What could've possibly went wrong between us?

I am a girl from middle east who got engaged to a guy. It was supposed to be an arranged marriage and after the engagement, me and my fiance were allowed to talk on phone. He works in europe. Everything was going great except that sometimes my fiance was a little skeptical about me. As time passed, we developed trust and shared our feelings of love for each other. He told me that he has fallen in love with me and that he wants to make babies with me. From the day one he was very supportive in my career development and asked me multiple time to peruse higher education to which I agreed happily.

One day, out of nowhere, he said he doesn't want kids in his life because after having kids he won't be able to concentrate on his work. He is a workaholic. I completely rejected the idea saying that we can manage kids along with our careers. He was stubborn so I gave him a week to think over his decision. During that entire week, he was very cold towards me and didn't call me a single time. I kept texting him that no matter what decision he takes, I will stick by him. A week later when he called, he told me that he will only marry me if I agree to go for sterilization procedure as a contraceptive measure. I was shattered. How could he expect me to give up my femininity for the sake of his career.

I snub him and out of anger I told him that I would agree to his condition if he agrees to pay me half of his wealth incase we split up after marriage. I know that was a lame and cynical demand of mine, but I never meant it. It was just out of anger. Anyway our conversation got heated up (yes I got rude) and he went offline for a week with no contact at all. A week later he wrote me a long text that we are breaking up and that he cannot put his 30 years of effort at stake. I apologized multiple times and said that I am okay with not having kids but we should not split up. We will sort out our problems together but he wasn't ready to discuss anything.

I decided to give him some time and space so I went no contact for a week. A week later when I called him, he said he cannot marry me because we have different goals in life but we should stay friends. I tried to convince him very calmly but he didn't agree. At that time I thought that his mind is a little unstable about kids so I should wait, may be things will get better. But since I loved him, I decided not to leave him. Anyway, we kept talking for a week but he remained stubborn and said that he doesn't love me anymore (although a week before the breakup he promised me that he would never leave me no matter what and that he loves me from the core of his heart).

During this one week of conversation, he told me that he got very hurt by my reaction and that he will never come back to me. He also mentioned that he met another girl at his workplace during the period he went offline and that he has fallen for that girl. He told me that that girl is amazing and that I wasn't sincere bla bla bla....

He said that the new girl has a very bright career and he loves her because of that and that I am lazy and I don't have any career goals (which is not true as I am a graduate of No. 1 ranked engineering University of my country and also I've been nominated and sponsored twice by my university to represent my country at international platforms). He says that the new girl has nothing to do with our breakup and she came into his life after he had decided to break up with me. He also mentioned that the breakup is all my fault and that I should regret it because I ruined our relationship with my own hands. And he kept praising her and I was much hurt so I reminded him of the promises that he made to me which pissed him off and he blocked me everywhere (phone, whatsapp, viber, facebook). He unblocked me 4 days later but I didn't text. And I never will.

Also, in our last conversation he said that since I am from a troubled family, I don't have the courage to face the difficulties of life and that I am not hardworking and all I want in life is money. I don't think any of this is true because when I chose to marry him I had other options but I never considered his financial background. Moreover he is not rich. He is just an average guy in terms of finances but yes he has a bright career and he can make money.

What bugs me now is that if someone claims to love you, is it possible for him to forget you so quickly? Was it really my fault? He could've discussed the problem with me but he didn't. Yes I was rude but his demand was not easy for me to absorb quickly. Had he given me some time and the liberty to make free decision, I would've chosen him over kids. Does every guy dumps his fiance if she gets rude with him for the first time? Was it because I failed to make him sure that I am a hard worker and that I am not after his money? Or is it because he has found another girl?

Also, he has a 41 year old unmarried sister and in our community sometimes, men are made to marry girls in exchange with the girl's brothers getting married to that man's sisters (X marries Y's sister and Y marries X's sister) 😛 My fiance (ex) once told me that he has such offer. Now when I think about the past, sometimes I feel as if he has done all this for his sister so that she can get married.

I don't know whats going on in his mind. Is he abnormal or something? he always sounded amazing to me. Ye he used to be a little cynical during our conversations but then everyone has some cons and nobody is perfect. When I read our previous chats, I sometimes feel that yes maybe it was my fault. I should've handled things more sensibly. those conversations sometimes make me think so low of myself. I want to get over him and I have decided never to reconcile with him because he doesn't deserve me but sometimes his past conversations make me feel like it was all my fault.

Did you ever meet him?

Posted by pinkbird03
Did you ever meet him?

Of course.

You have a lot going for you! You can find a better guy! I don't think it's all your fault. He is extremely selfish and arrogant. You don't want that in life. Plus you want kids. He doesn't and that's a deal breaker. Believe you don't want this guy either. I'd even tell him that and be mean since he was an absolute jerk by saying you have all these flaws. Point his out and act like you're the happiest you've ever been now that it's over.

While I was reading your story, and you spoke of his sudden change in attitude as well as his completely unreasonable request, I knew right away that he had found another girl.

Please oh please!! Forget him and move on. Tell your parents that you don't want to through with it and tell them why.

As a middle eastern man, if you push things and end up married he will take his aggressions out on you. He would cheat, be cruel, make unreasonable demands or maybe even beat you. SO DON'T DO IT!!

Posted by SpiceNSugar
While I was reading your story, and you spoke of his sudden change in attitude as well as his completely unreasonable request, I knew right away that he had found another girl.

Please oh please!! Forget him and move on. Tell your parents that you don't want to through with it and tell them why.

As a middle eastern man, if you push things and end up married he will take his aggressions out on you. He would cheat, be cruel, make unreasonable demands or maybe even beat you. SO DON'T DO IT!!

Agreed... Run while u can!!!!!

Wow something different for once

Nevermind, I take my previous comment back

He will have her pregnant within 6 months and be miserable. You will end up in a better place than him.

Posted by ElleDuMonde
Just curious....what are your sun signs?

I am a cancer, He is Virgo.

Posted by TheGirl

He also mentioned that the breakup is all my fault and that I should regret it because I ruined our relationship with my own hands.

And he is correct.

You are regretting it. You are the one here in distress you regret it so bad.

He made sure to lay heavy duty guilt trips onto you, to make damn sure you take full responsibility.

And it has worked. You have taken your proper place behind a man, as your culture would dictate.



So, it all boils down to the same for all women in your culture ... suck it up, and take your place without complaint. Why are you here? If you want to make a difference for the sake of what should be the rights of women being equal, then take the proper stand for it.

coming here to whine and cry, while doing nothing about being oppressed .... only serves to instill further, rather than expel it. Which of course, you can't.

So, move out of the country. Move to a place where you can have rights to speak and be taken seriously.

if you don't do that ... then you're just bitching and complaining without having any intentions of helping yourself.

But, I was raised to be an equal ... so, my ability to relate from experience is very limited

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by TheGirl

He also mentioned that the breakup is all my fault and that I should regret it because I ruined our relationship with my own hands.

And he is correct.

You are regretting it. You are the one here in distress you regret it so bad.

He made sure to lay heavy duty guilt trips onto you, to make damn sure you take full responsibility.

And it has worked. You have taken your proper place behind a man, as your culture would dictate.



So, it all boils down to the same for all women in your culture ... suck it up, and take your place without complaint. Why are you here? If you want to make a difference for the sake of what should be the rights of women being equal, then take the proper stand for it.

coming here to whine and cry, while doing nothing about being oppressed .... only serves to instill further, rather than expel it. Which of course, you can't.

So, move out of the country. Move to a place where you can have rights to speak and be taken seriously.

if you don't do that ... then you're just bitching and complaining without having any intentions of helping yourself.

But, I was raised to be an equal ... so, my ability to relate from experience is very limited

click to expand

Well the thing is, we are not here to blame the cultures. The point of coming on this forum was to actually see how many people break off their relationships if the partner gets rude or doesn't agree with you on something. The dumper always has a reason and if its not a solid one, the dumpee feels the same way I am feeling. No matter what place of the world you live in, you have to put in some effort into the relationship. And putting effort doesn't make anyone oppressed. No relationship works without that.

See my ex lives in Europe. I can easily blame the European culture he has been living in since past 6 years for his doings. But NO. I won't do that because I understand that its an individual's fault not the culture's fault. There are cheaters in the east and there are cheaters in the west. That has got nothing to do with the culture.

As for the people criticizing arrange marriages :/ yes my parents found this guy from all potential candidates but the I was not being forced to marry him against my will. We talked and shared our ideas before the commitment and when we both found each other compatible, we went for the official thing.

Every person no matter where he lives would experience the same feeling if he/she has been dumped for such a stupid reason. He will ponder what could've went wrong. This has nothing to do with cultures. So please stop the bias.

OP, the truht is, he fell in love with somebody else, and they will have a child in the future (or he will have with somebody else)

he requested you a sterilization, because he knew you will not do it.... he was doing extreme measures just because he wanted to you dump him not him you..... so he wouldnt feel guilty

forget him, all his unreasonable demands are not connected to his work.... he doesnt want to marry you

in no case do the sterilization! no way!! and maybe go to the next level of your studies to Europe? just to show him? (I mean, you must be suffering now, just fantasies a bit about all this scenerios, what you would do and how to show him, you are the best - the pain will pass eventually.... just be active and dont contact him anymore, he offended you very deeply I think

Posted by Pandora101
OP, the truht is, he fell in love with somebody else, and they will have a child in the future (or he will have with somebody else)

he requested you a sterilization, because he knew you will not do it.... he was doing extreme measures just because he wanted to you dump him not him you..... so he wouldnt feel guilty

forget him, all his unreasonable demands are not connected to his work.... he doesnt want to marry you

in no case do the sterilization! no way!! and maybe go to the next level of your studies to Europe? just to show him? (I mean, you must be suffering now, just fantasies a bit about all this scenerios, what you would do and how to show him, you are the best - the pain will pass eventually.... just be active and dont contact him anymore, he offended you very deeply I think

Thanks for the thumbs up 🙂 Yeah I am surely gonna do that 🙂

Posted by TheGirl

Well the thing is, we are not here to blame the cultures.

Who is this "we" you are talking about?

So, you have multiple people inside of your head? ... or are you talking for other people?

But, you (all) are here to blame him for you being such a douchebag that you want to chase a cheater.

If it's not your culture's fault for you being so stupid about relationships, then it must be just you who is this ridiculous.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by TheGirl

Well the thing is, we are not here to blame the cultures.

Who is this "we" you are talking about?

So, you have multiple people inside of your head? ... or are you talking for other people?

But, you (all) are here to blame him for you being such a douchebag that you want to chase a cheater.

If it's not your culture's fault for you being so stupid about relationships, then it must be just you who is this ridiculous.

click to expand

I could've targeted YOU directly, but I chose not to do that. "WE" is a general term.

Never mind. I am in no mood to start any political discussion here. If you want to do that, you may please use some other appropriate forum.

Posted by TheGirl

I am in no mood to start any political discussion here. If you want to do that, you may please use some other appropriate forum.

Political discussion?

You're not just an ordinary dumbass, are you?

You're the real McCoy .... you can't even get simple shit.



Here's the deal, and you can copy it and go find someone to interpret it for you, since you obviously lack enough brain cells to put it all together ....



He's playing you like a fiddle ... and you're fool enough to go chase after him, playing right into his hands. He was correct when he said that you would rue the day that you didn't obey him ..... and right on cue, here you are regretting your choices.

You are so weak and pathetic that you even stated that you wouldn't have kids, just for him to want you.

You aren't looking for a discussion ... you are looking for people to tell you ways to win him back, because in your small mind, you believe crumbs are gold nuggets.



You really are this small of a person, with little, if any, pride honor and dignity. A righteous woman who is confident and strong would laugh and walk away from a loser. Whereas you ... you want to whine, moan and cry because the loser doesn't want you.



Here you are ... presenting yourself as being deserving of a loser, and you're too stupid to realize it.



You're the one who made sure to mention that this is an arranged marriage ... I guess you were just looking for someone to mention it so you could argue against it like a child.

Posted by SpiceNSugar
While I was reading your story, and you spoke of his sudden change in attitude as well as his completely unreasonable request, I knew right away that he had found another girl.

Please oh please!! Forget him and move on. Tell your parents that you don't want to through with it and tell them why.

As a middle eastern man, if you push things and end up married he will take his aggressions out on you. He would cheat, be cruel, make unreasonable demands or maybe even beat you. SO DON'T DO IT!!

This.

That is probably why he made such an unreasonable request of you going through sterilization. He was expecting you to refuse and break it off with him and when you didn't he had no other choice but to end it himself. You are much better off w/o this guy. He's completely mean, selfish and rude. Good riddance

Update:

We talked two days ago via text messages. He apologized for his rudeness and said that he wants to stay friends with me. None of us talked about reconciliation. Moreover, when he was told about my new promotion at work, he sounded very excited. I don't know what he is up to :/ He is all after my career and stuff and doesn't care about my feelings. Or may be he wants to be with an independent confident woman, which I am but he failed to realize that over phone. His mistake. Our relationship was personal not a professional one :/