The things we do and things we regret.

Nobody is perfect.
Some times we raise our voice and sometimes we are blinded by anger.
Sometimes we slightly brush past the speed limit and some times we are way ahead of it.
Sometimes we try to claim authority when it's not our job to lead. Sometimes we tell people off for something they did yesterday, when a nights sleep should have washed away what we sould have said at the time when the damage was done.
Sometimes we look for answers the wrong places well aware that we might hurt someone in the process.

My question is; when is it enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness... and when is the right time?

thousand, i understand you're a noob and i accept your apology.


...just kidding, GTFO noob.

scorpio_wreck : How nice to see you here as well! I'm honered to attract such important people to my threads. Especially when they have great and informative comments to share. Please write again soon. Give me a PM and I shall make a thread about that one alone (Yes I'm willing to cross my own policy for this fella'. He's great!)...

and... quick question... when did I apologize? I'm rather forgetful. In any case and just to heal any remaining wounds: I'm deeply sorry, scorpio_wreck. You deserve more respect, and it makes me physically ill to see you without the glory intended for yourself exclusively.

" would obviously amend my behaviour to not to that thing again that upset them "

Am so biased that am compelled to think that any scorpio female would hardly ever stop to ponder if her actions would hurt anybody in the first place.

"i apologise if i really have done something wrong. "

And you never go wrong.

thousand, every time you type something you apologize for being retarded. and a noob. which are basically the same things, only in different packaging. kinda like condoms, but condoms are way more important than you. if only your parents had used some?

and gaurav, there's a difference between scorpions (whether male or female) knowing they're wrong vs. admitting they're wrong. chances are unless you're of utmost importance to a scorpion, you won't hear an inch of remorse from any of us.

"knowing they're wrong "

The problem lies here.

"admitting they're wrong"

And not there.

scorpio_wreck: yet again with the sweet compliments. you seem to never tire. It's funny you have the urge to call me retarded. But is that truly something you can blame me for? It's a very delicate subject... and my mother... be careful what you say about her. what if I actually care...

I'm sorry... I realize every time what a miserable life you must have, causing you to verbaly attack someone online out of... what reason exactly is it? I hope you realize that noob "isn't" as big an insult as being related to you would be. And the other things you called me... well that's both flattering and proof of what great imagination you possess... if only you had the mental ability to turn that into a paycheck... but aaawwww... I almost went there again. I hope you learn how to tie your own shoes soon so you can go outside and smell the flowers. That is as long as you can walk and think at the same time of course. It takes practice, but you'll get it... I believe in you! You are a strong confident woman!!!

But is an apology always enough? or turn it around...necessary? Sometimes it feels like people expect an apology simply out of principal... myself included I must admit. Nevertheless I think it is quite obnoxious, and I'm personally trying not to expect anything at all... but when someone insults you and don't show any regret, it can be frustrating and difficult to let it go.

very true...

Scorps have a great deal of pride. It's all part of our complex nature. We do occasionally have hard time realizing the damage we do. But when it's pointed out and some time is given, it's not unlikely we apologize.

I'm not sure I'm getting this thread .. it describes people having different emotions, which leads them to do things that they might not ordinarily do if not in an emotional spike .. isn't this being human?

Like it's said .. doesn't everybody do these things when their emotions are intensified, for whatever reason?

So, why apologize? Why is there a need to "ask" for forgiveness?

People can "say" anything they want .. it's actions that prove where the heart is. If a person showed thier remorse .. isn't that enough?

We place too much stock in words, when the tongue can be forked. The other side of this coin .. people want to hear the three little words, "I love you" .. don't you KNOW that the person loves you by the way they behave? Why do you have to hear the words?

Back to topic ... if what we're talking about is an intimate partner, then I wouldn't expect an apology from him/her .. s/he would know that he doesn't have to, for I would understand that he was having a moment, just as when I have my moments, he would understand.

Again .. I'm not really sure why we are supposed to ask for forgiveness for being human .. for isn't the person we're speaking to, also experience human emotions and lose their composure, too?

Some more thoughts on this topic .....

Most times I don't think the two genders realize what their hormones due to them, in this "emotional" aspect .. however, the opposite gender (partner) can.

Men express aggression, irritation and may not even realize it, for it's apart of their normal disposition .. yet, their women clearly recognize that they are being assholes.

Many times when I'm in a slight bitch, I don't recognize it, for it's a normal trait being a female ... yet, my husband can see it.

How often do women feel compelled to apologize for crying? Men find this quite irritating and get frustrated that we're weeping at them.

Are we quick to point our fingers at men for being male .. while totally ignoring the fact that we express unsavory emotions from the male perspective?

So, my whole point is ... perhaps the other person to whom this post is referencing doesn't even realize that they are having an emotion that even gets on the other person's nerves.

One more thought and then I have to leave and go to University ...

"My question is; when is it enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness... and when is the right time?"


The way this question is worded suggests that it's an ongoing thing that is irritating .. for it says when is it "enough" .. this indicates to me that the other person is in a situation which this unsavory emotion is pushing the limits.

So, this makes me wonder ... are you not going to the other person and trying to talk about what's the matter, rather, just sitting back and waiting for an apology?

I know for myself .. if I'm in a bitchy mood .. alls it takes is for the other person to talk to me and "listen" to what is bothering me. Oftentimes, if this doesn't happen .. then my mood may continue for a longer period of time.

If this is a man, and he's continueing to be an ass ... fix him, instead of waiting back for him to fix himself and then apologize.

If this is a woman, and she's bitching or crying uncontrollably .. fix her, hold her .. make it better instead of waiting for an apology.

Forgiveness goes both ways ... if a partner is in a moment and the other doesn't go to him/her with compassion .. then that person too should feel guilty, for not nurturing the other out of the mood that they are wracked with.

I only apologize if I am wrong.

If you are wrong and don't apologize then I have no need for you in my life I no longer need the apology or the friendship...simple.

"If this is a woman, and she's bitching or crying uncontrollably .. fix her, hold her .. make it better instead of waiting for an apology"

I want the apology because my feelings were hurt and to walk away without acknowledging that you was wrong is still wrong to me. I don't need someone to hold me fix me make it better....I want the apology....

Because the situation my required more of an apology than a fix or a hold.

"I don't treat ppl badly"

Is that up to your own judgement? It could be you are absolutly right. But if someone is offended by you and you don't realize it, wouldn't it at least be nice to know...?

I always apologize, even if I'm not at fault (and even when I'm clearly not at fault, b/c it's not a matter of thinking myself infallible). To me, the relationship is always more important than my ego or who is right. That's not to say that I let someone walk over me, b/c I don't. If a person treats me with respect, then situational problems that arise are below either of us and an apology can work wonders to distill the situation and build trust and understanding.

People's responses in here have thrown me a bit off-balance, and it's difficult to comprehend ...

If a person doesn't realize they are making a mistake .. then they aren't making one. If a person does something that another doesn't like, this isn't a mistake .. an opportunity to find growth and make adjustments, if necessary .. but, not a mistake.

This makes no sense to me ... is this to say that other people have to be held to someones standards other than theirself?

If to point something out is for the person to become self aware, then I see this as acceptable and do it myself constantly .. so they can see a viewpoint from another perspective. However, if this pointing out is for the purpose of changing the other to abide by your own standards because thier values are unacceptable to you .. then I find this unacceptable.

Move on ..

"But if someone is offended by you and you don't realize it, wouldn't it at least be nice to know...?"


Yes, it would be nice to know .. and that's what I meant by fixing the situation, instead of sitting back wracked with hurt feelings and waiting for an apology to come from a person who had no comprehension that what they did didn't suit you.

Sometimes people make no sense to me .... how can a person apologize for something another person is feeling?

People can only live according to what they comprehend .. so, wouldn't the solution be to communicate with the intentions of finding resolution, instead of just sulking because feelings were hurt over something that is fixable?

Drama .....

No... I think you have a good point, Satyrsmind. And so does Roxi. I actually feel and act the way Roxi describes, but inside, I'd like to known what I can do to not piss people off. Not that I do on a regular basis, but in my line of work it is extremely important to to stay friendly with everybody, regardless of their attitude, if you wanna keep working... Scorpio_wreck excepted. Ain't he adorable by the way?

"I don't need someone to hold me fix me make it better....I want the apology...."


SL .. I'm not sure I understand why this is .. why not want it to be better? A person can say anything and then turn around to do it again, and most likely will, if you don't want it to be fixed.

To me, an insincere apology just to passify is a golden ticket to keep doing it .. I'd rather fix the problem then allow the drama to continue. However, everybody is different ...

Well p-angel being the person that I am once my feelings are hurt there is no fixing..making up or anything but a sincere apology I will accept.

As for the person doing it again...well if they did not learn from the frist time then apparently the are not the type of person I would want to be apart of my life....know don't get me wrong I am all for fixing stuff...making stuff better and all but I am only going to take but so much from a person.

example: My best gf today when I frist met her I informed her that I don't like to be called a bitch...well one day at work she called me a bitch jokingly of course but what made me mad was that she knew I don't like to be called that I would not call her that...well she called me a bitch..I got up and literally choked her until she apologized...she thought I was joking at first then she kept laughing I started choking her harder saying apoligize...all I wanted was an apology...she finally apologized and for the last 20 years almost she has never done it again and I have never called her one.

I hope this helps you to understand why sometimes an apology is necessary.

"but a sincere apology I will accept"

"I got up and literally choked her until she apologized...she thought I was joking at first then she kept laughing I started choking her harder saying apoligize"




Sincere?


Thanks 🙂🙂 for clarifying what you meant, SL .. however, my mind can't process this today .. so, I'll walk away.

One last question:

SL .. was that a joke that I'm just not getting?

Thanks for clarifying what you meant, SL .. however, my mind can't process this today .. so, I'll walk away.


🙂It is ok...I know it's hard to process and understand but you will get better with time.

No I am serious.....I was choking and I was mad and all I wanted was an apology...the moral of my story is sometimes an apology can fix and make things alright...she apologized and everything was alright...and today she is my best friend and has never called me another bitch...

See how people learn from thee mistakes..

Scorpionlady: ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN— You litteraly choked an apology out of another person because she called you something.... with words... out of her mouth.
I think asking for an apology out of principal is obnoxious, but then what is this—

satyrsmind

"So basically you would murder someone unless they apologize for telling you something you didn't like?

Maybe you need to get your head checked."

Although I believe I am capable of popping a cap in someone if I was that mad over somethig close to me...my family, my son etc...I will not kill a person because they called me name my life is way more important...but choking, smacking, and hitting I can do when necessary.

"Scorpionlady: ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN— You litteraly choked an apology out of another person because she called you something.... with words... out of her mouth.
I think asking for an apology out of principal is obnoxious, but then what is this—"

well that was 20 years ago...I am know 46 I have way more control of my emotions today....

I don't have not desire to choke, murder smack or hit a person today, I will remove them from my circle of love ones and never look back is what I will do today

"No the moral of your story is that you could get away with assault if the other person is scared enough of you."

Intimidation is bitch is'nt it?

But wasn't there a hint of pride when you wrote it though? It seems like you figured it was the obvious thing to do. I'm 25 and not at all about to choke anyone.

probably I have a lot of pride....that's the difference between me an you...you still have more about life to learn I am living my life.

scorpiolady: nah... ain't buyin' that one... you take pride in something bad you did. THAT'S the difference between you and me. Besides... no matter how old you are you will always be able to learn more...
I'm sure you are a great person though. I'm not dissing you.

Tried to leave this .. but, keep coming back because it doesn't make sense ..

If a person wants to hear an apology, and so the partner gives it to them because that is what they want to hear ... does that make it sincere if this apologizer isn't doing it because they actually feel bad about doing it?

If my husband apologized to me because he thought it would make me feel better about something, when he really didn't feel like this is what he needed/wanted to do ... it would make me feel worse because then it isn't sincere that he's feeling remorse, rather, just passifying me.

That seems so superficial .. shouldn't apologies come from the person actually feeling bad for what they did/said to make it worthy?

Isn't an apology suppose to mean, "I'm sorry"? How is that person really feeling sorry if it's coming from the other persons feelings of wanting to hear it, rather than the apologizer really feeling sorry?

I guess my reality is different from everybody elses ::sighs::

"once a mistake is pointed out and he realized he did wrong, he would regret for days even have hard time sleep. So I don't think it's about no remorse, it's more like he does not reflect on his own or until proven wrong."


Thanks for explaining what you mean, SG .. because when I first read the above quote, it throw me for a loop because I was interpreting it to mean that you were attempting to get the upper hand/control on him by proving him to be wrong about something.

What you said makes sense now ... people need to know where the other stands in their value systems for trust and respect.

it's interesting how everybody relates this to a husband or a best friend or coworker... it's should ideally be with anybody if we want to stop fighting wars with other countries and all... it's a long process, but smile at the person next to you today, and they will smile at you tomorrow

"it's interesting how everybody relates this to a husband or a best friend or coworker"


That is our reality that we live everyday, so with interpreting/expressing this emotion and how we handle it, we can only relate to what we have experienced within our lives.

You're right .. a smile goes a long way .. 🙂🙂🙂

"i go into an almost dilemma worrying that my words might've hurt them. I'd rather go straight n apologise to them than sit n worry abt that"


In that case .. it would make the apology sincere because you were concerned about hurting the other. Warm-hearted 🙂🙂

m&mgem: don't look untill tomorrow...lol

:-)

I fall short in apologies, most times, in all manners, for that matter .. something that my parents struggled to teach me. Mom was an Aqua and was adamant about manners 🙂

Someone usually has to point it out to me to say, "thank you", or "please", or hold a door open for another person .. so, an apology wouldn't dawn on me unless I was feeling bad/guilty about something.

Except for my fishy side .. which apologies for other people 😛

"I thought what was the big deal my actions showed my remorse (I even thought he was shallow only care about words) but he insisted me to apologize because it was an important gesture to him .. I'm forever grateful for what my ex forced me to change so I can work to become a better person."

SG .. I think this is sort of the whole point, for me, anyway. Because this was an important gesture to him and he forced you into change, you now believe that to say your sorry makes you a better person .. when in reality, it only makes you into believing in his standards and would apply it across the board = insincere. From within you, you said that you felt like your actions of showing remorse was more important than just hearing the words .. if this is how you felt, then it was right for you .. to say the words was not right for you, it was right for him.

My question is; when is it enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness... and when is the right time?


This is a mind-set that is instilled that I have a difficult time in accepting .... there's no self-accountibility in this.

Just continue to err (sin), eventhough you know it's wrong and then ask for forgiveness .. so, there's no guilt to carry.

If a person says their sorry and asks for forgiveness .. is this going to stop the person from doing it again? Or, is it just going to indicate to the person that they can be washed of any guilt by asking another to forgive them?

Being forgiven for something isn't acknowledging the error .. is a place to put the responsibility.

"Being forgiven for something isn't acknowledging the error .. is a place to put the responsibility."

Forgiving someone is excusing them for the act.

Apologizing is acknowleging that you was at fault.


I personally will want that person to acknowlege what they did then to be excuse for what they did.

I don't think it's placing the responsibility, to me it's saying

"I'll let you slide this time but next time don't do it again" which give the person the opportunity to do it again.

Exactly .. which is placing the error somewhere else, so there's no need to carry it for yourself ... how can a person learn from that?

You'll let me slide? Awesome .. I can get away with it, then.

Seriously ... how does that provide growth? Yet, people believe it because this is what is instilled within them .. a programme .. it's called "God" ..... you forgive me, my lord? Great !!!!!!

You mean anything I do will be forgiven if I ask? No matter what I do?

Awesome !!!!!!!!!

"Seriously ... how does that provide growth? Yet, people believe it because this is what is instilled within them .. a programme .. it's called "God" ..... you forgive me, my lord? Great !!!!!!"

And we all know that asking our Higher Power for forgiveness we are suppose to learn from it. All though he is a forgiving spirit when asking for forgiveness it should me heart felt and you should learn from it.....

So I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying P-Angel, and that is why I want the apology because I can feel a sincere apology I can't feel forgiveness.

If we, as people, held ourselves to what we do, instead of putting the responsibility to be forgiven of us onto another .. then every apology would be sincere because we would be owning our own actions.

"True changes of self were not easy. I went through some growing pain. After the pain, I like today's self better than yesterday's so what I feel what's right for me today is different from what it was before."


I can relate to the creation of new realities due to changing awarenesses. However, you seem very sad now, always frowning, apologizing to people regularly, taking blame for more things than you should be doing in relationships .. when you reflect back to the time before this change/growth of realizing that you needed to apologize to people all the time .. were you happier more? Was life not so gloomy for you then?

Sometimes .. I truly believe that we as people think we are changing for the better because it's what we think another person wants, and because we want the other person to be happy .. we are actually not really changing for the betterment of ourselves, rather, to please another. And though, I see this as a good thing in itself (pleasing another) .. I also feel like we have a responsibility to ourselves and our own happiness.

I'm guily myself, SG .. so, this isn't pointing a finger, rather, pondering our (people) decisions that we think we are doing right, when really we have blinded ourselves to our own well-being.