Scorpios and privacy in marriage/relationship

Now that we're married, my husband thinks that there should be no need for any privacy from each other. I've always been a little bit squirrely about privacy -- not because I have anything to hide, it's more the philosophical concept of every human having a right to even just a bit of privacy. I see it as a basic fundamental need, like food, safety, dignity, etc.

When we first started dating, he was super careful to not overstep personal boundaries or seem at all pressuring/controlling. He was so paranoid about seeming overbearing.

Now that we're married, that has completely changed lol. He has no problem rooting around my drawers, mail, side of the room for whatever he needs. Whereas I couldn't imagine doing that to him without asking his permission first, or just asking him to look through his stuff himself whenever to find whatever. But he tells me to feel free to do so.

He uses my personal products without asking, which he never did before marriage. I asked him if I could use his stuff if I needed, and he was baffled that I felt the need to even ask.

Now he gave me all his passwords and wants mine. And he wants us to create a joint email account. I objected to that, and he asked what I had to hide. I told him the truth, that sometimes my close friends email me personal things that I have to keep confidential. And that I plan future gifts/surprises for him in my email. This, he understood.

We already have a joint bank account and family plans for everything, but he wants absolutely everything shared, since as he puts it, "You are completely mine, and I am completely yours. What belongs to you belongs to me and vice versa".


I thought Scorpios were supposed to be privacy fiends (like me, though I'm a Libra). In the context of a serious relationship or marriage, does your outlook on privacy change?

Well it's two people sharing a common universe now 🙂. Two people coming together as one. 🙂

Boundaries would be..more softer.

Congratulations on the marriage! 🙂

You sound exactly like my Libra girlfriend and myself. Accept we're not married. Our privacy issues are about things like Facebook. I offered her my password, she said no. I asked if she had anything to hide. Wow... this is an interesting read. Can you explain what you're feeling about all of this?

If he's like me, and in this scenario it appears we think along the same line, he's completely obsessed with you. He feels that you are no longer two people. You've become one. Should your right hand hide what it does from the left? This may seem a bit crazy. I'm starting to realize that my gf needs a little privacy. I don't feel I need it at all. She always asks for stuff at my house and I always tell her she doesn't have to ask, my stuff is hers. Still, she asks anyways. I've never done this with anyone before. I usually NEED privacy and my own space. With her, and I'm sure with you too, it's because he views you as his everything. Remember, when he says you are his now, he means it both ways. He's giving his stuff (passwords, access to his things) because he has given his entire self to you.

Posted by Shruikan
You sound exactly like my Libra girlfriend and myself. Accept we're not married. Our privacy issues are about things like Facebook. I offered her my password, she said no. I asked if she had anything to hide. Wow... this is an interesting read. Can you explain what you're feeling about all of this?

If he's like me, and in this scenario it appears we think along the same line, he's completely obsessed with you. He feels that you are no longer two people. You've become one. Should your right hand hide what it does from the left? This may seem a bit crazy. I'm starting to realize that my gf needs a little privacy. I don't feel I need it at all. She always asks for stuff at my house and I always tell her she doesn't have to ask, my stuff is hers. Still, she asks anyways. I've never done this with anyone before. I usually NEED privacy and my own space. With her, and I'm sure with you too, it's because he views you as his everything. Remember, when he says you are his now, he means it both ways. He's giving his stuff (passwords, access to his things) because he has given his entire self to you.

This is exactly what he has said. You're spot on with the hand analogy, too. I find his openness with me very endearing. I feel like I've gotten past the hardest parts - the times I've told him my deepest darkest secrets, expecting him to run screaming, and yet it strengthens our bond and solidarity together. After that, what's the big deal with him seeing silly memes I send to friends? Lol

Psychologically I think it's a new thing for me though, since I've never in my life shared so much with anyone.

But ultimately, I do trust him. You and your Libra sound wonderful together. I've gotta get back to work, but I'll pm you when I get home tonight!

After 5 years of living with my sag, I still don't let him touch some of my stuff. He knows that and sometimes he asks for my permission but other times he does what he wants. This gets on my nerves a bit.
I respect his privacy so he better respect mine as well.

Asking for permission to open your drawer in your own house?.. And I thought I was the bad one.

What even. If you want to keep the relationship vibrant and exciting you need a little element of surprise. And especially scorpio. In my relationships with Scorpios, they always tell me that they love that I'm spontaneous and crazy sometimes and it seems to keep them happy and on their toes and not in that deep place that consumes them negatively sometimes. You are your own person, and libra needs that space or else they completely shut down and become different people. If you feel uncomfortable with the way e's treating you or leading the relationship you should talk to him openly- you ARE married now.. If you want it to work, communication should be no. 1

We aren't married yet, but it's pretty much the same here. I find it interesting that your husband completely changed because my fianc? has been like this since we were dating, he's never had a problem handing his phone over to me, for example. Likewise, sometimes his phone will die and he will ask if he can use mine.

We have lived together about a year and a half and he completely doesn't care about stuff like going in one of his drawers to get something. I don't really either. In fact, we share a dresser.

We do both keep our money completely separate but that is something that will change what we get married. We already have an account together but we are only using it to save for the wedding.

I do think the email passwords are a bit over the top! Though again, we share a computer, and I know I've logged him off several times and I'm sure he has logged me off also. Neither of us has anything to hide, it's a non-issue.

Posted by munchkin
... and he was baffled that I felt the need to even ask.

... he wants absolutely everything shared, since as he puts it, "You are completely mine, and I am

completely yours. What belongs to you belongs to me and vice versa".

I thought Scorpios were supposed to be privacy fiends...

This is a great example of how stereotypes sorely misrepresent the Signs.

I understand what you're getting at, but the total lack of hypocrisy is terribly endearing.






For the most part, unless he was using the last of my good shampoo/conditioner

(for example lol) and not replacing it, I think I'd be ok with it.

Lol.
Mine uses my shampoo, shower gel, you name it, when he runs out, he will take mine.

It doesn't bother me. When I run out he usually will replace it and if I run out of money he gives me some. Lol

In living space I have no problem sharing: soaps, food, shampoo....don't care if you're in my drawers but don't mess up my well organized stuff. As for sharing email, accounts, or places where there might be correspondence from friends and family: NO. What someone says to me in private is not for everyone to share unless I have permission to share it. That goes for anyone else in my life, because we all have something someone said in confidence that they don't want spread around. That should stay private.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry

Sharing the restroom at the same time....my Libra can't do that and be happy about it...EVER.

Ha! Agreed.


+1



Even my Moon protests at that one. 😄

We don't share the restroom.

My scorp makes me turn around when he gets dressed from the shower in the morning. This cracks me up. I don't have any such problem with nudity.

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by munchkin
... and he was baffled that I felt the need to even ask.

... he wants absolutely everything shared, since as he puts it, "You are completely mine, and I am

completely yours. What belongs to you belongs to me and vice versa".

I thought Scorpios were supposed to be privacy fiends...

This is a great example of how stereotypes sorely misrepresent the Signs.

I understand what you're getting at, but the total lack of hypocrisy is terribly endearing.






For the most part, unless he was using the last of my good shampoo/conditioner

(for example lol) and not replacing it, I think I'd be ok with it.

click to expand

Not sure if that was teh sarc or not 😛

But yes he has commit the Good Shampoo Sin 😱

I once trekked all the way to a bad neighborhood and risked getting shot to get an amazing purple shampoo to fix my orange hair from a bad home highlighting attempt.

The next morning he showered and stepped out freaking out because my shampoo had left his natural blond hair with a lilac-y tint. Turns out he used a quarter of the bottle because "it felt and smelled so good in my hair!" 😱

I told him to let this be a lesson. No sympathy from me! He was just going to have to spend the day looking like an overgrown sugar plum fairy! 😛

Posted by munchkin

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by munchkin
... and he was baffled that I felt the need to even ask.

... he wants absolutely everything shared, since as he puts it, "You are completely mine, and I am

completely yours. What belongs to you belongs to me and vice versa".

I thought Scorpios were supposed to be privacy fiends...

This is a great example of how stereotypes sorely misrepresent the Signs.

I understand what you're getting at, but the total lack of hypocrisy is terribly endearing.






For the most part, unless he was using the last of my good shampoo/conditioner

(for example lol) and not replacing it, I think I'd be ok with it.

Not sure if that was teh sarc or not 😛

But yes he has commit the Good Shampoo Sin 😱

I once trekked all the way to a bad neighborhood and risked getting shot to get an amazing purple shampoo to fix my orange hair from a bad home highlighting attempt.

The next morning he showered and stepped out freaking out because my shampoo had left his natural blond hair with a lilac-y tint. Turns out he used a quarter of the bottle because "it felt and smelled so good in my hair!" 😱

I told him to let this be a lesson. No sympathy from me! He was just going to have to spend the day looking like an overgrown sugar plum fairy! 😛

click to expand

It was not teh Sarc!

*sigh*

My Merc is srsly afflicted. :/


I have had that imposed on me (no privacy) but it never went both ways-- not cool.

So all of that United Front stuff makes my knees weak.

And Scorps seem to have a totally different set of rules for the Chosen, than they do for the rest of the world.

Hence the comment on stereotypes and misrepresentation.


And

I HAVE THAT SHAMPOO (same reason) .... dense, dreamy and a gorgeous shade of Violet.

😆

It works.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
@Monty

Maybe I got that from my Leo Aunt with the Pisces moon (she had a libra venus like me too) 🙂 She raised me as a teenager. Always respected my privacy, even knocked on my bedroom door before coming in, something I never had the luxury of with my gemini mother 😛...... and also taught me that I was welcome to use whatever I wanted to but *always* replace it immediately if it was the last one.

Exactly! 🙂

So you understand LEO/Pisces-ness (for lack of a better term) lol

But Venus went into Libra just a few days after I was born. :/

And yes, I knock-- even if the door's ajar.

For one-- manners.

And two-- accidentally embarrassing someone hurts me more than it hurts them.

*cringes*

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
@Monty

Maybe I got that from my Leo Aunt with the Pisces moon (she had a libra venus like me too) 🙂 She raised me as a teenager. Always respected my privacy, even knocked on my bedroom door before coming in, something I never had the luxury of with my gemini mother 😛...... and also taught me that I was welcome to use whatever I wanted to but *always* replace it immediately if it was the last one.

Exactly! 🙂

So you understand LEO/Pisces-ness (for lack of a better term) lol

But Venus went into Libra just a few days after I was born. :/

And yes, I knock-- even if the door's ajar.

For one-- manners.

And two-- accidentally embarrassing someone hurts me more than it hurts them.

*cringes*

click to expand

*cringe* is right. Once walked in on a middle aged man masturbating in a bedroom when I was 7 and snooping around a house while bored at a yard party.

Learned my god damn lesson.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
I don't know how I feel about this. My immediate reaction was "EEK! No! No! No!!"

However, my ex scorp had a taurus moon and he was exactly the way you are describing and I sometimes felt violated and smothered.....but I'm full of Libra and I like my privacy and my partner's privacy too.

Privacy is privacy and it is to be respected.....but "respected" means different things to different people.

Example....I'd have no problem leaving my phone on the counter unlocked and available if my partner needed to use it in a pinch. I'd have no problem with staying logged into to anything and my partner used my laptop. BUT....that doesn't mean they feel the same and if they don't feel the same, it should be respected by me.

Privacy also means different things.....sharing a dresser drawer....sure, no big deal. Sharing the restroom at the same time....my Libra can't do that and be happy about it...EVER.

Money? As long as things are fair, I'm up for any suggestions. Joint accounts are best for bill sharing but I think it's perfectly fine for each person to also have their own.

I'm curious about his chart, munchkin.

sharing toilet business is a NO for this Libra right here, too!

when pooping, I prefer forgetting that the universe even exists. just one reason I can't get on board with Judeo-Christianity. The "omnipresent" concept would give me performance anxiety

I appreciate all of your input btw! Provides helpful perspective.

Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

Posted by munchkin
*cringe* is right. Once walked in on a middle aged man masturbating in a bedroom when I was 7 and snooping around a house while bored at a yard party.

Learned my god damn lesson.

GoodGod! 😱

I guess so.


lolol

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

click to expand

My bad, it's called "So Sexy"....anyways, it smells divine, like orgasm for your hair. I swear you won't be able to stop sniffing your hair. Plus, the products are actually really nice.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care

Posted by MoonArtist

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

My bad, it's called "So Sexy"....anyways, it smells divine, like orgasm for your hair. I swear you won't be able to stop sniffing your hair. Plus, the products are actually really nice.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care

class="bqfade">click to expand

Oooh, thanks 😄

Posted by seraph
He might actually see nothing at all in what he did, totally innocent, and if so, god bless 'im, the adorable little chelicerate and his insecurities . . .

I'm reading that as manipulation, but to be fair it's with the proviso that he probably can't help it because he needs that kind of reciprocation to feel safe (in terms of trust) with you.

Costs vs. Benefits analysis . . . hey, you married him probably for his many other more endearing qualities, that hopefully render whatever this particular one is more manageable.

As for me . . . I'd keep my passwords to myself, because a) I'm not 12, and b) some shit is just mine, and doesn't need to be surrendered in order to prove my love and commitment.

And really, it's just bad manners to make such demands. At least that's what my Leo Sun and Libra Moon are saying.

You're right, of course-- but you know they'll hack that shit in two seconds flat, anyway.

Soooo....

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

My bad, it's called "So Sexy"....anyways, it smells divine, like orgasm for your hair. I swear you won't be able to stop sniffing your hair. Plus, the products are actually really nice.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care

Oooh, thanks 😄

click to expand

You're welcome 😆

Posted by MoonArtist

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

My bad, it's called "So Sexy"....anyways, it smells divine, like orgasm for your hair. I swear you won't be able to stop sniffing your hair. Plus, the products are actually really nice.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care

class="bqfade">click to expand

Which one was he using?

Posted by LunarMaiden

Posted by MoonArtist

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by MoonArtist
Ha! I do have to draw a line, now that I think about it, on sharing some products. My ex once started using my Victoria's Secret Very Sexy hairspray. I LOVE the smell of it but it was a total turn off smelling a woman's scent on him. Pissed me off, too, because he uses more hair product than I do and he used it all. After that I started hiding/hoarding it.

I didn't even know they made Very Sexy Hairspray. o.O

My bad, it's called "So Sexy"....anyways, it smells divine, like orgasm for your hair. I swear you won't be able to stop sniffing your hair. Plus, the products are actually really nice.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care

Which one was he using?

click to expand

The hairspray.....despite having his own hairspray to use.

https://www.victoriassecret.com/beauty/hair-care/ style -hold-finish-hairspray-so-sexy?ProductID=5288&CatalogueType=OLS

I did not know your ex used hairspray, let alone yours. I do believe he just dropped another peg or two and I'm not sure how that's even possible. Lol

Posted by starlover
Merging into one sounds scary and suffocating ~~ identity crisis!!




Reading this thread makes me think i will never cohabit with another man again



😉

+1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 😄
We are maybe destined to be cat ladies? I know there's a kit out there somewhere. It comes with 10 starter kitties and a shovel. Lmao!

I agree Star !
Relationship sure. Living together? Ahhhhhhhh! Then you have to probably cook and no doubt, pick up stinky socks and fall in the damn toilet in the middle of the night. Men! Can't live with 'me and can't kill them (kidding guys!)

Hehe 😄

Posted by seraph

Posted by munchkin


Now he gave me all his passwords and wants mine.

"See?? I gave you ALL mine! You didn't even have to ask for them!! SEE how OPEN and HONEST I am?? SEE?? . . .



And NOW . . .


YOU . . .






(pretty much *have to*) give me yours."




If that isn't a flagrant leverage-play, I have no idea what is.

He might actually see nothing at all in what he did, totally innocent, and if so, god bless 'im, the adorable little chelicerate and his insecurities . . .

I'm reading that as manipulation, but to be fair it's with the proviso that he probably can't help it because he needs that kind of reciprocation to feel safe (in terms of trust) with you.

Costs vs. Benefits analysis . . . hey, you married him probably for his many other more endearing qualities, that hopefully render whatever this particular one is more manageable.

As for me . . . I'd keep my passwords to myself, because a) I'm not 12, and b) some shit is just mine, and doesn't need to be surrendered in order to prove my love and commitment.

And really, it's just bad manners to make such demands. At least that's what my Leo Sun and Libra Moon are saying.

click to expand

+1GZ

I'm surprised this hasn't been voted best answer or at least been quoted multiple times. Maybe it's just not the sentiments of most here, but it totally hits the nail on the head for me, and said very eloquently, imo.

This post is enlightening. If my husband did this right after we were married, we'd probably be divorced. First, I've had email accounts way before I met him and the history of information within these accounts don't concern him, and second, I'm not about to go through and filter emails I've received since 1998 to avoid irrelevant queries from him.

*lol spellcheck got me.
Can't live with 'em. Is what that was supposed to say.

Posted by FixedWater
I did not know your ex used hairspray, let alone yours. I do believe he just dropped another peg or two and I'm not sure how that's even possible. Lol

It was so off putting to have him walking around smelling like a woman, basically. It was also annoying to have my nice product disappear.