Single or taken? Who gives best advice?

My cousin just said something interesting. He said, "Single people shouldn't give people in relationships advice b/c after all, they're single!"

Now granted, I've seen my man get furious when he sees that I constantly listen to advice from my single friends, but hey it's not like you're an idiot just b/c you're single!

I will agree though that single people (especially if they're NOT single by choice) shouldn't necessarily be the 1s giving advice to their friends that are already taken b/c sometimes, only those in relationships can relate and/or give the best advice.

Ha! 1 of my single friends is so bitter & every time one of us gets into a relationship & have any problems she's always spewing her bitterness onto us. In other words, she may not be the best 1 to give relationship advice.

Anytime 1 of your single friends says, "Screw guys! They're all liars, cheaters & players, that's an indication that she's NOT the best 1 to get advice from!

Are you single?

No

He has you set up, now will he be nice or slam you?

Taking bets! 10 to 1 says he gives the nice answer.

Ha! I won't listen to a single person's advice if they always have problems keeping their own men & I damn sure won't listen to any advice from someone whose already taken if they're in the wrong relationship anyways. Simply being in a relationship doesn't necessarily make you any wiser, especially if you're putting up with a whole bunch of crap. And simply being single doesn't necessarily make you any less street smart about relationships--we have to remember that some people are single by choice.

But it is true though. It's always the single women who can't ever keep a man that's always trying to "School" a woman that's already taken! Ha! I love seeing the looks on a man's face when he realizes that his girlfriend/wife took advice from 1 of her jealous ass, bitter & "no-man-having" friends! PRICELESS!

Posted by LibraSid
He has you set up, now will he be nice or slam you?

Taking bets! 10 to 1 says he gives the nice answer.

LOL. I'm too predictable.

The best givers of advice will still be the best whether single or attached.

Posted by ninjamu
The best givers of advice will still be the best whether single or attached.

That's not always necessarily true. Some people b/c they're single (not by choice) have skewed thinking/mentality simply b/c of their bad experiences with being single. And someone whose having a bad experience may not give the same advice persay they would've had they actually been enjoying being single.

The same goes for relationships. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, her mindset about relationship/love may have changed, even if just TEMPORARILY. And she may not get back to her original way of thinking/viewing relationships until she's finally back to normal & away from the source of her unhappiness.

My rule of thumb is this: If you're unhappy in your relationship OR seem to be miserable in your single life, there's a HUGE chance that you being unhappy has altered or skewed your mentality/views on certain things. Doesn't mean that you lost your common sense or ability to have good judgement. BUT, like most of us, I'd rather get advice from someone who is UNbiased.

If I could choose, I'd rather get advice from the single woman whose happy being single vs. the 1 who never seems to be able to keep a man. Her not ever being able to ever keep a man is already an indication that her views/attitude about certain things regarding relationships is NOT working for her--so if her "advice" doesn't work for her, why would it work for me or anybody else! I like getting advice from those whose OWN advice helps THEM out; it'll give the rest of us confidence that their advice will work for us & other too

I'm with Ninjamu.

Besides, if you've got bitter chicks giving you bad advice because they want you lonely like they are, they're not your friends in the first place. Check your own self and your judgment of character and you won't have issues like that. Stupid chicks are stupid chicks, whether in a relationship or not. Pick a better crew to roll with is all I can say lol

When I'm looking for advice, I chose people who are in the situation in which I would like to be. When I was single and didn't want to be, that meant asking married people (or those in long-term commitments) how they attracted and kept their partners. Now that I'm married, it means talking to other married people who have already met and overcome the challenges of a marriage relationship. If you want to learn something, you ask someone who has done it, not someone who hasn't.

I don't think it makes a difference. Most people don't take their own advice anyways

You know there are people who stay single by choice and those who have learned from their past mistakes and may be single now, but can tell you what you should and should not do.

I have a lot of my friends who are in relationships come to me asking for advice and their response is always,
"Wow, I that's actually really good advice, I never thought of it that way."
Keep in mind I am a psych major tho and I have had classes on how to deal with problems in a relationship, helping relationships and sex. Doesn't hurt to have been in two long term relationships tho. Experience is always nice

Posted by amethyst2002
Does it really matter? Too many who ask for advice don't listen to it anyway.

Agreed. That's why I try not to force the advice on them...I let them think it out in their heads themselves by saying "well what if this?" that why they're the ones who come to the conclusion and they are more likely to follow through. Also inquiring how their situation is doing is always good for keeping them on the right path

Posted by krysrenee7

Posted by ninjamu
The best givers of advice will still be the best whether single or attached.

That's not always necessarily true. Some people b/c they're single (not by choice) have skewed thinking/mentality simply b/c of their bad experiences with being single. And someone whose having a bad experience may not give the same advice persay they would've had they actually been enjoying being single.

The same goes for relationships. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, her mindset about relationship/love may have changed, even if just TEMPORARILY. And she may not get back to her original way of thinking/viewing relationships until she's finally back to normal & away from the source of her unhappiness.

My rule of thumb is this: If you're unhappy in your relationship OR seem to be miserable in your single life, there's a HUGE chance that you being unhappy has altered or skewed your mentality/views on certain things. Doesn't mean that you lost your common sense or ability to have good judgement. BUT, like most of us, I'd rather get advice from someone who is UNbiased.

If I could choose, I'd rather get advice from the single woman whose happy being single vs. the 1 who never seems to be able to keep a man. Her not ever being able to ever keep a man is already an indication that her views/attitude about certain things regarding relationships is NOT working for her--so if her "advice" doesn't work for her, why would it work for me or anybody else! I like getting advice from those whose OWN advice helps THEM out; it'll give the rest of us confidence that their advice will work for us & other too

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then they temporarily lose their status as "best advice giver". i don't confuse "best" with "perfect". even the best fail sometimes. (there's a lot of best-ing goin' on! 😛)

also, things are not always what they seem.

It's very logical to want to take advice from people who actually seem like they know what they're doing and are happy vs. not taking advice from someone who isn't happy, etc. However, although someone might seem like they ain't got it together, that doesn't mean they don't have YOUR best interest in mind. I've talked to people who are in happy relationships, but sometimes they aren't the most insightful people. I've also talked to people who are "going thru it" in their relationship...and they have said some shit that really makes you sit and think. At the end of the day, you gotta listen to those who actually care about YOU and YOUR happiness...even if it seems like their life ain't all together yet. Advice is best taken when you know you're loved by the person who's giving it, and that love is genuine.

Good point candy apples. It's all about whose got your best interest in mind. And hey, a person can have your best interest whether they're single or in a relationship. The problem is, sometimes it's hard to know whether or not someone has your best interest in mind until after you've gotten the advice. And sometimes, a person can be so desperate for advice and/or to hear ANYTHING that they automatically take in & choose to believe the 1st person that gives them advice.

When people see that you're desperate, they'll tell you anything. And even sometimes, a person may not even realize that they're spewing their negativity/biased opinion onto you. They may really feel that they're "keeping it real" b/c in their minds, they're literally just telling you how they see things. A person can't help how they perceive things, especially if they're not even aware that their mindset or attitude about things is biased, wrong or skewed.

@Beloved: Good point. On 1 hand, it's only natural for me to expect that if someone wants my advice, I'm only going to assume that they plan on taking it or atleast strongly taking it into consideration. It's not my place to tell a person that they absolutely have to take my advice "or else" but then again, I hate it when people ask for other's opinions even though they're not open minded enough to get out of their own thinking/mindset (even if others are telling them right.) The people stuck in their ways the hardest tend to be the 1s who ask for advice the most often! But they never take the advice, & eventually the advice givers stop putting so much effort into their advice b/c they know that giving a hard-headed person advice is the same as trying to teach a 4 year old Calculus!

On 1 hand, you sort of were biased when you gave your ex advice. You meant well but you purposely didn't tell him what you really felt all b/c you were worried about how your advice for him to leave his girlfriend would've looked. You're right, had you told him that you genuinely felt he should've left his wife, everybody would've sworn that you only told him that to hate on his marriage. But hey, if that's what you genuinely felt he should've done, you should've said so & just HOPED that he'd give you enough credit & that he knows you well enough to know that you'd never manipulate someone's relationship for your own gain. That's the chance you take when you're giving advice that you know the other person may not want to hear.

That's why I like getting advice from those who are biased. Sometimes it's best to get advice from someone that knows nothing about the situation. If someone has been keeping up with the "story" from day 1, they might naturally be biased even if they don't realize it, especially if they're only hearing ONE side of the story. Only hearing 1 side of the story already strips you from being able to give the absolute right advice simply b/c you only have 1 version/piece of the puzzle, but yet are being asked to solve the entire thing/puzzle.

Sometimes I hate asking for advice from someone who knows absolutely nothing about the situation. It's draining having to start from square 1 & get them caught up on everything. But then again those are the best people to get the advice from, b/c atleast they're unbiased. Since they're just now hearing all the details, they may not have time to soak it all in & form judgements against 1 person from the other.

But if I'm fighting with my boyfriend & venting to my best friend whose been "caught up" on all the drama from day 1, she's probably gonna naturally side with me most of the time simply b/c she's only heard my version of things. Plus, since she knows everything from the beginning, she's already had time to form a judgement/bias.

I swear I get more clear advice from those I have to explain everything to from the beginning. Sometimes even getting advice from those who don't know you as well is the best policy too b/c them not knowing you or the person you're venting about that well, gives them the opportunity to see things more clearly---they can see the bigger picture. They have no emotional attachment to either person in the situation so it's easier for them to give more clear advice.

Really you shouldn't tell your man that you are getting advice from your friends. Unless these single people fell from another planet and had no perspective or past relationships, they are good to give advice. Oldest line in the book from men that see you shifting to self esteem, "They are single for a reason." The only group of people you shouldnt seek advice from married, relationship or single is UNHAPPY and MISERABLE people.

Posted by dayssunny
Really you shouldn't tell your man that you are getting advice from your friends. Unless these single people fell from another planet and had no perspective or past relationships, they are good to give advice. Oldest line in the book from men that see you shifting to self esteem, "They are single for a reason." The only group of people you shouldnt seek advice from married, relationship or single is UNHAPPY and MISERABLE people.

I agree that men are quick to use that line, BUT if your man is wrong & has a biased opinion towards the person you got advice from, that's when you should get your man straight & make sure he gives credit where credit is due. For all he knows, the person giving you advice may actually know what they're talking about & it wouldn't be fair for him to automatically criticize someone whose genuinely just trying to "help" all b/c they're technically single.

BUT
I do agree that you shouldn't rub it up in your man's face whatever your friends have told you, especially if you're only relaying the negative things they've had to say. This only makes him take away the credibility from your friends; he will no longer trust your friends or YOUR judgement when you're around them if every time they give you advice, you're always taking bits & pieces of the negative things they said & using it against him during an argument/disagreement.

Plus, doing so makes a man feel that he has no power or doesn't have his own judgement. There's nothing worse than thinking your partner's friends think for them. If your gonna relay back to your partners what your friends have to say, you should include the good AND the bad things they've said, not just the bad. If it's just the bad, it gives a man an excuse to say, "She only knows 1 side of the story" or "She doesn't know me so how can she give you advice!" Ugh, I hate it when someone pulls the "You don't know me" line as if you have to know someone for 30 years just to be able to get a general concensus of their character!

Posted by krysrenee7

Posted by dayssunny
Really you shouldn't tell your man that you are getting advice from your friends. Unless these single people fell from another planet and had no perspective or past relationships, they are good to give advice. Oldest line in the book from men that see you shifting to self esteem, "They are single for a reason." The only group of people you shouldnt seek advice from married, relationship or single is UNHAPPY and MISERABLE people.

I agree that men are quick to use that line, BUT if your man is wrong & has a biased opinion towards the person you got advice from, that's when you should get your man straight & make sure he gives credit where credit is due. For all he knows, the person giving you advice may actually know what they're talking about & it wouldn't be fair for him to automatically criticize someone whose genuinely just trying to "help" all b/c they're technically single.

BUT
I do agree that you shouldn't rub it up in your man's face whatever your friends have told you, especially if you're only relaying the negative things they've had to say. This only makes him take away the credibility from your friends; he will no longer trust your friends or YOUR judgement when you're around them if every time they give you advice, you're always taking bits & pieces of the negative things they said & using it against him during an argument/disagreement.

Plus, doing so makes a man feel that he has no power or doesn't have his own judgement. There's nothing worse than thinking your partner's friends think for them. If your gonna relay back to your partners what your friends have to say, you should include the good AND the bad things they've said, not just the bad. If it's just the bad, it gives a man an excuse to say, "She only knows 1 side of the story" or "She doesn't know me so how can she give you advice!" Ugh, I hate it when someone pulls the "You don't know me" line as if you have to know someone for 30 years just to be able to get a general concensus of their character!

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Yup I agree with you

Good points! I was thinking about that yesterday!

A friend of mine is always so quick to say, "Well he/she doesn't know the whole story so you can't judge me" & this annoys me simply b/c I know people use that line to avoid hearing the truth or to avoid accepting that some people know ENOUGH in order to make clear judgments about certain situations. We don't have to know every little detail just to get a general concensus of what's going on.

BUT you're right. Sometimes people purposely word their situations in a way that automatically places them in the right & the other person in the wrong. People absolutely do 1. Go to the people that are the most likely to side with them regardless of what's said AND 2. They word things in a way so that the other person listening will automatically be in their favor.

So I guess technically, there really is no clear way to give anyone advice unless we've heard from ALL sides--and let's just be real, trying to get too involved just to hear everyone's side of the story might not be a good move, especially since all others might purposely leave out things or purposely word things in a way to gain favor.

And especially when it comes to relationships, we've gotta be careful of 2 couples who are fighting to make sure everyone hears their side of the story. It just gets worse b/c the focus is no longer on the issue but instead moreso on who can get to everyone's ears first.

That's why I generally try to "Stay out of it" when couples come to me about their problems. I'll give very general advice, but I won't make it personal to the point where I'm pointing fingers at anyone. The only way I'll get very personal is if I can see that both people are both willing to open up, be HONEST & are truly seeking and/or are open to receiving help.

I think its important for the advice giver to know the differences between advice, instruction, and tip.

When the advice giver lets his/her advice set softly he/she is allowing his recipient to dwell upon her own inquiries. He/She may find her own conclusion to the proper course of action.

When the advice giver gives with a hammer and nail he/she is not allowing him/her to think for herself because its been bashed onto the forehead. The advice is nowhere inside and it hurts.

I've noticed that when alot of people vent, they're really talking to themselves. If we all listen carefully to what they're saying, 99% of the time they've answered their own question and/or solved their own problem. When people get mad enough, they're intellect comes out. They'll start blurting out those clever little psychology/relationship quotes that are usually spoken from the person actually giving the advice. By the time someone is done going off/venting & once they've finally asked for my advice, I love mentioning to them that they've already solved their own problem, answered their own questions and/or put the pieces together. But hey, some people get relief in just talking out their problems to others, even if they just want you to listen & not say anything

Thank you, thank you , thank you K7!!!! I was beginning to think that I was the only one who shared that philosophy/truth. I'll admit, it is nice to vent to those that can relate and know that you know the answer to your own vent...ya know? The difficult part for most is that when the pieces are FINALLY put together.....what's looking back at them is the truth and some have trouble accepting that. *sigh*

Posted by Amandus
I think its important for the advice giver to know the differences between advice, instruction, and tip.

When the advice giver lets his/her advice set softly he/she is allowing his recipient to dwell upon her own inquiries. He/She may find her own conclusion to the proper course of action.

When the advice giver gives with a hammer and nail he/she is not allowing him/her to think for herself because its been bashed onto the forehead. The advice is nowhere inside and it hurts.

Agreed. They need to be aware of what they should do, but in a way where they can make the own decision for themselves so they learn and grow from it. Also people hate to be told what to do. They're definitely not going to listen to you if you say "you need to do this" and force it on them. I notice a lot of Taurus do that. Very tactless and leaves the recepient pissed and wanting to do the exact opposite. The point of advice giving is not to put your own view on others, but to guide them in the right direction so that they can take what they know and who they are and apply to their own situation. What works for you may not work for them