This might sound weird... but I need help in it.

Hello all!!
Its nice meeting you all, I have been reading a lot on forums from past few days and
Its great to see such thing exist, something like this forum. I was wandering and searching around for cousin marriages over the internet and I am glad that I found this place. It feels much warmer here.
Well, what I am about to write is not a complaint....its just a... just a vent, to open up my emotions under the thick and comfortable sheet of anonymity. I so love internet for this, anonymity. However parital it may seem, it is still there.

As you see, it is well difficult for me to put these all things out to the people those surround me, I think I have found a perfect place to say open up.
I am quite sensitive, shy and most of the time backstage boy, 21 years old. Not quite older hmmm? 🙂, maybe not.

From where I should begin?
I knew her from my childhood as my little bright, brilliant and intelligent sister, who scored 1st rank in her district in school and now studies in one of the top colleges of engineering in our country. She has got an amazing drive of doing something once she decides and she is quite of an extrovert.
Its not like I kept myself very much in contact with her, but just a little. We would see each other once or twice a year and talk on phone very formally.

When we were children however, we used to play lots of games together, hide and seek and things like that, we both loved it. But since last 4 years, we had lost contacts since our educational stuff and things.

I know her, she would do anything to make her parents or the persons those surround her happy.

But,

On Oct.2012, she came to our home with her mom just for a visit. On the second day, we both were roaming the city, I was showing city to her around since it was large gap I saw her last time.. she was very happy at that time, chatting all the time, giggling and I was feeling great too, to have such a cool girl in our family. I was like "how is your college life and stuff... " and things went on. I study in engineering to, 3 years senior to but in different college.

Suddenly she asks me "you know, my sister did love marriage" I had said yeah, I know "do you know how much stress it created at our home?" I nodded, she continued "my dad would not sleep at night and there were constant quarrels within the home, I hated to see my parents like that" I nodded again, as I really did not know what to say on it.. and then she said "I want to tell you something but

I was like "Try me, how can I get angry on a girl like you?" she said "No, I still don't want to tell you that" I said "Now, you really gotta tell me what you have got in your mind" she refuses again. I let go of the subject. Meanwhile, we discuss about the love marriage her sister has done in last month, she tells me how depressed her parents were due to that and how much stress they were facing due to her older sister's love marriage, it was all because her parents didn't know the boy she mas marrying to. I nodded.
Then again I ask her about what she was about to tell me.. she says "you know I am your maternal cross cousin" I nodded, she said again "I think we should do it" I said "what we should do?" she tells me in a low voice "we should marry each other" I got shocked, speechless for next 3 minutes. She says, its okay its okay if you don't agree with me.... I said, yes I don't agree with you. Her face falls and she looked so sad instantly that it was pain to me to see her. She stayed like that for next two days, asking me same question again and again, I was finding difficult each time to say no to her.

She went to her home after 3 days having received my 'no'. I called her on 4th day and asked her how things are going with her.. she said she was not able to study and was feeling depressed and like she has lost the cause and will to live, she told me that she loved me from her childhood but never had a nerve to tell me so. Things were getting really nasty for me, I was feeling terrible for him and knowing that I am the cause of it was the most scary thing. I talked to her for 1 hour that day on phone.. she sounded very defeated and withdrawn in life.
Then for that night, I thought lets put all the burdon aside and lets think of her as a soulmate. I liked the idea. Next day I called her and told her that we would test each other for next 4 months to see how we go, "since I considered you as my sister, it will take time for me to change my feelings towards you." She said its okay.
Months passed by we were getting along together pretty well, though there was me suspecting that she is sacrificing herself over me due to her parents. I asked her many times about that, even made her swear, she did all that and said me that really she is not sacrificing herself over me. I got convinced.

Once we were close and friendly enough she told me about her 'best friend'. He was in the same class as she was and was of her age, kickboxer, who was also in the top institute and who loved her too... she told me she never committed him but it was just an affair.. I accepted it, I said "its okay, afterall you cant live alone all the time" She smiled and nodded she said "I feel bad for leaving him, he had fought with his family for me(his parents were in disagreement with having marriage with her) " I asked her then why you got broke up? she said "I am still in contact with him as a friend, but its pain to him.. I told him that I am not interested in him since I have found you" I felt terrible again.

From the brother's point of view, I would think, he is such a nice boy and she likes him too, so its a good couple of them, if he can fight with his family for her, he is a potential partner.
But since now my viewpoint is changed, I do comparison between him and myself since its about my beloved cousin. He is more smarter that me, much well built, studies in much much much better college than mine and loves her as a lover.. in contrast with me, I study in so-so college, trying to change my feelings towards her, not much of a bodybuilder and stuff like that, shallow in attitude and rather shy.

All the time I found myself thinking that if I had done right saying her yes or not.

Her happines is of utmost important to me, and I just cant let her get some cheap deal because of my stupidity. Honestly, I think she should go with him instead of me, I told her like that in person but she refused and said "I liked him, but I love you, I trust whatever you are and whatever you might become in your life, I am with you"

I really don't know what is going down her mind and I don't want to hurt her at all, its just me trying to give her best of life.
I strongly feel that she is sacrificing herself over me for the sake of her parents that they at least know me in person... I feel sick when I think of this.. though she never admits that she is sacrificing herself, I still strongly feel that she is.

Oh and it is valid in our culture to marry with your maternal cross cousin, though I always treated her as a sister.

Long story short:
Boy does not know whether the girl truly loves him or is just sacrificing herself over him even when she has a better choice, just for the sake of her parents and to satisfy them that she married to someone they know, not like her elder sister who did love marriage and hurt them (its stupid, I know). However, show never admits that she is doing a sacrifice, she always says that she loves me and loved me all the way from childhood. Honestly, I don't quite believe her, since we were not much in contact and the contact that happened was shortly after her sister's marriage.
As a brother's point of view, I feel she should really go with her friend and live happily ignoring her parents. But as stubborn and determined she is, I really don't now what it is.

There are two choices in front of me,
to say her no again and believe my judgement over what she says and keep her as my sister
OR
continue with yes and take the risk of her sacrifice.
Modify message

Posted by ninjutsu
What does maternal 'cross' cousin mean exactly? You two aren't first cousins, are you?

Its the weird part. It means my mother's brother's daughter.

Posted by feby16aqua

Posted by ninjutsu
What does maternal 'cross' cousin mean exactly? You two aren't first cousins, are you?

The child of his mother's brother it sounds like...

click to expand

Yup! you are right! I did lots of research around it and found that bible permits such relationship and most of the other religions, though I am not that religious, these facts caught my attention.
As an addon, Einsstein married his cousin and so did Charles Darwin and I remember something about George washington too.
Anyways, she is important to me.

Posted by ninjutsu
What does maternal 'cross' cousin mean exactly? You two aren't first cousins, are you?

They ARE first cousins, yes. To be more specific, the girl here is his mother's brother's daughter... very common in many cultures.

Also, we are thinking of adopting an orphan baby and raise it as our own, she says we want to live different life than most people, I am absolutely with her in this regard and maybe we are about to establish a NGO(Non Government Organisation) to help people around soon.
Oh and she is a Leo! A bright confidant and brilliant loving girl, the ultimate one.
Yeah I agree its kind of up-down relationship. When its good, its too good and when its bad, its really really bad that I doubt I was once that happy : ). She has got mars in 12th house and she has an intense drive of doing something she once decides, I am in totally awe of her.

Posted by xygeneration
If you don't have the romantic feelings for her don't do it. If ot doesn't feel right don't do it. She might be under pressured bc of circumstance in her family.

Exactly, thats what I think. But she says so clearly and refuses furiously whenever I ask her if she is really under pressure of anyone or not. Anyway, she is not easy to pressurise, even by her parents.. I know : ).
Previously, I was void of romantic feelings for her, except the 'old brother's care' one.. but now since I am really starting to like her, there are few which I suspect will grow if I let them to.
What do you think? it needs time or should I tell her quickly before she involves in me too much?? that step has crossed since she have my yes, but she asks me occasionly if its alright with me.. not seriously though, more in a joking way but I know she wants to dig out more.
And yes, as experianced by many Pisces-Leo copules, communication is quite tedious, its just a little bit hard to establish a link but once it happens, its good.

Posted by CluelessCancer
You can't date her and just experience being with her without marriage? That's a huge step. Look I've had crushes on boys I grew up with so she could be truly in love with you, but she might have put you on a pedestal, you're thinking logically, she is thinking emotionally...why you need to DATE ONE ANOTHER so you can both see the REAL you!

^^^ Yes !!! It like this !!! ^^^

Posted by feby16aqua
J'avais aucune idee ca veut dire belier, et maintainent je le sais.

Ouais tu piges ! 😉

Posted by xygeneration
What does your family think about your union?

They dont know yet. They are still in total dark about this.. *shudders*

Posted by CluelessCancer
You can't date her and just experience being with her without marriage? That's a huge step. Look I've had crushes on boys I grew up with so she could be truly in love with you, but she might have put you on a pedestal, you're thinking logically, she is thinking emotionally...why you need to DATE ONE ANOTHER so you can both see the REAL you!

Are you saying that I should date another girl and try to see how do I react in that situation? sorry, but I am just not getting what you are trying to say..

Posted by xygeneration
Do you think they will approve?

Honestly I dont know their reaction.. maybe my mom will be with me and I dont know about my dad.
Also, according to local astrology, she has got 'mars blemish' in her chart and hence she is supposed to marry the one who is also having 'mars blemish' in his chart to nullify it's effect. Now, we both dont much give stuff to it but still her parents do.
It is said and believed that if the person with mars blemish marries with a non-blemish person, there occures stressful relationship between those two and often early death of spouse(non-blmished one mostly). We both dont believe this much. Understanding can make things happen, this is what we know.
But still, it is going to be a hurdle.
In short, I think, No, they are not going to approve it. Its like I will have her mother+my mother in our side and everyone else in the family on the opposite.

Oh, and I dont have that 'mars blemish' stuff but she does.

Posted by Jynja
Psycho, have you thought about the possibility of falling in love with a woman later in life? Or the Leo abandoning you? Have you asked her how she will feel if you met someone else? Will she agree to share you?

I will just not fall for any other woman, she is lot for me already.. a dream girl.
Though,
Yes, I have considered that possibility,surprisingly she was the one to bought up that subject, it was an effort for her, I can tell. "if you ever like a girl in your life, you gotta tell me first..." but before that she said "I will kill you if you like somebody else than me" ofcourse in a joking way, but being her a leo, I know what that means.
She will never agree to share me. The same way, she would never abandon me, this I know. She stated it herself when I questioned about my ability she had said once, twice and trice.. "will you be able to feed me for the two times in a day?""Then thats it." I was stunned and unsure what to say that time.

Posted by SilentPsycho

Posted by Jynja
Psycho, have you thought about the possibility of falling in love with a woman later in life? Or the Leo abandoning you? Have you asked her how she will feel if you met someone else? Will she agree to share you?

I will just not fall for any other woman, she is lot for me already.. a dream girl.
Though,
Yes, I have considered that possibility,surprisingly she was the one to bought up that subject, it was an effort for her, I can tell. "if you ever like a girl in your life, you gotta tell me first..." but before that she said "I will kill you if you like somebody else than me" ofcourse in a joking way, but being her a leo, I know what that means.
She will never agree to share me. The same way, she would never abandon me, this I know. She stated it herself when I questioned about my ability she had said once, twice and trice.. "will you be able to feed me for the two times in a day?""Then thats it." I was stunned and unsure what to say that time.

click to expand

She sounds really lovely !

Posted by Jynja
Please explain the Mars blemish? Please, pretty please 🙂

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangal_Dosha
There you go 🙂

Posted by xygeneration
Is it worth it to go through the stresses if you aren't inlove with her? You're forcing yourself to like this woman bc you feel guilty or believe you have some kind of duty you need to fulfill for her.

If it was 3 months ago, I would have agreed that I am not involved with her in a lover's relationship, but now I think, I am.. it might be just an infatuation, but still there is something.
Yes and you are figuring out this quite correctly, I am getting astonished. I dont feel guilty about her.. but I might feel guilty if I fail to keep her happy or if I overlooked the fact that she might be sacrificing herself.

Posted by WoundedLeo
Hello Psycho, I'm intrigued by your tale but also somewhat confused. Your story was a bit long and I got a lost with the details so forgive me if you already answered some of the questions I'm asking below.

I come from a culture where it is not uncommon to marry one's first cousin. In fact, my maternal grandparents were first cousins. So, your story doesn't really shock me as such.

I'd like to better understand your situation and so I have a few questions:

1) After all is said and done with this complex story, do you harbor feelings of love toward your cousin that you feel would give way toward marrying her?

2) If yes, do you think that she could forgive your earlier confusion and say yes to a marriage proposal on your part?

3) How old are you? How old is she? Are you both finished with your studies and in a position to marry and move on to the
"next step" so to speak? I know that these are important issues in traditional cultures.

4) Would your parents be open to a marriage between the two of you?

Hi, nice to meet you. You really dont need to ask for anything 🙂 I know its quite long 🙂
1)Yes. There are those feelings now, definitely, because when she had first asked me about this.. I was like a BIG NO. But now, I just cant imagine myself without her.

2)Yes, she would do that, she had done that already.. she said she got very angry and very upsate when she discovered that I treat her more like a sister but then I had said to her "its default, you are family afterall!"

3)Pretty young 🙂 I am 21 and she is one year younger than me, we are not going to marry right now but it was necessary for her to be sure because she had to choose between either her friend or me. She chose me.
And ofcourse, we are going to complete our studies first and marriage is still another 4-6 years later thing.

4)I dont really think they would be open, only the persons I am sure are moms and might my dad, but everyone else, in the opposite.

Posted by David13

Posted by SilentPsycho

Posted by Jynja
Psycho, have you thought about the possibility of falling in love with a woman later in life? Or the Leo abandoning you? Have you asked her how she will feel if you met someone else? Will she agree to share you?

I will just not fall for any other woman, she is lot for me already.. a dream girl.
Though,
Yes, I have considered that possibility,surprisingly she was the one to bought up that subject, it was an effort for her, I can tell. "if you ever like a girl in your life, you gotta tell me first..." but before that she said "I will kill you if you like somebody else than me" ofcourse in a joking way, but being her a leo, I know what that means.
She will never agree to share me. The same way, she would never abandon me, this I know. She stated it herself when I questioned about my ability she had said once, twice and trice.. "will you be able to feed me for the two times in a day?""Then thats it." I was stunned and unsure what to say that time.

She sounds really lovely !

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Thanks for comment : ) yeah, she is.

Posted by SilentPsycho

Posted by xygeneration
Is it worth it to go through the stresses if you aren't inlove with her? You're forcing yourself to like this woman bc you feel guilty or believe you have some kind of duty you need to fulfill for her.

If it was 3 months ago, I would have agreed that I am not involved with her in a lover's relationship, but now I think, I am.. it might be just an infatuation, but still there is something.
Yes and you are figuring out this quite correctly, I am getting astonished. I dont feel guilty about her.. but I might feel guilty if I fail to keep her happy or if I overlooked the fact that she might be sacrificing herself.

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She is not being open enough, according to me.. or it is just me who thinks she is doing sacrifice all the time.
I had asked her zillions of times, and made her swear and what not and every single time she told me that its not about her parents and she is not sacrificing herself over me because of them.

Posted by geminicandle
Am I the only one who is absolutely repulsed by this idea of blood cousins marrying each other?It is disgusting.

This is due to belief systems you were raised to believe in your youth. Suspecting Christianity at play... the supposed Adam and Eve had many children... none of them even had cousins. Marrying first cousins used to be more common... to keep power in royalty... to keep wealth in the family... among other reasons. It was even common in the US until around the civil war. It is likely we all have ancestors that were the offspring of cousins... and if you buy the Adam and Eve story... brother and sisters as well.

Posted by SilentPsycho

Posted by Jynja
Please explain the Mars blemish? Please, pretty please 🙂

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mangal_Dosha
There you go 🙂

click to expand

Ahhh... Vedic Astrology. I visited Mumbai for a week once... I loved it !

Posted by WoundedLeo
Hi again! Thanks for the answers. This clears things up a lot.

Well since both of you seem definitely open to being romantically involved with one another and it is not culturally unacceptable, this is rather positive.

Of course, the fact that you are both quite young means that time will be a key factor as well. In a sense, this could be a positive test to see if your mutual interest in one another will pass the "test of time".

I am still however intrigued by the fact that you feel that only your mom and dad and her mom would be potentially open to this union. Why would others be against it?

I'm also terribly curious to know which country you're from but will understand if you don't wish to divulge this information.

Well, I say so because there was a little bit nasty relationship between her father and my father long ago when they were teens, its not too much, her father still use to come at our home but my father won't talk to him at all and vice versa, that's why.
Pluse there is a HUGE chance of saying that "she has got that (stupid) mars blemish!!" But this reason I can absolutely ditch.
And I dont think my dad would like this idea, he would say "I wouldnt have minded if you have chose anyone out of the world... anyone... but 'She?' oh please!" Maybe beacuse he too finds this idea not much healthy and a little bit repulsive plus her dad and my dad are not friends either.

Posted by ninjutsu

Posted by geminicandle
Am I the only one who is absolutely repulsed by this idea of blood cousins marrying each other?It is disgusting.

I agree... I'm disturbed.

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My apologies to both of you. I was thinking of whether to let this out or not from many days, but today I just decided let it out and I posted this.. you see how hard it can be in real if it is on the DXPnet! Though, you know.. it's internet... so I believe what you might find the next day will fade the amazement and repulse of previous day.

I can absolutely understand your concerns since I was one of you before all this happened. I also got absolutely repulsed and all that stuff, even being raised in my culture, I honestly considered this practice very very uneducated and unhealthy. And to the surprise, I did not know that such practice exist before last 5 months!
But the look on her face and seeing her in depression made me think more, beyond the 'normal' if you want to say it. I was very repulsed at first, I admit. But as days passed by it got washed away, then I opened up a little bit and obsereved my surroundings, and found that "yeah, its really happening... people are doing it" Then I did some online research and found that bible permits such relationship and this realtionship does not come under 'prohibited' kind of realtionships mentioned in bible. I do not have much understanding in religions and their rules, but though I am telling you what I read around, you can simply wikipedia or google.

I think like if I have only one life and if she also has got only one life RIGHT NOW in our hands, and it is that by chance we like each other not the way we are related currently...then why not to change? This is subjected to personal opinions, and incase of me, the answer comes out to be positive.

Her strong stance, logical questioning to me even at that time when I refused, her initial anger, her sadness and her low defeated voice was absolutely devastating to me. And no, I am not 'moudling' myself to fit the frame, just to make her happy, I know if I do that, this realtionship wont last. And even if I turn her down, I know pretty sure that I will certainly not get a girl who loved me from my childhood, who will trust me upto the extent she does and who is as beautiful and great as she is. I do really f

feel that I am starting to have 'that' kind of feelings for her, and what more? there is time to take the test, but its very unlikely that we will fail it unless one of us really want to.

Oh and ofcourse there are many people who find this as incest and disgusting, you are certainly not alone. Even I was one of such untill I stared to think the other way. I dont know whether it's my pisces at play or I am plain weird, whatever it is, it is. It's one life, now or never.

I wrote this whole comment assuming that she is not making a sacrifice though.

Also, I did much much reading around and I found out that the changes of getting unhealthy child are 2% more than those couples who are not cousins. There are even genetic tests available to pre-determine if the child will have any problem in future or not, but its later thing.. there is still much to go.

And Dont worry geminicandle, you have not offeneded me since I understand its quite unusual stuff already. Its alright.

Posted by ninjutsu
Considering marrying her because you don't want to disappoint her or make her sad really isn't a good reason for it. I honestly hope you two don't bring any children into the world. Not because you're not a good person (because you do seem like a really sweet dude), but unions of this nature really do increase the risk of genetic mutation and your child would potentially be the one suffering for your love.

I konw the risk in both things, considering the first one, I am not marrying her just to make her happy but since I feel like that too.. if somehow I become sure that she is not forcing herself over me for the satisfaction of her parents.
And in the other case, yes I know that too, though internet stuff says like there is 2% risk and things like that, and she knows that too.. we both think orphan child would be a better option.

To me it sounds like it would be really easy to mistake your feelings for her as a 'sibling' and your feelings for her as a romantic partner. But, as long as you're absolutely positive you're not subconsciously deluding yourself into thinking you have romantic feelings for her when you don't...for whatever reason...then that's fine. Honestly, at your age, why pressure each other into planning out or talking about marriage? I guess it's a cultural thing, but I would be completely repulsed and astonished if someone I knew asked me for marriage, unless I had been dating them for a while. To me, that screams 'I don't want to marry you for feelings, I want to marry you for situational circumstances'. But, once again, probably a cultural thing. As long as you won't have any regrets and won't feel like you're holding her back from anything, then I guess it sounds okay to consider it for the future.

Posted by ninjutsu

Posted by geminicandle
Am I the only one who is absolutely repulsed by this idea of blood cousins marrying each other?It is disgusting.

I agree... I'm disturbed.

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I believe it is illegal here and in NZ to marry your first cousin but you can marry your second cousin because first are too close with the Brother/Sister genes and the risk of deformity in your children is high. It's considered incest.

I honestly thought that was mostly world wide...

Yeah, I just googled it and found that I was in fact wrong both in Australia and NZ...however it states that in 31 states in America it is banned or restricted.

But I recall answering a question in NZ before I got married that asked if my intended was related and I'm sure it was asking if we were first cousins...Mind you I got married back in 1989 and maybe the law changed since??

I think it's because we grow up with our cousins like siblings. They are extended family to us and I know that i made sure that my children all had a close relationship with their cousins while growing up, so that now as they are older they are still in contact with them.

But remember the "kissing cousins" I remember when I was younger having a small crush on one of my older cousins and my daughter even shared a kiss with hers when she was 8 and him 7...hehehe...all the parents found out and we totally hit the roof!!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin_marriage<BR>
Yes it is Legal...I was wrong as it's more frown upon and I did believe it was illegal.

http://www.ncsl.org/issues-research/human-services/state-laws-regarding-marriages-between-first-cousi.aspx<BR>
This site has all the states in America where it is prohibited and legal.

Makes you wonder...If you marry in a state that allows it but live in a state that doesn't allow it...are you breaking the law— Are you allowed to live in that state??

Raises a lot of questions...

DOH!!! Missed the fine print.

It's a hard thing to do...retrain your brain, when it's something that you have always believed. I know I still wouldn't be happy if any of my children and their cousins were to have a relationship and want to marry...but at the end of the day, I would deal with it if it were love.

I'm not sure it is with the OP, so I would say as someone else did. Date, marriage is not something you should rush into. Date for a year or two until you are sure. If the feelings are there you will know after spending a lot of time together.