Never talk to your current about you exes

My current boyfriend gets in those phases sometimes, where he says he doesn't trust me, because I am being "secretive" about my past. He wants to know how many people I've been with and who they were.

I think it's absolutely absurd to talk about the past when it has nothing to do with us and I believe no one should ask for that from their partner. I don't do that to him and I find it very annoying that he keeps pushing for it.

Now the main reason I don't want to tell him anything about it, is because the "caliber" of my ex boyfriends is worlds above his (financially very stable, well-respected, with integrity, could provide for me) etc. Knowing about men and their pride I can tell that if I told him any of this he would get completely intimidated and probably slowly but surely get out of this relationship, because he would feel that he could never live up to those standards.

For me however, having dealt with these guys I came to the conclusion that all I really care about at the end of the day is the heart and how I feel with that person. I just want to feel happy and cherished as I can provide for myself and I am working on taking care of myself financially for the rest of my life and not having anybody to depend on.

He keeps pushing it and I'm starting to get impatient. I really don't want to talk to him about that, but he keeps thinking I'm hiding something and my past must have been crazy.

Any advice?

Posted by tiziani
I doubt he'd cared about the "caliber" of your exes, and if he did I'm sure you wouldn't be with him anyway. I agree with where he's coming from, I just want to know. I don't even ask. People tell me. And just like that... it's done and dusted as a subject of conversation. Not a big deal in my eyes.

Well "you just want to know" - out of curiosity I assume? And while it's not a big deal to you, I'm sure it would be to him because he is kind of insecure already anyway.

It's not like I don't say anything at all, but he wants to know WHO it was. He knows one of the guys I used to date about 5-6 years ago so he is concerned that he might know more of these guys, which would probably make him judge me subconsciously. In reality he doesn't know any of my other exes and I'm honestly not trying to hide anything. But too many women make the mistake of thinking the guy will just listen without judgement and completely open up. Bad idea.

I'd be annoyed too. What the heck? Exes remain in the memory box that never gets opened, unless they are crazy (stalkerish type) & so you see relevance in discussing them with your current partner. Just so he knows. Other than that it's none of his business who you did before him.

I once made a mistake of giving way too much attention about an ex to a guy I was dating. I told him his name too & the guy developed an obsession about my relationship with the ex. He asked all kinds of weird & uncomfortable questions just to get more info. It was bizzare.

My advice, tell him they are not important. He is & therefore you'd rather talk about you all's relationship.

You should tell the truth even if it hurts either of you.

Although you keeping your past a secret may protect his ego/pride it's def. NOT helping the trust in the relationship. Which is most important? His ego or the state of your relationship?

Do your part. As long as you tell the truth & do your part, it's no longer your problem how the other person reacts or perceives your truth b/c you've at least done your part. As with anything in life, how people respond to what you say isn't your problem as long as you've been 100% truthful. You can't control the reactions of everyone & you shouldn't manipulate yourself into believing that being secretive or anything that has ruined plenty of relationships before, is somehow beneficial or doing the relationship/partner a "favor." It's not.

If he choses to throw a tantrum & allow his pride to suffer after getting the truth he asked for, then that's on him & you'd have a good leg to stand on by pointing out to him that he shouldn't have asked if he wasn't ready for it.

If your truth may affect his feelings about you personally, then you're in the wrong for stripping him of the chance to know your background & make his decision accordingly.

A relationship doesn't stand a chance when 1 or both people are stripping the other person of fully & thoroughly getting to know them. The past IS relevant. It tells the story of why you are the way you are + who you are. It's not always going to be pretty or flattering to the next person. But it doesn't matter b/c you should be an open & honest person full-time, not just part-time when it's convenient to their ego

Wanting to know about someone's past is very common. Of course he's being persistent b/c you won't tell him!!! lol If you told him everything & yet he still kept wanting to bring up buried stones, then that'd be different. But the more obvious it is that you're wanting to keep it a secret, the more curious he'll become. And the more curious he'll become, the more it'll spark other issues in the relationship besides trust. Not worth it.

Besides you're just guessing that he won't be able to handle the truth. That may not even be true. He's a big boy. He can handle it. And if he can't, then that's his problem. If you don't do your part, then you have no right being annoyed when someone is aggravated that you haven't done your part lol If he wants to know, tell him. You can't be secretive & have a trusting relationship at the same time.

Tell him how many and if any are currently in your life somehow (a friend, a child's father, etc), then disclose that.

Otherwise, it's none of his business what your ex's names are.

If he's just curious about what kinds of people u dated, then think of a way to downplay their social status. For example if you dated a classic literature professor at Yale, say he was an English teacher. lol

When you're in a relationship with someone you're also in a relationship with their past and their exes. To say that the only thing that matters is NOW is like pretending the person you're with is a blank sheet of paper. Don't tell me where I stand with you, let ME decide that for myself by letting me get to know you, what's shaped you, how you got here, and who was there before me. To me knowing these things about eachother is a natural thing in an intimate relationship.

So in some aspects I understand where the OP's bf is coming from, though he probably needs to address why he wants to know it and what exactly he wants to know for that matter. Will it feed his insecurities if any; or will it ease them? Etc.

I just tell the truth ... and the guy shuts up and never asks again ... I tell him that I can't remember all of them, much less their names.


They never ask me that question again.

However, one must take in the whole aura of the relationship ... and you're the dumbass who got pissy because your boyfriend gave you a heart warming gift of sincerity for your birthday, rather than an object that you could show to the Joneses.

So, in reality .... you haven't proven to him that you're a trustworthy person, so it's a no wonder he doesn't take you seriously enough to believe anything you say.

I see the opinions on that go into both directions. I also understand my boyfriend and his suspicion, I guess I would be feeling a certain way too if he was holding something back from me that I'd like to know. I'm just really trying to look out for the future of our relationship and knowing that he rather has insecurity problems as it is and thinks that he doesn't deserve me in the first place I'm afraid it would drive him away even further. He really should be careful what he asks for but I might try and find a middle ground of calming him down and opening up a little about rather vague stuff, but I don't know what to do when he asks for names because I KNOW he will do his research and find that many of them are well-known and well respected men. I don't understand WHY he wants all that stress, I mean I would rip my hair out if I found out his exes were all another type from me and maybe looked better or had better careers than me. It creates so many unnecessary thoughts of comparison and with men it's even crazier. Why even go there?

I'm seeing a larger number of posts appearing than are visible to me, so I'm guessing some of my special blocked individuals commented. I can't and don't want to read your contribution, so spare your energy 🙂 Thank you and have a great day.

Posted by munchkin
Tell him how many and if any are currently in your life somehow (a friend, a child's father, etc), then disclose that.

Otherwise, it's none of his business what your ex's names are.

If he's just curious about what kinds of people u dated, then think of a way to downplay their social status. For example if you dated a classic literature professor at Yale, say he was an English teacher. lol

I think this is what I'm going to do. None of these guys are currently in my life and I'm not planning on bringing any of them back. I just feel stuck when he starts to ask about the names so I have to go into the old story of "How exactly does that change anything for our relationship?" but he thinks that he might know these men, even though I am 100% positive that he doesn't. I feel like by knowing one of the guys he suspects to know more and it being too much to bare for him. It's a scary thought when somebody could eventually give up on love based on some immature principles. He accuses me of "getting scared" when he talks about my past when in reality what I feel is anger and zero understanding as to WHY this is such an important matter to him. Damn..

I gave my diary to my husband while we were dating. He was asking this typical question, of course. He wouldn't read it.

About three years go by. We are married. I come home from work, look down the hall and there he is with my diary in one hand and a hard on in the other. Eyes crazed eyes.

Murder she wrote...

Sorry but that is a very weird question coming from a guy... Just tell him that its none of his business and that you dont feel comfortable talking about these kind of things

Several times now, you make sure you mention levels of men.

So, it begins to become apparent that the only purpose of this thread is so you can try to make yourself look like a prize to the audience, in that you've had boyfriends that are so high and mighty that you have to keep them a secret.

Your ego must be tremendous. You really don't have to give him details, but, you refuse to consider that option ... because you'd rather keep making more posts to show us that you've had boyfriends who are superior to the current one.


First you come in here to tell us that your boyfriend didn't give you a good enough present for you to be able to present to your friends the material possessions you received from him.

Now, you're in here conveying to us that he's not good enough in comparison to your other (better) boyfriends.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Posted by VenusAquarius
I gave my diary to my husband while we were dating. He was asking this typical question, of course. He wouldn't read it.

About three years go by. We are married. I come home from work, look down the hall and there he is with my diary in one hand and a hard on in the other. Eyes crazed eyes.

Murder she wrote...

this is awesome!

click to expand

Ha haaaa! Go Pluto go!

Arie04,

Do the synastry to find out what type of relationship you are in: Plutonian, Saturian, Marsian, etc.

If you find, you are in a Saturian relationship...smh, I highly advice not. I would shut the discussion down hard, fast, and firm.

"Another telltale sign of its (Saturn)presence may be the repetitious re-evaluation of our companion with an eye to critical analysis of his or her shortcomings, rather than looking within ourselves for the answer."

Look at all the aspects to see which Planet shows up the most. This is highly oversimplified because you need to do more than this... like looking at the degree/orb as well, "negative" aspects, who the "planet person" is, etc. I wish I had the time to do it for you but, this will get you started.

I am in a Plutonian relationship.

Composites really sum it up though.

I made the mistake of telling an ex of mine about a previous boyfriend and that was the biggest mistake I could have made because he continually bought the subject up after that until it got to the point where I was sick of talking to him. Thankfully I've moved on and found someone else who's never asked me about my ex's and could care less - the past is the past and unless there is something specific about your ex like you have a child together I see know reason to talk about your ex

Posted by VenusAquarius
Arie04,

Do the synastry to find out what type of relationship you are in: Plutonian, Saturian, Marsian, etc.

If you find, you are in a Saturian relationship...smh, I highly advice not. I would shut the discussion down hard, fast, and firm.

"Another telltale sign of its (Saturn)presence may be the repetitious re-evaluation of our companion with an eye to critical analysis of his or her shortcomings, rather than looking within ourselves for the answer."

Look at all the aspects to see which Planet shows up the most. This is highly oversimplified because you need to do more than this... like looking at the degree/orb as well, "negative" aspects, who the "planet person" is, etc. I wish I had the time to do it for you but, this will get you started.

I am in a Plutonian relationship.

Composites really sum it up though.

O_O this is the first time I hear about something like this.. How do I find out?

Posted by VenusAquarius
Arie04,

Do the synastry to find out what type of relationship you are in: Plutonian, Saturian, Marsian, etc.

If you find, you are in a Saturian relationship...smh, I highly advice not. I would shut the discussion down hard, fast, and firm.

"Another telltale sign of its (Saturn)presence may be the repetitious re-evaluation of our companion with an eye to critical analysis of his or her shortcomings, rather than looking within ourselves for the answer."

Look at all the aspects to see which Planet shows up the most. This is highly oversimplified because you need to do more than this... like looking at the degree/orb as well, "negative" aspects, who the "planet person" is, etc. I wish I had the time to do it for you but, this will get you started.

I am in a Plutonian relationship.

Composites really sum it up though.

Very interesting, thanks! Never knew about that stuff.

I too am in a Plutonian relationship, with Venusian as runner-up.

No Uranus to speak of! It must mean we're a boring couple. 😛

Posted by Aries04

Posted by VenusAquarius
Arie04,

Do the synastry to find out what type of relationship you are in: Plutonian, Saturian, Marsian, etc.

If you find, you are in a Saturian relationship...smh, I highly advice not. I would shut the discussion down hard, fast, and firm.

"Another telltale sign of its (Saturn)presence may be the repetitious re-evaluation of our companion with an eye to critical analysis of his or her shortcomings, rather than looking within ourselves for the answer."

Look at all the aspects to see which Planet shows up the most. This is highly oversimplified because you need to do more than this... like looking at the degree/orb as well, "negative" aspects, who the "planet person" is, etc. I wish I had the time to do it for you but, this will get you started.

I am in a Plutonian relationship.

Composites really sum it up though.

O_O this is the first time I hear about something like this.. How do I find out?

click to expand

go to astro.com

Do the composite chart, then count the aspects.

Posted by munchkin

Posted by VenusAquarius
Arie04,
Do the synastry to find out what type of relationship you are in: Plutonian, Saturian, Marsian, etc.
If you find, you are in a Saturian relationship...smh, I highly advice not. I would shut the discussion down hard, fast, and firm.
"Another telltale sign of its (Saturn)presence may be the repetitious re-evaluation of our companion with an eye to critical analysis of his or her shortcomings, rather than looking within ourselves for the answer."
Look at all the aspects to see which Planet shows up the most. This is highly oversimplified because you need to do more than this... like looking at the degree/orb as well, "negative" aspects, who the "planet person" is, etc. I wish I had the time to do it for you but, this will get you started.
I am in a Plutonian relationship.
Composites really sum it up though.

Very interesting, thanks! Never knew about that stuff.
I too am in a Plutonian relationship, with Venusian as runner-up.
No Uranus to speak of! It must mean we're a boring couple. 😛

click to expand

aren't you aqua rising and your man is aqua mars? that's gotta be some uranian energy in there between the both of ya.