Is it ever ok?

Going through a man's phone or stuff (mail, emails, etc.).....Is there ANY situation you can think of that would justify violating his privacy?

I'm not talking about going through your partner's stuff just for the hell of it. I'm talking about it being ok or not if you truly feel that you might find the truth or answers to what's been killing you inside to know

What if you knew for a fact that you'd find something crazy in his phone & actually did once you went through it. Would you still think what you did was wrong? Would you be glad you broke down & went through it?

For example, what if you had a diehard suspicioun that he was cheating & knew for a fact that the evidence was in his phone. Would you be wrong for looking if it meant you finding the truth & sparing yourself from having a future with a cheater?

Or what if you suspected your partner was involved in some kind of criminal activity & you suspected that they could be communicating that activity through mail. Would you be wrong for looking, if it meant you finding out the truth & potentially saving yourself from authorities that might think you're just as guilty since you associated with them?

You get where I'm going with this!

Is it EVER ok to violate someone's privacy? Or is it 100% not ok no matter what?

Posted by ikers
I personally think it's wrong to do.

Please don't beat yourself up for doing it. I understand really wanting to know something. I'm also sorry if someone is causing you this much distress. Not an easy position.

The way I see it, is you really don't trust this person. You don't need to look at his things to know that the relationship should be over.

Trust is a fragile thing. It is also paramount. In most situations, I don't think it can be rebuilt.

Oh no, I'm not personally in this situation

I heard that North Carolina is trying to pass a law making it illegal for your spouse to go through their phone, emails, etc. w/o their consent

I do believe that for the most part there are always signs that something suspicious is going on BUT that's not always true.

People naturally assume that if a person has been doing you wrong for a long period of time that you as their partner must have had SOME kinda clue long before going through the phone.

Not always. Some people are extremely good at lying, or hiding what they're doing on the side. Not everybody leaves bunches of clues, which is why some women are telling the truth when they claim they had NO idea

Plus, sometimes there are no other "red flags" other than the phone itself! lol

In some situations, that person's phone is just about the only way you'd ever find out the truth! Especially nowadays, people do so much of their dirty work through their phones!

Why do you think our government is so interested in recording our conversations? Why not just have us followed? Well b/c they may not find proof by simply watching you walk down the street everyday, BUT they most likely will find their answers if they tap into the very tool you do your dirty work on: Your phone!

I personally think it's wrong if you're doing it just for the hell of it OR if you know deep down that if you find something you're just gonna b*tch about it, but not leave them

But persay I was about to marry you & the night before the wedding I got that odd inkling every woman's had, that something crazy was in his phone...if it meant me possibly sparing myself from a lifetime of hell, I'd def. look

And if I actually found something crazy, I would be more happy that I found out as opposed to regretful! Now if I looked & didn't find anything, yeah I'd feel like crap lol

I'm an extremely private person. I don't want people going through my things. I'm not hiding anything, it's just nobody's business what I have on my phone, in my purse, my car, or my house.
I also believe the same in reverse. I would never snoop through anyone's belongings.

Posted by tw1nk1e
If you have to check his stuff that means either you have trust issues you need to fix in yourself or you have picked a guy that makes you mistrust him.

Either way, doesn't excuse checking his stuff.

I agree. I think things have already gone south the minute you feel the need to snoop, just like it speaks volumes the minute your partner starts showing signs that they are hiding something from you

However, I have a friend though who went through her husband's phone for the 1st time in 10 years. He had started putting it on vibrate 24-7 & since that was unusual of him, she had that gut feeling that something was going on. When she checked his phone, she didn't find anything, felt really bad & kicked herself for even questioning him. He never found out but she hasn't snooped ever since.

I don't think it's fair though to say that a relationship should end just b/c you have insecurities or b/c you have a bad intuition about your partner.

Simply "suspecting" something doesn't mean, welp if you think it could be happening, leave immediately! What kind of relationship would that be if the smallest thing/suspicion could, without any proof, tear it a part??

The hard part though is that once that intuition kicks in & tells you that something is up, you shouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions b/c you don't know for a fact but then again you shouldn't snoop through their stuff.

So it's like that intuition just sits there & sits there & will eventually drive you insane lol

I don't believe in giving your partner your passwords just for the sake of catering to their insecurities.

If there's a good reason for why they need it or if it's something we should both have access to (like a phone that we share, for example), that's one thing & I wouldn't mind b/c I don't have anything to hide.

But if the only reason my husband wanted to go through my things is to soothe his insecurity, that is
NOT trust.

If that was really trust, then a person would never have to go into your stuff more than once. The kinds of couples who cater to eachother's insecurities by constantly "checking" the other's stuff.....if you notice, it never happens just once. It's a gradual thing & if it continues, then technically that person isn't gaining any trust for you no matter how many times you show them your stuff.

I wouldn't leave my husband if he were to start getting insecure or suspicious, as annoying as that would be, but I also wouldn't give in & cater to an irrational insecurity.

If the only way he'd trust me is to constantly "check," things then I wouldn't allow myself to believe that that is real trust. And if it's not real trust, it's not trust at all. You either trust me completely or you don't.

I feel that trust is 1 of those things that is black & white, no grey area

Posted by starlover
If you feel your partner is doing something wrong..cheating etc
and your gut feeling is telling you that, there is no need to go
through his stuff

Womens' intuition is never wrong

sometimes, some women's intuition isn't strong or they IGNORE it.

i've read tons of historical/celebrities past history and relationships and their partner has never guessed, even before marriage. For example, this is not a dig to any sign, please, cause we can come up with many signs/placements, and the one that shocked me is Schwarzenneger's where he was even having sexual relationships with Brigette Nielsen before and during his entire marriage. Of course, we can come up with tons of many signs/placements that do this. The intuition was broken??

Posted by CluelessCancer

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by starlover
If you feel your partner is doing something wrong..cheating etc
and your gut feeling is telling you that, there is no need to go
through his stuff

Womens' intuition is never wrong

sometimes, some women's intuition isn't strong or they IGNORE it.

i've read tons of historical/celebrities past history and relationships and their partner has never guessed, even before marriage. For example, this is not a dig to any sign, please, cause we can come up with many signs/placements, and the one that shocked me is Schwarzenneger's where he was even having sexual relationships with Brigette Nielsen before and during his entire marriage. Of course, we can come up with tons of many signs/placements that do this. The intuition was broken??

no she just wanted to live an "image." That lady knew.

click to expand

that's what i was thinking...because how could you not know for so many years? there were alot of women. it wasn't as if they were broken up and then went back...they were consistently together for so long. I guess "image" is important to SOME, but not all.
I am guessing that is the same with Tiger Woods, ect and all the rest, because they are with men who give them "image" and not true love? Or something like that?

If your gut instinct tells you that something is not right, it is your duty to search for an answer. Search wisely where you are most likely to find an answer.

If you don't...most likely you stop caring.

I am surprised that people consider normal (morally right or even a sort of entitlement) keeping secrets from each other in a committed relationship.

Privacy rights? You gave them up when you signed the wedding contract.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arnold_Schwarzenegger<BR>
Actress Brigitte Nielsen came forward and stated that she too had an affair with Schwarzenegger while he was in a relationship with Shriver,[127] saying, "Maybe I wouldn't have got into it if he said 'I'm going to marry Maria' and this is dead serious, but he didn't, and our affair carried on."[127]

of course, there are plenty other celebs under different signs/placements we can come up with everywhere, but just wanted to show this one since it stuck out recently when researching.

It has to be image, and you turn a blind eye. Because, you have everything in the world, you're on TOP of the world, and it feels good to alot of people....as long as it doesn't go public to shame you, just like what happened to Tiger Woods when his wife had to divorce him because it was shameful in the public eye. But some don't care you know...like Rihanna, she will go back no matter what. At this point it's not signs anymore, just what makes you happy....and it made them happy. Even if it's for SHOW.

Posted by starlover
Gut feeling

and tarot cards

never fail

😄

LOL

Posted by seraph
I'll have to disagree with the wedding contract statement. This is great way to steer someone far, far away from the notion of marriage.

There are still some things that are *yours* and *mine*, still some places that belong to yourself and no one else.

Two people in a relationship are still individuals. And their stuff is theirs. Yours is yours. You have things you share and things you don't.

You're perfectly entitled to go on a quest for truth, but not when it compromises who *you* are. You can search through his phone. And you might find something or you might not. And you might be satisfied with your sleuthing skills. But what made you go through someone's PERSONAL BELONGINGS in the first place? Your insecurities. Whether you're right or wrong in your intuition, those very same insecurities will still be there *the next time around*, and the more you indulge in them the stronger they will become. Until you eventually enter into relationships in a super-suspicious and paranoid state before even having a reason to.

More important than any relationship is the your ability to to create your own happiness apart from externalities, including reliance on others to do it for you. And in this way, eventually, you'll not bother with violating others' personal belongings.

I'm not sure what his "personal belongings" might me. As far as I'm concerned, even his dick belongs to me.

In some cases it is, indeed, due to super-suspicious and paranoia. In most cases is driven by curiosity. You could always learn some interesting, new things. Fascinating things.

For example, I found out that my husband was previously married...and that he dated two other women until not long before we got married. LOL, I didn't know I won a competition! He could have told me, it would have spiced things up.

Posted by alohamora
The point where you have to snoop, the relationship is over.

For one, no more trust on him and no more trust in you.
No respect for his privacy and that move he wont respect too.

Relationships knows boundaries too, thats the challenge aspect of how respectful you are of your partner.

Two adults, not adult and child. Heck, even kids need their privacy respected too as a good example.

I love my husband so much. He tells his colleagues, when his colleagues get snoopy, and stops them dead on their tracks (because his colleagues have failed relationships or are messed up)...
"Our relationship is based on TRUST. If you don't have that..."

He's so gooey lovedovey dove.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by starlover
Gut feeling

and tarot cards

never fail

😄

LOL

click to expand

LOL, I've read "carrot cakes" instead of "tarot cards" and almost agreed with it!

Posted by alohamora
The point where you have to snoop, the relationship is over.

For one, no more trust on him and no more trust in you.
No respect for his privacy and that move he wont respect too.

Relationships knows boundaries too, thats the challenge aspect of how respectful you are of your partner.

Two adults, not adult and child. Heck, even kids need their privacy respected too as a good example.

It is not that one always looks for evidence of infidelity when doing this........there is nothing wrong with wanting to know ALL the secrets of the person we share our life with! In fact, it sounds completely wrong not wanting to know them....the next step would be to stop caring at all.

Posted by alohamora

Posted by Undine

Posted by alohamora
The point where you have to snoop, the relationship is over.

For one, no more trust on him and no more trust in you.
No respect for his privacy and that move he wont respect too.

Relationships knows boundaries too, thats the challenge aspect of how respectful you are of your partner.

Two adults, not adult and child. Heck, even kids need their privacy respected too as a good example.

It is not that one always looks for evidence of infidelity when doing this........there is nothing wrong with wanting to know ALL the secrets of the person we share our life with! In fact, it sounds completely wrong not wanting to know them....the next step would be to stop caring at all.

Its called a secret for a reason.

click to expand

*glistering eyes*

Now you made me curious. Highly interested. Excited. I want to know the secret! AND the reason!

I'm a researcher. Curiosity is my most treasured feature.

Posted by krysrenee7

For example, what if you had a diehard suspicioun that he was cheating & knew for a fact that the evidence was in his phone. Would you be wrong for looking if it meant you finding the truth & sparing yourself from having a future with a cheater?

The idea of reading someones shit on their phone makes me nauseated.

It's like invading their private thoughts, and secrets.

I consider physical stalking as different, (where the offense is out in the open) and have no problem doing that.

Companies look you up online b/c they know they believe they can find out who you REALLY are by googling you.

The Police tap phone records b/c even though they are invading your privacy, they are also saving lots of lives & interfering in criminal activity by doing so

People go through their children's things (children & human beings too. What happened to "everyone" deserves privacy) b/c they'd rather be safe than sorry, just in case their beloved child is into something that could hurt them if it's noticed & stopped in time

People go through their partner's phones b/c people hold most of their secrets in those devices

Notice that NONE of it is really fair.

Truth is, some of you would've spared yourself months/years of a bad relationship had you went through your partner's phone lol

So many devastating things can happen when you're dealing with someone who is keeping secrets. You sit there & not go through it b/c you're trying to prove this grand point that you trust them, BUT had you went through it, you would've been 1 LESS bruise, abortion, unwanted pregnancy, std, heartbreak short!

YES, especially if you have doubts about something. If you have tried to talk to him/her and they still seem like they are lying, hell YA. Some people are great liars and manipulators, the sooner you know what they are up to the better off you will be.

Yes, there are very honest people who place a high value on privacy

But let's be real, the majority of people who take this privacy thing too the extreme are usually the ones hiding something.

Think about it. In hindsight 20/20, have you ever met a cheater who didn't care about privacy? Nope. Most of them will get on world wide websites like facebook, twitter & dating sites (NO PRIVACY) to engage in their dirty work, but will be the 1st ones to "promote" privacy when they get home to their partner

Oh give me a break!

Again, I'm all for privacy, but if violating their privacy if it means potentially sparing yourself from years of heartbreak in the future, then do what you've gotta do

The problem is that once that seed of doubt/insecurity is planted, it never really goes away. You can try suppressing it or pushing it in the back of your mind but it never really truly leave. In fact, more you try to ignore it, the bigger the seed grows!

That is the problem ladies & Gents! Even if you decide not to violate their privacy doesn't mean that the seed of doubt goes away All it makes you is a "non-violating of your privacy" type partner who is insanely insecure on the inside! lol

That is the problem ladies & Gents! Even if you decide not to violate their privacy doesn't mean that the seed of doubt goes away All it makes you is a "non-violating of your privacy" type partner who is insanely insecure on the inside!

How about the other end of the spectrum, you check their phone and find nothing out of the ordinary and you realised within yourself you have trust issues or maybe you just don't get along with the person as much as you thought you did. Rather than sparring yourself that year's heartache you create it.

Anyway I guess I would've answered no to snooping but then again I guess I fall into the category "ignorance is bliss". If I didn't know well sucks to be me moving on. If I did know well relationship's good as gone anyway so moving on.

No point in sticking around for something that's not working anyway.

Posted by aquasnoz
How about the other end of the spectrum, you check their phone and find nothing out of the ordinary and you realised within yourself you have trust issues or maybe you just don't get along with the person as much as you thought you did. Rather than sparring yourself that year's heartache you create it.

I see your point. There have def. been many times a woman has gone through her man's found & found nothing. Sometimes they found nothing b/c he used another tool other than his phone to do his dirty work (OR he deleted the evidence) & other times she found nothing b/c there was nothing to find

I'm a really big advocate for trusting your instincts. I think you're always much safer than sorry when you follow your instincts

The problem is that 99% of the women who have strong intuitions that her man is cheating is in fact cheating.

I think it's irresponsible to advocate for women ignoring their instincts.

Yes some women are naturally insecure but just b/c you're insecure doesn't mean that your intuition stops working. Insecure people still have intuitions that are trying to tell them something just like so-called "secure" people do

I think going through a man's phone brings some GOOD sometimes & here's why:

1. If she goes through it & finds something, at least now she knows FOR SURE. Some may argue that simply having the intuition is good enough reason to believe it, but since there's no loyalty if you can just walk away from the person you love all b/c of an unconfirmed "thought," it's a lot easier to accept things as they are when they're staring you in the face as opposed to just hanging out, unconfirmed, in your mind

2. If she does NOT find anything, it opens up the dialogue within herself & her partner that tells her she ought to consider acknowledging that she has trust issues. And since you can't change what you don't acknowledge, it's sometimes easier to admit you've got trust issues when you've been proven wrong about someone. It also alerts their partner that there may some understandable OR completely irrational concerns dealing with trust. And in some cases, once a partner is aware, they help them work through it.

So it doesn't always end up being really bad. Again, the issue isn't the phone. The issue is all the thoughts that preluded you to go through the phone.

Posted by tiziani
No to mention you are contradicting one of your guidelines in your other excellent thread krys 😛

You stated one of the key reasons couples don't last the distance is from simply not confronting the real issues and disagreements to see if there is middle ground available, right from the outset.

Checking someone's phone or records behind their back is the exact opposite of confronting the heart of the matter. I don't see how there's any substitute for just talking and seeing what's really bothering both sides and if you can give it time and work through it to make it right again then great. If you can't, well at least you tried like adults.

Not once have I said going through someone's phone an absolute good move

I am being open-minded & looking at it from all points of view b/c nothing is ever just a black & white issue

I've seen situations where a woman going through her man's phone brought some good out of it, whether she found out a devastating truth & spared herself from a horrible man OR had to confront & fix her trust issues b/c her partner refused to continue the relationship unless she did so.

Let's be clear. We live in a society where there is really NO such thing as privacy. Doesn't mean that people aren't entitled to it, just that we shouldn't be so surprised when the people we don't want in our innermost business somehow end up IN it.

Again, doesn't make it right, but it is what it is

I just can't imagine how your same theory would apply persay she DID find something devastating in the phone. We're always talking about the people who don't find anything, but I notice we gloss over the people who actually do.

Is it really fair to say, Hey I know you just found out you're being played, stolen from & that his mistress is watching your children, but hey, the bigger devastation here is that you went through his phone?!! Oh give me a F'ing break!

And I disagree that instincts should be used to make final decisions. Instincts are like the confirmation that a thought is legit. Everything starts with a simple thought, then a much stronger pressuring thought (intuition) comes along & encourages you to keep thinking more of that original thought. What you choose to DO with that thought is different & up to the person!

Posted by tiziani
That was a very convoluted response from me.

Anyway to me it is fair enough. Deception is deception and it has the same impact on a relationship no matter which way you go about it. You can't be deceptive in the name of "the greater good" of transparency. You're still left with facing yourself in the mirror at the end of it all.

Much simpler to be yourself and make your needs and insecurities known up front from the start, there is always someone out there willing to listen and accommodate.

I see your point & agree

I think there's this misconception about what it means to truly be insecure

Being insecure means finding fault or accusation where there is no rational basis for it. Most of the time, if a man/woman is cheating, there def. ARE signs. Some may be more obvious than others but nonetheless, there are signs

So in that case, if a woman starts suspecting that, it's unfair to call her insecure if her partner is doing things that even the most secure person would find suspicious

The opposite of trust is actually not secure b/c that implies that trusting someone 100% means NEVER suspecting anything, whether there are red flags or not & that's just simply not realistic

People forget that the kind of people who lack morals enough to cheat are usually also the kind of people who aren't bluntly honest when asked if they're cheating

That's the problem

People say, "Well just ask them," but if they really are cheating, why would they come out & say, "Sure honey, actually I banged the hell out of your friend last night!" That's not even realistic

Matter of fact, a lot of cheaters will STILL DENY the truth even if their partners have the proof staring right in front of them

So simply asking a cheater if they're cheating isn't always good enough b/c most likely they will lie anyways which is why I can sometimes understand why some people go to drastic measures to find the truth

There's a lot at stake for some people. Yes, there are plenty of psycho insecure chicks walking around going through every man's phone BUT there are also millions of others saying they're so GLAD they "did what they had to do" b/c doing so spared them from an unfaithful future that they wouldn't have been able to avoid had they not violated their partner's privacy