Turning into an Angry Woman

I have a lot of anger. As of late, I have been losing more and more control of myself. I make mean comments about people who I find irritating, but I seem to find EVERYONE irritating. I made a vow the other day, "no more talking badly about people behind their backs." Don't get me wrong, when I say that I mean, "no saying things to myself or my siblings about people behind their backs." I have come to realize that I vent too much but, even worse, that I have too much to vent about.

I got an A- on my math course. I was livid because my professor wouldn't allow me to take the practice final before I took the final. I ended up bombing the final terribly with a 61% , but because my average was high enough going into the final, I ended up with a final grade of an A-.

This sent me over the edge. I began to hate everything. I hated my house, the season, the mess of papers and notebooks everywhere, the thought of clutter, the idea that children were beating up on each other and recording it, the Jehovah's Witness guy - I was just...ANGRY.

My younger brother who is also in his 20s announced to me that he was going out. The person he was to hang with was another Aries girl from campus. I angrily told him that it's not a good idea to hangout with her alone, one-on-one because she just got out of a relationship and he's sending the wrong message, yadda, blah. The idea of him hanging out made me angry.

My older brother sent me a text responding almost an entire day too late, and I sent him a snarky reply. I had the urged to pinch my cat, chop off my hair, and cut the tummy chub that seems to be trying to begin to collect around my tummy. I had asked Leo for help with my math at the end of last week, and he didn't come through. Even though I had already let him off the hook, I felt like texting him to start a fight about it. I wanted to punch the wall and I had very dark thoughts.

My face is beginning to break out, the house is a mess thanks to finals weeks, I haven't gone for a run in ages, I've missed the last week of Zumba, I'm just YUCKY.

So, naturally, I scarf brownies, eat a slice of pizza and spicy breadsticks, watch buzzfeed videos and basketball complications, and wish I could dig my fingernails into my face and tear it off.

It's well past 2AM, and I decide to head to bed. That's when I decide to engage in the secret habit. I discover some new things about my body, and then I feel light and refreshed after. I jump up and stretch and feel as though my face is relaxed - I had been scowling all day, and I didn't realize how tired I was.

I wash up, call down to my youngest brother to head to bed, and my voice is the kindest it's been all day.

That's it. I've become "that woman." That angry, bitter, sexually frustrated, stressed out woman. I think briefly about how it maybe time for me to find a man. I then think of DXP and the outrage I would read saying that - how society this, self-love that, and self-gratuitous comments detailing how they "make the single life work and love it and won't exchange it for the world," and other comments about having enough time and dildos and hands and things. But this is how I feel. A family friend's daughter just got engaged. That type of thing is generally years in the making. If I don't get serious now, I will be in my forties with no relationship future. Yadda, yadda, "you don't need a man." But *I* do. I both need AND want one regardless of your personal preference and the alternatives out there.

Then I realize that I'm mean. I've become such an angry and mean person inside, that I am dysfunctional. Even a stupid online quizzes that I took for fun said I "COULD be a psychopath" or that I'm "socially retarded." And they almost always describe me as "being difficult in relationships." I don't need the quizzes to confirm what I already know to be true about myself. I'm not saying it self-pityingly. I'm stating it matter-of-factly.

It's 4:30AM and I can't sleep. I know to work on myself and I'll attract blah, blah. But I think I'm too far gone. How can I improve on something when I have no experience? Can you really learn to be in a relationship without being on one? I have yet to meet someone I can picture myself with. I just to mesh with them as a person. That feeling of connection only happened once in my life but it ended because we because geographically challenged when he went off to uni and I traveled across the planet. But that man was the one I wanted to marry. Let me guess, you're going to tell me "if you're meant to be with each other, you will." Predictable.

Blargh. At least I'm relaxed now and my pent up energy is subsiding a bit. I have this habit of clenching my jaw subconsciously. I'm a mess.

I was just going to say you could be a psychopath lol


i hope not though.


Sorry you feel that way it's shit

Finals week can be tough. It creates added stress, hence the facial breakout and lashing out with snarky comments. Buuut you did manage to get an outstanding final grade without the help of your professor! All of this... brings you another step closer to becoming Dr. Lilly, veterinarian.

Clutter does bring down the mood. Have you ever tried organized chaos/clutter? Still stacks of papers, but neatly tucked away in a corner.

It's natural to want to look out for your younger brother, but he's a grown man now. Some things you won't be able to protect him from, but you can be there to catch him when he falls.

And with the type of semester you've had, who wouldn't indulge in brownies, pizzas, and vines??

**whispers** glad you had some kind of ahh.. satisfaction.. in the end girl. you better get it. 😄

Be encouraged, count your blessings. Some things aren't worth getting upset over.

I don't think you're angry, btw. Just human.

Midol, Wine and Tampons. Problem Solved.

i'm going to dr phil it here and say anger is a result of fear, hurt and/or frustration.

to me, it sounds like you are afraid. it's ok to be afraid. you're at a stage in your life where everything is ahead of you and you don't want to make a mistake. let me tell you, you are going to make a mistake and no matter how hard you want to control things- life, people, yourself - you're still going to fuck up. we all do.

you have to give yourself permission that whatever comes your way you are ready for it and you are. try to see the beauty in things, listen to a good uplifting song if you need to!

realise you are fortunate and at an exciting time in your life. your potential is only limited by yourself. look at the life stretched out before you. you're going to have some amazing things happen to you and every day is a new day for you where god knows where you will end up. embrace it. nothing lasts forever, this moment of your life will be gone in an instant.

"... I haven't gone for a run in ages, I've missed

the last week of Zumba"


😐

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