody is missing is that the only men who have the courage & will power to do this are men who are emotionally available. You can't expect a man whose emotionally unavailable to react/work in the same ways the way a man who is emotionally available would. THAT is the difference.
So for that I don't blaim him. Sure, it sucks for you b/c his baggage is stopping you 2 from having/being something beautiful. BUT at the same time, don't people ALSO always say that 2 people shouldn't even try committment unless BOTH (not just 1 person) have 1st gotten themselves together, ridden themselves of atleast MOST of their baggage, etc?
So don't take his baggage so personal. But then again take it personal so that it'll help you to remember not to put all your eggs in his basket & wait on him
Posted by krysrenee7
And yes, it's part way true that when a man REALLY wants you, he'll make room for you on his plate & do what he's gotta do to make sure he doesn't lose a good thing.
The part that everybody is missing is that the only men who have the courage & will power to do this are men who are emotionally available. You can't expect a man whose emotionally unavailable to react/work in the same ways the way a man who is emotionally available would. THAT is the difference.
So for that I don't blaim him. Sure, it sucks for you b/c his baggage is stopping you 2 from having/being something beautiful. BUT at the same time, don't people ALSO always say that 2 people shouldn't even try committment unless BOTH (not just 1 person) have 1st gotten themselves together, ridden themselves of atleast MOST of their baggage, etc?
So don't take his baggage so personal. But then again take it personal so that it'll help you to remember not to put all your eggs in his basket & wait on him
Thank you so much for your words - I wouldn't have to question any of this if I saw him face to face - his eyes speak volumes.(We live a couple hours long distance... Nothing I'm concerned about as I would want to live in the same town as him IF we were headed towards being together)...
But YES, he has sounded emotionally exhausted the past several times we've spoken and desperately said he wished everyone (friends and family) could understand that he's drained and just needs time alone.
I will reread all the comments here to help me come to a firm desicion - thank you! 🙂
@Rosepetals: Good for you! I hope you come out of this situation a winner
This is the part where most women either mess up & lose out on the man completely OR end up riding off into the sunset with him later on down the road.
This is the part where the man tells a woman with the uttmost honesty his true feelings about not being ready for a committment. The woman can either listen, respect that back off, & if she loves him, take the chance that when he gets himself together that he'll come right back to her as a better man.
OR she will purposely over analyze/complicate his words b/c she's not ready to put her feelings/selfishness to the side & hear out what he's really saying. Women who choose this option usually end up draining the man even more, thus he ends up losing all the spark for her. And by the time he finally IS ready to a committment, she's not even on his list of potentials anymore b/c he'll never forget that she didn't respect his need to become a better man by himself & w/o all the pressure & extra expectations from others
It's up to you which kind of woman you'll be. It's hard as hell, especially when you love someone & when you just wish you could wave a magic wand & make all their problems go away
But a part of loving someone involves being able to step outside of your own feelings & do what's best for the other person AND the entire situation in the long run. And sometimes what's "best" involves letting go..not forever...but atleast for right now
This is the part where most women either mess up & lose out on the man completely OR end up riding off into the sunset with him later on down the road.
This is the part where the man tells a woman with the uttmost honesty his true feelings about not being ready for a committment. The woman can either listen, respect that back off, & if she loves him, take the chance that when he gets himself together that he'll come right back to her as a better man.
OR she will purposely over analyze/complicate his words b/c she's not ready to put her feelings/selfishness to the side & hear out what he's really saying. Women who choose this option usually end up draining the man even more, thus he ends up losing all the spark for her. And by the time he finally IS ready to a committment, she's not even on his list of potentials anymore b/c he'll never forget that she didn't respect his need to become a better man by himself & w/o all the pressure & extra expectations from others
It's up to you which kind of woman you'll be. It's hard as hell, especially when you love someone & when you just wish you could wave a magic wand & make all their problems go away
But a part of loving someone involves being able to step outside of your own feelings & do what's best for the other person AND the entire situation in the long run. And sometimes what's "best" involves letting go..not forever...but atleast for right now
Posted by Rosepetals
...
Overall concern: Will being a supportive friend lead to a relationship?
Thanks so much for anyone reading and advise given!
I was curious to see what our experts thought of this?
Does being a supportive friend run the risk of her being pigeon-holed as a "friend" as opposed to 'prospective girlfriend material' (or whatever it is called in guyspeak)when and if he gets his shit together. And if she is still single when and if that happens.
Hey guys, haven't been on here for awhile and just noticed all your comments! Thank you!
UPDATE: Since putting up this post, Cancer guy has been doing better emotionally and we, have been communicating often over the phone. He has been acting like a boyfriend. He had been making a lot of effort with me, as well as wanting to built back our trust. All of this would make sense and be wonderful if that is where we were headed, a relationship.
Well, I brought up the subject again, as he has lead it towards relationsip status again especially with certain discussions he had with me. I layed it out and explained to him that I couldn't do the friendship anymore as I loved him too much. I explained I didn't see him as simply a friend, didn't want that title as it was too risky, but was willing to give himself and myself space and time to focus on certain things we have going on and would eventually love to slowly have what we once had.
He, on the other hand, has told me a lot within the past two months of how he loves me and how deep inside of him I am, and I completely believe him with my whole being, just don't understand why we keep coming to this conclusion even though he totally acts like a good boyfriend would.
After this ^^^ discussion today, I ended it, letting him know it would be best we stop communicating as there is no point building trust if it never goes anywhere. He stated "How can you just forget someone who you've loved so deeply and have had such intimatecy with?" I responded with "If the relationship is over, why hang on?!" I told him nicely it would be best to not contact each other what so ever and as I was wishing him well, he started crying for the next what seems like 10 mins. He sounded like he was in such deep trumoil. He said he was crying because he loves me, his hearts beaking and that he feels like he's losing everyone. Then he said he remembers us in the beginning and all the happy times and it was hurting him because he had hope. I tried calming him down after telling him he was confusing me. Also told him this wasn't my choice. I wished him well and got off the phone.
SOOOOO CONFUSED!!! Will someone PLEASE help me out with what just took place here. It sounded like I was breaking up with him when HE is the one who doesn't want us!!!
UPDATE: Since putting up this post, Cancer guy has been doing better emotionally and we, have been communicating often over the phone. He has been acting like a boyfriend. He had been making a lot of effort with me, as well as wanting to built back our trust. All of this would make sense and be wonderful if that is where we were headed, a relationship.
Well, I brought up the subject again, as he has lead it towards relationsip status again especially with certain discussions he had with me. I layed it out and explained to him that I couldn't do the friendship anymore as I loved him too much. I explained I didn't see him as simply a friend, didn't want that title as it was too risky, but was willing to give himself and myself space and time to focus on certain things we have going on and would eventually love to slowly have what we once had.
He, on the other hand, has told me a lot within the past two months of how he loves me and how deep inside of him I am, and I completely believe him with my whole being, just don't understand why we keep coming to this conclusion even though he totally acts like a good boyfriend would.
After this ^^^ discussion today, I ended it, letting him know it would be best we stop communicating as there is no point building trust if it never goes anywhere. He stated "How can you just forget someone who you've loved so deeply and have had such intimatecy with?" I responded with "If the relationship is over, why hang on?!" I told him nicely it would be best to not contact each other what so ever and as I was wishing him well, he started crying for the next what seems like 10 mins. He sounded like he was in such deep trumoil. He said he was crying because he loves me, his hearts beaking and that he feels like he's losing everyone. Then he said he remembers us in the beginning and all the happy times and it was hurting him because he had hope. I tried calming him down after telling him he was confusing me. Also told him this wasn't my choice. I wished him well and got off the phone.
SOOOOO CONFUSED!!! Will someone PLEASE help me out with what just took place here. It sounded like I was breaking up with him when HE is the one who doesn't want us!!!
Lady, I know you care about this person..but there comes a point when one ceases to be support and instead becomes a crutch. This is about that time. You cannot keep shoveling yourself into someone who only comes back with a few well turned phrases to reduce you to goo to keep you on that razors edge. If he's not ready, he's not. And no amount of love, care and empathetic warmth and understanding will turn that around. If he's confused, then he needs to sort out his head. Live your life. If you feel it's important tell him you'll be there when he gets his mind right. And if he cannot..by that point you'll hopefully have someone whose heart is just as ready for you, as yours is for them.
@ Letitbe: "Pathetic...knowing what this guy is going through, the letter he sent you and you decide to tell him about humping other men...did I say pathetic? I actually mean unempathetic..look it up. Talk about kicking a dog when it's down. You do not deserve this guy. Grow up and realize when people are at a low spot in their life, a relationship and his explanation of what he's feeling should be a CLUE...you weren't listening. If you don't want to wait around until he's fit to be in a relationship, leave the guy alone and in peace."......
Lol, huh? Did you actually read the thread? I don't believe being fully honest with him about NOT being involved with any men period, and doing an outdoors activity during the day with stirctly male friends of the past 10 years, equates to "humping a guy...." lol. 😉
But thank you, I have done just that (referring to my last comment on this thread), leave both of us in peace. I am sad just simply confused as to why he was crying and so devestated. As though I was breaking up with him when all I want is to be with him.
Lol, huh? Did you actually read the thread? I don't believe being fully honest with him about NOT being involved with any men period, and doing an outdoors activity during the day with stirctly male friends of the past 10 years, equates to "humping a guy...." lol. 😉
But thank you, I have done just that (referring to my last comment on this thread), leave both of us in peace. I am sad just simply confused as to why he was crying and so devestated. As though I was breaking up with him when all I want is to be with him.
Posted by venusianbull
Lady, I know you care about this person..but there comes a point when one ceases to be support and instead becomes a crutch. This is about that time. You cannot keep shoveling yourself into someone who only comes back with a few well turned phrases to reduce you to goo to keep you on that razors edge. If he's not ready, he's not. And no amount of love, care and empathetic warmth and understanding will turn that around. If he's confused, then he needs to sort out his head. Live your life. If you feel it's important tell him you'll be there when he gets his mind right. And if he cannot..by that point you'll hopefully have someone whose heart is just as ready for you, as yours is for them.
So many women need to read and re-read this post! It took me damn near a year to realize this with my ex-Cancer of 4 years who keeps recycling himself back into my life for the past 2 years...It doesn't mean that you don't love him or that you can't support him; but support him where it's comfortable for you NOT putting yourself in an emotionally compromising position. You also have to face the fact that IT MAY NEVER BE and accept that and move on. I used to tell myself how can I move on if I'm still IN LOVE with him. Am I still IN LOVE with him or still IN LOVE with what we once had. You'll never get that back. A lot has obviously changed between the two of you. Take VBs advice and try to move on. First and foremost learn to be happy with yourself.
Posted by venusianbull
Lady, I know you care about this person..but there comes a point when one ceases to be support and instead becomes a crutch. This is about that time. You cannot keep shoveling yourself into someone who only comes back with a few well turned phrases to reduce you to goo to keep you on that razors edge. If he's not ready, he's not. And no amount of love, care and empathetic warmth and understanding will turn that around. If he's confused, then he needs to sort out his head. Live your life. If you feel it's important tell him you'll be there when he gets his mind right. And if he cannot..by that point you'll hopefully have someone whose heart is just as ready for you, as yours is for them.
Thank you! I hear you! I am not there for him all the time as I've made it clear he's got to heal himself. He's been sharing self help books over the phone he's been reading and is going to start a 17 week self help mens program.
LeoGal4Real, thank you it's a great post and I will reread it!
The back and fortheness that took place in the past, I never though we would get over. I realize now a lot from my end that pushed him away, that would have pushed anyone away *when he came back into my life* and the only thing that would take place each time he would come around, is tons of fighting and holding the past against him and blaming him for everything when we had our equal flaws that added to what took place. So, he would say he didn't trust we could have a calm relationship, have normal fights, or that I would stop holding the past against him.
Well, a lot of growing, healing and maturing has taken place from both our ends and I no longer interact that way with him. This has made him feel safer, and has actually made him pretty consistent in his actions for awhile now. He has not been in and out of my life, has been consistently there, emotionally supportive, open, honest, very caring, and wanting to see me (I felt it was too soon).
So, there had been a huge change this time around between us for awhile now.
The back and fortheness that took place in the past, I never though we would get over. I realize now a lot from my end that pushed him away, that would have pushed anyone away *when he came back into my life* and the only thing that would take place each time he would come around, is tons of fighting and holding the past against him and blaming him for everything when we had our equal flaws that added to what took place. So, he would say he didn't trust we could have a calm relationship, have normal fights, or that I would stop holding the past against him.
Well, a lot of growing, healing and maturing has taken place from both our ends and I no longer interact that way with him. This has made him feel safer, and has actually made him pretty consistent in his actions for awhile now. He has not been in and out of my life, has been consistently there, emotionally supportive, open, honest, very caring, and wanting to see me (I felt it was too soon).
So, there had been a huge change this time around between us for awhile now.
Wasis and Venusianbull, thank you again.
A whole lot has gone on in his life that the average person does not go through. My heart compels me to be there for him, especially since we are very connected to one another, more than anyone else in our lives (for both of us).
It doesn't feel good to not be supportive, yet it wouldn't be a genuine friendship as we still deeply love one another. I had expressed this to him, as well as making it clear that I could strictly be a friend if I was fully over him, and or was with another man who wasn't deeply bothered with me being friends with him.
He expressed sadness and anger hearing this, and I still can't get his crying/pain out of my head which adds to the confusion.
He uploaded a few heart break songs last night before deactivating his account. More confusion? Yes!
A whole lot has gone on in his life that the average person does not go through. My heart compels me to be there for him, especially since we are very connected to one another, more than anyone else in our lives (for both of us).
It doesn't feel good to not be supportive, yet it wouldn't be a genuine friendship as we still deeply love one another. I had expressed this to him, as well as making it clear that I could strictly be a friend if I was fully over him, and or was with another man who wasn't deeply bothered with me being friends with him.
He expressed sadness and anger hearing this, and I still can't get his crying/pain out of my head which adds to the confusion.
He uploaded a few heart break songs last night before deactivating his account. More confusion? Yes!
Posted by DazedScorp
I just want to throw this around a bit because I have both used it, and most recently heard it from an ex.
"I just want to be friends. I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
I used this with the Lib I hooked up with a couple times. Started dating the Aries not a week later, for almost a year.
When I heard it, It was after I hooked up with the ex, and the whole orgy thing. Not a week later, she's dating some other guy.
My advice is to just simply walk away from the friendship if you're unable to make it just that, a friendship.
You can't have any expectations, and you have to cut the emotional talk.
Very sound advice! When I heard that from my ex, I found a year later that he was stringing me along while he already had a girlfriend. So why is this "I don't want a relationship. I just want to be single" line used, when you can easily state you are seeing other people? What's up with the dishonesty?
Posted by Let*It*Be
"Lol, huh? Did you actually read the thread? I don't believe being fully honest with him about NOT being involved with any men period, and doing an outdoors activity during the day with stirctly male friends of the past 10 years, equates to "humping a guy...." lol. 😉"
Well..gee...I dunno, the guy has made it clear WHAT he's going through, how he's feeling AND THAT HE IS BY NO MEANS ready for a relationship until he's over this as not to burden you. So you make him feel better by telling him about these guys? What was your brain/heart thinking to throw that in his face? WITH or WITHOUT a hump? Really, share with us WHY you felt a need to throw this in his face and help us to understand.
To clarify, this took place at a time where we hadn't gotten to the point of communicating over the phone and emailing at the same time almost everyday. It was two posts on FB he had made, one regarding his motorcycle he would be working on this Summer and the other, an activity. I did not yet know exactly what he was going through. I made a comment saying "I went on a motorcylce ride to the beach..." He commented saying he didn't want to hear that. I apologized and made it clear it was a particular friend of the past 10 yrs that Cancer guy knows as well (someone I would never in a million years get involved with). The comments made about the two male friends, had been in the picture as my friends while we were in a commited relationship. He also has discussed his female friends at times, so I didn't think it would be a problem.
LetItBe, I am a Pisces too and am torn into two different directions.
I recognize all the effort, change and consistentcy he's been making regardless of the overload he has on his plate and I appreciate it so much. Yet I feel what's the point if We are not going anywhere. What's the point of all of that, him wanting to build a different path for us, built trust if a relationship isn't the end result?
He has healed his arm, has been working again and is really trying to make positive changes in his life. I believe in him. The problem is that we were both getting more attached and it felt like we were In a relationship, so I brought it up again and expressed I couldn't do it and was torn as I wanted to be there for him and appreciated him being there and doing everything thing else he had been, but that all the 'trust building' only made sense to me if we were headed somewhere. I expressed I recognize we both had other things to focus on right now, yet I didn't want the 'friends' title nor was I expecting us to jump into a full on relationship in a snap of a finger at this time, but would like to head towards dating eventually and see where it goes. I sensed hesitence in him for both directions; friendship and more, but ultimately came back to friendship. I said it was best that we stop communicating, building trust and consistentcy because that is what people who are interested in gettting back together do. I wished him well and he broke down crying. I could feel his heartach and could still hear it now.
I asked him why he was in so much pain when it was his choice. He said he remembers us and still had hope.
I recognize all the effort, change and consistentcy he's been making regardless of the overload he has on his plate and I appreciate it so much. Yet I feel what's the point if We are not going anywhere. What's the point of all of that, him wanting to build a different path for us, built trust if a relationship isn't the end result?
He has healed his arm, has been working again and is really trying to make positive changes in his life. I believe in him. The problem is that we were both getting more attached and it felt like we were In a relationship, so I brought it up again and expressed I couldn't do it and was torn as I wanted to be there for him and appreciated him being there and doing everything thing else he had been, but that all the 'trust building' only made sense to me if we were headed somewhere. I expressed I recognize we both had other things to focus on right now, yet I didn't want the 'friends' title nor was I expecting us to jump into a full on relationship in a snap of a finger at this time, but would like to head towards dating eventually and see where it goes. I sensed hesitence in him for both directions; friendship and more, but ultimately came back to friendship. I said it was best that we stop communicating, building trust and consistentcy because that is what people who are interested in gettting back together do. I wished him well and he broke down crying. I could feel his heartach and could still hear it now.
I asked him why he was in so much pain when it was his choice. He said he remembers us and still had hope.
wineaux, Facebook.
Posted by Let*It*Be
Yea it is sound advice, BUT...there's no reason why one wouldn't want to rule it out and be sure first that this is in fact going on right? Assuming would be a big mistake and a weak way to try and justify anything. I know if I was so hung up on someone, I'd get the facts first and make sure I wasn't a second fiddle. Very easy to do.
I agree, but getting the facts first is easier said than done. Most of the people want their cake and eat it too. Why would they confess to you being second fiddle when they know that's going to make the second fiddle run away. They rather lie and string you along. AFter all 2 girls are better than one. lol
Posted by aquarius09Posted by Let*It*Be
Yea it is sound advice, BUT...there's no reason why one wouldn't want to rule it out and be sure first that this is in fact going on right? Assuming would be a big mistake and a weak way to try and justify anything. I know if I was so hung up on someone, I'd get the facts first and make sure I wasn't a second fiddle. Very easy to do.
I agree, but getting the facts first is easier said than done. Most of the people want their cake and eat it too. Why would they confess to you being second fiddle when they know that's going to make the second fiddle run away. They rather lie and string you along. AFter all 2 girls are better than one. lolclick to expand
This is definately not it.
Rosepetals, I think you will be just fine. Your a pisces right? You'll fall in love with another person in two weeks anyway lol jk 😛
But seriously you'll swim on when your ready
But seriously you'll swim on when your ready
Posted by Sagittarius89
Rosepetals, I think you will be just fine. Your a pisces right? You'll fall in love with another person in two weeks anyway lol jk 😛
But seriously you'll swim on when your ready
Thank you! Yes, I'm a Pisces, but that isn't how I work!! 😉 We've loved each other since we met, six years ago... At one point wanted to get married and have children eventually but both our pasts got in the way, and we both needed healing to do. I'm healed and stable, he is going through the process. We both can't put a word on the way we're bonded, and I haven't given myself to anyone pysically/emotionally since our split long ago (besides casually dates hear and there)... Him the same as me.
My heart hurts. I miss my crab so much. My friends suggest I call him up and accept the friends suggestion as it would be a good foundation to built our trust back again, leading to a relationship. They had suggested it was better to do (start out as friends) since we hadn't been together in a long time. Even though I see what they mean, we still had been *with* one another energetically all along, as he himself had consistently confirmed. Yet I feel too much pride in even contacting him nor am not sure if it would be the right thing to do as it would be too risky.
But, I've never bonded with a single person my entire life as I have with him and miss him so much. I still hear him crying as I told him it would be best to end our 5 months of communication and that hurts me, confuses me and makes me feel responsible for what just happened even though I want to be with him. Still so confused to what just happened.
But, I've never bonded with a single person my entire life as I have with him and miss him so much. I still hear him crying as I told him it would be best to end our 5 months of communication and that hurts me, confuses me and makes me feel responsible for what just happened even though I want to be with him. Still so confused to what just happened.
Posted by ellessquePosted by Pandybear
freaking Capricorns w/ their too-big leather jackets and their shiny shoes. makes me wanna punch them.
I have no idea where this came from but I giggled anyway. 😛click to expand
Huh?!?! Lol, just noticed that.
Posted by elihope69
hummm how can i put this without hurting you. HE told you what he wants. to be friends. when a guy says that hes trying to be nice and say hes not romantically into you. I think your just trying to find something to hold onto. men are simple. women over analyze everything. move on.
Did you read the entire thread? Women don't over analyze *everything* and this isn't the average situation. Even though he had said friends the first time around, over two months ago, he continued acting like the man I was commited to and progressively more as a boyfriend. A great amount of effort was coming from him, calling me when I'm sick from launch breaks, then coming home to check on me, calling me right when he gets home from work so we could talk about our past and clear it away (this took place for a while), so we could built trust as HE wanted. This conversations would take place for over four hours!
Why would someone want to do all these uncomfortable things and more that I haven't listed just to *let me down easily* especially after tellng me I have his heart while acting like a boyfriend? And then after all of it cry for like ten mins and say his heart is broken because he remembers us and had hope, right after I decided to end our communication?
Posted by starloverYes, it would be hard to stay friends. It wouldn't be a genuine friendship as what just took place between My Cancer guy and I. It was the same old commited relationship we had in the past that was now taking place, minus anything sexual. I have heard of people staying in touch with their ex's for the same reason also. But Cancer and I were equally giving and taking - the emotional support was even. And he was putting in a lot of effort to *show me he's grown* and to *built trust*. And I believed in him as it was only progressing consistently over time.
My man often says to me he would like to stay friends with me if one of us decided to move on. I tell him i am not sure i could.
The only man i stayed friends with is my ex husband and that is because we have a son and i make the effort for him. I am not sure i could do that with Mr Aries who i am with now....watch him dive in and out of other women and then be there to be his "friend"....no way jose! I have heard of women who stay in touch with their exs only to be used as the man's "counsellor"....feck that for a game of soldiers!
I think if you have been truly in love with someone and the relationship has been infused with passion, unless you are a robot, it would be impossible to just be friends
But then again i am a Scorpio 😄
Good luck lady, hope all turns out well for you, but being a pisces i would say to you be careful of slipping into the role of martyr with this guy....think of your own needs, you deserve it
xlovex
Posted by elihope69
hummm how can i put this without hurting you. HE told you what he wants. to be friends. when a guy says that hes trying to be nice and say hes not romantically into you. I think your just trying to find something to hold onto. men are simple. women over analyze everything. move on.
I agree...
This is the case of I want my cake and I wanna eat it to, meaning I want you in my life and I want all the "BENEFITS" of having you in my life but I want to remain single to pursue someone else romantically, keep my eyes open for a better relationship opportunity or lavish in my single life without having the burden of commitment weighing heavily on my life.
Listening to the poster her situation does seem over analyzed and complicated maybe because she's deeply emotional right now but it's pretty simple, this guy rough shod over the boundaries, asked for friendship and then proceeded to appear to be a boyfriend and the reality is for awhile she accepted it, had she not allowed his behavior day one there would be no confusion.
Ok - he is saying "let's just be friends" but really means "let's just have a root when I feel like it"
I think there would be a lot less hurt feelings in the world if people actually said what they meant.
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