Amandus
@Amandus
15 Years1,000+ PostsVirgo
Comments: 9 · Posts: 2945 · Topics: 22
Relationship woes...how fast is too fast?
First off, your counselor was wrong.
A person moving fast isn't an indicator of being abusive. Me and my husband moved in together within 30 days of meeting and were married within 3 months ... that was in 1982 and we are still together.
So, you made a decision based off of wrong counseling, and now you find out that your heart hurts worse .. how fucked up is that?
And second ... if you're gone all the time for work, then what difference would it have made to move in with him?
Sounds to me like you fucked up all the way around. Perhaps, if you realized this, he would be able to consider you ... because nobody wants to be with someone who can't handle their owning themselves.
A person moving fast isn't an indicator of being abusive. Me and my husband moved in together within 30 days of meeting and were married within 3 months ... that was in 1982 and we are still together.
So, you made a decision based off of wrong counseling, and now you find out that your heart hurts worse .. how fucked up is that?
And second ... if you're gone all the time for work, then what difference would it have made to move in with him?
Sounds to me like you fucked up all the way around. Perhaps, if you realized this, he would be able to consider you ... because nobody wants to be with someone who can't handle their owning themselves.
If you weren't comfortable moving in with him, then you shouldn't have moved in.
When it feels right you just know and there is not a set right or wrong time frame. It does vary from people to people. For instance, you've known him for a long time and the "getting to know you phase" is taken out of the equation. Now its more "getting to know you in a relationship" phase. If you had just met someone, then it would take longer to make that major of a decision since you would have to go through the "getting to know you" phase.
All that said, you should probably be on your own for a while before you decide to make such a step as moving in. You need to get to know you. And it looks like you're moving down that pathway. Kuddos to you for seeking counselling! Happy all the anxiety and depression is gone. You're on the right road.
Perhaps, when all is said and done and you're in a little better of a place, you can start over with him. He'll need time to heel, too. Then, you can set boundaries and explain what you need and what you don't need. If he truly loves you, he will move at your pace. If he doesn't respect your pace, then thats a huge red flag and the counsellor could be right, he could be controlling and abusive. And not all abuse is physical. There is emotional (seems this case) and mental as well, among others.
A few questions you should consider: Are you SURE he wasn't just a rebound or a way to build your self esteem or a way of making yourself feel better? Was he a crutch?
Answer those in your heart and you'll know whether you did the right thing. Give it some time, too. When I was first separated, I met a guy I got along great with and didn't think it was a transition relationship at the time. But looking back a year later, I now know it was for both of us. He does too. We're still friends and thats all we ever will be.
Good luck and keep working at getting to that better place!
When it feels right you just know and there is not a set right or wrong time frame. It does vary from people to people. For instance, you've known him for a long time and the "getting to know you phase" is taken out of the equation. Now its more "getting to know you in a relationship" phase. If you had just met someone, then it would take longer to make that major of a decision since you would have to go through the "getting to know you" phase.
All that said, you should probably be on your own for a while before you decide to make such a step as moving in. You need to get to know you. And it looks like you're moving down that pathway. Kuddos to you for seeking counselling! Happy all the anxiety and depression is gone. You're on the right road.
Perhaps, when all is said and done and you're in a little better of a place, you can start over with him. He'll need time to heel, too. Then, you can set boundaries and explain what you need and what you don't need. If he truly loves you, he will move at your pace. If he doesn't respect your pace, then thats a huge red flag and the counsellor could be right, he could be controlling and abusive. And not all abuse is physical. There is emotional (seems this case) and mental as well, among others.
A few questions you should consider: Are you SURE he wasn't just a rebound or a way to build your self esteem or a way of making yourself feel better? Was he a crutch?
Answer those in your heart and you'll know whether you did the right thing. Give it some time, too. When I was first separated, I met a guy I got along great with and didn't think it was a transition relationship at the time. But looking back a year later, I now know it was for both of us. He does too. We're still friends and thats all we ever will be.
Good luck and keep working at getting to that better place!
Posted by P-Angel
First off, your counselor was wrong.
A person moving fast isn't an indicator of being abusive. Me and my husband moved in together within 30 days of meeting and were married within 3 months ... that was in 1982 and we are still together.
So, you made a decision based off of wrong counseling, and now you find out that your heart hurts worse .. how fucked up is that?
And second ... if you're gone all the time for work, then what difference would it have made to move in with him?
Sounds to me like you fucked up all the way around. Perhaps, if you realized this, he would be able to consider you ... because nobody wants to be with someone who can't handle their owning themselves.
Alone and in itself no it isn't an abuse indicator but there were other red flags my counselor pointed out. Again those things as well don't necessarily point to abuse but the point is since I have a past with abusive partners, I must be careful.
Of course I was mind fucked, screwed it all up, and acknowledge that much. But it won't change a thing with him.
Posted by truecap
If you weren't comfortable moving in with him, then you shouldn't have moved in.
When it feels right you just know and there is not a set right or wrong time frame. It does vary from people to people. For instance, you've known him for a long time and the "getting to know you phase" is taken out of the equation. Now its more "getting to know you in a relationship" phase. If you had just met someone, then it would take longer to make that major of a decision since you would have to go through the "getting to know you" phase.
All that said, you should probably be on your own for a while before you decide to make such a step as moving in. You need to get to know you. And it looks like you're moving down that pathway. Kuddos to you for seeking counselling! Happy all the anxiety and depression is gone. You're on the right road.
Perhaps, when all is said and done and you're in a little better of a place, you can start over with him. He'll need time to heel, too. Then, you can set boundaries and explain what you need and what you don't need. If he truly loves you, he will move at your pace. If he doesn't respect your pace, then thats a huge red flag and the counsellor could be right, he could be controlling and abusive. And not all abuse is physical. There is emotional (seems this case) and mental as well, among others.
A few questions you should consider: Are you SURE he wasn't just a rebound or a way to build your self esteem or a way of making yourself feel better? Was he a crutch?
Answer those in your heart and you'll know whether you did the right thing. Give it some time, too. When I was first separated, I met a guy I got along great with and didn't think it was a transition relationship at the time. But looking back a year later, I now know it was for both of us. He does too. We're still friends and thats all we ever will be.
Good luck and keep working at getting to that better place!
I didn't feel comfortable moving out of one mans house directly into another mans house with no in-between time for myself. It was a recipe for disaster in my mind because if things didn't work out I'd be in an even bigger mess than I was already in. All I needed was time maybe 6 months to be alone to figure things out but as for the relationship I was told "it is either now or never I'm not waiting for you or anyone."
I'm getting to the good pla
I didn't feel comfortable moving out of one mans house directly into another mans house with no in-between time for myself. It was a recipe for disaster in my mind because if things didn't work out I'd be in an even bigger mess than I was already in. All I needed was time maybe 6 months to be alone to figure things out but as for the relationship I was told "it is either now or never I'm not waiting for you or anyone."
I'm getting to the good place now but I know it is over for good with him. There is no going back. He won't have it.
I'm certain it wasn't a rebound. I've never felt like this for another person. Thank you for the encouragement and advice truecap(:
I'm getting to the good place now but I know it is over for good with him. There is no going back. He won't have it.
I'm certain it wasn't a rebound. I've never felt like this for another person. Thank you for the encouragement and advice truecap(:
Posted by valondra
Our last fight, he pressured me into moving in and I disappeared and didn't call him for a week. He finally broke it off with me for good. I know it's final because he was very angry and said some very disturbing things.
You're feeding us bullshit .... because a guy who has been into you for YEARS, and in KNOWING you just divorced so you must be emotionally fragile is NOT .. repeat .. is NOT going to pressure you into a commitment. In fact, guys in general would prefer to not be commited at first.
This makes it safe to assume to you've led him on to make him believe he is your everything ... in other words, you used him emotionally during your time of crisis = divorce and abortion.
Posted by valondra
There is no going back. He won't give me another chance. It's set in stone.
Which means you're not all that ... that is, if any of this is true. I have a sneaky suspicion that he was led to believe you loved him, deeply, and so once he found out he was just a rebound, his feelings were seriously hurt so he did what any person would do ... give you an ultimatum to see if you have integrity.
I'd be willing to wager that if his voice was heard in here then we would see that you used him (emotionally).
Posted by valondra
My heart hurts and I so badly want him I don't know what to do.
It's almost like we have this very deep psychic connection.
click to expand
What kind of fucked up bullshit is this? ... you talking about a deep connection in the next breath after you saying that he's kicked you to curb for good.
You may be a fool, but, I'm not.
Your heart doesn't hurt, your ego does. You played the hard to get card, just after winning him over, and he saw your game and said, "no thanks bitch, I'm out" .... and now you can't handle it. Now you want him back.
Women like you really piss me off.
It doesn't matter how fast or slow, you do it when you are BOTH comfortable and happy with the idea, if you weren't ready, no matter what your reasons were, then he should have respected that, he didn't, he didn't stick with you and give you the time, care and understanding you needed, if he loved and respected you he would have waited - so he couldn't handle this small disagreement in your relationship, what else will he not be able to handle without stomping off in a huff. He sounds like an idiot and not worth one more second of your time. You will get over it - if you give yourself time now.
P-Angel,
You're right, most guys don't want a commitment right away and would probably understand how emotionally fragile I was, but he is different. He wanted the commitment from day 1. He wanted me to move in day 1. He wanted me to quit my job and support me from day 1. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he was out.
I didn't emotionally use him. He offered help support advice that I didn't ask for and I didn't take it. II pushed him away. I wasn't needy clingy, any of that - I was the exact opposite. I didn't talk about my problems I kept them out of our conversations. He was never ever a rebound and no I didn't play hard to get. I needed time to heal before starting something new. I'm sure that hurt his feelings but I thought I was doing best to give us an actual shot at having a long lasting relationship. Ultimately my compromise was this - we could see each other and even be committed to one another - but I was not ready to live together. For him, it was all or nothing. No in between no compromise from his end. Take it or leave it.
You're right, most guys don't want a commitment right away and would probably understand how emotionally fragile I was, but he is different. He wanted the commitment from day 1. He wanted me to move in day 1. He wanted me to quit my job and support me from day 1. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he was out.
I didn't emotionally use him. He offered help support advice that I didn't ask for and I didn't take it. II pushed him away. I wasn't needy clingy, any of that - I was the exact opposite. I didn't talk about my problems I kept them out of our conversations. He was never ever a rebound and no I didn't play hard to get. I needed time to heal before starting something new. I'm sure that hurt his feelings but I thought I was doing best to give us an actual shot at having a long lasting relationship. Ultimately my compromise was this - we could see each other and even be committed to one another - but I was not ready to live together. For him, it was all or nothing. No in between no compromise from his end. Take it or leave it.
Posted by celticlioness
It doesn't matter how fast or slow, you do it when you are BOTH comfortable and happy with the idea, if you weren't ready, no matter what your reasons were, then he should have respected that, he didn't, he didn't stick with you and give you the time, care and understanding you needed, if he loved and respected you he would have waited - so he couldn't handle this small disagreement in your relationship, what else will he not be able to handle without stomping off in a huff. He sounds like an idiot and not worth one more second of your time. You will get over it - if you give yourself time now.
I often wondered the same thing - what else will he not be able to handle without stomping off? I hope your right I hope to get over it soon.
Posted by valondra
I didn't feel comfortable moving out of one mans house directly into another mans house with no in-between time for myself. It was a recipe for disaster in my mind because if things didn't work out I'd be in an even bigger mess than I was already in. All I needed was time maybe 6 months to be alone to figure things out but as for the relationship I was told "it is either now or never I'm not waiting for you or anyone."
I'm getting to the good place now but I know it is over for good with him. There is no going back. He won't have it.
I'm certain it wasn't a rebound. I've never felt like this for another person. Thank you for the encouragement and advice truecap(:
You did the right thing.
Posted by celticlioness
... so he couldn't handle this small disagreement in your relationship, what else will he not be able to handle without stomping off in a huff. He sounds like an idiot and not worth one more second of your time.
I would like to know how you know he couldn't handle a small disagreement in his relationship?
I would like to know how you know to what magnitude this disagreement was to him, so that you consider it to be small?
I would like to know how you know that he stomped at all, much less in a huff.
:::: looks all around dxp for this guy ::::
I don't see him here anywhere .. how do you know what he thinks, acts?
I don't see him here anywhere .. how do you know what he thinks, acts?
You won't find him in DXP. He knows nothing of this website.
The same could be said for you - how do you know how I responded to him or how I treated him? You made assumptions as well. Your words are critical and judgemental. Not everyone is as lucky ad you to have a solid 30+ year marriage and life. Consider yourself lucky for not knowing what divorce is like. Trust me it ain't pretty and the wounds run deep. Empathy is certainly not your strength.
The same could be said for you - how do you know how I responded to him or how I treated him? You made assumptions as well. Your words are critical and judgemental. Not everyone is as lucky ad you to have a solid 30+ year marriage and life. Consider yourself lucky for not knowing what divorce is like. Trust me it ain't pretty and the wounds run deep. Empathy is certainly not your strength.
LOL @ "solid 30 year marriage."
Honey, don't think such things. She's shared tidbits of her marriage here and it ain't all it's cracked up to be. I can't even believe that she had the gall to use her own marriage as an example, tbh.
Take what the bitter cobweb vag has to say with a grain of salt. What you did was fine and the guy was far too pushy. Guys who move to fast are a red flag, period. If you saw those other red flags too, then you didn't really lose anything. If he really was into you, he wouldn't have taken off so fast.
It sucks, but you're better off. Worry about you and get back on track first.
Honey, don't think such things. She's shared tidbits of her marriage here and it ain't all it's cracked up to be. I can't even believe that she had the gall to use her own marriage as an example, tbh.
Take what the bitter cobweb vag has to say with a grain of salt. What you did was fine and the guy was far too pushy. Guys who move to fast are a red flag, period. If you saw those other red flags too, then you didn't really lose anything. If he really was into you, he wouldn't have taken off so fast.
It sucks, but you're better off. Worry about you and get back on track first.
@ P - A N G E L
Could yu PLEASE shut your old ass up??!!! You've been married before I was born WTF are yu even on the Internet??
If your angry because your social security check didn't come yet please dont take it out on us!
-times have changed several times since you've been in the dating game so avoid giving advice to ppl who aren't retired.
AS FOR VALONDRA
I kno yu said he won't come back; does He FULLY understand your situation, wens the last time yu spoke him? EVERYTHING
yu went thru this year, I did too Except for a few minor details...
I wasn't married, but I had been in a relationship for 6yrs and then I got pregnant & ended up going into labor at 20weeks [still birth]
Could yu PLEASE shut your old ass up??!!! You've been married before I was born WTF are yu even on the Internet??
If your angry because your social security check didn't come yet please dont take it out on us!
-times have changed several times since you've been in the dating game so avoid giving advice to ppl who aren't retired.
AS FOR VALONDRA
I kno yu said he won't come back; does He FULLY understand your situation, wens the last time yu spoke him? EVERYTHING
yu went thru this year, I did too Except for a few minor details...
I wasn't married, but I had been in a relationship for 6yrs and then I got pregnant & ended up going into labor at 20weeks [still birth]
Divorce is hard. I was married 18 years and yes, the dating game is very, very different than when I was single before. Still, its very different for those in my age group than the ones in their 20s, I believe. My generation has a different set of ideas, more old school philosophies and its hard to get past what we grew up with. We're trying to incorporate the old into the new way of doing things. It gets confusing. For us, the rules are different, but the same. I so hope this makes sense.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by celticlioness
... so he couldn't handle this small disagreement in your relationship, what else will he not be able to handle without stomping off in a huff. He sounds like an idiot and not worth one more second of your time.
I would like to know how you know he couldn't handle a small disagreement in his relationship?
I would like to know how you know to what magnitude this disagreement was to him, so that you consider it to be small?
I would like to know how you know that he stomped at all, much less in a huff.
LOL, Oh I don't know P-Angel, how??s about maybe I just had a sneaky suspicion, much like you did:
a guy who has been into you for YEARS, and in KNOWING you just divorced so you must be emotionally fragile is NOT .. repeat .. is NOT going to pressure you into a commitment.
he was led to believe you loved him, deeply, and so once he found out he was just a rebound, his feelings were seriously hurt so he did what any person would do ... give you an ultimatum to see if you have integrity.
he saw your game and said, "no thanks bitch, I'm out" ....
click to expand
Women like you really piss me off.
lol, awesome .... at least you pay attention, unlike the rest who just shuffle along like sheep.
Posted by rockyroadicecream
LOL @ "solid 30 year marriage."
Honey, don't think such things. She's shared tidbits of her marriage here and it ain't all it's cracked up to be. I can't even believe that she had the gall to use her own marriage as an example, tbh.
Take what the bitter cobweb vag has to say with a grain of salt. What you did was fine and the guy was far too pushy. Guys who move to fast are a red flag, period. If you saw those other red flags too, then you didn't really lose anything. If he really was into you, he wouldn't have taken off so fast.
It sucks, but you're better off. Worry about you and get back on track first.
Rockyroadicecream - LOL thanks for sharing that (:. I'm new to dxp so I haven't really looked at p-Angels posts, except for the rant she published in this thread.
Posted by P-Angel
lol, awesome .... at least you pay attention, unlike the rest who just shuffle along like sheep.
😉
I still stand by reality ... there is no way she is without fault, while the guy is a total chucklefuck.
Amazing how it's always the Fish who is the only one who sees the reality, isn't it?
If this guy was in a deep connection with her, as she claims, then he would be actualizing this connection. for the fact the he isn't acting upon his connection indicates that he wasn't involved in one, therefore, she is the deluded one who isn't grasping that she is allowing herself to be submerged into the trenches of a lie she told herself.
And if she is lying to herself, which she is, since her words were, "we have this very deep psychic connection" ... then this means she is living through believing the lie .. this is the reason she can't get it.
If she is living with the lie, believing it to be real ... then she leads him to believe this same lie. She interacts with him treating him as if he is living with a deep connection to her.
psychology101
It's the same concept in passing a lie detector test when deluded, and the very reason why they aren't admissible .. because if a person believes it, they live it as if it's real = deluded.
Amazing how it's always the Fish who is the only one who sees the reality, isn't it?
If this guy was in a deep connection with her, as she claims, then he would be actualizing this connection. for the fact the he isn't acting upon his connection indicates that he wasn't involved in one, therefore, she is the deluded one who isn't grasping that she is allowing herself to be submerged into the trenches of a lie she told herself.
And if she is lying to herself, which she is, since her words were, "we have this very deep psychic connection" ... then this means she is living through believing the lie .. this is the reason she can't get it.
If she is living with the lie, believing it to be real ... then she leads him to believe this same lie. She interacts with him treating him as if he is living with a deep connection to her.
psychology101
It's the same concept in passing a lie detector test when deluded, and the very reason why they aren't admissible .. because if a person believes it, they live it as if it's real = deluded.
p-Angel he was the first one who said we had a deep psychic connection. He said he only felt this way one other time which was over 20 years ago.
I never said I was without fault. I said what I did - I disappeared on him because I felt pressured but I came back with a compromise and had the door slammed on my face. I wasn't making good decisions, but who does when they are under a lot of stress, pressure, and sadness? Have you ever looked at the stages of grief and loss - explains my actions exactly.
I never said I was without fault. I said what I did - I disappeared on him because I felt pressured but I came back with a compromise and had the door slammed on my face. I wasn't making good decisions, but who does when they are under a lot of stress, pressure, and sadness? Have you ever looked at the stages of grief and loss - explains my actions exactly.
Posted by P-Angel
I still stand by reality ... there is no way she is without fault, while the guy is a total chucklefuck.
Amazing how it's always the Fish who is the only one who sees the reality, isn't it?
If this guy was in a deep connection with her, as she claims, then he would be actualizing this connection. for the fact the he isn't acting upon his connection indicates that he wasn't involved in one, therefore, she is the deluded one who isn't grasping that she is allowing herself to be submerged into the trenches of a lie she told herself.
And if she is lying to herself, which she is, since her words were, "we have this very deep psychic connection" ... then this means she is living through believing the lie .. this is the reason she can't get it.
If she is living with the lie, believing it to be real ... then she leads him to believe this same lie. She interacts with him treating him as if he is living with a deep connection to her.
psychology101
It's the same concept in passing a lie detector test when deluded, and the very reason why they aren't admissible .. because if a person believes it, they live it as if it's real = deluded.
Oh I've no doubt that she is with fault, nor do I think there is any sort of deep psychic connection either, but the facts she gives us is the reality that SHE sees and these "realities" are not something she seems to be able to tolerate in a relationship. You are totally right, if there was a connection (as she sees it) then he would not have given up, he would have stuck around, he didn't, there is no connection - he is gone, as he doesn't live up to her reality then she is better off without him, because to her he is (or will become if they continue) an idiot. As the OP grows and experiences different relationships of different sorts, her perception of the facts as they are may change and she may well be able to clearly see the realities of a situation and how her expectations of it weigh in with what she wants from life. But sometimes thes things can only be leart through experience and reflection.
Posted by valondraPosted by JazSexyAzz
In fact he got very angry said some really mean things - one of those being that I'm the worst girl he's ever had sex with.click to expand
sweetheart, there is no way he felt a deep connection to you if he said this
Just one more thing, from your first post (we do still remember even though you are hiding them 🙂) you said you were in an on again off again relationship with him from the start, this isn't a good portent of future happiness nor sign of a good connection, regardless of who voiced that. You are hurting now possibly more from ego related bruising plus the stressses of your life over the last year than from real caring for this man. Holding on to the fantasy of this having been a real love affair is just holding on to painful emotions, which should be acknowledged and then stepped away from. If this relationship causes you pain, regardless of fault, then it should be put aside and out of your life.
Posted by valondra
In fact he got very angry said some really mean things - one of those being that I'm the worst girl he's ever had sex with.
Ugh! There is NO way this fool was into you as much as he claims. People who get THAT dirty when upset are huge assholes that don't deserve a second of your time. I don't care how pissy you get, you don't start dragging out such sensitive topics like that and using them as an insult.
Consider this idiot a mistake, don't date for awhile and get everything straightened out with you. Next time, don't let some fool pressure you into a relationship if you don't want. If he truly respected you, he wouldn't have pushed and disregarded your emotional well being all for the sake of his damned penis.
Posted by celticlioness
Just one more thing, from your first post (we do still remember even though you are hiding them 🙂) you said you were in an on again off again relationship with him from the start, this isn't a good portent of future happiness nor sign of a good connection, regardless of who voiced that. You are hurting now possibly more from ego related bruising plus the stressses of your life over the last year than from real caring for this man. Holding on to the fantasy of this having been a real love affair is just holding on to painful emotions, which should be acknowledged and then stepped away from. If this relationship causes you pain, regardless of fault, then it should be put aside and out of your life.
It's funny you mention that. Initially I was solid with him. I had no doubts but I didn't want to live together. It was he who constantly did the breakup get back together cycle. He blamed it on my travel schedule that I really had no control over, except to quit my job which is what he wanted. I on the other hand was not comfortable with that either. His break up get back together episodes destroyed my trust in him. I then started the off again on again episodes and that he would have nothing to do with. It was a double standard for him - ok for him to do but not ok for me. He wouldn't tolerate it. I tried compromise but he wouldnt have it.
My feelings run deep with him - the night before I posted this topic, I had a flashback of one of our nights together. It was so intense emotionally I woke up crying and couldnt stop for a very long time. We didn't have sex that particular night but we almost did. When we were together it was perfect. It was when I was away that the trouble started over again.
You're right - it's difficult to really pinpoint what the source of the pain is. I do miss him, but I had so much happen this year thats distorting everything.
Man what the hell are you missing, then? He initiated several break ups, held no regard to your work life and personal life. It's all about him and what he wants. He forced you into sex that you weren't quite feeling and held no respect for you or your emotions.
Your therapist was right though- those red flags in this instance did warn of an abusive person. Everything that you've mentioned screams control freak and at least emotionally abusive. This guy sounds like a total loser.
Curious, but what sign is he?
Your therapist was right though- those red flags in this instance did warn of an abusive person. Everything that you've mentioned screams control freak and at least emotionally abusive. This guy sounds like a total loser.
Curious, but what sign is he?
I dunno. We were great as friends and lovers in the beginning of the relationship. Oh well it took a shit. He, my friend, is a cancer.
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Man what the hell are you missing, then? He initiated several break ups, held no regard to your work life and personal life. It's all about him and what he wants. He forced you into sex that you weren't quite feeling and held no respect for you or your emotions.
Your therapist was right though- those red flags in this instance did warn of an abusive person. Everything that you've mentioned screams control freak and at least emotionally abusive. This guy sounds like a total loser.
Curious, but what sign is he?
the fact that he is a cancer truly explains the abuse
UGHHHH Cancer men! (I am not judging, but I know twelve cancer men, two of them family members, and I swear every one of them) are totally mentally abusive to every women they have/do hook up with).
What I question is what makes you (OP) want to be with him?...see the problem I have here is when I hear women on this forum come on here talking about how good the relationship was, how much they truly loved the man, and now how hurt they are that the particular man doesn't want them anymore, and they list all the crap the guy has done and all the horrible qualities. At this point, I am always asking this question, "If this other person was so horrible to begin with, why the hell are you putting up with him, and crying over him?"
I guess this is perhaps why people like P-angel think surely you are making this all up about the man in question, or that you are lying or withholding alot of the truth,or just salty at being dumped, yet you could very well be telling the whole truth of how it went down... some will wonder, what exactly is wrong with you that you found him so wonderful to begin with.
I know you may say, well, he did not start out this way, but I will say BS to this because most douche bags, especially if they are really abusive, controlling, manipulative, mean, whatever, do not suddenly become this way. They were that way to begin with... and in this case, is it really fair to only rag on the man, without admitting you are the nutcase for being with him to begin with. All I'm saying is at what point do YOU own up and take some responsibility?
and my issue with the whole therapist thing is, while the therapist is busy describing his bad qualities...she may want to put more energy into fixing your issues (clearly you have some if you found his behavior very mu
cont...
very much okay initially, and you did exactly that. Take some time off from men in general, and work on building you up emotionally and mentally, then you will know a healthy relationship when it comes your way.
very much okay initially, and you did exactly that. Take some time off from men in general, and work on building you up emotionally and mentally, then you will know a healthy relationship when it comes your way.
"Interestingly he claimed to be so good in bed but honestly it wasnt that good for me either. Although he is "very large" I didn't feel his intensity as much as I should have and now that I think about it - perhaps he has issues with keeping an erection—"
@ OP, WOW
Why are women so quick to bash a man after he dumps her...if you lost out, its okay to say that, but to turn around and talk about how that man didn't have what it takes to satisfy you in bed is wrong. I know you know that we all know, you was calling his name and all that good stuff when he was doing it to you in the good 'ol days...that in itself would have sent me packing...
but that could be a gemini thing, If you can't satisfy in bed, we don't make it past that first encounter, and I can totally understand when men take this stance as well.
I have not had all smooth relationships in my life...you lose some, you win some, but damn, that's no reason to become so damn bitter, because that is what this kind of talk is. Flat out ass bitter.
@ OP, WOW
Why are women so quick to bash a man after he dumps her...if you lost out, its okay to say that, but to turn around and talk about how that man didn't have what it takes to satisfy you in bed is wrong. I know you know that we all know, you was calling his name and all that good stuff when he was doing it to you in the good 'ol days...that in itself would have sent me packing...
but that could be a gemini thing, If you can't satisfy in bed, we don't make it past that first encounter, and I can totally understand when men take this stance as well.
I have not had all smooth relationships in my life...you lose some, you win some, but damn, that's no reason to become so damn bitter, because that is what this kind of talk is. Flat out ass bitter.
SoooGem,
Im not perfect I made mistakes too. I didnt communicate too well with him during my trips abroad. I had very limited cell phone access and tried to keep in touch via email (Im a novice at traveling) It drove him stir crazy. He broke up with me several times because of this very issue, and also because i wasnt ready to have sex with him.
ultimately he was frustrated with me. I think it just boils down to utter miscommunication.
To give you a background - i grew up in an abusive family situation. Its how i ended up in abusive relationships. The cousenling has helped to steer me away from those kinds of men, but obviously i still have issues.
You may have missed the part I talked about when he broke it off with me the final time that he said i was the worst girl that he's ever been with in bed. I probably shouldnt have elaborated and will hide the post. point is, i never told him he was bad or the worst or anything like that. Sex the first time is usually very ackward anyways. i crave the closeness, the intimacy of it all. for him i think hes missing the point of sex altogether. it isnt about performance its the closeness you feel to the other person.
Im not perfect I made mistakes too. I didnt communicate too well with him during my trips abroad. I had very limited cell phone access and tried to keep in touch via email (Im a novice at traveling) It drove him stir crazy. He broke up with me several times because of this very issue, and also because i wasnt ready to have sex with him.
ultimately he was frustrated with me. I think it just boils down to utter miscommunication.
To give you a background - i grew up in an abusive family situation. Its how i ended up in abusive relationships. The cousenling has helped to steer me away from those kinds of men, but obviously i still have issues.
You may have missed the part I talked about when he broke it off with me the final time that he said i was the worst girl that he's ever been with in bed. I probably shouldnt have elaborated and will hide the post. point is, i never told him he was bad or the worst or anything like that. Sex the first time is usually very ackward anyways. i crave the closeness, the intimacy of it all. for him i think hes missing the point of sex altogether. it isnt about performance its the closeness you feel to the other person.
From his perspective he says i humiliated him in the following ways -
-refusal to quit my job
-refusal to move in with him and have him support me 100%
-refusal to have sex right away - i made him wait a few months but it was because I wasnt read
-not calling him everyday while i was abroad (i emailed him everyday)
from his perspective he offered me the world and I turned it down. Thats his words I pulled from his emails anyway.
-refusal to quit my job
-refusal to move in with him and have him support me 100%
-refusal to have sex right away - i made him wait a few months but it was because I wasnt read
-not calling him everyday while i was abroad (i emailed him everyday)
from his perspective he offered me the world and I turned it down. Thats his words I pulled from his emails anyway.
Posted by valondra
for him i think hes missing the point of sex altogether. it isnt about performance its the closeness you feel to the other person.
He's not a chic ... he's a dude.
If you are expecting a guy to feel like a chic, then you should expect intimacy problems with every man
Posted by SoooGem
"Interestingly he claimed to be so good in bed but honestly it wasnt that good for me either. Although he is "very large" I didn't feel his intensity as much as I should have and now that I think about it - perhaps he has issues with keeping an erection—"
@ OP, WOW
Why are women so quick to bash a man after he dumps her...if you lost out, its okay to say that, but to turn around and talk about how that man didn't have what it takes to satisfy you in bed is wrong. I know you know that we all know, you was calling his name and all that good stuff when he was doing it to you in the good 'ol days...that in itself would have sent me packing...
but that could be a gemini thing, If you can't satisfy in bed, we don't make it past that first encounter, and I can totally understand when men take this stance as well.
I have not had all smooth relationships in my life...you lose some, you win some, but damn, that's no reason to become so damn bitter, because that is what this kind of talk is. Flat out ass bitter.
You missed the part where he ripped into how terrible she was in bed during a temper tantrum of his. She was elaborating on that and saying that she wasn't feeling such great things from him, either. Simmer down.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by valondra
for him i think hes missing the point of sex altogether. it isnt about performance its the closeness you feel to the other person.
He's not a chic ... he's a dude.
If you are expecting a guy to feel like a chic, then you should expect intimacy problems with every manclick to expand
p-Angel, Yes I get that but most of the men I've been with have been very close intimate relationships. It wasn't just sex. It was so much more than that. They rocked my world. I only had intimacy probs with 2 men - the ones that were treating me like a chick in a porno.
looking back at the estranged relationship we had, I've come to the realization that he used the fuck out of me. He said what he had to to get me into bed. I was just another notch on his belt. I'm so done with cancers.
OMG THE RAT AND THE WANGER GIVING LOVE ADVICE
WHAT NEXT Q ON RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT NEXT Q ON RELATIONSHIPS
Posted by james tate
OMG THE RAT AND THE WANGER GIVING LOVE ADVICE
WHAT NEXT Q ON RELATIONSHIPS
LOL! (:
SOMETIMES AGE DOESN'T MAKE YOU WISER IT JUST MAKES YOU OLSER AND DUMBER.
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